What am I doing with my life!!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Eastern Cape; South Africa
Posts: 20
What am I doing with my life!!!!
I am a 29 yo young professional....and I am destroying my life and future....
A seriously disturbing thing happened a few hours ago....the dealers where I get my drugs from tried to high-jack my car. It was only a miracle that we got away unscathed....to be honest, I don't think I would have had the chance to tell this story if they succeeded.
Last night we went to clubs and took extacy pills, which actually ended up being an 8hour drug binge. When we left the club at 5am this morning the drug dealers were waiting for us. Thank God we got away.
When I finally got home at around 6am my wife was waiting for me like so many other nights for the last 2years. She was so upset that words cannot describe her anger and rightly so...as I am writing this I feel the effects of the drugs wearing off. The effects of the "comedown" with the emotional beating I'm giving myself now is resulting in minor depression...how do I deal with this? Take it on the chin and move on??? This only leaves me wanting more drugs.
I started experimenting with cocaine 2 years ago and bassically have never stopped since that first line. It all started with a "few lines" that would not hook me, my friends said. After using cocaine on every single friday night for about 6months, I decided that I needed to stop because my relationship with my wife was suffering badly and the cost of this "hobbie" was horrendous.....so I stopped for about a month or so. My wife still thinks that it was for much longer. Sorry to say this, but druggies know how to lie to get what they want. I regret doing this as I could have saved so much money and time and not to mention the strain on my marriage that could have been prevented if i was truthful from the start.
Instead, I tried to self medicate the problem by doing other drugs like weed and extacy because I thought i knew better. How foolish, naive and egotistical have I been for the last 18 months, thinking that I could do this on my own and doing it my way.
So after my wife cooled down a bit, she gave me a declaration....I sober up or we go our seperate ways. Obviously I chose sobering up.
We decided that I should attend weekly meetings at our local narcotics anonymous branch and that joining an online forum, such as SoberRecovery, would be beneficial. Hence this post.
At this stage of the fight I will take whatever help I can get. I have spent a small fortune of our hard earned money on drugs, booze and entertaining my "friends" on these Friday night escapades, not to mention the hundreds of hours lost sleeping through entire days after a night out.
The irony is, I know the difference between right and wrong. I have always taken responsibility for my own actions and life, and corrected myself when needed, but I cannot get rid of this cocaine monkey on my back. I have relapsed about 5times in the last 18 months. I want to stay in on a Friday, but find it extremely difficult as the slightest thing would trigger a night out. For example, a song might play on the radio or tv that I associate with the drugs and I will not think twice to go out. I am tired of doing this to myself and my wife. I want a normal life without the complications that comes with drug addiction. I would like to thank my loyal and beautiful wife for standing by my side through these tough times. Although, I am still addicted, If it wasn't for her, I would have been in even deeper trouble.
After the events of this morning, I am grateful to be unharmed and to have an opportunity to make the desperately required changes in my life.
Therefore, please give me advice on how to change this poor character trait, please.
A seriously disturbing thing happened a few hours ago....the dealers where I get my drugs from tried to high-jack my car. It was only a miracle that we got away unscathed....to be honest, I don't think I would have had the chance to tell this story if they succeeded.
Last night we went to clubs and took extacy pills, which actually ended up being an 8hour drug binge. When we left the club at 5am this morning the drug dealers were waiting for us. Thank God we got away.
When I finally got home at around 6am my wife was waiting for me like so many other nights for the last 2years. She was so upset that words cannot describe her anger and rightly so...as I am writing this I feel the effects of the drugs wearing off. The effects of the "comedown" with the emotional beating I'm giving myself now is resulting in minor depression...how do I deal with this? Take it on the chin and move on??? This only leaves me wanting more drugs.
