soberlicious

LOL love it...in a nutshell...

hypochondriac

I absolutely agree. A professional should never do this. For one they're just simply never gonna get anywhere. Most people shut down in the face of criticism.

But with your peers... I got a swift kick up the behind by just being here, never mind what anyone said. Just being around sober alcoholics made the act of me drinking ridiculous. I think it should be taken for granted that people here know exactly what a poster is going through and what they say is said for what they think is the best, which means it comes from a place of love. There is nothing like another alcoholic to cut through the crap.

Of course there are people who are just bullies. But I don't think the mods here would stand for anything that was really inappropriate.

Sometimes I see posts that are a bit harsh, sometimes I write them. Mostly it'd be because I'm having a bad day. If I respond badly to someone who has relapsed it is usually because I am scared of that myself. But it's hard to know what someone will respond to. Tbh, I am grateful to people who kick me up the arse. Being all fluffy all the time isn't very productive.

renaldo

Someone non-famous once said, "if something someone does really annoys me, it may be because I know I'm capable of the same thing myself."

A random example from my experience: I had a workmate who would dump her anger on people who had nothing to do with what she was angry about, which I gathered was rooted in her personal life away from work. I thought, 'How can she do that? Doesn't she see that the person she's dumping on is totally unrelated to what she's upset about?'

Then I found myself doing it. It was just on one occasion outside of work, but the person I dumped on didn't deserve it. I apologized the next day.

Here's a parable from India. A guy is at the market and waiting in line to purchase some bulk food. He notices as he's waiting in line that the shopkeeper, when he's pouring dried foods onto the scale, is holding his finger down on the scale to make it look like it weighs more than it does.

The shopkeeper was obviously harried with a long line of customers. When the guy got his turn in line, the shopkeeper did it again... held his finger down on the scale. The customer said, "I need to talk to you."

The shopkeeper said, "OK, but let me take care of these customers first." The guy waited around and when the customers were all served he again said to the shopkeeper that he wanted to talk to him.

The shopkeeper agreed to give him an audience, but said there was something he needed to attend to first, so if he could follow him home, he would address his grievances after he attended to it.

The guy followed him home and went into his house where the shopkeeper knelt by his dying mother's bedside and spoon fed her some food. She had just enough strength to swallow a few spoonfuls before she slipped back into unconsciousness.

Having fulfilled his familial obligations, the shopkeeper then turned to the customer and said, "OK, what was it you wanted to talk to me about?"

Speaking for myself, I've been a little less than sincere on my time card at work on occasion... nothing more than 5 or 10 mins., but it wasn't because my mother was dying.

The most recent job I worked, the employees were supposed to greet the public. When the boss wasn't around, a fellow employee of mine would slack off for 20 mins. at a time and shoot the breeze with another vendor. It annoyed me, but I've slacked off at times too.

I would slip into resentment thinking, 'why am I putting this effort in when she's just goofing off?' but if I'm doing the right thing, I tell myself that I'm not my sister's keeper and I shouldn't get my undies in a bundie about it. It wasn't really affecting my job security to any great degree. It was a temporary seasonal job and I wasn't going to have to grind my teeth about it year after year.

Just let it go, Renaldo.

miamifella

There should be room for all approaches. Tough love did not work for me so I left 12-step recovery. But it works for a lot of people so it should be available.

Empathy and encouragement were what I needed, but for a long time I thought that meant I was weak and uncommitted. But it is what I needed.

Quinne

An oldtimer pointed out to me very recently there's a slight difference between sympathy and compassion. Compassion (for me) seems to keep me at a safer distance than coddling anyone. We have house meetings every week in supported accom and I used to ask the question "What can I do?" and sort of say "Oh you poor thing". I now take a bit of a step back and ask what someone is going to do for themselves and how I can best support them achieve their goals. I know that isn't exactly the topic of this thread, but thought I'd share

Xx

Gforce23

Yeah, as I said, I guess I didn't "think this one through." I should have just posted the article and used a different title for the subject. I did not intend for this to be a "passive aggressive" way to to discuss you or your comment, but your comment inspired me to think about the different approaches and their benefit in general--you are not the only person who I've ever witnessed use this kind of "confrontational" approach--and you've made it quite clear that you are not afraid of being confrontational.

I personally think that telling someone "do you want your son to have a drunk mom" is confrontational at best, and shaming at the worst. Not everyone is going to see it that way. I'm well aware at this point of how you see it.

While I think the subject of "approach" is worth talking about, I unfortunately set up in a way that was bound to backfire, because in order to respond to some people's comments, I would have needed to refer to your comment or something like it as an example of what I'm talking about. MY BAD. 20/20 hindsight is a cold Biiiaaatch.

If you want to hash this B.S out with me, p.m me. I'm ducking out here!

Sorry--seems I've pulled the pin on a grenade only to watch it go boom from a safe distance. Not really my intention, but I should of seen it coming.

Gforce23

I think some people here might be confusing the word EMPATHY with SYMPATHY.
And also confusing being empathetic a lack of creating boundaries with people or enabling and or indulging them. I believe that having empathy and indulging someone or enabling them as being mutually exclusive.

Xune

I see it as being forthright, honest and purposefully blunt.

We don't agree and I'm Ok with that.

Dee74

Sounds good to me.
Thread closed.

D