Commited2Change

So i kno they say you shudnt date while you are in recovery but how do you feel the void of that kind of loniness.. I clearly know i shudnt date because it will throw my focus off... I mean i work 2 jobs.. Have voice lessons and a pretty busy schedule... I am working on living myself to be a better partner when it does happen.. But lets be honest.. It aint easy!!

N e advice ?!? Lol *straches eye with one eyebrow raised*

Squizz

I've always heard not to get into any new relationships for a year. That's probably a good idea.

Dating in my 1st year hasn't worked out well for me. One of the many things old-timers told me which I didn't listen to.

HereIAm321

I wouldn't date, because then you run the risk of placing your validation on another external source -- this time, another person instead of alcohol.

I'd stay single and learn to fall in love with yourself.

I know it's lonely.

quitforme79

My sponser told me to not even THINK of dating until I pass the 9th step (in AA). I am on such a rollercoaster right now at month 2...I can't stand myself at times so I can't imagine putting someone thru that lol I know it gets lonely though. I am so grateful for my friends in the program and for my cat who keeps me company while home. Netflix keeps me occupied too...I fall asleep with it every night hehe

CuteNGayYay

ive been single already for 3 years (guess im too picky haha) but i know what u mean.. meh

Dee74

I always say I wouldn't have wanted to inflict myself on anyone the way I was in early recovery.

I was hot mess from my years of alcoholism and I was a hot mess on top of that with the up and downs of early recovery.

I was terrified of being lonely too - I rarely if ever had been alone with myself, and sober in my adult life.

But I'm glad I took time out and spent time with myself...the work I put in made me way more comfortable with who I was, and that made me a way better person to be around and a way better partner down the line too.

If you're going to date - think about a plan for how you'll cope if it all goes bad

'I dunno' or 'I'll figure it out if it happens'...or 'awww but man s/he's hot' really doesn't cut it...

D

Commited2Change

I def understand that all ... Cause while i was dating and heavy in my addiction it never seemed to work out cause now that i think about it that wasnt me.. I never truly was present and i kind of was always just uncomfortable being me. So i need to date me for while. #oprah aha moment just now lol..looks like me and the tredmil gonna be going on a couple of dates and spending more time together *sighs*

CuteNGayYay

LOL at Oprah moment with a hash tag! o my

LadyinBC

Try to focus on you. When we are afraid of being lonely or "think" we need to have a partner, we make bad choices in the men/women we pick. At least I sure did. I use to just settle when I was lonely.

At the end of the day I have my own baggage to work on and I don't need the extra baggage that a relationship brings. I won't focus totally on myself. And I think in early recovery we need to be selfish in that.

CraigA

My sponsor told me that early in recovery we dont date we take hostages! Until we work through some of the steps (esp. 4-5) we would not present our true selves!

BlueEyedBoy

I am going to be controversial, and I have no significant experience in being sober, but I a in a relationship in my first year of being sober. However it is a truly beautiful relationship with someone who understands my needs, and also my need to place recovery first. It is hard sometimes, but for me it has been possible. I think the only reason it has though is I got into it with the attitude 'if this detracts from me being sober it goes, no matter how much I love them' and they knew it! Over time we have fallen in love, and it has added another layer to my life in recovery.

However, I have to work closely with my sponsor and Higher Power to maintain and safeguard my Sobriety against ANYTHING- including my partner. And I have to be aware I am sober, one day at a time with God's will, for myself and me alone. He cannot fix me and I can't do it for him. I do it for me.

I think a massive part of this depends on your self-awareness....in early recovery I knew I wanted hugs, kisses. Sex, attention, etc. to fill the void alcohol left. So I avoided dating. Once I felt more aware of my needs and just so happened to bump into an amazing guy, things fell into place.

It is a minefield....but praying and the input of a good sponsor really helped me!!

Commited2Change

Well i think thats the key.. Finally being sober i have to get to know me again and want i want.. Because im used to the drunken me dating and we don't wanna get into that.. I think i .. Well i have decided that i will focus on being a better man so wen my higher power decideds im Ready... A great guy will come along... But i do agree.. Its a case by case situation..

CuteNGayYay

I believe U should wait a little until your ready.. but when a person is ready really depends on the person I guess. I know I wasn't as good a boyfriend with my most recent ex cuz of alcohol. The issue wasn't there with my others and everything was ALOT better.

Natom

You feel the 'void of loneliness' with recovery. I am on 8 months and I date. I am just very mindful about it.

Natom.

Natom

fill not feel*

BabyJane

I dated after six months and looking back I think it was too soon because I did end up getting scared of abandonment, attachment, honesty, etc. and relapsing. Then again, this man turned out to be my soul mate and we are going to be married soon and just found out we actually have a (total surprise) baby on the way! So now I'm back into sobriety and I've got to focus on my recovery AND work AND school AND my guy AND my future child. That's a lot on my plate and it's way harder this way than a year ago when I was sober and totally single. I don't regret what happened; I fell in love and it just wasn't something I could ignore, but I wasn't looking for it and I would say be mindful of our tendency to seek validation and attention, focus on this for now, trust the universe, and eventually the right person will come into your life at a proper time! keep up the good work!

