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story from a confused newcomer

Old 01-19-2013, 02:21 PM
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story from a confused newcomer

Hi. I live in Dallas with my partner. I have never posted on a site like this and have no experience with meetings... I dont really know how it works, and dont want to offend anyone here.

My partner is a recovering addict from both drinking and drugs. I live with him, and Im a full time student, so right now he is basically supporting me while I attend studies. He had been sober for years, then he relapsed a couple times, partying with coworkers and stuff like that. Lately his relapses are becomming more and more frequent.

At first I got angry. I yelled at him. We had a big fight. He will lie and sneak and manipulate... anything to justify why he needs to go out, or why he relapsed. I try to ask him to stay home and not go, or if he calls and he is out I tell him that I will come pick him up and bring him home. He will say yes he wants me to pick him up but only after he is "finished". That I wont do. He can take a cab home at 6 or 8 am. I wont wait up while he is out partying. I feel like that is enabling him. I stay up worrying. I dont get sleep. Then when he gets home he blames me saying Im not supportive of his situation. He begs me to drive him to the liquor store. I refuse. He blames me again as not supporting him when he needs me. I tell him if he needs liquor, Im not going to tie him down, he is free to go, but I wont participate by driving him there. I watch him as he takes too many sleeping pills trying to "come down" I have to sit with him to make sure he is okay, because Im afraid he took too many.

I really just do not know what to do anymore. I can not stop him from doing these things. There is no reasoning with him, if he wants to go out and get high, then he will by any means necessary. I tried the getting angry thing, but that just made everything worse. So I stay calm. I tell him he made a bad decision but that doesnt mean I dont love him. But then he shifts the blame on me saying Im not caring or understanding, Im not good enough, I dont understand recovery etc etc. but it is all just him falsely justifying things.

He needs to go to meetings. He used to. He says he will go again, but it never happens. I can not force him to. Im just feeling helpless and I dont know what I should do. Thanks for understanding.
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Old 01-19-2013, 02:24 PM
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Hi tenmiles - I'm sorry for your situation.

We have Family and Friends forums here - you'll find a lot of experience and support there too to help you decide what to do for yourself and your well being

The Alcoholism and Addictions Help Forums- by SoberRecovery.com

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Have a read around and you can decide which forum is the best fit for you
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Old 01-19-2013, 02:36 PM
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Oh boy, I'm really sorry that he's relapsed like that, and as well, I'm sorry that you are dealing with it. Very sorry.

Do you have anywhere you can go? I know you say he's supporting you, but do you have family or friends that you can stay with, move back home?

He needs to do this on his own, and I hope he does.

I relapsed, but I'm back and it didn't even get bad either. For me it just got to the point where I got to thinking "you know where this is about to go 'Vegi'..." so here I am. Have you asked him what it was that made him get sober the last time? If it was really, really bad?? If so, ask him if he wants it to get that bad again, as a reminder...

My thoughts are with you, hope you get some answers here, welcome to SR, this site is awesome. :ghug3
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Old 01-19-2013, 03:13 PM
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Wow thank you so much. I really didnt think anyone would understand my situation, but after reading some of these posts I realize that there are many many people that probably have some idea of what Im struggling with.

No I havent asked him those things, but those are good suggestions.

Im not sure it has gotten to the point of me leaving him. Besides, Im actually a Canadian citizen, here on a student visa. I have no family here and few close friends. Maybe he does need to go through this himself? Anyway the fact is that if I decide to leave I would be giving up my education, which doesnt seem right. But like I say I dont think it is quite to that point yet. The incidents are about every month, I think theres hope to get him to meetings and get help, its just when sometihng does happen, I feel like theres nothing I can do to help or that anything I do will just make the situation worse.
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Old 01-19-2013, 03:19 PM
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I would address it, and you need to give yourself some leverage. If you haven't seen him at his worse, I don't think you're going t want to. When an addict goes on a run, it just gets worse, believe me.

