Day 1
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Around and About
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Originally Posted by drunkyjules 
We can do this Tom. Usually for me it seems like once I start it is hard to stop. Its like I can't have one night of drinking because once I flip the switch it goes on for several days. Its like I drink and drink and totally beat myself down, then finally I'm miserable and depressed and sick enough to stop. Then after a few days and I feel o.k. again I get that little voice in my head that says "a couple of drinks won't hurt", the only thing is, I don't just drink a couple......once I get started I don't stop.
I know this is the nature of the disease. Its sad because I feel really good sober. Then I ruin it all. I know I need more action in my recovery program. Its sad how I can rationalize my reasons for drinking. Excuses. That is all it is. There is no "excuse" good enough for me to drink.
I know this is the nature of the disease. Its sad because I feel really good sober. Then I ruin it all. I know I need more action in my recovery program. Its sad how I can rationalize my reasons for drinking. Excuses. That is all it is. There is no "excuse" good enough for me to drink.
You NEVER get that first glorious day back, so I feel like the best I can do is each day at a time. So far...so good on this one. Not fun, and terribly obsessed, but 7 hours till bedtime....
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Around and About
Posts: 1,254
Well, I am bringing this up again because tomorrow has to be Day One again. When my skin started crawling all over the place, I gave in to alcohol.
I've sort of been tapering, mostly from high blood pressure (not from huge amounts of alcohol, but easily a bottle of wine a day). Today it was half, and tomorrow I expect to feel much better. so.... tomorrow day one for NO alcohol.
I've sort of been tapering, mostly from high blood pressure (not from huge amounts of alcohol, but easily a bottle of wine a day). Today it was half, and tomorrow I expect to feel much better. so.... tomorrow day one for NO alcohol.
Jules
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: ohio
Posts: 279
You can do it Pamel!! This is a journey and we have our ups and downs. I know I felt like such a piece of crap on Sunday it is still so fresh in my mind that I never want to feel that way again.
Even with that being said, when I stopped at the grocery after work I had to tell my alcoholic voice to "shut the hell up"......several times.....
Hang in there!! We can do this!!!:ghug3
Even with that being said, when I stopped at the grocery after work I had to tell my alcoholic voice to "shut the hell up"......several times.....
Hang in there!! We can do this!!!:ghug3
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: NJ
Posts: 139
I don't even remember my last drink. I didn't know that was it at the time. I just stopped one day when the feeling of being sick and tired was finally stronger than the urge to drink. Nearly 18 days and counting...
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 162
I had almost a month sober and blew it about a week ago... I just finished a week long bender yesterday so I am back on day one again...
The craziest thing is that the first day of my relapse was because I thought I could "celebrate" my tenth Anniversary with the number one fan of my sobriety (my wife).... Started out with a bottle of wine with her with dinner at a fancy smancy restraunt that night, flew out the next day on business, and then I proceeded to get WRECKED every night of last week in the hotel casino. Came home Friday and continued through yesterday... Craziness I tell ya!!!
Man I feel like crap....
The craziest thing is that the first day of my relapse was because I thought I could "celebrate" my tenth Anniversary with the number one fan of my sobriety (my wife).... Started out with a bottle of wine with her with dinner at a fancy smancy restraunt that night, flew out the next day on business, and then I proceeded to get WRECKED every night of last week in the hotel casino. Came home Friday and continued through yesterday... Craziness I tell ya!!!
Man I feel like crap....
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Southern California
Posts: 365
Pamel,
We are all pulling for you.. I have seen you post in the the 30 and under thread and I definately feel your pain because I too have had years of sobriety.
Everytime I start to think I am over it or cured, the cycle starts again... Each time I stop, it seems to get harder than the last time... I believe this is called the kindling effect...
Anyhow I went through exactly what you are going through from June-Dec 12. A day here a day there... Start to feel better... Drink again... Start the process over...
For me the problem is when I am "controlling" my drinking I don't "enjoy" it and when I "enjoy" it I am totally out of "control". So experience tells me my only option is total abstinence, despite what my mind (AV or whatever you want to call it) tells me.
One thing I do know now that I have managed to put a couple of days together, is I never wake up sober saying to myself "boy I wish I would have gotten drunk yesterday", however the opposite is almost ALWAYS true...
