New guy here needed a bit of advice
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Hi Whatsgoingon,
I've read through this thread and I can relate a lot to what you are feeling. Forgive me if I'm wrong but basically you feel like you have dealt with your alcohol issues and want to know if its safe to return to some sort of moderate drinking?
This is the million dollar question that I am sure every single member of the forum has had to ask themselves at one point or another. It is a really difficult question to answer and one that you are going to get very subjective and conflicting advice and opinions on. Lets face facts here, most if the people on this forum have a drink problem and for many even the mere notion of drinking goes against everything they now believe in. Some people on here are in such a delicate place in their own lives they can't even get into such conversations because its just too painful. So it's no suprise you have had a few forthright opinions! Asking people who have alcohol problems if its ok to drink is like asking an atheist if god exists, the answer is likely to be no!
So what you need to know if not going to be easy to find out and its possible the only person who will really know the answer is you. I can only speak for myself because everyone on here is different but for me the question about drinking again often comes into my head. So far I have decided that right now drinking is not for me. I can't predict the future so if I'm totally totally honest I don't know if ill ever drink again. That's quite an admission of guilt on my behalf but hey I'm only human! I want to feel normal and be able to mix and socialise with my friends again and i'd be lying if I said I did not miss having a drink in those situations. Personally I've knocked the drinking on the head because I can't stop with just one or two drinks on a night out. This would then lead to me drinking every night at home and before you know my sneeky drinking would be back. The problem for me is that I like drinking too much! You my friend maybe different and be able to control your drinking but I and no one else on this forum can make that decision for you. You might be alright, there again you could be kidding yourself and heading down a path to destruction.
Where you are right now is a really tough place. Making the next move in your life is critical so please take your time and think it through. Speak to someone maybe? A councillor or your gp? Whatever you do don't just throw your 4 months of being sober away on a whim. We would all like to be normal and not have drinking problem but unfortunatley for some of us alcohol is just so dangerous it's a part of life you just have to let go of.
Good luck, I hope you can get some answers so you can do the right thing for you, whatever that maybe.
I've read through this thread and I can relate a lot to what you are feeling. Forgive me if I'm wrong but basically you feel like you have dealt with your alcohol issues and want to know if its safe to return to some sort of moderate drinking?
This is the million dollar question that I am sure every single member of the forum has had to ask themselves at one point or another. It is a really difficult question to answer and one that you are going to get very subjective and conflicting advice and opinions on. Lets face facts here, most if the people on this forum have a drink problem and for many even the mere notion of drinking goes against everything they now believe in. Some people on here are in such a delicate place in their own lives they can't even get into such conversations because its just too painful. So it's no suprise you have had a few forthright opinions! Asking people who have alcohol problems if its ok to drink is like asking an atheist if god exists, the answer is likely to be no!
So what you need to know if not going to be easy to find out and its possible the only person who will really know the answer is you. I can only speak for myself because everyone on here is different but for me the question about drinking again often comes into my head. So far I have decided that right now drinking is not for me. I can't predict the future so if I'm totally totally honest I don't know if ill ever drink again. That's quite an admission of guilt on my behalf but hey I'm only human! I want to feel normal and be able to mix and socialise with my friends again and i'd be lying if I said I did not miss having a drink in those situations. Personally I've knocked the drinking on the head because I can't stop with just one or two drinks on a night out. This would then lead to me drinking every night at home and before you know my sneeky drinking would be back. The problem for me is that I like drinking too much! You my friend maybe different and be able to control your drinking but I and no one else on this forum can make that decision for you. You might be alright, there again you could be kidding yourself and heading down a path to destruction.
Where you are right now is a really tough place. Making the next move in your life is critical so please take your time and think it through. Speak to someone maybe? A councillor or your gp? Whatever you do don't just throw your 4 months of being sober away on a whim. We would all like to be normal and not have drinking problem but unfortunatley for some of us alcohol is just so dangerous it's a part of life you just have to let go of.
Good luck, I hope you can get some answers so you can do the right thing for you, whatever that maybe.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Cardiff
Posts: 144
Originally Posted by sneeker 
Hi Whatsgoingon,
I've read through this thread and I can relate a lot to what you are feeling. Forgive me if I'm wrong but basically you feel like you have dealt with your alcohol issues and want to know if its safe to return to some sort of moderate drinking?
