andisa

You've offered me so much. This is the worst it's been. I can't think straight. Apparently I've allowed addict-brain too much time (decades) to grow. Now seriously threatening its existence it's fighting back with everything it's got. Earlier today I gave up the fight, it won. But the other side doesn't want to give up either. This is ridiculous. I'm brighter than this. I know my options but am afraid if I continue to threaten it it will fight back harder.
Those of you who have offered direction are surely tired of hearing from me. I'm just here writing because I'm too scared to move. Maybe I should commit myself before I do something really stupid. Paralyzed by fear, of my own mind.

YEM

At some point you have to surrender to the fact that you need help and do whatever you can to get that help. You seriously have to hit the reset button on your life and get the help you need and start over. This stuff is life or death and addiction does not play around. All of the little sayings like "Anything you put before your recovery, you lose" etc...are truly spot on. Most of us cannot do this on our own and have networks of people to help us.

This website is great but in times of true desperation, real life help is a necessity.

Also, things get MUCH better with honest work. This to shall pass.

Dee74

I definitely agree you should do something - are you open to the idea of recovery groups? counselling?

even seeing your doctor might be a start - anything to break the impasse in a positive way, rather than a negative one like drinking...

D

andisa

YEM, you quote from the Dead. There is light, though right now the only one I have access to is here, so here I am. Real life help is within reach, I know, it's the reaching out I have seriously difficultly doing. At this moment the best I can do is keep breathing. I do feel desperate.

andisa

Dee, open to anything...until I actually have to do it. I don't have a doctor, and it's drugs, not alcohol, but that's just a detail. The good people in NA are there and open, and therapy is an option, but none of it matters unless I'm willing. As soon as I step forward to do something the other side fights back, so aggressively now as I have been attempting to do something. When I did nothing, it just sat there passively, waiting. Such is why I'm so scared now.

amandy

Andisa, do you WANT to stop? I consider myself a weak person. Which is why I turn to alcohol. It gives me a strength about myself (at least I think so when I'm drunk) until I realize how all it did was make me even weaker because the bottom line is, I'm burying my insecurities in a bottle. I'm too weak to live my own life, I let booze run it for me, and I'm done with that. I'm taking control of my own life. I suggest the same to you.

2granddaughters

I know exactly how you feel. It is so good to take my diseased brain to an AA meeting and have it treated.

I had to surrender to AA, I could no longer go on the way I was. You don't have to either.

Please Google and read AA's "How It Works". I can't copy/paste nor link to it.

All the best.

Bob R

YEM

The courage is in you to walk thru the doors you already know are there. Seriously do it now before it's too late. No one can give you willingness but yourself.

If left untreated, "The ends are always the same- Jails, institutions and death." Go live you life free from addiction. If you can do it, you most certainly can too.

Dee74

Sorry I must have conflated you with someone else. I'm sorry

I spent years doing nothing, watching like a rabbit on the tracks as the oncoming train got closer and closer.

I moved, but just in time - it winged me.

We always seem to be able to make the effort to get drunk or high - I really think recovery requires that same kind of commitment.

If you can't move on your own at least think about throwing your hand up and asking for help.

The tiniest ripples can have great effects

D

andisa

I recently read, out loud at a meeting, "How It Works." It all makes perfect sense. This morning I read a bit from the NA handbook before starting work and found it inspiring, had a very good, forward-thinking morning. Or so I thought. Before going out today I threw the book away. Too tired to fight anymore. I think I'm willing, and strong, only to find out I'm not. I got run over by the train. See what goes on here? I take a step forward and end up two steps back.

Dee74

We can give you all the advice in the world, but it's you who has to do something with it.

Often I thought I had to make myself suffer a little more and slip down lower to remember what I was fighting for.

Utter BS of course.
My addiction loved that kind of thinking.

The truth is I can change things, anytime - I *can* stop playing on the tracks any time I like.

Sometimes the effort is monumental, sure, but it's never impossible

I hope you decide to jump out of the way of the train Andisa

D

2granddaughters

What are you fighting??

Do you have a sponsor? What does she/he say?

All the best.

Bob R

SIPD

So many people here care....please keep reading....please keep posting....I for one do not feel as though anyone here will tire of hearing from you....this is where we come for help...for comfort, that we can and will get through this....

HereIAm321

Andisa, how dare those drugs whisper friendship to you!

I dunno which drug(s) you're referring to, but when the urge arises, can you try going to sleep instead? Running in place? Put on music and BELT OUT those tunes? Walk the dog?

ANYTHING to keep that beast at bay?

The harder you fight that beast, the harder it will fight back. But if you keep fighting it, it will eventually shrivel up and die.

Sapling

Andisa...AA/NA are action programs...No action...No results. I just got back from a meeting and there were three people I'd never seen there...A lady and a gentleman that both got sober in 1975..they didn't know eachother...And another guy that just got his 21 year coin...It was like going to a clinic listening to these people...Amazing...But the guy that got sober in 75 said...He was told...If he wanted what they had...He only had to do what they did....He wanted what they had....So did I. I'm still fairly new with a year and a half....But I don't obsess about alcohol anymore...I can live with some peace. Do you want what they have?

IWillWin

Andisa - we all understand the internal battle. We are all fighting the same war but in different bodies. There is no judgement here just understanding and hope.

Keep coming back and keep fighting for your life. If you don't fight it, chances are it will eventually get what it wants. To kill you.

Sorry for the bluntness but this is serious stuff and you are so close to finding peace...wanting help and understanding what your are dealing with is half the battle. You seem to have both.

We are here for you and I wish you strength and serenity. It really is worth it.

sugarbear1

Stop the battle and surrender.

You can stay stopped! There is hope.

LadyinBC

What Sugarbear said. You are so worth saving and you deserve to have a peaceful, content life. There is no peace in an active addiction.

andisa

Hey. Glad to be here today. The drugs aren't whispering, they're screaming. But I'm screaming back. It's noisy in here. No peace. But there is action, at least mentally, which is, I suppose, an improvement over avoidance. I suppose.

Ironically, what I'm fighting for is the desire for peace in my life. My closest relationships have not been healthy, not what I want. I live a secret life because I can't be real, myself, around these people. I allow them to control me. Externally. But I protect myself internally, where they can't touch me.

The battle continues today. I could go in so many directions, west to work, north to drugs, out to call to set up an appointment with a therapist for help, south to a meeting, home to tend to things there. I stopped here to think through my next move.

At present, I have no sponsor, no professional help, none of my friends nor family know what's going on. All I've physically done is attend a few long distance meetings and write here. I want to live the life I want to live, not this life-in-hiding I currently live. Thanks for listening, caring.

Sapling

South to a meeting and sharing there you need a sponsor...Doesn't sound like a direction that could cause you much harm.