HereIAm321

Therapy was pretty good. Snotted everywhere. Told her how I can't get behind a higher power of AA. She thinks I'm drinking because I feel very powerless over my life (moms death, being raped, dating turds, etc), and that alcohol makes me *feel* like i have power, but it's a false friend. That I rely on it because its tangible and it's my friend, and since Im atheist, I refuse to put power into a deity. But that it's time to say goodbye to that "friend." And that it doesn't seem that im ready to yet because I don't consider my own self to be a reliable friend BECAUSE I relapse...and it's a huge Vicious cycle. Blah blah blah, lots of other stuff.

That maybe I should do an outpatient program but id need to find one that's really suited to me, because I'm smarter than most people and would be "running the show." I feel powerless and then drink, but don't trust myself. Can't trust anything higher than me cuz I'm an atheist. Can't give my struggle up to a higher power and then get caught in a loop of not trusting myself. Etc etc. "you're a tough one..." she says as she wrings her hands and thinks. Also said maybe I should try adding a mood stabilizer to my meds. Seeing her again next week.

"What did you take away from this today?"
Me: "that I'm not a horrible person, maybe?" "Exactly honey. And you will get better. You can do this."

Xune

Lots of Atheists are in AA and the HP does not have to be a God.

I'm not in AA...just sayin'.

Threshold

I am glad you have such an encouraging therapist, who listens and help you "hear" some things.

I have no clue if AA is the right program for you, but as xune shared, lots of atheists find recovery in the program.

whether or not you choose that program, open mindedness and willingness to consider new options to address life are pretty much essential to recovery. You have to discover YOUR truth, and you don't have to know what that is now. You don't have to set it in stone, allow for growth and changing perspectives. Sounds like you've drawn a lot of lines in the sand even before you've begun.

If we set too many things in stone it's hard to make the changes and insights that help us grow and recover.

You may be tremendously smart, but the people in rehab probably have some good things to share when it comes to recovery. The idea of rehab it to make good use of the resources, not to try to outsmart them.

Just a few things to consider. I am not AA, nor do I believe in a higher personal being. The Universe is more powerful than me, and there are things in the Universe that help me recover.

sugarbear1

all you really need is a willingness to work through the steps with a knowledgeable person who has worked the steps, whether or not you find a power greater than you is unknown.

It's in the seeking.

Coldfusion

I am an atheist, on mood stabilizers, workin' the AA steps. I started out with a week of inpatient treatment, and learned that I was just as stupid as the bum in the gutter.

Itchy

So what do you want to do? It might be time to stop getting ready and start getting to it?

Delilah1

Sounds like you have a very supportive therapist, and open communication between the two of you. It also sounds like you have had many traumatic events in your life, and used alcohol as an escape.

I think many of us have done the same, I know I have. However, none of the issues went away, and my anxiety was worse than before having that first drink (followed by several others).

My feelings toward alcohol have changed in the past three months and I don't miss it anymore.

Dee74

I spent years looking for the right programme too HereIam...nothing wrong with that as such...I just kept drinking while I was doing it.

I was terrifically smart too, but I fatally confused introspection and rumination with action for a lot of years.

Stop drinking and find support. That's really all we need to do right off the bat - anything else might be overthinking it a tad?

D

SeekSobriety

I thought I was smart till I realized, if I was smart I probably would not be destroying my life with drugs and alchohol.

I think for me, AA requires me to beleieve that I am not in control of everything on this earth. There are powers out of my control, there is a power which controls the sun, a power which causes my heart to beat, call it whatever you like, science, energy, bottom line is that it is not "me". I can only control my individual actions, i can choose to drink or stay sober but i have to come to terms that my way is not working and that If i want to say sober and take back my life from drugs and alchohol that i need to surrender to that "power" greater then myself, it can be the sun, the moon, the wind , nature the universe or whatever.

coraltint

I had a great counselor in rehab who got me over the HP impasse by asking me, " Can you at least concede that YOU don't control the universe? " I could, and just that little opening of the door allowed AA to work for me.

LatteLady

A great many people are very, very intelligent, but have no "horse sense".

Joe Nerv

You're trusting your meds and alcohol.

I don't believe in "God". As most would define it. I know that a microscopic seed however can create a perfect living creature, and that there is definitely some source of power in the universe that is way more intelligient, and powerful than me. I always felt that if I could somehow connect with that power, that my life would be different than the wreck it was while I was drinking. AA helped me kick that door open. I think the bottom line was that I needed to get out of my own way, and acknowledging a power greater and more intelligient than myself made that possible. Prayer was the only way at first that I had to be in contact with that energy, and as ridiculous as the idea of it sometimes seemed or seems, I was open enough to give it a go. And it worked.

IME, the people who think they're the smartest have the toughest time getting sober. Things change quickly for those who are literally brought to their knees. But it doesn't ever have to get to that point.