This is the million dollar question that I am sure every single member of the forum has had to ask themselves at one point or another. It is a really difficult question to answer and one that you are going to get very subjective and conflicting advice and opinions on. Lets face facts here, most if the people on this forum have a drink problem and for many even the mere notion of drinking goes against everything they now believe in. Some people on here are in such a delicate place in their own lives they can't even get into such conversations because its just too painful. So it's no suprise you have had a few forthright opinions! Asking people who have alcohol problems if its ok to drink is like asking an atheist if god exists, the answer is likely to be no!
So what you need to know if not going to be easy to find out and its possible the only person who will really know the answer is you. I can only speak for myself because everyone on here is different but for me the question about drinking again often comes into my head. So far I have decided that right now drinking is not for me. I can't predict the future so if I'm totally totally honest I don't know if ill ever drink again. That's quite an admission of guilt on my behalf but hey I'm only human! I want to feel normal and be able to mix and socialise with my friends again and i'd be lying if I said I did not miss having a drink in those situations. Personally I've knocked the drinking on the head because I can't stop with just one or two drinks on a night out. This would then lead to me drinking every night at home and before you know my sneeky drinking would be back. The problem for me is that I like drinking too much! You my friend maybe different and be able to control your drinking but I and no one else on this forum can make that decision for you. You might be alright, there again you could be kidding yourself and heading down a path to destruction.
Where you are right now is a really tough place. Making the next move in your life is critical so please take your time and think it through. Speak to someone maybe? A councillor or your gp? Whatever you do don't just throw your 4 months of being sober away on a whim. We would all like to be normal and not have drinking problem but unfortunatley for some of us alcohol is just so dangerous it's a part of life you just have to let go of.
Good luck, I hope you can get some answers so you can do the right thing for you, whatever that maybe.
I've read through this thread and I can relate a lot to what you are feeling. Forgive me if I'm wrong but basically you feel like you have dealt with your alcohol issues and want to know if its safe to return to some sort of moderate drinking?
This is the million dollar question that I am sure every single member of the forum has had to ask themselves at one point or another. It is a really difficult question to answer and one that you are going to get very subjective and conflicting advice and opinions on. Lets face facts here, most if the people on this forum have a drink problem and for many even the mere notion of drinking goes against everything they now believe in. Some people on here are in such a delicate place in their own lives they can't even get into such conversations because its just too painful. So it's no suprise you have had a few forthright opinions! Asking people who have alcohol problems if its ok to drink is like asking an atheist if god exists, the answer is likely to be no!
So what you need to know if not going to be easy to find out and its possible the only person who will really know the answer is you. I can only speak for myself because everyone on here is different but for me the question about drinking again often comes into my head. So far I have decided that right now drinking is not for me. I can't predict the future so if I'm totally totally honest I don't know if ill ever drink again. That's quite an admission of guilt on my behalf but hey I'm only human! I want to feel normal and be able to mix and socialise with my friends again and i'd be lying if I said I did not miss having a drink in those situations. Personally I've knocked the drinking on the head because I can't stop with just one or two drinks on a night out. This would then lead to me drinking every night at home and before you know my sneeky drinking would be back. The problem for me is that I like drinking too much! You my friend maybe different and be able to control your drinking but I and no one else on this forum can make that decision for you. You might be alright, there again you could be kidding yourself and heading down a path to destruction.
Where you are right now is a really tough place. Making the next move in your life is critical so please take your time and think it through. Speak to someone maybe? A councillor or your gp? Whatever you do don't just throw your 4 months of being sober away on a whim. We would all like to be normal and not have drinking problem but unfortunatley for some of us alcohol is just so dangerous it's a part of life you just have to let go of.
Good luck, I hope you can get some answers so you can do the right thing for you, whatever that maybe.
Thanks for your reply. A lot of what you say is spot on. Its sometimes difficult to put in words what you are trying to say, especially on forums.
The question I have been asking is basically am I an alcoholic? Whenever I read the pages on this forum there is always someone new asking the same question, maybe not directly, sometimes its in a more so in a round about way. It is, as you say, the 'million dollar' question! The problem is it's a really hard question to ask and equally a very hard question to answer.