I started experimenting with cocaine 2 years ago and bassically have never stopped since that first line. It all started with a "few lines" that would not hook me, my friends said. After using cocaine on every single friday night for about 6months, I decided that I needed to stop because my relationship with my wife was suffering badly and the cost of this "hobbie" was horrendous.....so I stopped for about a month or so. My wife still thinks that it was for much longer. Sorry to say this, but druggies know how to lie to get what they want. I regret doing this as I could have saved so much money and time and not to mention the strain on my marriage that could have been prevented if i was truthful from the start.
Instead, I tried to self medicate the problem by doing other drugs like weed and extacy because I thought i knew better. How foolish, naive and egotistical have I been for the last 18 months, thinking that I could do this on my own and doing it my way.
So after my wife cooled down a bit, she gave me a declaration....I sober up or we go our seperate ways. Obviously I chose sobering up.
We decided that I should attend weekly meetings at our local narcotics anonymous branch and that joining an online forum, such as SoberRecovery, would be beneficial. Hence this post.
At this stage of the fight I will take whatever help I can get. I have spent a small fortune of our hard earned money on drugs, booze and entertaining my "friends" on these Friday night escapades, not to mention the hundreds of hours lost sleeping through entire days after a night out.
The irony is, I know the difference between right and wrong. I have always taken responsibility for my own actions and life, and corrected myself when needed, but I cannot get rid of this cocaine monkey on my back. I have relapsed about 5times in the last 18 months. I want to stay in on a Friday, but find it extremely difficult as the slightest thing would trigger a night out. For example, a song might play on the radio or tv that I associate with the drugs and I will not think twice to go out. I am tired of doing this to myself and my wife. I want a normal life without the complications that comes with drug addiction. I would like to thank my loyal and beautiful wife for standing by my side through these tough times. Although, I am still addicted, If it wasn't for her, I would have been in even deeper trouble.
After the events of this morning, I am grateful to be unharmed and to have an opportunity to make the desperately required changes in my life.
Therefore, please give me advice on how to change this poor character trait, please.
Not Alone
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: South East UK
Posts: 1,513
Hello mate,
Welcome to the forums. I was a cocaine user and also attend NA. The question really should be 'What am I going to do with my life?' NA will work if you work the steps and follow the suggestions. It's kept me clean for 8 months and at my peak I was doing 10g a night on top of booze and pills. Recovery is possible. You know you have a problem. Now just get stuck in and do something about it.
Natom.
Welcome to the forums. I was a cocaine user and also attend NA. The question really should be 'What am I going to do with my life?' NA will work if you work the steps and follow the suggestions. It's kept me clean for 8 months and at my peak I was doing 10g a night on top of booze and pills. Recovery is possible. You know you have a problem. Now just get stuck in and do something about it.
Natom.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,759
to SR! I don't know about drugs, I was a wino, but I'd suggest starting in NA for help in getting clean and staying clean. Maybe counseling would help you too, in understanding why you used and how to stop using and have a real, happy life. :ghug3
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Long Island
Posts: 33
Naive....you write very well, you are smart, still thinking, and still alive. Ask yourself, "are you willing to do ANYTHING to stay clean?". Then start now....one minute at a time. As with anyone recovering from anything, give yourself time. Go to meetings (they take up less time then drug binges), take the advice of the rooms, get a good sponsor that you really relate to, usually with in 15 minutes the urge will pass (until the next urge
, read SR posts, write posts, do jumping jacks, talk with your wife, find or sponsor about the urges, PRAY .....keep it simple, it gets better.....one day at a Time. Good luck and God Bless!
, read SR posts, write posts, do jumping jacks, talk with your wife, find or sponsor about the urges, PRAY .....keep it simple, it gets better.....one day at a Time. Good luck and God Bless!
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
First thing I'd suggest is this. Get into NA, listen, identify, do what they suggest. Drug addiction is a bear. In the beginning of recovery I truly feel it is best to get into a structured program and work it as directed.
Newly clean was not a time for me to try to reinvent the wheel. My mind, feelings and health were all over the place. NA put a map in my hand.