Anyhow I don't know if this helps at all, I just wanted to say that your not alone and the first few days is pretty much hell for most of us. I need to remember that EVERY day or I too will revert back to the never ending cycle...
We are all pulling for you.. I have seen you post in the the 30 and under thread and I definately feel your pain because I too have had years of sobriety.
Everytime I start to think I am over it or cured, the cycle starts again... Each time I stop, it seems to get harder than the last time... I believe this is called the kindling effect...
Anyhow I went through exactly what you are going through from June-Dec 12. A day here a day there... Start to feel better... Drink again... Start the process over...
For me the problem is when I am "controlling" my drinking I don't "enjoy" it and when I "enjoy" it I am totally out of "control". So experience tells me my only option is total abstinence, despite what my mind (AV or whatever you want to call it) tells me.
One thing I do know now that I have managed to put a couple of days together, is I never wake up sober saying to myself "boy I wish I would have gotten drunk yesterday", however the opposite is almost ALWAYS true...
Anyhow I don't know if this helps at all, I just wanted to say that your not alone and the first few days is pretty much hell for most of us. I need to remember that EVERY day or I too will revert back to the never ending cycle...
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Melbourne, Victoria Australia
Posts: 1,202
popping in too on another day 1
Hi Pamel and others,
I thought I'd drop by on this thread - very helpful one to call for.
I too am most of the way through my latest day 1 - and it is certainly true about the 'kindling' effect of withdrawals and post-drunk urges getting harder each time you've slipped or relapsed. I could see / feel how the gaps between days of not-drinking and then drinking were very rapidly diminishing, which is damn scary.
That's the path into full relapse: drinking earlier and earlier in the evening, then into the day, then into late morning, then early morning on waking....and doing it over and over again. Until the days blur into weeks, then months, then years. It's more or less exactly how I ended up during much of 2010, then all of 2011. It made all my earlier years of heavy compulsive drinking (after work, on weekends) seem almost lightweight....which, if you look at it like that, demonstrates the frightful seemingly 'subtle' progression of alcoholism and other drug addictions.
Anyway, I dragged myself to a meeting in the late a.m. - solely to get outta the house and my own head just for an hour and a half. Several people noted my absence of the past couple of weeks, and said they'd figured I'd got into the drinking again. Fortunately, each person simply welcomed me back, nothing more. On the way out of the meeting, I had one of 'Uncle B's' 'fireside chats' (i.e. with one of the old timers, who's just turned 80 y.o.!). Bless 'im, he gave me a lecture all right, but it was one of his very quiet, reasonable, encouraging ones....I've hung onto his kind but 'get real, m'dear' words for the rest of today.
I'm surely hoping I won't go back out to the nearby shop on a sudden urge-whim as the afternoon shades into early evening (it's Summer here, so long and lovely evenings...with too many memories of a chilled white wine out on the verandah.....Arghghghghh!).
I've also thought of you on this thread and others struggling today on this site, in the moments when I've started slumping into feeling too despairing and sorry for myself. Even that tiny thing can help with the momentary shift - the 'psychic change' - necessary to NOT start planning / speculating on a drink. Phew! Blessings to y'all.
I thought I'd drop by on this thread - very helpful one to call for.
I too am most of the way through my latest day 1 - and it is certainly true about the 'kindling' effect of withdrawals and post-drunk urges getting harder each time you've slipped or relapsed. I could see / feel how the gaps between days of not-drinking and then drinking were very rapidly diminishing, which is damn scary.
That's the path into full relapse: drinking earlier and earlier in the evening, then into the day, then into late morning, then early morning on waking....and doing it over and over again. Until the days blur into weeks, then months, then years. It's more or less exactly how I ended up during much of 2010, then all of 2011. It made all my earlier years of heavy compulsive drinking (after work, on weekends) seem almost lightweight....which, if you look at it like that, demonstrates the frightful seemingly 'subtle' progression of alcoholism and other drug addictions.