I gave up alcohol because I was drinking too much. It was a difficult stressful time and I went off the rails a bit. So I take on board what people have said in this thread that I probably have a disposition to alcohol and I have the potential to become an alcoholic. That said, doesn't everyone have the potential to become an alcoholic? Just like anyone in their life, no matter how strong, could suffer a mental illness?
Since I was a teenager I considered myself to be a relatively normal drinker. Well at least that's what I think, I may of course be completely naive and my drinking may never have been normal?! Like most young British males I have spent my twenties and early thirties having a few quiet drinks in the week and then over indulging on the weekends. When I was young free and single it would be quite normal to go out and get totally wrecked on a Friday or Saturday night. I would put this down to just growing up and is mirrored up and down the UK. When I met my now wife the weekend p'ss ups were replaced by more refined meals out with wine and beer. Now I'm a family man, we don't often get out because of child care so most of the drinking would take place at home.
These days or when I was drinking I would probably have drank every other night. Sometimes this would consist of say 1 or 2 beers and maybe 2 glasses of wine (is that a lot?). Sometimes I might go a whole week without having anything, I could take it or leave it. When I decided to give up it went from every other night to nearly every night. It got to the point where I would be coming home from work wanting it. The latter period probably lasted about a month or two. Even when I was drinking every night it was still just the same amount of alcohol. I never used to drink til I passed out and I rarely got really drunk. I used to drink just enough to take the stress away.
I gave up drinking after a weekend away with my wife. The week leading up to the night away I had been at my peak of drinking. In the past a night away with the wife was an excuse to have a drink, let my hair down and it was something I really looked forward to. When this night came along I was so tired because I'd spent the lead up to it drinking I just felt rough and was not that bothered about going at all. My wife was pretty much oblivious to my previous weeks heavy drinking and she was looking forward to a posh meal and wines to match each course, michelin star style. When we arrived at the hotel I was still hungover from the previous night and did not really feel like drinking. Anyway, I did drink that night. The following morning I remember looking at myself in the mirror of the hotel bathroom. My eyes were lifeless and my face tired and drawn. I thought there and then enough is enough, this is getting out of hand. The following day I stopped. Actually that's a lie, it was the following Wednesday that I stopped. I drank on the Tuesday night as I was feeling down and I think that was the straw that broke the camels back. I have not drank since. I have to admit that I feel much better for it but that is also due to me taking action over lots of negative sides to my life. My whole life has a refurb! I go to the gym now, I read books, go walking and lots of other things just to keep my stress levels at a manageable level. Through my lifestyle changes I think I have dealt with the issues I had at the time, which mainly business related. My biggest problem is letting stuff get on top of me. I procrastinate a lot and then never actually get anything done. I'm slowly learning to get more organised and actually asking people for help which is a big step for me.
So fast forward to today. I feel I have overcome my demons but I'm a little scared. I'll be honest here and this is quite hard to say, especially on a forum like this, I am considering drinking again. I haven't decided as yet if I will and I have no intention of rushing into anything. I'm taking my time and thinking things through. Thing is, right now I feel like I want to get some of my life back? Are these thoughts normal? I have to admit though, I am scared I'm making a mistake, I guess I would not be posting on this forum otherwise.
Has anyone else felt like this? What did you do? Has anyone given up drinking and then gone back to it? Has anyone actually managed to become a sensible moderate drinker? Is it even possible? I'm really sorry to ask these questions. I don't wish to be insensitive to people, I just need to know and I don't have anyone else I can ask.
Thanks again to everyone who has contributed to this post, I really really appreciate your advice. This is a great forum and feels a friendly place to ask for help.
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Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: SE and then South some more
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Originally Posted by Coldfusion
Step 1:
I get it: What I’ve been doing is self-destructive. I need to change.
Step 2:
I see the big picture: The way to stop relapsing into self-destructive behaviors is to build a healthier sense of self.
Step 3:
I have an action plan: From now on, I am squarely facing everything that is in the way of feeling really satisfied with my life.
Step 4:
I honestly look at the effects of my actions on others and myself.
Step 5:
I take responsibility for my actions.
Step 6:
I see that my knee-jerk reactions have to do with being in the grip of more or less conscious fears.
Step 7:
I strive to find my motivation in a deeper sense of who I really am, rather than fear and defensiveness.
Step 8:
I stop blaming and feeling blamed, with a willingness to heal the wounds.
