60 days sober, 30 years old, 0 self esteem...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: San Diego
Posts: 611
60 days sober, 30 years old, 0 self esteem...
I'm just wondering if anyone else in early sobriety has very low self esteem and what can be done to help us learn to at least like ourselves? Loving myself seems too lofty a goal since right now my opinion of me is that I'm rather worthless. I was told that in order to gain self-esteem, one must do esteemable things and I do. I am kind to others, helpful, generous. Usually I will go out of my way to do something for someone. I'm certainly selfish at times but the obsession with my every whim and inclination is weakening.
Still I carry this overwhelming sense of not being good. Yesterday it got very bad and I thought of being dead over and over... Not a conscious desire with a plan really just can't shake the idea that there's no reason for me to be alive. I also feel like now that I'm pregnant and on unenployment I'm going to turn into some kind of welfare case and be a huge burden to society. Of course I'm registered to go back to college and am looking for a good job so I'll be able to provide for myself and my family properly but I'm so overwhelmed by the thought of full time school, work, baby, boyfriend, sobriety... Which again makes me feel stupid because people do it all the time.
Bottom line is that I hate myself lately, even in sobriety, and I want to fix this before I am a mom and end up passing it on to my child. I don't even know if it's possible though as I've always felt this way, even as a very little kid, I come from some abuse and it's just the way it was.
Sorry to be pitiful and sad but if I don't open up here or in a meeting (which I never share at meetings I just can't do it yet) ill probably relapse over this. It's so uncomfortable being stuck with me all the time.
Still I carry this overwhelming sense of not being good. Yesterday it got very bad and I thought of being dead over and over... Not a conscious desire with a plan really just can't shake the idea that there's no reason for me to be alive. I also feel like now that I'm pregnant and on unenployment I'm going to turn into some kind of welfare case and be a huge burden to society. Of course I'm registered to go back to college and am looking for a good job so I'll be able to provide for myself and my family properly but I'm so overwhelmed by the thought of full time school, work, baby, boyfriend, sobriety... Which again makes me feel stupid because people do it all the time.
Bottom line is that I hate myself lately, even in sobriety, and I want to fix this before I am a mom and end up passing it on to my child. I don't even know if it's possible though as I've always felt this way, even as a very little kid, I come from some abuse and it's just the way it was.
Sorry to be pitiful and sad but if I don't open up here or in a meeting (which I never share at meetings I just can't do it yet) ill probably relapse over this. It's so uncomfortable being stuck with me all the time.
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
The 12 steps of AA has a solution to a life free from the past and the future. A life of serenity and peace. My Alcoholism is but a symptom of the pain of me being me. Thank God I have been shown a way out.
05/07/2011
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Pensacola, FL
Posts: 96
I was much the same early on and am going to be 30 in March. All I can say is that from my experience, the 12 steps of Narcotics Anonymous (AA has same steps) have changed my life and helped me get to a place where I can look in the mirror and be proud of what I have become.
It has worked for me and many, many more people in front of me. I suggest you give them a try.
It has worked for me and many, many more people in front of me. I suggest you give them a try.
05/07/2011
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Pensacola, FL
Posts: 96
I will add that a major component to my recovery has been frequent exercise. I didnt do anything for the first 6 months of being clean but wish I had because now I do it 4-5 times a week and I truly feel great. I know quite a few other people that would agree that exercise will help you physically and mentally. You dont have to join a gym or anything, just be active a few times a week. You will feel good about yourself after each workout.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,460
You're not being pitiful at all. You have a lot going on in your life and you're working through it.
I loathed myself by the time I stopped drinking. I really hated myself and I couldn't see anything good about myself. Of course, I had turned away friends and family so was pretty much alone. What worked for me was slowly but surely making choices to like and love myself. Start with something simple that you like about yourself and write about it in a gratitude journal. Accept that you are a beautiful, yet imperfect, human being and you will be a wonderful, yet imperfect, mother. Be very proud that you have decided to go back to school to plan a good life for you and your baby-to-be.
