my husband took my cards this morning
 

Yeah, it's gotten that bad again. I'm stuck in the rut. I know what to do, i just don't know what's keeping me from doing it. What am i afraid of? Is reaching out the final step in admitting just how badly i've screwed up? Like if i try to do this on my own it's any less of a failure? I know that's not true. Geeze, he cried all over me this morning. I feel horrible about everything and of course that makes me want to drink. I feel like a horrible human being.

GRITS, what happened? Do you know what you're afraid of?

Sometimes I think that for some of us it needs to just get bad enough, not that I want to see that happen to you.

I want you to get in your good place, stay there and not feel like you're struggling.

I did this getting sober thing over five years ago, and everything that I have learned, I have had to reapply again this time around, and it's working. 1 week and 1 day, and you know what? I could barely do three days before.

You're only a failure if you quit trying. ;) and :ghug3

You're not a horrible person. You're a sick person trying to get better not a bad person trying to be good. Just admit defeat. And then once you've done that you can start dealing with it. I wish you the best of luck. I don't know if you are spiritual in any way but tonight I'll slip your username into a prayer.

Love,

Natom.

x

You are one of my favorites here. I can relate to not liking yourself. Even being afraid of success. If I stop drinking what will have to complain about? How will I still be broken? I am used to being broken.

But in fact... You... Me... We are not broken.

Get back at what you know keeps you sober. Adjust what doesn't.

My best to you.

K

((((Grits)))). What happened? You were doing so well! What changed?

Love from Lenina

Grits ,
You have a lot of experience to share and your cairing nature and good heartedness comes through in all your posts to us drunks wherever we are or were in our drinking career .

I'm not sure what listens if i pray but i will certainly send one out for you , i feel sure you can and will get it together .

Bestwishes, M

I am sorry you are suffering. It is hard to see a way out of it sometimes. The way out lies within you and you will find it. It is easiest hardest thing to do .

I'm not a scientist but I know that when two equal forces act on the same object in opposite directions the net force is zero. Nothing happens.

That's why I was paralysed for such a long time with my addiction. I was fighting myself.

I let go - I stopped fighting. I broke the impasse.

I accepted what I was and I got help.

Let go and do what you know you should do DG :)

Is there anything you can do that you weren't doing before which you can add to help DG? Have you been to a meeting since you relapsed? xxx

i haven't been to a meeting but i know i gotta get to one. it's the nail in my relapse coffin and i sure would like to put this damn thing in the ground. Kev thought he was more clever than me but what he didn't realize was that my mom sent us a check for $150 so i put $130 of it in the bank, cashed the other $20, spent $10 on booze and the other $10 on lunch. i think a lot of that we me being angry about my cards being taken. i want them back! i have to go grocery shopping!!! i mean, we got dinner tonight because i cooked a ton last night and the night before. i guess we can go out to dinner tomorrow night if he wants but i WILL NOT eat out two nights in a row. i want to effing cook. anyways, i know i'm not going to deal with this issue just because he's taken my cards away. i have to get over this fear and self hate. i started cutting. i bit myself the night before and i wacked myself in the head the night before that. there's a lot of hate in me for me right now. i'm really, really, really angry and i'm acting like it's all cool...maybe i'm manic. that's really possible right now. i realized that when i was at a doctor's appointment today. i ran her over in conversation several times. i think i'm manic. i'm doping myself up with booze and TV to try to deal with it. every time i get engaged with someone i get crazy. i don't know why. i'm running off right now. i can't stop. i need this to end. thank goodness i have an appointment with my psych next week. i just gotta be sober for it and it's not looking too good right now, folks.

DG I think you really need to see the Dr, if not the pdoc, and get back to meetings - what does it matter if you eat out 2 nights in a row...really?

things like cooking shouldn't really figure in the top ten right right now.

D

GRITS, I'm so glad you have an appt. with your Dr. next week. Is this a therapist that you're having an hour long session with? Not just an MD whose going to write you script, right?

From your post above, I can hear a lot of stuff in there where you have a lot going on inside your head that you need to get out. I hope you'll keep moving forward, and keep posting.

I am seeing my primary doctor tomorrow and asking him to put me back on anti-depressants and on Monday my first session with a therapist.

:ghug3

you know what's really wild? i can turn this **** off if i have to put on a face! i had to protect myself at the OBG-YN today. they took my BP and pulse. i was at something like 88/55 and 67 bpm. i can talk myself into being cool because i gotta. i gotta be cool i can't lose this face so i can move into a zen mode. they took my blood and they're worried i'm anemic. probably doesn't help that i didn't eat that day or the night before. i don't know what the eff is wrong with me. but now i'm in manic panic. my husband's out and i'm scared. i'm hyper, i'm scared, i'm TOTALLY FREAKING RIGHT NOW! i don't know what to do...i don't want to eat. if i eat, i'll purge it. i don't care tonight. i may not eat at all. i just don't have it in me. i really don't know what do do right now. i want to cut my ankle and drink and go outside and smoke.

DG, I can sure feel your pain and I'm glad you have an appointment with your dr soon. I can really relate to the self-hate thing. I would do more passive things like not using my seat-belt, not getting regular medical care, driving on icey roads - all things that showed me how much I hated myself. I hope you can start to believe that you are a good person with a disease and you can get better. Many of us have.

DG, I am so sorry you are in pain. We are here for you.

Please be kind to yourself.

PS The last time I drank, my husband took the credit cards too. It SUCKS. But if we are sober, they will give them back.

He's done it not to punish you but because he loves you and does not want to see you spiral down any further. And thats a good thing!

If he did not care he would not do it.

Can you try to not be alone when your husband is away?
Keep close to family and friends.
Maybe just say you feel a bit under the weather and could do with some company?

Keep going DG, don't give up xx

DG, I have been where you are. Do you really hate yourself or your alcoholism? Now that I'm sober, I can see that a lot of my negative feelings came from deep shame about being a drunk. I did similiar things when I was drinking (well, more so when someone or something got in the way of my drinking). I made up a name for it-alcohol induced psychosis. Totally made up name but it fit. To me, you sound like you're about to fall off the edge of a cliff, so to speak and it sounds like you need some help now. Please know that even though I don't know you, I can really relate to what you're going through. You are not alone.

DG,

I am sorry you are having such a tough time. Read through the responses, you have so many people who care about you on this site. Your husband is using the tough love thing right now because he does love you.

If you keeo feeling these thoughts and want to cut yourself see if you can get into the doctor sooner, or go to the ER. Sending you virtual hugs. :ring

Grits! You helped me so much in the beginning, if there is anything I can do let me know!!

He's trying to save your life. But he's not going to succeed with you tripping him up at every interval.

Do you have children?