Step 9:
I swallow my pride, and sincerely apologize to people I've hurt, except when this would be counterproductive.
Step 10:
I live mindfully, paying attention to the motives and effects of my actions.
Step 11:
I stay in touch with a broader sense of who I really am, and a deeper sense of what I really want.
Step 12:
A growing sense of wholeness and contentment motivates me to keep at it, and to share this process with others who are struggling.
The Proactive Twelve Steps (printable)
Nice, thanks for sharing those.
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And ditto to sneeker's post, they had a lot of great points of interest. It seems like you've "abused" alcohol, but an alcoholic?? I'm not sure of from reading your original post... which is why I say, I think sneeker has some great thoughts. You'll figure it out. I'm a big advocate of going to therapy, even at least once, I bet they could help you with this. Good luck. 
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The questions you posed about returning to a moderate level of drinking might find more responses on the website that addresses help with moderating intake. Most of the people on this forum have not been successful with moderation. I for one have no interest whatsoever in having a 5 oz glass of wine, which is the limit on "moderate" or safe intake for women. I want much more than that if I am going to drink because I am looking for an effect, not the social sip to accompany interesting conversation and fine dining. You asked if everyone was not at risk for developing alcohol dependence. In my opinion everyone is capable of developing a physical dependence on alcohol if they ingest excessively and habitually.
What do you think you are missing from life these last months of no drinking that could be improved with a beer or a glass of wine or a couple of ounces of spirits? Moderation means very little alcohol. I think sometimes people use the word moderation to mean not blacking out, not getting drunk, not behaving in regrettable ways, not having a hangover, not drinking every day, etc, in other words all the ways we minimize the actual quantity we ingest.
Best to you.
What do you think you are missing from life these last months of no drinking that could be improved with a beer or a glass of wine or a couple of ounces of spirits? Moderation means very little alcohol. I think sometimes people use the word moderation to mean not blacking out, not getting drunk, not behaving in regrettable ways, not having a hangover, not drinking every day, etc, in other words all the ways we minimize the actual quantity we ingest.
Best to you.
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Originally Posted by Auvers
What do you think you are missing from life these last months of no drinking that could be improved with a beer or a glass of wine or a couple of ounces of spirits? Moderation means very little alcohol. I think sometimes people use the word moderation to mean not blacking out, not getting drunk, not behaving in regrettable ways, not having a hangover, not drinking every day, etc, in other words all the ways we minimize the actual quantity we ingest.
Best to you.
In a few weeks time is my wife's birthday. I have booked us a nice hotel and I have got my parents to look after the kids. All I want to do is have a nice meal with my wife and maybe just maybe have a glass of wine with her. I still don't know if I'm going to do it and the night is beginning to play on my mind. My thoughts are consumed with whether I am doing the right thing or not? Should I just stay sober and be done with it or should I have that drink.
As you have had said this is probably not the forum to be asking about moderation, so I apologise for that. Thing is I don't know what I am anymore. I thought I had a drink problem or at least I thought I was abusing drink. Its quite possible that my problem is not alcohol. Its quite likely that my problem is more mental health related. I suffer with stress, anxiety and depression. That said I can still function and my mood swings are manageable. I lead a normal life, run a business and have a happy family life. I am inclined to let things get on top of me and I have to make a concious effort to be as positive as I can at all times.
Right now I think I'm just going to keep reading this board and really question myself. I'm not going to make any rash decision that I might regret. Its possible I could be kidding myself and have a real problem afterall, who knows? For me its important to ask these questions and try and understand what makes me because I do feel a little lost right now.
Sobriety is Traditional
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Orcas Island, Washington
Posts: 9,066
Okay, for those of you who have read this four times--this is the last time I'm posting it. It is special because I have bad coordination and type slowly. It takes me a long time to type this stuff. So, my wife typed this quote for me.
Thus, this is not only a lesson in half efforts, it's also a lesson in getting total support in sobriety from your wife:
Being Present
While we were working we used to have meetings once a week. I used to tell them about work. I'd say, you have to have your mind on what you're doing at all times until you finish a job or you will get hurt. Carelessness is what hurts people. makes accidents. As long as you're working at something that is real dangerous any time you go think about something else you sure will get hurt. You can move any heavy object like house or ware house or fish wheel, but you got to have your mind on it. - Goodwin Semaken, Sr., Eskimo/ Indian Elder
Yukon Territory, Alaska
Attention, presence, and noticing are all a part of living in the present. How often we try to do things with half a mind or half a heart! How often we believe that only a piece of us should suffice. We attempt to have intimate relationships in form only, and not in presence.