I loathed myself by the time I stopped drinking. I really hated myself and I couldn't see anything good about myself. Of course, I had turned away friends and family so was pretty much alone. What worked for me was slowly but surely making choices to like and love myself. Start with something simple that you like about yourself and write about it in a gratitude journal. Accept that you are a beautiful, yet imperfect, human being and you will be a wonderful, yet imperfect, mother. Be very proud that you have decided to go back to school to plan a good life for you and your baby-to-be.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Central New Jersey, USA
Posts: 1,345
You must be patient with yourself. I think self esteem takes time to build. Continue being kind, helpful and generous and let yourself recognize it when you are being knd, helpful and generous. Tell yourself you are worht something when you do something worthwhile. When being kind to others also be kind to yourself.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,347
I hated myself for many years - I was VERY, impossibly, hard on myself - decades of drinking and drugging didn't help that.
What did help was a little time, a little counselling and a lot of living sober.
It didn't happen over night but I found when I faced life and I got through the crises and I helped others out, and they helped me, my old self hating ideas didn't fit anymore.
I had to accept I was a pretty good guy....not in an arrogant way...there's always room for improvement....but just in the sense I was a decent human being doing the best I could.
Like Anna says, accept that you are a beautiful, yet imperfect, human being - and your child will adore you - you're Mom
congrats on 60 days - give yourself a beak and a little more time to find out who sober you really is BJ
(on second thought's a beak's not much use - give yourself a break instead
)
D
What did help was a little time, a little counselling and a lot of living sober.
It didn't happen over night but I found when I faced life and I got through the crises and I helped others out, and they helped me, my old self hating ideas didn't fit anymore.
I had to accept I was a pretty good guy....not in an arrogant way...there's always room for improvement....but just in the sense I was a decent human being doing the best I could.
Like Anna says, accept that you are a beautiful, yet imperfect, human being - and your child will adore you - you're Mom
congrats on 60 days - give yourself a beak and a little more time to find out who sober you really is BJ
(on second thought's a beak's not much use - give yourself a break instead
)D
Last edited by Dee74; 01-15-2013 at 02:38 PM.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: fort wayne, IN.
Posts: 1,085
Anna makes a good point about gratitude. I have got into the habit of going to the gratitude forum every morning / evening. It is good for me. I read what others are thankful for and I always think of something that I am grateful for. There are so many things about our lives that have improved since we stopped abusing substances. The gratitude list helps me stop and think. I would not notice them ordinarily.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
I can relate...... it wasn't until I got sober that I realized how negative my thinking was (especially toward myself). It got 10 times worse when I was drinking.
It takes some time (and practice) to change, but you can do it. It's really our judgement and resistance to our own thoughts/feelings that create pain and depression. If you can look at what you're feeling/thinking in a non-judgemental way, you can begin to stand back from them a bit and see that they come and go (think of clouds in the sky) and you don't necessarily have to act on them or let them run your life. (Look up mindfulness for info/help doing this).
I think it's about seeing that you're bigger than your thoughts and much more than your past. For me, it was also about just being patient with myself and finding some compassion for what I was going through. I hope you feel better soon - we're here for ya......:ghug3
It takes some time (and practice) to change, but you can do it. It's really our judgement and resistance to our own thoughts/feelings that create pain and depression. If you can look at what you're feeling/thinking in a non-judgemental way, you can begin to stand back from them a bit and see that they come and go (think of clouds in the sky) and you don't necessarily have to act on them or let them run your life. (Look up mindfulness for info/help doing this).
I think it's about seeing that you're bigger than your thoughts and much more than your past. For me, it was also about just being patient with myself and finding some compassion for what I was going through. I hope you feel better soon - we're here for ya......:ghug3
Re-Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Colorado Springs, Colorado
Posts: 7,583
Congrats on the 60 days!:ghug3
Yes we all felt we were slugs at one time or another from becoming an alcoholic, especially some mornings after. I was a happy child and did not drink heavy until the end of a long successful career. My mother was a single mother, and it wasn't until I was grown and had my own kids that I realized how very hard it must have been. Before she died she did tell me that she was not going to let me be less than I could be, and she didn't. She never could give me things that cost money after we were abandoned by my dad, never to be heard from again, but I did have a bicycle, a poor project roof over my head, and a crazy loving mother who taught me the most important thing I learned in my life. She taught me love by giving it to me regardless. We sang and drew and I read before school at 4, we did all the things wealthy kids wish their parents who are too busy, would do with them. And she let me go when the time came. She was divorced and a single mother with two children, in the 50's when divorce was shameful, single mothers fallen women.
You see, I lucked out, she was the best single and lonely mother any child could have. I am smiling now through the glassy eyes on this old war vet. Yes you need to quit while the baby is inside and for the life of your child, if you are the child's only role model. But all you have to do is decide you are going to be the best mother single or not that you can be. he made a lot of mistakes, but no mother could do better.
Your first priority is the child, and if you would, there is no more noble, or sometimes frustrating endeavor. You know the problem is already apparent with your comments about a drag on society. It is time you stopped believing in that fairy tale. Just do the best you can, you will see, things can turn out if you work very hard at your outcomes.
First and foremost stay with AA and when thinking about your child, start thinking good dreams or you will surely live out your bad dreams. Here is a good place to start with the stories of other single moms who made it.
Success Stories of Single Mothers
Single Mother Success Stories
Yes we all felt we were slugs at one time or another from becoming an alcoholic, especially some mornings after. I was a happy child and did not drink heavy until the end of a long successful career. My mother was a single mother, and it wasn't until I was grown and had my own kids that I realized how very hard it must have been. Before she died she did tell me that she was not going to let me be less than I could be, and she didn't. She never could give me things that cost money after we were abandoned by my dad, never to be heard from again, but I did have a bicycle, a poor project roof over my head, and a crazy loving mother who taught me the most important thing I learned in my life. She taught me love by giving it to me regardless. We sang and drew and I read before school at 4, we did all the things wealthy kids wish their parents who are too busy, would do with them. And she let me go when the time came. She was divorced and a single mother with two children, in the 50's when divorce was shameful, single mothers fallen women.
You see, I lucked out, she was the best single and lonely mother any child could have. I am smiling now through the glassy eyes on this old war vet. Yes you need to quit while the baby is inside and for the life of your child, if you are the child's only role model. But all you have to do is decide you are going to be the best mother single or not that you can be. he made a lot of mistakes, but no mother could do better.
Your first priority is the child, and if you would, there is no more noble, or sometimes frustrating endeavor. You know the problem is already apparent with your comments about a drag on society. It is time you stopped believing in that fairy tale. Just do the best you can, you will see, things can turn out if you work very hard at your outcomes.
First and foremost stay with AA and when thinking about your child, start thinking good dreams or you will surely live out your bad dreams. Here is a good place to start with the stories of other single moms who made it.
Success Stories of Single Mothers
Single Mother Success Stories
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: ON
Posts: 766
yes, you are not alone.
if you are going to AA great.i went t o AA for along time before i took the next step. But i also sat in those chairs half drunk most of the time.
i needed someone to be accountable too. my sponsor was that person. I could lie to family and friends but not to her. she called me out.
UNTIL i took the next step. The steps.
And if you dont feel different dont be afraid to change your sponsor, they should be making you work.
if you are going to AA great.i went t o AA for along time before i took the next step. But i also sat in those chairs half drunk most of the time.
i needed someone to be accountable too. my sponsor was that person. I could lie to family and friends but not to her. she called me out.
UNTIL i took the next step. The steps.
And if you dont feel different dont be afraid to change your sponsor, they should be making you work.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: San Diego
Posts: 611
Working on prenatal care but right now I have no insurance. That's why I said I'm afraid of becomming a welfare case. It's really hard to find employers out here who provide ANY health coverage. I haven't had it in 8 years and I've been working most of that time. Now that I'm pregnant I qualify for Medical but with that comes all this stigma it's basically state insurance and it's pretty sub-par. Of course I will do what I have to though.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Canada. About as far south as you can get
Posts: 4,768
Keep going to AA and working the Steps.
My self-esteem began to return the day after I would normally have given up hope.
And it keeps getting better as time goes on.
All the best.
Bob R
My self-esteem began to return the day after I would normally have given up hope.
And it keeps getting better as time goes on.
All the best.
Bob R
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: San Diego
Posts: 611
Wow itchy... Tears as I read that. What a beautiful story of your amazing mother. What a lady; I only hope my son or daughter will talk about me like that someday! And everyone... Gratitude is key. On my way to hike right now too haha. Thank you so much. That's all I can say. I keep getting my ass totally saved here... I love SR. You guys are awesome.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 14,902
Working the AA program is good. You also might want to consider some counseling. Just because you quit drinking doesn't mean everything is perfect (and perhaps it was underlying self esteem issues or something that paved the way for alcohol abuse, because you were trying to feel better).
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