Anyway, I dragged myself to a meeting in the late a.m. - solely to get outta the house and my own head just for an hour and a half. Several people noted my absence of the past couple of weeks, and said they'd figured I'd got into the drinking again. Fortunately, each person simply welcomed me back, nothing more. On the way out of the meeting, I had one of 'Uncle B's' 'fireside chats' (i.e. with one of the old timers, who's just turned 80 y.o.!). Bless 'im, he gave me a lecture all right, but it was one of his very quiet, reasonable, encouraging ones....I've hung onto his kind but 'get real, m'dear' words for the rest of today.
I'm surely hoping I won't go back out to the nearby shop on a sudden urge-whim as the afternoon shades into early evening (it's Summer here, so long and lovely evenings...with too many memories of a chilled white wine out on the verandah.....Arghghghghh!).
I've also thought of you on this thread and others struggling today on this site, in the moments when I've started slumping into feeling too despairing and sorry for myself. Even that tiny thing can help with the momentary shift - the 'psychic change' - necessary to NOT start planning / speculating on a drink. Phew! Blessings to y'all.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: NJ
Posts: 139
Originally Posted by ForMyGirls
I had almost a month sober and blew it about a week ago... I just finished a week long bender yesterday so I am back on day one again...
The craziest thing is that the first day of my relapse was because I thought I could "celebrate" my tenth Anniversary with the number one fan of my sobriety (my wife).... Started out with a bottle of wine with her with dinner at a fancy smancy restraunt that night, flew out the next day on business, and then I proceeded to get WRECKED every night of last week in the hotel casino. Came home Friday and continued through yesterday... Craziness I tell ya!!!
Man I feel like crap....
The craziest thing is that the first day of my relapse was because I thought I could "celebrate" my tenth Anniversary with the number one fan of my sobriety (my wife).... Started out with a bottle of wine with her with dinner at a fancy smancy restraunt that night, flew out the next day on business, and then I proceeded to get WRECKED every night of last week in the hotel casino. Came home Friday and continued through yesterday... Craziness I tell ya!!!
Man I feel like crap....
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 28
I came here on the Day 1 thread...today is Day 3. Im heading to the gym this morning - when I am in "sobriety mode", I have energy and feel great. I hope I get to Day 4. Pamel....stay here with us!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Around and About
Posts: 1,254
Originally Posted by Wifi
Pamel,
We are all pulling for you.. I have seen you post in the the 30 and under thread and I definately feel your pain because I too have had years of sobriety.
Everytime I start to think I am over it or cured, the cycle starts again... Each time I stop, it seems to get harder than the last time... I believe this is called the kindling effect...
Anyhow I went through exactly what you are going through from June-Dec 12. A day here a day there... Start to feel better... Drink again... Start the process over...
For me the problem is when I am "controlling" my drinking I don't "enjoy" it and when I "enjoy" it I am totally out of "control". So experience tells me my only option is total abstinence, despite what my mind (AV or whatever you want to call it) tells me.
One thing I do know now that I have managed to put a couple of days together, is I never wake up sober saying to myself "boy I wish I would have gotten drunk yesterday", however the opposite is almost ALWAYS true...
Anyhow I don't know if this helps at all, I just wanted to say that your not alone and the first few days is pretty much hell for most of us. I need to remember that EVERY day or I too will revert back to the never ending cycle...
We are all pulling for you.. I have seen you post in the the 30 and under thread and I definately feel your pain because I too have had years of sobriety.
Everytime I start to think I am over it or cured, the cycle starts again... Each time I stop, it seems to get harder than the last time... I believe this is called the kindling effect...
Anyhow I went through exactly what you are going through from June-Dec 12. A day here a day there... Start to feel better... Drink again... Start the process over...
For me the problem is when I am "controlling" my drinking I don't "enjoy" it and when I "enjoy" it I am totally out of "control". So experience tells me my only option is total abstinence, despite what my mind (AV or whatever you want to call it) tells me.
One thing I do know now that I have managed to put a couple of days together, is I never wake up sober saying to myself "boy I wish I would have gotten drunk yesterday", however the opposite is almost ALWAYS true...
Anyhow I don't know if this helps at all, I just wanted to say that your not alone and the first few days is pretty much hell for most of us. I need to remember that EVERY day or I too will revert back to the never ending cycle...
