Will69

Hi, I started coming on here about a month ago. Managed 28 days sober, I am pleased about that. I, with the help of people on here, realised that I had a problem. The cyclical drinking thing. Managing it to a degree, but convincing myself that I had no problem. Despite that fact that I obsess about alcohol, cannot socialise without it, blackout and get myself in trouble, feel desperate afterwards. I realised that other people feel like this, that was a help, but those people (on here) had been wise enough to know they had problems.
I have had a first session with a counsellor, it went ok, and I feel that this is the way to go.
Despite the fact that I was not really a daily drinker, I have had cravings, I thought they came to people who had to drink every day, I suppose that in the past I just had them and then satisfied them!
I have always been hard on myself. I am in many ways successful, but I punish and push myself, alot. The things I have done in drink make me feel bad, and I spend a lot of time beating myself with these sticks. It is like my default mode.
Has anybody else had this? I suppose time and an understanding will help. Just thought I would ask.

least

I was overcome with regret when I first stopped drinking. Wishing I hadn't done the things I'd done, wishing I could just erase the past. I too used to beat myself up with regret but over time I came to see how that was only setting myself up for relapse.

It took time to forgive myself and let go of the past but I finally did it. Now I'm content with who I am.

It's pointless to beat yourself up, it only ruins today's sobriety and makes it hard to move forward.

least

Forgot to add: my sessions with a counselor helped me overcome the shame and guilt and regret. My counselor is/was a lifesaver.

hamabi

Great on the 28 days.

I know what you mean about visits from the ghosts of the past. When I was drinking they were generally held at bay but so much came back when my mind began to clear. For me, that intensified through most of the first year until I took some actions to get relief from it.

escapist

My past is painful. I have drank to make it disappear. I read a lot here about how events don't define who we are. That's a huge relief, you know?