juniperskye

I don't know what to say. I have everything I ever wanted the first time around. A husband who LOVES me, a comfortable home, an adorable yorkie dog, two jobs where i am significant. Friends who love me, few but they are there. and here i am, drunk. my Nana is in hospice and i drank over it, with no defenses. She doesn't know. My Hb doesn't know, no one knows that i have relapsed but me and GOD. I have replaced all the alcohol from the last 3 days but not replaced my confidence. anayone ever find themselves here??

Sober Love
Meem

BruceJ

I drank again after about 10 years sober...and stayed drinking for about 5 years....darn near lost everything......a little over 5 months sober this time.

Of course, I have asked myself what happened. Well, I simply stopped doing those things that kept me sober at first....going to meetings, looking for others to help, identifying my shortcomings and working on improving them, trying to improve my relationship with God......you know....all that stuff. So, when the time came around, I had no defense. When we take our recovery for granted, or when we underestimate this disease......these things happen.

All the best.

bbthumper

You said it all IMO, Bruce. Thanks!

Dee74

Hi and welcome juniperskye

I know there's a lot of people here who know exactly how you feel. You'll find a lot of support here

D

Pandora1

I myself was clean for 6 yrs before relapsing in 2010. I had a lot of worried friends and family as they watched me spiral out of control. I ended up in rehab in April of 2011 after a suicide attempt.

If you were in AA before go to a meeting tonight. Let your loved ones know as well. The more we hide it and lie about it the more we are likely to do it again.

LexieCat

I'm sorry about your Nana. It's hard losing someone we love.

But your Nana would want you to have a good life, which you know you can't have if you continue to drink.

I haven't had the experience of a relapse, but those of my friends who have agree with the suggestion Pandora made: get to a meeting, tell people what happened, and get back down to work. Most relapses start way before the triggering event. You need to get to the bottom of what happened. I know many folks who have been fortunate enough to come back from a relapse with their sobriety stronger than ever.

Hugs, glad you are posting.

Pamel

After a lot of sober time I learned the truth of that "first drink". One drink, I said, and it ruined the whole holiday season, to say nothing of today (again). I am so obsessed that it is awful.

You have company, I am sorry to say...

vegibean

Hi Juniper, how about me for one? I had almost five years and relapsed and here I am again. So glad you're here, this is one of the first places I ran back to IMMEDIATELY!!!! I work full time, also a college student, have a son that I share with the most HORRIBLE MAN/FATHER ever, and I just said "F-it!!" and I picked up.

So you're not alone, I haven't drank since Wednesday, so I'm even glad that I didn't even drink over the weekend, I had been indulging in wine every Friday for a while, anyway, here I am picking myself up, and getting back on track.

Keep coming and posting here, you know you're not alone here. :ghug3

TrixMixer

Hi Juniperskye,

So you were sober 7 years and drank the last 3 day's, and have replaced all that you drank, right. So if your intent is to use the 7 year sobriety as a guide to get right back on that sober track, then treat it as a coma you were in for 3 days . now you woke up and your back to 7 years and 1 day.

Problem is you have to not take another drink for this ploy to work. If it does why tell anyone, just SR and you know. A 3 day coma isn't worth getting everyone upset----You replaced the alcohol so just start over and continue with your 7 year sobriety.

When someone we love is dying it takes everything in our being to overlook wanting to numb our sadness. Three years ago I went through that with my beautiful mom, and I was soooooo close, but the reason I stopped was for her, so How could I dishonor her in her dying days by going back on the PROMISE.

We are here for you. Tell us your story and then let it go, and be with your Nanna in her last days, by her side, loving her.

Sincerely,
TrixMixer

juniperskye

I never thought i would be here, I need people there for me, I need sober friends, I was never able to my make very many these past years I need people whoe understand addiction in m life, any new friends would be cherished!

vegibean

Then keep coming back here. Do you see how many posts I have and when I signed up here? Immediately when I came back and confessed that I picked up I saw all my old friends here to support me, it was awesome.

juniperskye

I have been in addiction aft and on since 2000. I went to rehab in 2003, was sober since 10/8/05. I am so lucky, all of the things in the promises came true for me and still I can't hand;e my own emotions. Like feeling down hurts so badly that recentley I had to medicate it. I am very angry at myselfHow do we deal with Pain in sobriety? My sponsor is awesome but i didn't call her and i know she can't help without knowing

Pamel

Well, you have lots of companions, I think. No one who has not relapsed (for any reason) knows what it is like to get back that security and self-esteem. I just spent a demeaning 45 minutes trying to find out where my bf's scotch is hidden.

Obsession is a horrible thing and it takes over-you might as well throw a shroud over me where I can see nothing but that drink. Hate it, hate it, hate it!! I SO wish I had just gotten sober and stayed that way. It is never the same once you have had a drink again.