Good luck, and keep coming back.
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Old 01-19-2013, 03:22 PM
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thank you SO much. This has really helped me today.
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Old 01-19-2013, 03:27 PM
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Hi tenmiles. I'm glad you joined us. As Dee said, the Friends & Family Forum is great. There are many in a similar situation - you're not alone. It's good you've reached out for some help.

I've been on both sides of this thing. I lost my alcoholic husband many years ago. I didn't know what I was dealing with back then - I was the classic enabler. Always making excuses and trying to cover up what was going on. Nothing I said or did ever stopped my husband from feeding his addiction. He'd been at it since he was 15 & was in his 30's when we parted. Still drinking, still trying to manage it. Unless your partner wants to stop, all you can do is get help for yourself - maybe consider attending Al-Anon meetings. Joining SR will help you greatly, too. Please let us know how you're doing.
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Old 01-19-2013, 07:44 PM
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My wife learned early on there was no amt of nagging or pleading or manipulating that could get me to stop drinking. She had two alternatives she was considering: 1) live without me with our 13 and 15 year olds or 2) live with me as I was...I am 45 and have been in AA off and on (mostly on, lying abt not drinking) for 12 years. Outside of the first 6 months of continuous sobriety I have never strung together more than 3 days. I was in UK on business when I decided to relapse. Anyway, I now have 58 days and I couldn't have done it without the support from my wife and kids.

The moral of my long winded response was she took control over her life choosing #2 from above (along with the kids) and left me to my own devices. But she says she never felt trapped and would use the first option when she couldn't bear the second any Longer. What she was NOT going to do was waste energy trying to keep me sober.

Take what u want and leave the rest
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Old 01-19-2013, 08:34 PM
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I am an addict

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You can't make me clean, though I know it is what you want for me to be. But until I want it. I won't be. You can't love me clean, because until I learn to love myself. I won't be. I know you must wonder how can I learn to love myself when I am caught up in a life style of self-hatred and self destruction. I can learn from my own experiences. I can learn from the things that happen to me along the path of my own mistakes. I can learn by being allowed to suffer the consequences of my choices. Life has a funny way of teaching us the lessons we need learn.

I know it devastates you to watch me hurting myself. I know you want to jump in and save me. This helps ease your pain, but I don't think you understand just how damaging it is to me.

You see, although I look and sound like your loved one. I am not. That person is in a self imposed prison way deep down inside of my being and what you see before you is an addict ruled and reigned by my addiction. I am a addict and my main focus is to feed the addiction. Every effort you put forth in the name of "helping me" falls prey to my addiction giving it more power to shackle me down a little more each time.

I feed my addiction enough. So please don't help me.

The only way for the real me to get free is to be free. FREE to fall as far down as I need to go in order to find the strength to fight and find my way back. To break free.

How can or will I ever be able to get clean you wonder ...

The same way I gave myself over to my addiction is the same way I can give myself over to my recovery. BY MYSELF

By not enabling me you will be allowing me to reach "rock bottom". By trusting the process you move over and allow me to find the my own way back. You see, it is in the fight to get free that I will find myself. It is in the fight that I will learn to love myself and the more I love myself ... the more I will start to do to better myself, but I myself, must do this.

I am aware that when I use I am playing Russian roulette with my life. I know this, but that is a chance I take when I use. The addict in me is willing to take that chance in the name of getting high.

Rock bottom is but a circumstance away. I can't reach it you are blocking the entrance.

I know you love me and you only want whats best for me ... but that very love keeps you blind sighted to just what truly is best for me and causes you to act from/out of fear and emotions.

Please for my sake don't try to stop me... just let me go ... move out of the way and let me fall as far down as my addiction is going to take me ... as far down as I have to to reach rock bottom. Don't try to cushion the fall. Just believe in me and trust the process. Pray for me that when I do hit ... it is not with the impact that leaves me for dead (I know that is your greatest fear), but if it comes to that, be sure to tell my story so that others might learn from my mistakes and live.

Passion
Recovering addict
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