When we are not present to our situation, we set ourselves up to be injured, whether physically, emotionally, socially, or spiritually. Spiritual injury is progressive. It may not show as much as physical injury, and it is cumulative.
** My lack of presence is an insult to those I love. Including myself. **
Anne Wilson Schaef, Native Wisdom for White Minds, Ballantine: 1995.
Thus, this is not only a lesson in half efforts, it's also a lesson in getting total support in sobriety from your wife:
Being Present
While we were working we used to have meetings once a week. I used to tell them about work. I'd say, you have to have your mind on what you're doing at all times until you finish a job or you will get hurt. Carelessness is what hurts people. makes accidents. As long as you're working at something that is real dangerous any time you go think about something else you sure will get hurt. You can move any heavy object like house or ware house or fish wheel, but you got to have your mind on it. - Goodwin Semaken, Sr., Eskimo/ Indian Elder
Yukon Territory, Alaska
Attention, presence, and noticing are all a part of living in the present. How often we try to do things with half a mind or half a heart! How often we believe that only a piece of us should suffice. We attempt to have intimate relationships in form only, and not in presence.
When we are not present to our situation, we set ourselves up to be injured, whether physically, emotionally, socially, or spiritually. Spiritual injury is progressive. It may not show as much as physical injury, and it is cumulative.
** My lack of presence is an insult to those I love. Including myself. **
Anne Wilson Schaef, Native Wisdom for White Minds, Ballantine: 1995.
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Location: Cardiff
Posts: 144
Originally Posted by Coldfusion
Okay, for those of you who have read this four times--this is the last time I'm posting it. It is special because I have bad coordination and type slowly. It takes me a long time to type this stuff. So, my wife typed this quote for me.
Thus, this is not only a lesson in half efforts, it's also a lesson in getting total support in sobriety from your wife:
Being Present
While we were working we used to have meetings once a week. I used to tell them about work. I'd say, you have to have your mind on what you're doing at all times until you finish a job or you will get hurt. Carelessness is what hurts people. makes accidents. As long as you're working at something that is real dangerous any time you go think about something else you sure will get hurt. You can move any heavy object like house or ware house or fish wheel, but you got to have your mind on it. - Goodwin Semaken, Sr., Eskimo/ Indian Elder
Yukon Territory, Alaska
Attention, presence, and noticing are all a part of living in the present. How often we try to do things with half a mind or half a heart! How often we believe that only a piece of us should suffice. We attempt to have intimate relationships in form only, and not in presence.
When we are not present to our situation, we set ourselves up to be injured, whether physically, emotionally, socially, or spiritually. Spiritual injury is progressive. It may not show as much as physical injury, and it is cumulative.
** My lack of presence is an insult to those I love. Including myself. **
Anne Wilson Schaef, Native Wisdom for White Minds, Ballantine: 1995.
Thus, this is not only a lesson in half efforts, it's also a lesson in getting total support in sobriety from your wife:
Being Present
While we were working we used to have meetings once a week. I used to tell them about work. I'd say, you have to have your mind on what you're doing at all times until you finish a job or you will get hurt. Carelessness is what hurts people. makes accidents. As long as you're working at something that is real dangerous any time you go think about something else you sure will get hurt. You can move any heavy object like house or ware house or fish wheel, but you got to have your mind on it. - Goodwin Semaken, Sr., Eskimo/ Indian Elder
Yukon Territory, Alaska
Attention, presence, and noticing are all a part of living in the present. How often we try to do things with half a mind or half a heart! How often we believe that only a piece of us should suffice. We attempt to have intimate relationships in form only, and not in presence.
When we are not present to our situation, we set ourselves up to be injured, whether physically, emotionally, socially, or spiritually. Spiritual injury is progressive. It may not show as much as physical injury, and it is cumulative.
** My lack of presence is an insult to those I love. Including myself. **
Anne Wilson Schaef, Native Wisdom for White Minds, Ballantine: 1995.
Thanks
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