Quinne

I'm going to be "controversial" too. I started dating someone a month ago at the 6-month mark. This is the only suggestion my sponsor has passed onto me-which after very careful consideration-I have not taken. I am extremely mindful of how this is travelling and am acutely aware of my emotions. I don't want to fill a void, I don't *need* him either. I accept myself and work very hard on my recovery. I haven't worked through step 4, but that's not to say I'm unaware of at least some of my character defects. What's different is that I've noticed I don't pine or long for him, but I do get butterflies just before I see him I haven't been bending my program around him either-no need to.

He knows I'm in AA and takes a bit of interest, which I think is really awesome. I'm sharing my life with this person, not filling it! We have agreed not to rush anything, too. The one thing that would be sensible to do is let him know exactly how important my recovery is. Nothing has changed within my program since being with him. Not to mention that 3 of the people I'm closest to in the program will lovingly-albeit sternly-whallop me if that happens and I don't twig first

I really enjoy his company and from what I know, have seen and heard from him thus far is that he's pretty stable and probably blissfully unaware of how much he's teaching me. Mindfulness, being a bit more gentle with myself and more tolerance than I thought was possible of myself.

If I have to let go, so be it. That doesn't make him a cardboard cut-out I can throw away. I do care for him quite a lot! It's not just staying sober one day at a time-It's everything else too.

Xx

Threshold

I read this thread and feel like I must come from another planet.

personally, I don't know how one gets into a relationship, and stays mindful enough to..what? Oops, I'm getting too attached, sorry, backing off now. Wait, I think I like you too much, or want to move in with you, or...sorry, I'm sober now, no can do. I can't like you too much yet, maybe when my anniversary comes I can open the dam.

I admire and am astonished that people can do that, it is NOT a trait I posses. When I "click" with someone, no amount of stern talking with myself can truly keep my feelings in check, I can lie to myself, and pretend that if I don't go through the motions, it means that I am in control and not roller coastering inside, but yeah, I'm roller coastering inside.

I can say, I can choose to not complicate things further, entangle myself further in a material/physical sense and that is an important thing, but I have to be honest with ME about my emotions. And I cannot date a person and somehow temper my feelings. No matter how much I promise myself I would stay alert and all it off if I started to feel unstable, I can't see myself truly saying to someone I've become attached to and care for and they to me..."yeah, sorry, gonna check out now." That is going to be next to impossible in practice for me, and darn disrespectful to someone who got involved with me in good faith.

Placing a sign on my head that reads "in recovery, only semi available, date at your own risk..." doesn't really keep me from being accountable that I got another person's emotions involved in my mess.

I learned all this about myself because I have gotten into relationships, and I told myself the "I'm gonna take it slow" thing. And my nature is not about slow and steady. And like always, I learned I need to protect myself from myself more than I need to protect myself from others.

I have NO advice for others on what they should or shouldn't do as far as dating goes. I have no clue what other people's issues are. Loneliness terrifies me. I'm smack in the middle of it, and I feel like I am disappearing.

It amazes me when people say they are going to not get into a relationship till they are ready, or have kids till they are ready. Till they have all their ducks in a row and feel independent and confident and in love with themselves and capable of saying they could live alone comfortably for the rest of their lives. Dang! I'm pretty sure I will never reach that point, yet somehow I managed a 25 yr marriage and to raise three kids to adulthood.

Like I said, I come from another planet.

Joe Nerv

Staying away from any emotionial involvement is an excellent suggestion. And one of the very few (if not only suggestion) I wasn't able to take when I got sober.

I was on weekend leave from my rehab, still living with my parents and brother, and was home alone on saturday night. My doorbell rang, and a very beautiful young woman was standing there. Yes, this is a true story. I answered the door and she asked if Richie, my brother, was home. I said no. She said, OK, turned around, and then collapsed crying. We went out for the next 2 years.

She was a friend of my brothers, and was more of wreck at the time than I was. Father was an alcoholic. She didn't really drink, and I was blinded by that, and her beauty. I can't even begin to tell you the emotional roller coaster that night set me upon. So many people would tell me I had to let her go though or I was going to drink, that I became more determined to do everything else I could do right. And I think the not wanting to prove everybody right strengthened my resolve to a certain degree. But it wasn't fun. I'm embarrassed to even think now of some of things I tolerated, but I had no tools to deal with that kind of stuff at the time.

I hear a lot of people say we're told not to get emotionally involved with anyone, but that doesn't mean we can't have sex. LOL. Unless that sex was with myself alone, I was headed for trouble. And so would be most people. Sex is also a pretty powerful thing to go to, that be very much like switching seats on the titanic when we put down a drink. We are superb canditates for sex addictions, if we don't already have them to begin with. And sex addiction can get just as ugly as alcohol addiction.

Staying away is a wonderful suggestion, if you can do it.

sugarbear1

Been there, done that, drank again.

I'm good with being with me for a while longer.