40 something days in...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Mountain Top, NY
Posts: 3
40 something days in...
Hey,
New to talking, posting about/being involved with sobriety/sober. Im a 27 year old selfish, fatal alcoholic... Ive been drinking heavily for about 11 years, deadly drinking, about 3. My poison is about a handle a day of whatever's 15 bucks.
When I did finally realize I was dying I tried going cold turkey, cause im a badass (sarcasm), and I control it not vice versa(more sarcasm)...Day 4 - ICU, for a week. DTs literally the scariest **** imaginable. Unfathomable, unreal life changing ****. That obviously didn't scare me quite enough. I was clean for a week or 2 before that one Newcastle put me right back at 5 shots to wake up, 2 shots 2 hrs into work, heavy drinking on lunch, up until bed. This went on for about another year until I had a late night, desperate break down and went scared ******** too detox...
Im 42-43 days sober and out right now and things are as to be expected. Im pissed for not being able to stop myself the last time and now mind myself rebuilding my life, again. Exercising, eating well. Sleep is hit and miss. What im really not liking is AA. The cheery, friendly, family environment is not me. I dont want to work the steps and quite honesty wont. 1,4 common knowledge. 2,3 I didnt realize I had to believe in a higher power to achieve sobriety. 9 There's a lot of people who owe me an apology. As you can imagine I dont share @ meetings. Thanks for letting me vent.
New to talking, posting about/being involved with sobriety/sober. Im a 27 year old selfish, fatal alcoholic... Ive been drinking heavily for about 11 years, deadly drinking, about 3. My poison is about a handle a day of whatever's 15 bucks.
When I did finally realize I was dying I tried going cold turkey, cause im a badass (sarcasm), and I control it not vice versa(more sarcasm)...Day 4 - ICU, for a week. DTs literally the scariest **** imaginable. Unfathomable, unreal life changing ****. That obviously didn't scare me quite enough. I was clean for a week or 2 before that one Newcastle put me right back at 5 shots to wake up, 2 shots 2 hrs into work, heavy drinking on lunch, up until bed. This went on for about another year until I had a late night, desperate break down and went scared ******** too detox...
Im 42-43 days sober and out right now and things are as to be expected. Im pissed for not being able to stop myself the last time and now mind myself rebuilding my life, again. Exercising, eating well. Sleep is hit and miss. What im really not liking is AA. The cheery, friendly, family environment is not me. I dont want to work the steps and quite honesty wont. 1,4 common knowledge. 2,3 I didnt realize I had to believe in a higher power to achieve sobriety. 9 There's a lot of people who owe me an apology. As you can imagine I dont share @ meetings. Thanks for letting me vent.
to SR! And congrats on your sober time!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Des Moines IA
Posts: 377
I completely understand your decisions regarding the lengths you've chosen to go to, and your opinions of the actions that others may do not to drink ever again, but which you are never ever going to do because you don't wanna.
That attitude allowed me to drink another 6 years here and there, at which point I reevaluated how well that was working out for me.
Hang in there, as the process of becoming reasonable can be a rough ride. But I don't think I could have done this otherwise, given my way of viewing things.
That attitude allowed me to drink another 6 years here and there, at which point I reevaluated how well that was working out for me.
Hang in there, as the process of becoming reasonable can be a rough ride. But I don't think I could have done this otherwise, given my way of viewing things.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Mountain Top, NY
Posts: 3
Im trying not to overthink it. Day by day. Remembering how lucky I am to be alive, and trying to put stock in normal things other than my next buzz. So far so good. I arranged my living situation to where I cant drink and fortunately I stll have a lot to lose, people that care.
Remembering all the people who are born w diseases they have no chance against is making me fight like its my last chance. I feel it is.
Remembering all the people who are born w diseases they have no chance against is making me fight like its my last chance. I feel it is.
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
Here is my take on it. These days it's hard to not thing "AA" when we think of getting sober, it's an "institution" in society and pretty much is synonymous with getting sober in most people's minds.
Many of us have chosen to continue on our way because we had a gripe with AA, real or imagined.
We can ALL use AA in our recovery...even if we don't sign onto the program, and this is what I mean. In recovery, honesty, getting to know oourselves, coming to grips with our fears, resentments etc are all useful things. Hate AA, the atmosphere, philosophy, steps, etc? Good, use THAT to explore yourself. What about all that gets under your skin?
I'm not being flip, I mean this with the deepest sincerity.
I do use many aspects of 12 step in my recovery. Literature from several of the 12 step programs out there. There is gold in it. Personally, for a list of reasons, AA wasn't for me. But exploring why, helped me find a way that was for me, and helped me see where some of my sore spots and callouses are. All useful stuff for me.