We do have a small support group forming here; maybe we can help each other.

I am so sorry about your Nana :-(

ChooseSobriety

Hello junipersky :-)

I'm glad that you are asking for advice, that's one thing that I didn't do ;-) I relapsed the first time after 91 days sober.

I wish the best to your nana.

I want to make sure that I understand your statement above, "my nana is in hospice and I drank over it, with no defenses"

What do you mean by "no defenses"? If you could please explain what you meant that would be helpful for me and others I'm sure.

I remember earlier in my sobriety "2nd time" ;-) that I found myself wanting to to drink for just about every reason that I could come up with. However I could not find one that would justify the consequences that would follow.

I can't even begin to understand another's reasoning for choosing to take that first drink but I know why I did. I drank mainly because it stopped the discomfort, emotional pain, anxiety the list is infinite.

I have discovered through being brutally honest with myself that I did not know how to cope with my emotions, anger, hurt.

Everyone on this good ole earth has something or other that they carry around, unsure of what to do with it.

How or if we choose to process these things for lack of a better word is ultimately up to us.

I saw someone mention being honest with your parents, husband, family, etc. I have personally found this to be something I should carve on a stone and duct tape it to my forehead. :-)

I did not know how to be honest. I lied to myself for most of my adult life so for me it was easy to lie to others.

In short I did not know how to handle anything without drinking, telling lies, etc. In my particular circumstance as a child I was not shown how to handle/cope with the day to day occurrences in most people's lives.

I'm rambling ;-) Long story short its not easy to reprogram your thinking even after seven years, twenty years! However for me it was a choice that only I could make.

I have discovered that I am not a victim and that I can't blame others for my choices.

Glad you are here :-)

Love

CS

Received

juniperskye,

I had 13 years (plus a couple/three months) when I chose to drink again and ended up drinking 5 more years.

During my sobriety, there were a myriad of deep personal struggles yet I didn't drink. My granny died, my uncle died, several friends died, my heart dog died, children grew up and moved away, divorce and a huge other problem that I am still dealing with and will be dealing with for several more years. I got through all of those hurdles (and a lot more) without picking up and then, one day, I drank and I was off and running.

Me? I picked up because I wanted to. Period.

Finally, one evening, I had, had enough of my sick self so I googled (I have no idea what I put in the search bar because I was pretty buzzed) and up popped SR. So, I joined and posted and after several hours with the patience of many posters here, I put the bottle down.

I haven't been counting the days but my drinking stopped here, at SR, with these wonderful folks. I am DONE with drinking alcohol. NEVER AGAIN. EVER.

Look around at all the different forums here there is a lot of great advice and different recovery paths.

I'm pleased you, too, found this place.

Hevyn

Hi juniper - We're so glad to have you join us.

Add me to the list. I had 3 yrs. sober, then decided I could have 'a glass of wine now and then'. That led to 7 years of turmoil and chaos. When I came to SR I was desperate to save my life. I now have 5 yrs. sober. You can do it, too. You've learned something - and you'll be even more determined now. Keep talking to us.

vegibean

You know what Juniper? Another thing I'm doing is starting therapy this next upcoming Monday. It's been five years since I've had any therapy and a lot of things have changed in my life so I really need someone to talk to. I literally looked up many therapists, made a lot of phone calls and finally found this woman who sounds great, I can't wait to meet with her.

Anyway, just sharing that with you because if you've been in rehab, like I have, you had a therapist then, and I know for me, that's going to help me too.

soberlicious

Hi Juniper,
My story is similar to so many who posted on this thread. I quit in my early 20's, for 10 years. Started drinking again and did so for 7 years. I was also baker-acted for a suicide attempt and then went to treatment. I haven't had a drink in almost 6 years now. and I can tell you this time I know for sure the answer to the drinking question. I finally learned the answer, and I know it by heart. When that little voice comes up...the answer is no...always and forever.

So, you've learned something haven't you? You've learned the answer to the drinking question. The question need never be revisited again.

I'm so very sorry about your Nana. My grandmother was an extremely important person in my life. I know how badly it hurts. I like what the poster said about honoring a loved one by not drinking. I believe the same.

Trixmixer's post had some good wisdom. You just skinned your knees. It smarts a little, but you can still get back on the bike and keep ridin'. xo

Jeff63

I want to thank you all. After almost two years sober, I had a craving over the weekend that was very powerful. When I feel like that I come here and read posts like this. It gives me the strength to move on and forget about drinking. Maybe next time, this may help you.

Echnique

I have relapsed many times before, and I think it was important for me to be honest about it in order for it to not turn back into a full return to drinking and using. Like the big book says, " but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest."