LoftSprite

Good Morning. I hope that everyone is well.

My wife and I separated around 6 months ago because of my drinking. I have been sober ever since. My 6 month date will be 23rd January and I am rightly proud. I am doing well, have changed my life, eat healthily, exercise 6 times per week, have lost a lot of weight and love life - apart from being away from her and my 2 children.

Before we separated, me and my family lived and worked overseas. Following the separation, my wife returned to the UK with the children which was and still is devastating to me. I speak to the children daily on Skype and whilst not ideal, it is better than nothing.

I returned to the UK for 10 days over Christmas and had a wonderful break with no issues, staying in the family home although in a spare room, took my wife out for dinner and the theatre in Central London and had a lovely time. I heard from a friend of my wife's that she had commented that she couldn't believe the transformation in me. Still doesn't want me back though.

Last week, I had extremely bad flu and was off work for 5 days. I can't remember the last time I had such a horrible attack of flu. Anyway, I was conscious that I still needed to speak with the children so although I missed a couple of days, I made my regular Skype calls. I looked sh*t and sounded sh*t but that's flu for you.

HOWEVER, I have since heard from a reliable source in the UK that my wife overheard me talking and saw me on the screen and that she does not believe it was flu but that I had started drinking again! Naturally, I am affronted and annoyed by this but as she hasn't said this to me herself, I can't confront the accusation. She has been decidedly 'off' with me in our recent communications though so something is up.

I have decided that I am not going to say anything as it would appear too defensive. What I would like advice on though is how do I respond if she does eventually accuse me of drinking when I actually haven't?

I don't want to get into an argument or start making loads of denials to the point where I start to sound guilty, but........????? Any advice would be gratefully received.

All the best,

D

instant

It is great you have been able to make and maintain changes despite difficult circumstances. You have to build trust and unfortunately that's the way it is, and not surprisingly that takes time. Tell her you had the flu but I think making a song and dance if she has her doubts it would be a big mistake.

We should not expect others to forgive according to our timetable.

coraltint

you are in the part of recovery where you just have to prove by your actions, which you have been. it takes time to rebuild trust. you sound like you know it would be a really bad idea to get defensive about an accusation, which it would. keep doing what you're doing and it will eventually be clear that you just don't roll like that any more.

hamabi

Consider sending a self-congratulatory note on your 1/2 year date to her that also expresses appreciation for her taking a stand which helped you recognize your problem. In it complain about all the flu going around in your location and your recent experience with being laid out by it. Compare what you underwent for the time you were effected with how you experienced life often while drinking.

Clears up the possible misunderstanding, postures you as a sober person, and makes her feel good about her decision back then while opening a perception that some aspects of her reasonable choice then have now changed and no longer apply.

Dee74

Hi and welcome

like others have said, it took a while for people to trust me again - fair or not.

I decided to take it on the chin, say nothing - and eventually things turned around and my reputation was rebuilt.

D

sugarbear1

I just know from my experience and from what I've read from others that it takes a long time for others to really trust in us again.