I'm not suggesting you should study AA just so you can find issues with it, just take whatever reactions you are already feeling, and turn them into learning tools. I mean, whenever we lash out against something or run from it, or identify it as something to avoid...there is a reason. If we were neutral to it, it would simply be a non issue.
It's real easy, and very common for people to use the distraction of not wanting to do AA to keep on the path they are on. If you don't want to take the train, then get on the bus, or a taxi, or rent a car, or walk or bike...but don't refuse to go where you want to go just because you're not comfortable on a train.
Whether you do the higher power thing or not, I want to say this, doing a comprehensive "4th step"...that written inventory was a HUGE help for me in my recovery. Patterns and issues became clear that I'd simply never seen before, and this after years of therapy and other self help things. It's not just a list of ways in which I've messed up, a comprehensive 4th step is an honest look at our whole pattern of addressing life.
To be honest though, I found the simplified AA version did nothing for me. I mostly used the NA version and other lists of questions I found online for doing a thorough and fearless inventory. I saw that I was not such a crap as I thought I was, that there are reasons I think and act as I do, and there are areas in my life where change will greatly benefit me.
I may not have wanted to choose a higher power, but wow., my 4th step made it clear there were all sorts of higher powers at work in my life, various paranoias, resentments, vulnerabilities, wounds, and thought and behavior patters that were essentially controlling me against my will. Had I not recognized them, it's unlikely I'd ever get free of them.
Many of us have chosen to continue on our way because we had a gripe with AA, real or imagined.
We can ALL use AA in our recovery...even if we don't sign onto the program, and this is what I mean. In recovery, honesty, getting to know oourselves, coming to grips with our fears, resentments etc are all useful things. Hate AA, the atmosphere, philosophy, steps, etc? Good, use THAT to explore yourself. What about all that gets under your skin?
I'm not being flip, I mean this with the deepest sincerity.
I do use many aspects of 12 step in my recovery. Literature from several of the 12 step programs out there. There is gold in it. Personally, for a list of reasons, AA wasn't for me. But exploring why, helped me find a way that was for me, and helped me see where some of my sore spots and callouses are. All useful stuff for me.
I'm not suggesting you should study AA just so you can find issues with it, just take whatever reactions you are already feeling, and turn them into learning tools. I mean, whenever we lash out against something or run from it, or identify it as something to avoid...there is a reason. If we were neutral to it, it would simply be a non issue.
It's real easy, and very common for people to use the distraction of not wanting to do AA to keep on the path they are on. If you don't want to take the train, then get on the bus, or a taxi, or rent a car, or walk or bike...but don't refuse to go where you want to go just because you're not comfortable on a train.
Whether you do the higher power thing or not, I want to say this, doing a comprehensive "4th step"...that written inventory was a HUGE help for me in my recovery. Patterns and issues became clear that I'd simply never seen before, and this after years of therapy and other self help things. It's not just a list of ways in which I've messed up, a comprehensive 4th step is an honest look at our whole pattern of addressing life.
To be honest though, I found the simplified AA version did nothing for me. I mostly used the NA version and other lists of questions I found online for doing a thorough and fearless inventory. I saw that I was not such a crap as I thought I was, that there are reasons I think and act as I do, and there are areas in my life where change will greatly benefit me.
I may not have wanted to choose a higher power, but wow., my 4th step made it clear there were all sorts of higher powers at work in my life, various paranoias, resentments, vulnerabilities, wounds, and thought and behavior patters that were essentially controlling me against my will. Had I not recognized them, it's unlikely I'd ever get free of them.
Not The Way way, Just the way
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: US
Posts: 1,413
NowNever, Your name suggests to me you may want to check out AVRT in the Secular Connections forum here. AVRT stands for Addictive Voice Recognition Technique. It's a stand alone self-recovery method.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 442
NowNever (and anyone else). Most may know of Roger Ebert, the movie critic. He was an alcoholic who went to AA and he says this about the religion aspect:
"The important thing is not how you define a Higher Power. The important thing is that you don't consider yourself to be your own Higher Power, because your own best thinking found your bottom for you. One sweet lady said her higher power was a radiator in the Mustard Seed, "because when I see it, I know I'm sober.""
anyway, I don't know if anyone has ever posted his blog about AA he wrote in 2009 but here is a link that goes through what he went through when going to AA. Hope it's ok to post the link:
My Name is Roger, and I'm an alcoholic - Roger Ebert's Journal
"The important thing is not how you define a Higher Power. The important thing is that you don't consider yourself to be your own Higher Power, because your own best thinking found your bottom for you. One sweet lady said her higher power was a radiator in the Mustard Seed, "because when I see it, I know I'm sober.""
anyway, I don't know if anyone has ever posted his blog about AA he wrote in 2009 but here is a link that goes through what he went through when going to AA. Hope it's ok to post the link:
My Name is Roger, and I'm an alcoholic - Roger Ebert's Journal
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