Military Addict, 5 days sober
 

Well, where to begin...
I feel different this time. I'm finally exhausted with being deceitful and manipulative, and of being such a despicable narcissist with this complete superiority complex that somehow makes me think I'm the exception to every rule and just *so* much smarter than everyone else. But I didn't manage to outsmart myself in my active addiction. I had to come to a place where I was going to bankrupt my mother, who should be saving for retirement, before I was ready to be ready to be done.

I've stopped before in my active addiction to pain pills, but I am finally ready to quit. I have a great career laid out in front of me. I've come so close to f--king it up, and for what? Fear of withdrawal, really. Familiarity of habits. Numbness.

I have a niece I haven't even met, and she turned one year old today. Yes, part of what has kept (and keeps) me from home is my career in the Military, but the other part is that I don't want to see my family (or let them see me) until I'm sober.
I couldn't bear receiving their admonishment and love until I was worthy of it.

I'm finally ready to make myself worthy.

:welcome to the family! So glad you've decided to live a clean and sober life.:) You'll find lots of support here. :ghug3

Welcome to the group! I hope you find this place as helpful as I have.

First congrats on 5 days!

Being deceitful and manipulative is exhausting and quite frankly takes too much work.

Please don't be so hard on yourself. You deserve your family's love even in the hard times. That is what keeps us going.

Congrats from a widow of a career military man.
A career in the military is not easy, takes a very special person to have that mindset. Good for you.
One day at a time, you will do this.

The thing is that you are worthy, and it should be why you want to get sober. You deserve a better life, and you're correct. Your belief that you were going to outsmart everyone for good would have caught up with you for sure, and don't forget it. You have too much to lose.

My best to you!! :)

From Rugby's other post:

"As long as I recognize, expose, and deny my destructive impulses...
As long as I am brutally honest with myself and others...
As long as I use my academic logic and not my addict logic...
As long as I remind myself every emotion is not a crisis...

... then my addiction is not in charge, I am."

We hope you're back today--this is a great place to learn about different recovery methods. Please check in with us!

Are you in active service right now? What do you plan to do to make yourself "worthy"?

I found lasting sobriety and sanity in the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. The 12 Steps of Narcotics Anonymous would do the same for you.

I wish you the best.

Bob R

Bob,
Yes, I'm in active service. The thing is, I'm actually really good at my job, and when I saw my addiction starting to take a toll on that, and I saw my addiction related lies start to become lies for the sake of lies, I felt like I didn't deserve the uniform I wear. Which, some might say that's being hard on yourself, but when you know friends who've laid down their lives, it certainly doesn't seem that way.
I've begun attending NA meetings, and plan on continuing. This feels impossible to do alone.

Thanks so much to everyone for your kind words. It makes me feel like I'm not alone.

Good to hear from you. We are certainly not alone-we come from all backgrounds and walks of life.

Are you reading the NA book at all? Some say to start at the front, but I learned a lot from randomly reading the personal stories in the back.

Update
 

Just an update. I posted this in January, but didn't commit to a program until August. I'm currently 44 days clean, and working a program like my life depends on it (it does.) The fellowship of NA is what has made it possible for me, seeing and knowing that it can be done and learning from people in the rooms has made the past month and a half of my life the most enriching and fulfilling in a long, long time.

Thanks so much to everyone who responded, reached out and planted a seed of hope.

It's growing.

Keep watering it Rugby x