Dad Funeral Update
 

Finally received the funeral arrangements from my fathers's wife yesterday, and thankfully he is being buried with his parents where he grew up. But the resentment has released.

She has communicated very little, but did come through with the arrangements. I did not want to create a situation, but in a return email to the arrangements I mentioned that even though she doesn't understand, I gave everything to my Dad I felt I could. Her response was direct, I know she's angry and hurting, so I expected it.

She basically told me that my brother and our families were not welcome. We should have seen him more when he needed us. He was dead, it was a closed casket and that this was for her and her son and friends. I would go if it meant something to me, but it doesn't. I was going out of respect and she said if this was the case, don't bother. We have no living relatives left in the area, so I will know no one at these events.

I can respect that. She was with him for 25 years and he was in declining health for alot of it. We were going up to the wake tonight (3 hours away), I drove to work because it is closer and we were having managers in, so I went. I walked in after reading the email, broken down and left, went straight to my Mom's. After talking with her and my sister-in-law for a while, I made the decision, with my brother's agreement that we would not go tonight. I made my peace with him years ago, even though I don't think he ever believed it. I did not want to take my family in that negative atmosphere.

My brother wants to go to the graveside service tomorrow and I don't. I've done alot of things in my life I did not want to do, but I almost physically can't take myself into this toxic environment. Even if I don't talk to her, it will still be bad.

I am not bending to her wishes out of fear, I know where he will be buried, I intend to take my family up in a month or so and visit. My brother wants no part of it. He wants to go say his goodbye and never go back. I want to support him, but don't think I can. I know he will give me an out, his wife and older kids will go with him, but I feel weak. (Just talked to him, he's totally fine with me not going).

I have to decide what's best for me. How can a upper 40's adult feel like a ten year old?

The thought of drinking fluttered into my mind for a few seconds on the drive home and just drifted away, the AV knocking on the door to see if he could get a response. There was no response. I would rather drink a half can of soda with cigerette butts in it then bend to my previous distruction personal behaviour. Now THAT would be selfish.

I love you Dad, I hope your free and at peace.

Toss

I'm sorry for your loss.

My Dad passed away one week ago and the emotional roller-coaster I've been on is unbelieveable. :(

God bless you, Toss. What a difficult situation. Congratulations on standing firm on staying stopped.

Anna so sorry to hear of your loss, as well. May you find peace and comfort in the memories you all shared together. God bless.

I'm sorry for your loss Anna, it is tough. My father was the most unstable, bad decision making person I ever knew, but I loved him.

Toss

Toss -

I like your plan of taking your family to the gravesite later when you can be there without having to deal with the drama.

I'm really sorry your dad's wife treated you this way. I find it appalling, but you seem to be handling it with a level head and a lot of grace.:c011: Just wanted to tell you that.

Wow...my father is losing his battle with many chronic illnesses as I type this. It is uncanny how I always find I'm not alone when I come to SR.

Toss and Anna - I'm very sorry for both of your losses. I know first hand how this all feels...especially your story Toss minus a few specific details. My fathers wife of 25 years has been wonderful in caring for him and we have a nice relationship so at least when he passes it will be a non-confrontational atmosphere.

Thank you for sharing - I needed to read that tonight. I'm learning this is what is known to some as a "shot" from our Higher Power. I'm starting to really believe that as I gain more and more sobriety.

May peace and love surround you both during these difficult times :)

Thank you. Even though I'm in a good place dealing with it, I'm still working out my feelings. One of the first things I thought when I had a few breakdowns was "I'm experiencing these emotions because I need to", numbing myself or drinking myself stupid isn't going to change anything.

I brought a few photo albums home from my Mom's today and enjoyed looking at them. Bad memories emerge but the better one's push them out.

Toss

Toss and Anna, I'm so sorry to hear about both of your dads. Losing a parent under any circumstances is a really hard and emotional thing to go through. Please know we're all thinking of you! Sending prayers for strength to cope.

Toss, I think your plan sounds like a good one. You made an effort when your dad was alive, and it doesn't sound like being there with people you don't know would be helpful to anyone. Visiting the grave at a more private time in the future with your own family is a nice way to honor your father and keep your own sanity. It sounds like your brother understands.

Why don't you and your siblings hold your own memorial gathering in honoring your father?

I believe your dad is now watching over you, but this is my belief and experience with those who have passed on.

My deepest condolences to you and your family.

With love & hugs,

I'm glad my story helped, thank you for letting me know. It does amaze me that I can find one thread a night that sounds familiar and reminds me of the journey I am on.

I would have liked the end to be smoother, but she supported him and cared for him like a partner should. He died by his own hand, so that has esculated the situation.

Unfortunately, there was alot of history about how he left when I was 12, commited to thinks he did not follow though on, and left a wake of ruined feeling that have passed, but are still present.

My brother was my sorragate father growing up, so we are really tight. He knows I would go if he asked, but he's good where I am at, he respects that feeling, as I do his.

Our relationship was toxic, but not in a "in your face" way. We came to a silent understanding that was pleasant. I think the last few years he wanted more, but hard to do alot other than phone calls and pictures from the grandkids to fill the void when he moved eight hours away.

Toss & Anna, I sorry that you both lost your Dad's. It doesnt matter how our Fathers were their death brings heartache and memorie both good and bad. My Dad passed 10 years ago this month, I hadnt seen him since i was 13 (im 51 now) he had only got in touch with me the year before because he had heard my sister had died. I really had nothing to say to him but when i got the called he had died it did take me back alittle. I did have a step Dad that died 17 years ago yesterday, now that was my Dad I miss him very much. Sorry I didnt mean to ramble.

Toss, I'm sorry for the loss of your father, but I'm glad you're doing what's best for you. I have a lot of different feelings about dealing with death, and I think every situation is different. I'm also sorry for the estrangement, I know that's got to be tough at this time. :(

Toss, I think your plan sounds like a good one. I think losing a parent is difficult in matter how old we are. My dad will be gone three years in March. I was 39 and felt like a little girl when I heard the news. He was sick for a while, and many of the illnesses were brought on by years of heavy drinking and smoking.

I went back East for the funeral, but living 3000 miles away I do not get to visit often. We planted a tree in our backyard in his honor. It is a place where I can remember him and say my goodbyes. Each of us need to grieve in our own way. I am thinking about you and your brother.

Anna, I am so sorry about your dad as well, I didn't know that he passed away. You are also in my prayers.