invisable
 

Hi. This is my first post so I'm a little nervous.

I am 59 years old and what I believe to be the "lost child" in my family. What hurts me the most is that I am still being treated this way by my siblings (parents have passed).

There was 8 siblings, 4 boys and 4 girls. Two of them have passed due to cancer.

In my family there is the family favorite, my next oldest sister who is 64. My mother let me know that she hated me and that she and my father never wanted me, while she praised the favored sister. This has caused me much grief and pain throughout my lifetime.

My oldest sister who is 69 shows obvious favortism for the fave while pretty much blowing me off which triggers that old favortism pain from my mom.

Well, we have just found out that the oldest sister has lung cancer. I am devistated. I wanted so badly to be close to her only to be discounted over and over again.

So now, not only am I grieving for her, I am grieving for the sister-relationship that could never be. I feel as if she just threw me away so I'm not only sad, I'm hurt and angry all at the same time.

It feels just like the hurt I experienced with my mother, unfinished business and I don't know how to overcome it.

Please anyone, I would appreciate your input and support for I feel so alone with this. Sorry so long

Thanks and God bless, Sherry

Hello fine:
Are you an alcoholic or addict? Or just lost? Male or female?

Bob

Sherry, have you talked to a therapist? I think that's what I would do, it doesn't make sense why you would chase something that doesn't want to be chased, hurt you and cause you grief. Just because they're family doesn't mean they're good for you.

I personally try to avoid my mom as I am done tolerating her behavior, her denial and her blaming EVERYTHING in her life on everyone else and not accepting that she made choices and that she needs to do the right thing.

Also, you didn't mention if you were drinking or taking drugs over any of this? Do you know that you are on a recovery web site?

Certainly we can relate, we all have our issues. Good luck to you.

I think I understand what you're feeling. For a long time I looked to fill up the emptiness inside me with other people. I wanted so much more from my parents than they would or could give, from my brother too. I was the same with friends. Eventually, the emptiness grew to a point where I started drinking. I think the bottom line is that you have to learn to love yourself first and foremost. What others think about you doesn't matter. I am very sorry that your sister has cancer and that you will lose the sister relationship, but you are strong enough to shine brightly on your own without your family's approval.

Thank you all for your responses. No, I am not a substance abuser, never have been thank goodness. I am simply ACOA so maybe I should'nt have posted here?

My apologies and I wish you all wellness in life!

Then try here...

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Sherry, please don't be like that, we're trying to help you. :)

There are forums here for both ACOA and for grief. Maybe either or both of those would be helpful but you are free to post in newcomers regardless.

You're in the right place, findanddandy. Vegibean provided a link to one of our sub-forums here that might be very beneficial.

You can post here, in the newcomers, as well. I'm glad you're here. You and I have some very similar family situation dynamics.

:ring

Hi and welcome sherry - there's really no wrong place to post :)

I agree with Anna - I spent years looking for validation from people who were never going to give it.

It was difficult for me to realise that it really wasn't all my problem to fix and that these attitudes would probably remain....but I learned to love and appreciate myself and that has made all the difference.

D

Hi again. Thanks all for the info..I guess I got confused when I read a message that suggested I post in the newcomers since I've never posted before. I will try the other forums that are mentioned.

ps vegibean. I'm sorry if I came off as defensive, that was not my intention. Take care now sincerely

Good luck fineanddandy, like I mentioned above, I have been in your shoes too, and you know what? Sometimes people just aren't worth it. Your sanity, by far, is. Do the best you can for you, it's your life, make it the best that you can. :)

Thank you Received and Dee, it helps to know that I'm not alone in this. I feel understood. I'm so sorry that you have had similar experiences.

Dee, that's exactly it, I've spent a life-time trying to get the love, acceptance I've never gotten from my mother, from my siblings, who don't have it to give. I think that's called repitition compulsion. Now working on acceptance, it is what it is but I guess it just takes time huh?

I am seeing a therapist who is working with me to learn to love myself and stop looking on the outside for validation...boy that's a tough one though!

I can't thank everyone enough for caring...

:welcome Here's the forum for ACOA.


Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

It took me a while yeah - but if I can do it anyone can :)

D