There may be things you will think are silly, or pointless or whatever, but so what? For now, keep an open mind and follow directions. The people in NA aren't there to sell you anything, they are there to recover and to help other addicts recover. You're not handing control of your life to anyone, you work YOUR OWN program, using a framework that has led many others to freedom.
That being said. NA is a fellowship of addicts. People are in different places in their recovery. Each group has it's own character, attend several different meeting in your area and find some that suit you and that you see people making recovery progress. There are some people in NA, as there are every where, that aren't honest, or positive, or the sort you want to take home to meet "mom".
Stay focused on the program of recovery and working you program and establishing a recovery support network for yourself. When you identify some people who have the sort of recovery you want for yourself. Ask them how they do it, and try that.
Newly clean was not a time for me to try to reinvent the wheel. My mind, feelings and health were all over the place. NA put a map in my hand.
There may be things you will think are silly, or pointless or whatever, but so what? For now, keep an open mind and follow directions. The people in NA aren't there to sell you anything, they are there to recover and to help other addicts recover. You're not handing control of your life to anyone, you work YOUR OWN program, using a framework that has led many others to freedom.
That being said. NA is a fellowship of addicts. People are in different places in their recovery. Each group has it's own character, attend several different meeting in your area and find some that suit you and that you see people making recovery progress. There are some people in NA, as there are every where, that aren't honest, or positive, or the sort you want to take home to meet "mom".
Stay focused on the program of recovery and working you program and establishing a recovery support network for yourself. When you identify some people who have the sort of recovery you want for yourself. Ask them how they do it, and try that.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 249
Be careful not to get bogged down in regrets. Learn from past mistakes but don't allow them to consume you. The past is the past, and there it is. What matters is what you choose to do today, that might lead you in the direction you want to go.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 8,642
Wino here as well, Naive....with a little Xanax addiction thrown in. All I can offer is that the people here will help you in ways you can't even imagined. Keep reading and posting.
And please know that there is a glorious, drug free life waiting for you. You just have to do the work.
Be well.
And please know that there is a glorious, drug free life waiting for you. You just have to do the work.
Be well.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Welcome to SR! I'm an alcoholic, in AA, but know many people who have recovered from addictions in NA. I won't try to give you advice about getting clean and staying that way--alcohol and cocaine are both drugs, but there are issues specific to each that only others with the same problem can help you with effectively.
I will suggest a couple of books, though (not meant to take the place of your NA book): Moments of Clarity by Christopher Kennedy Lawford (yes, one of THOSE Kennedys), and Broken by William Cope Moyers. Both books have a lot of inspiration to be found in their pages. Moyers's book is about his own recovery from drug addiction, and Lawford's book is a collection of stories about how people came to the realization that they needed to change their addicted lives.
My own observation is that moments of clarity like the one you are experiencing now have a limited "shelf life"--the window of opportunity, where you are really motivated to change, opens and if you don't act on it immediately it tends to close again, perhaps not to re-open for months or years, during which you can experience a lot more misery (that is, if you make it back at all).
So the way you are feeling right now is a gift--take it and run with it, and give it all you've got. Giving up the struggle was key for me. I knew if I tried to "battle" alcohol it would kick my butt every time. It's stronger than I am. But giving up the struggle--letting alcohol "win" and simply building a life that had no need for it, with the help of a lot of folks who have done the same thing--THAT bought me freedom.
I will suggest a couple of books, though (not meant to take the place of your NA book): Moments of Clarity by Christopher Kennedy Lawford (yes, one of THOSE Kennedys), and Broken by William Cope Moyers. Both books have a lot of inspiration to be found in their pages. Moyers's book is about his own recovery from drug addiction, and Lawford's book is a collection of stories about how people came to the realization that they needed to change their addicted lives.
My own observation is that moments of clarity like the one you are experiencing now have a limited "shelf life"--the window of opportunity, where you are really motivated to change, opens and if you don't act on it immediately it tends to close again, perhaps not to re-open for months or years, during which you can experience a lot more misery (that is, if you make it back at all).
So the way you are feeling right now is a gift--take it and run with it, and give it all you've got. Giving up the struggle was key for me. I knew if I tried to "battle" alcohol it would kick my butt every time. It's stronger than I am. But giving up the struggle--letting alcohol "win" and simply building a life that had no need for it, with the help of a lot of folks who have done the same thing--THAT bought me freedom.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Canada. About as far south as you can get
Posts: 4,768
Hello Naive123:
I found recovery from Alcohol and Valium in the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous.
You will discover soon which recovery program is best. As lexieCat said "Grab it".
All the best in your new life.
Bob R
I found recovery from Alcohol and Valium in the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous.
You will discover soon which recovery program is best. As lexieCat said "Grab it".
All the best in your new life.
Bob R
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Eastern Cape; South Africa
Posts: 20
Hi 2granddaughters,
Thanks for the input. My first NA meeting will be next week Tuesday. Kind of nervous but also looking forward to it.
Keep well and all of the best.
Thanks for the input. My first NA meeting will be next week Tuesday. Kind of nervous but also looking forward to it.
Keep well and all of the best.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Northeast
Posts: 441
Naive, I used to binge drink on the weekends and occasionally use cocaine - not that long ago, either. I was up all night on new years eve doing coke and drinking. Hang overs after doing cocaine are the absolute worst. I would sleep the entire next day and feel depressed for a good 3 days after, at least. Thats not even including the terrible feeling of realizing how much money I had spent on it. What is it that you like about it so much? How it helps you to stay up and alert drinking all night? I'd stay up talking with my friend(s) till 11 the next morning. But then what? In hindsight, we talked about ridiculous things - half of which we didn't even remember the next day. I wasted my money, had a wretched hang over the next day - if I could even fall asleep somewhat easily, the comedown is a nightmare if you haven't drank enough.
I hope that I never do it again. If you are doing coke while drinking, then stop drinking. I don't know many people who can do it alone without being pretty edgy. Think about the consequences of the high, is it really worth it? You're in control. After you're off coke, you're off it, there are no physical withdrawals, etc like with other drugs. Remember that, and think about it rationally.
I hope that I never do it again. If you are doing coke while drinking, then stop drinking. I don't know many people who can do it alone without being pretty edgy. Think about the consequences of the high, is it really worth it? You're in control. After you're off coke, you're off it, there are no physical withdrawals, etc like with other drugs. Remember that, and think about it rationally.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Eastern Cape; South Africa
Posts: 20
Hi janiebluebird,
Thanks for sharing the experience you had. You are correct to say that the hangover from coke is absolutely horrendous - it lasts for days. You go through that really bad experience for a high of maybe 1 hour, depending on how much you take and how resistant you have become over the years. It does not make sense at all. It never did, however, I kept on doing it for 2 years.
My experience with it was that it made me feel invincible when in actual fact it did exactly the opposite. When you go on a binge you cannot speak or walk properly. I lost co-ordination, but I still continued taking the stuff. I also got so paranoid that I could not drive in a straight line because I was looking in the rear-view and side mirrors for people following me. Ridiculous! I am not even going to start discussing how idiotic it was driving a vehicle whilst under the influence of drugs and alcohol... There are so many regrets...
Today, I started researching the negative effects of long term cocaine abuse. I found that primarily the organs like the kidneys and heart get damaged.This is worrying for me on two levels. Why did I only start to do research now...why not sooner???...and what damage has the abuse caused?
Now, the answer to the first question. I need to look within or get a counselor to help me do so, but the answer needs to be found in order for me to progress. Secondly, I should maybe get my heart checked out rather sooner than later.
For now I'll take it day by day...and no, I do not intend to do any narcotics ever again, with or with out alcohol.
Thanks for sharing the experience you had. You are correct to say that the hangover from coke is absolutely horrendous - it lasts for days. You go through that really bad experience for a high of maybe 1 hour, depending on how much you take and how resistant you have become over the years. It does not make sense at all. It never did, however, I kept on doing it for 2 years.
