Fandy

what is more frightening than not being there for your children? You might feel better to speak to your family doctor. most councilling is covered by health insurance (if you have this option). my fees to psych. cost less than a bottle of wine.

you are capable of getting through this, but talking it through with you doctor is the first step. :ghug3

MIRecovery

All of the shame and fear in the world is not going to get you sober. Sorry but the best way to get on your feet is to get off your a$$ and take concrete steps to change your life. Will power while important is seldom enough to keep us sober long term.

For me it took AA but there are multiple other ways. Regardless of the path it takes change. There have been multiple suggestions so the question is are you actually going to follow through on any of them.

LDT

Mammy, you are not a failure. You are having a rough time right now, as we all did. I personally felt like an terrible mother to my 4 children when I was drinking. But I don't any longer. I repaired the damage.

If you do even *one* thing that any of the previous posters have suggested, you will be so much better off.... just one thing....you decide what that one thing will be and go for it with gusto.... baby steps will get you there.

Be well.

Mammyof3boys

I know your right. You can suggest a million things for me to do but it's up to me to do them.

Mammyof3boys

Right now I don't feel motivated to do anything but lay here on the couch and scream at myself in my head. I woke up really really early with my heart beating so fast, asking myself "what did you do?" "Why this again."

MIRecovery

The "why" is easy, "You are an alcoholic and you did what alcoholics do."

Fandy

i don't want to sound discompassionate, but laying on the couch is going to get you nowhere fast.

frankly, if you have 3 young children, i don't know HOW you can lay on the couch?

really, get up and get moving, do something productive like call your doctor for an appt. see if there is a meeting you can go to...play with your 1 year old?

Xune

Then why would you expect anything to change?

Make an appointment with your Doctor and go to the library, sign out a book about getting sober. Maybe even the book I recommended.

Do something / anything that will work you towards sobriety.

Pity parties do not get or keep people sober.

Sapling

You remind me of this part in the Big Book...If you haven't read it...You should.

The fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink. Our so-called will power becomes practically nonexistent. We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink.

The almost certain consequences that follow taking even a glass of beer do not crowd into the mind to deter us. If these thoughts occur, they are hazy and readily supplanted with the old threadbare idea that this time we shall handle ourselves like other people. There is a complete failure of the kind of defense that keeps one from putting his hand on a hot stove.

The alcoholic may say to himself in the most casual way, "It won't burn me this time, so here's how!" Or perhaps he doesn't think at all. How often have some of us begun to drink in this nonchalant way, and after the third or fourth, pounded on the bar and said to ourselves, "For God's sake, how did I ever get started again?" Only to have that thought supplanted by "Well, I'll stop with the sixth drink." Or "What's the use anyhow?"

BB...pg 24

Mammyof3boys

Well my older kids are at school. 1 year old here with me.
I have a lot of reading to do. Looking at meeting locations, my insurance doesn't cover any counseling.

Sapling

I have a lady in my homegroup that brings her baby every day...Let's just say it's well taken care of...A room full of second mothers. Here's the Big Book online...It's free too, Good luck to you...Sending you prayers for courage and willingness.

The text of Alcoholics Anonymous

Pamel

We SO NEED someone to believe in us, and see us through this awful addiction. With that, we need ourselves to believe in ourselves; hard to do unless we have our "herd" (10% of the population).

I think that is we are at this stage of "recovery".

MIRecovery

Reading and looking is not the solution. Making a commitment to going to a meeting is a step forward. You should be able to find a meeting in a matter of minutes

WhoDey

My kids are 13 and 11. There were many times when they were younger when I told myself that I would change. I didn't want them to grow up with the image of Dad always with a drink in his hand. Even so, how many times did I lie in bed and tell myself that tomorrow would be different? That tomorrow would be the day I quit? Sadly, that "tomorrow" was a long time in coming.

Over Christmas holiday I had some alone time and by chance watched the movie "Everything Must Go" with Will Ferrell ... the story of an alcoholic who has lost his job and wife and is trying to find his way out of the mess he's created. Yes, I watched it while drinking bourbon ... but the movie resonated with me. I knew at that moment that I needed to change ... now. That was New Year's Eve and it's been 15 days without alcohol.

There never is a convenient time to quit. Tomorrow ... in all its perfection ... will always seem like a better day to quit than today. If you don't like where you're at right now ... you need to take action. Things only get worse with alcohol.

Mammyof3boys

Yes there is a meeting in my town this evening at 7. My husband can watch the kids. It's a step meeting.
The next town over also has a meeting tonight, it's a beginner meeting. Also at 7.

SavingSelf

I say GO to a meeting. Why not? If it makes you feel more comfortable, you can try a women's only meeting if you want to.

Your children are young. A woman I know in AA (who actually started the first meeting I went to a couple of months ago--a women's meeting) just celebrated her 25 year sober anniversary on Jan 1st. She had two young children when she got sober. They are in their 20s now and doing well. When she spoke about her anniversary, she shared that she was glad they really don't remember their mother as a drinker. She is currently going through some tough things--but she is going through them sober.

Take action and make it happen--put all of the feelings you have this morning to good use.

I will always be an alcoholic, but so far I much prefer being a sober one.

edited to add: Just saw your last post! Good for you.

Sapling

I picked one close to my house...For the simple reason...The price of gas.

Sapling

Take a look at this site today...It's very helpful...I love what they say about fear...It answers a lot of questions about your first meeting...Be sure and tell them you are new...You'll be taken care of.

Your First AA Meeting<

ReadyAtLast

I really hope you get help. I've also got a pre-schooler and it's not possible to properly look after them when drunk or hungover.They deserve better from us. I'm not being harsh but please please get help before it gets worse.It will get worse and you don't want family/childrens services getting involved.

Mammyof3boys

You are right. Little guy is not having a great day with me, which isn't fair.
I don't want anyone from CPS to come here ever, I know what I have to do.