Gave up alcohol and lost a friend
 

I'm 12 days alcohol free now.

One of my best friends was with me on the day I "scheduled" my last drink. He's a great friend and I wanted to be in the company of people I enjoyed when I had my last drink. He was very supportive and said "a man that wants to feel great everyday of his life.... That's damn admirable"

On my 4th day AF, he and our other buddy went to a local brewery and he told him that I'd quit drinking. This was a Thursday. The next day, our other buddy, we'llcall him "Max", Sent me a text message and asked me what I was doing that Friday night. I told him I'd probably go out to grab a bite to eat. He said to let him know if I cared for company.

A few minutes later he texted me and said "God, I could really go for a beer right now".

I asked him why he said that and he just laughed, that pretty much ended our friendship.

It stunned me that a friend could say something like that. I guess he was never really a good friend.

It's very disappointing to learn things like that about people, but obviously I'm better off without people like that in my life

You need different friends.

I think we all have been disappointed and surprised by the fallout from our stopping drinking. It's a big change and change is always scary.

I agree. run your own race

Wow! I'm really sorry he did that to you. I only keep people around me that support my sobriety. True friends won't do this sort of thing to you.

He wants to pull you down & keep you down with him. Misery loves company.

I think sometimes when one of us stops drinking, it forces some "friends" to hold a mirror up to themselves, and many do not like what they see. So I guess they "blame" us in a way for making them see that.

I agree with what everyone else said.

Staying sober will weed out the real friends from the ones you don't need. I'd say it's a good idea to stay away from this guy for now. Things might change down the line, and they might not. People say really stupid things all the time, and this might have been one of those times. Only time will tell however. I'd keep away for a while.

Some of my friends took actual bets on how long I'd stay away. I didn't hang with them.

I guess I'm in the minority here, but just because he made jest of it, it's very possible he just really didn't take it seriously as it sounds like you were drinking buddies before. You told your other friend in person and he got it - maybe you should have had a face-to-face with your other friend and explained it to him in person as well instead of simply through texting. I think you may be surprised if he takes a whole new attitude to your 'no more drinking' if you were to let him know in person instead of second-hand through your other friend. I think it's worth one more shot to see if he's a true friend or not, in person. Obviously, if he still laughs you off, it's done.

Supporting my sobriety is not a requirement for me to have a friend, they can be neutral or still drink and that is fine with me. It honestly doesn't come up at all now unless I bring it up for a reason, like helping some who wants to quit.

Having an acquaintance start to harrass or try to tempt me will bring my silent hairy eyeball, and a walk away never to speak again. Seriously. If they try to use HS peer pressure They get a laugh and the same thing. I can't engage in a battle of wits with an unarmed man or woman.

But I don't think about it one way or the other. Why should they? I remember how I used to hate going to a "family" restaurant that did not serve alcohol. Now I prefer them, and find they have pretty good food too.

In early sobriety there are some social lessons that are tough for all of us. Especially if our relationships were alcohol based. Those can't survive our sobriety for many of the reasons already stated.

I may not have understood exactly what happened with your friend, but one thing I have found is that most people don't understand what we go through. I had a friend ask me if i'd be drinking again the next time i visited his town so we could go out for dinner and have a beer. We had a little talk and i think he understands better, but i have had plenty of other examples where people who love and support me just don't know what its like.

I have an old friend. We used to drink together. Last year she went to the hospital,then rehab. I was still drinking every day at the time however, I was miserable. She called me after she was back home and asked me to lunch. I told her that I thought it was a bad idea because I will drink. I did not want to undermine her progress. She understood and insisted she would be ok. I still wouldnt do it. I can now because I quit. If this drinking friend doesnt want to hang out with you it may be in your best interest.

It is hard for our drinking buddy friends when we quit and they haven't. It makes them think about their own drinking, and they don't know quite how to act around us at the beginning. If the person is really a friend, he probably didn't mean to be insensitive. Stay away for awhile to let everyone get used to the new changes-he may surprise you down the road.

My friends were the type that were supportive on one hand, and on the other were asking me how long I planned to do this. They are now back to treating me normally, but it took a few months for all of us to adjust.

Congrats on your 12 days-you're off to a great start and you have a good commitment to sticking to it!

I can see the different sides of advice. I'm leaning towards ladyinbc though. Over the years, I've seen him act in a back-handed way and slight friendships.

Iamnoone is looking for the bright side which is a good way to be and I appreciate the positive input.

I guess I simply needed to vent.

My other good friend has been very supportive , yet continues to drink. I'm ok with that. There's never any pressure to follow suit. That has been very helpful in not feeling like you have to isolate yourself.

Thanks for all of the input, peeps

KC, I'm so sorry that your friend did that to you. But it's proof you don't need that friend in your life at this stage of the game. You may be conquering something he wanted to do. Maybe you following a sober dream is a wake up call to him. Getting sober isn't about quitting drinking. It's about changing our thinking. I lost several friends when I began this journey, but I have the confidence to know it wasn't over a drunken phone call or text, or argument. It's over me making better choices in my life. Choices that are hard. They are damn hard, but we gain so much more. Sometimes those closest to us want to keep us down because it makes themselves feel better. Be prepared to hear the "you think you're better than the rest of us" speech. And it's so not that!!! They don't get it. They want it, but they just can't grab it. It's not their time, I guess. Just stay sober and the rest will follow! Best wishes!

I really like this. Respect for honesty.

Wait, this guy said HE really could go for a beer, and somehow that translates into him being an insensitive butt and not supportive? Am I missing something?

I mean, you know the guy, I don't and if you need to cross him off the buddy list for your well being do so. But I'm not getting how lack of total solidarity by everyone within a certain radius of us translates into them being an insensitive undermining boob.

You went to a BREWERY with this guy and a few days later are blasting him for saying he wants a beer, and doesn't he know that suddenly that subject is tabboo?

Nope, people who don't have addiction problems don't understand. They don't understand the "never again" thing, many of us in recovery had to test that theory ourselves a couple three times before we realized that yup, it DOES apply to us.

I have real actual friends who occasionally still ask if I want wine with dinner or whatever, because they don't know if me being in recovery meant I stopped for awhile till I got a handle on things, or just needed to cut back to special occasions only, or if it's a total across the board ban on booze. They are not being insensitive.

I think that it is hard for the people around us to understand, especially the first few weeks and months in. Especially when last week we were celebrating our "last drink"...that does sort of make it hard to grasp that this is deadly serious business.

Like going to a strip bar and getting lap dances the night before a guys wedding...yeah that reeks of life long fidelity, and the boys should NEVER mention getting laid again around us, the "family man"....

I suppose this is coming off as grossly unsupportive, and I know how touchy we can be, especially early on, but recovery is the time we STOP pointing fingers at others as the reason we drank, couldn't stop drinking, start drinking again, etc etc.

For years we were our own worst friend, talking bs to ourselves about drinking, lying to ourselves, our friends, and everyone around us, now a few days in we are full of self righteousness and angry that THEY don't get it and kiss our butt for this amazing thing we are doing.

THe only world that starts spinning in a new direction when we get sober is our own. Focus on that one. Tell your friend you can't join him in a beer and make alternative plans for yourself. Remember that no one else was responsible for your drinking and they are not responsible for your recovery either.

I HAD a friend like that. Glad he's gone. You learn how and what friends are when you can see clear enough.

Hi there, I truly think that you are better off without such people.

I am new to this recovery thing and anticipate that I will also lose some of my 'buddies' because of the choices I made today.

Regards and all of the best!:c015:

As someone I respect very much once said, "It isn't the job of your family and friends to understand alcoholism, it's YOUR job." That said, if being around certain people makes it more difficult to stay sober you are best off not being in their company for a while, at least until you are on solid grounds with your sobriety.

Just be careful, as Threshold said, of blaming your drinking, or wanting to drink, on people, places, and situations. We drink because we are alcoholics. And that's what alcoholics DO. If it isn't one person, place, or situation, it's another. I think it's an excellent idea to avoid those things in early sobriety until you really internalize the changes in you that will make it not matter what other people say or do, but be careful about resenting those people, places, and situations for not accommodating your illness and recovery.