My experience with it was that it made me feel invincible when in actual fact it did exactly the opposite. When you go on a binge you cannot speak or walk properly. I lost co-ordination, but I still continued taking the stuff. I also got so paranoid that I could not drive in a straight line because I was looking in the rear-view and side mirrors for people following me. Ridiculous! I am not even going to start discussing how idiotic it was driving a vehicle whilst under the influence of drugs and alcohol... There are so many regrets...
Today, I started researching the negative effects of long term cocaine abuse. I found that primarily the organs like the kidneys and heart get damaged.This is worrying for me on two levels. Why did I only start to do research now...why not sooner???...and what damage has the abuse caused?
Now, the answer to the first question. I need to look within or get a counselor to help me do so, but the answer needs to be found in order for me to progress. Secondly, I should maybe get my heart checked out rather sooner than later.
For now I'll take it day by day...and no, I do not intend to do any narcotics ever again, with or with out alcohol.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,526
Naive, I'm so glad you found us. Very happy to see you're going to give NA a try.
I have no experience with drugs, just alcohol. Your regrets and remorse are just the same as mine, though. I drove drunk and did idiotic, out-of-character things as well. I'd suggest you try not to dwell on the things you can't go back and change. You are very self aware and know what needs to be done. Some never make it out of hell. I'm glad you have joined us - hoping to hear more about your journey.
I have no experience with drugs, just alcohol. Your regrets and remorse are just the same as mine, though. I drove drunk and did idiotic, out-of-character things as well. I'd suggest you try not to dwell on the things you can't go back and change. You are very self aware and know what needs to be done. Some never make it out of hell. I'm glad you have joined us - hoping to hear more about your journey.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Eastern Cape; South Africa
Posts: 20
Thank you Hevyn, I must say I was a quite skeptical while writing my original post about joining a group like this. However, when your back is against the wall you must do everything you can to salvage the situation.
I must say that the feedback has been wonderful. I am so glad to be chatting to people with the similar problems, worries and doubts as what I have. I am sure that the guys and girls of the SR Community will make the journey to full recover much more bearable. It will take huge amount of pressure off my wife as she does not even remotely know what I am going through now, which I am so grateful for.
I can tell you this much, I can without an ounce of doubt say that I have not done anything remotely as difficult in my life than to try and kick this bad habit.
I'll let you guys know how my first NA meeting went.
Thanks for the support!:ghug3
I must say that the feedback has been wonderful. I am so glad to be chatting to people with the similar problems, worries and doubts as what I have. I am sure that the guys and girls of the SR Community will make the journey to full recover much more bearable. It will take huge amount of pressure off my wife as she does not even remotely know what I am going through now, which I am so grateful for.
I can tell you this much, I can without an ounce of doubt say that I have not done anything remotely as difficult in my life than to try and kick this bad habit.
I'll let you guys know how my first NA meeting went.
Thanks for the support!:ghug3
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,526
I was skeptical, too. It was the not being alone part that appealed to me - I had no one in my life who truly understood. What I appreciate about SR is - we have empathy for each other, but we also don't usually sugarcoat things. It's straight talk done with a lot of kindness and understanding. Mostly .
.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: SE and then South some more
Posts: 2,648
Hey Naive, it won't be easy, but you can do it. I'm glad your wife put her foot down, I have done cocaine before, and I HATED it, I don't know what's so great about it, but I know some people really like it. I wish I hated alcohol like that.
I'm with everyone else on this too. I wish you could get to a meeting before Tuesday, but I do hope you'll keep posting here, keep sharing and you'll get a lot of support (as you've already noticed ), and welcome to SR!!
I'm with everyone else on this too. I wish you could get to a meeting before Tuesday, but I do hope you'll keep posting here, keep sharing and you'll get a lot of support (as you've already noticed
), and welcome to SR!!
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