I liked your quote ""boy I wish I would have gotten drunk yesterday", however the opposite is almost ALWAYS true...
"
Jules
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: ohio
Posts: 279
I am on day 3 and I know I want to drink. I'm telling the voice to shut the hell up but it is getting to me. The fact that I would even want to consider drinking today. I'm only on day 3! How am I ever going to do this?
I want to have a life and I don't want to hate myself. And I don't want to die a horrible alcoholic death. The fact that I have become this person is sad. I have said over and over "never again" and here I am thinking about it.
I know people say take the option off the table. Just don't drink for today. I have to get this obsession off my mind......an obsession of the mind and an allergy of the body.
I want to have a life and I don't want to hate myself. And I don't want to die a horrible alcoholic death. The fact that I have become this person is sad. I have said over and over "never again" and here I am thinking about it.
I know people say take the option off the table. Just don't drink for today. I have to get this obsession off my mind......an obsession of the mind and an allergy of the body.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: ohio
Posts: 10
Another day 1 for me. Amazing how great i feel at times when i am sober, for some reason i choose to let that go. Is it just me or does the emotional roller coaster play a part for others as well? Not making execuses at all but man that plays a big part that I need to get past
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,439
For me the trick was adding more and more support until one day...I didn't drink that day.
If you need to sit on SR all day, or hide your car keys, stay in PJs all day, check out AA or another group or even looking into rehab......do it...breaking the cycle is the first, and very important step.
D
If you need to sit on SR all day, or hide your car keys, stay in PJs all day, check out AA or another group or even looking into rehab......do it...breaking the cycle is the first, and very important step.
D
Jules
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: ohio
Posts: 279
Originally Posted by allvol
Another day 1 for me. Amazing how great i feel at times when i am sober, for some reason i choose to let that go. Is it just me or does the emotional roller coaster play a part for others as well? Not making execuses at all but man that plays a big part that I need to get past
After that my "crisis" seems to pass pretty quickly. I had some hot chocolate. Did some yoga and feel pretty decent right now.
I think what I need to focus on is the feeling or urge that I have to drink is just that, its just a feeling and those come and go, that doesn't mean I have to act on it.
Hang in there.....you can do this!
Jules
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: ohio
Posts: 279
You are right Dee. I need to retrain my brain because I've been doing the wrong thing for so long. Its my habit, my coping mechanism, my way to make myself feel better. Until the morning and I despise the fact that I caved again.
I'm not sure the exact path I will take to stay sober but I know I'm going to have to try different things and it will probably be an evolving journey!
I'm not sure the exact path I will take to stay sober but I know I'm going to have to try different things and it will probably be an evolving journey!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 56
Hey Jules!
You are not alone, I am still doing the loopty loop mood swing, laughing then near tears, hopeless then hopeful, haha it is driving me nuts.
One day at a time, and living in the now is helping. SR and the meetings help. Reading more about AVRT and just reading that sooooo many other folks are experiencing nearly the exact same symptoms makes me feel normal, not ashamed.
It ain't easy but it IS possible! Millions of folks are doing it every day, we can be a million and one. Knowing that gives me perspective and hope.
Good luck my friends, I'm rooting for you all!
You are not alone, I am still doing the loopty loop mood swing, laughing then near tears, hopeless then hopeful, haha it is driving me nuts.
One day at a time, and living in the now is helping. SR and the meetings help. Reading more about AVRT and just reading that sooooo many other folks are experiencing nearly the exact same symptoms makes me feel normal, not ashamed.
It ain't easy but it IS possible! Millions of folks are doing it every day, we can be a million and one. Knowing that gives me perspective and hope.
Good luck my friends, I'm rooting for you all!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 56
Had another thought too...
If your are anything like me you are always thinking of the past to get perspective for the future, and fantasizing about what lies ahead. Knock it off for now, just try to keep it simple. I keep telling myself, hey, just think about that later, not right now and take the day as it comes. It helps with my nerves a bit, and the anxiety.
If your are anything like me you are always thinking of the past to get perspective for the future, and fantasizing about what lies ahead. Knock it off for now, just try to keep it simple. I keep telling myself, hey, just think about that later, not right now and take the day as it comes. It helps with my nerves a bit, and the anxiety.
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