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Old 01-08-2013, 10:21 AM   #1 (permalink)
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I need to stop before going off the rails...


I drink every day now, except for the days I tell myself that I'm quitting. My daily drinking started over a year ago.

I tried to quit three days ago but woke up with a hangover today.

My alcohol induced actions nearly lost the girl of my dreams. Thankfully we made it through but, odds are, if I don't stop drinking something else will happen.

I lie about how much I drink. I deceive. I am a master rationalizer. It is likely that I will lie on this site, even though it offers complete anonymity.

I drink more than I plan to, if I ever even have a plan.

Since I don't have withdrawal symptoms, I convince myself that my drinking is not that big of a deal.

My father was a lifelong alcoholic. He died of liver cancer last year at 57. I am 25.

I romanticize drinking as part of a writer's life, often associating it with my dream of being an author. Another excuse to drink.

I want to quit but I fear that I cannot, or, that I need to hit some kind of 'rock bottom' before my problem becomes real to me.

So, this is where I'm at in my life. I've browsed this forum before. Lot of good people here. I know what I need to do, I think. I don't even know why I posted this or what I'm looking for. Maybe to join a community? Maybe for advice? Shoulders to cry on? Any help/advice is greatly appreciated.

Thank you.
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Old 01-08-2013, 10:30 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Much of the time I live in the unreality that I really do not have a problem. I am too proud to admit I am alcoholic and need to do something about it. I am too proud to tell others and ask for help. I started drinking again three months ago after two years sober. That is what this disease does to you when you do not remember and do not take action. There are those who can help: AA, Celebrate Recovery and other recovery groups. Counseling can help. Reach out for help. You have exhibited the courage to do so by coming here, so keep reaching out and you can get the help you need.

My father also died from drinking, liver failure at age 69. There is something genetic about the misprocessing of alcohol which is a disease and we cannot drink unless we want to die.

I am back in the saddle at day 2 and know I can do this this time around. You can too!
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Old 01-08-2013, 10:32 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Sounds to me like you already know that your problem is real and I would encourage you to do whatever you need to do to stop drinking before you hit rock bottom. If you can avoid jail, injury, losing jobs, realtionships, and so many more bad things by recognizing your problem and addressing it now you are well ahead of the game. Welcome to SR

BTW - you may want to post in the Newcomers section also.
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Old 01-08-2013, 10:40 AM   #4 (permalink)
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I could have posted that word for word. So, at least you found a mate! I am trying to make it thru the day and then go to a meeting in the morning.

pulling for you
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Old 01-08-2013, 10:46 AM   #5 (permalink)
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You never have to have another drink again if you don't want to. There is no need to have a super low bottom. It is not a requirement. If you you have the desire to stop drinking, put effort into not drinking.

Our brains want us to keep doing whatever it is that gets those feel good chemicals flowing and so you justify drinking as you already have above. The reasons to pick back up get more subtle and more clever but as time goes on, if you work on yourself they go away.

Most of us use or drink to fill some sort of a void or hole we feel we have inside of us, when you take the drugs or drink away, there is that hole again. You really have to work and fill it with something positive or you will almost sure pick back up again. Many people here will offer good advice and insight so stick around. I would also experiment with some real life support groups as well as they are very valuable. Just don't talk yourself out of them before you give them an honest chance.

Bottom line is you have to truly want to be sober. Its a tough road at first but it's so worth it. I wish you the best.
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Old 01-08-2013, 10:48 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Welcome Drunkardson -

They say alcoholism is a "disease of denial" and it's so true. I justified, minimized, rationalized, and romanticized, too..... always thinking that "next time" would be different. It never was.

I don't think any of us can quit on our own. I read a LOT of posts here before I had enough hope to start dealing with my denial and get busy getting sober. Glad you're here - I never thought I'd say this, but there really is life after drinking!
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Old 01-08-2013, 10:54 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Second time around

When I first got clean and sober I was 25 years old. I was clean and sober for almost 14 years. I was an active member in 12-step meetings as well as counseling but stopped as "life became too busy". I later relapsed on alcohol and drank for a number of years. I am now many decades old and getting sober yet again. A significant fall and long-term medical issues now come with me in to my sobriety this time around. Alcoholism often creates many issues within a persons life. Not drinking does not equal being sober. Working the 12-steps, support from groups/counseling, and participation in sober activities is essential.
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Old 01-08-2013, 10:56 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Welcome! Please don't wait to hit rock bottom to stop. Take small steps, read a lot here on SR, figure out which plans seem to fit for you. You're young, it's a great time to stop and move forward in your life sober and functioning
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Old 01-08-2013, 11:16 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Allen Carr has a book, "The Easyway to Stop Drinking" talks a lot about the brainwashing we absorb in romanticizing drinking. The book is designed to poke holes in a lot of our conditioned thinking about drinking: we need it to be cool, we need it to be sociable, we need it to be creative, etc. Basically, it's all advertising combined with the effects of alcohol, and we ignore real and concerning effects to justify its use. The book is not without its flaws, but it's a good place to start to break down those feelings that you will be missing out on something important.

As a writing professional, I can guarantee you your drinking does not help the writing process. Maybe in short bursts, but in the long run it stifles creativity, discipline and output. As the key to good writing is often sustained, practiced craft, you can understand how a hangover and a nightly drinking ritual could derail efforts.

I quit drinking before I hit any sort of bottom (or as you point out, narrowly escape previous ones) and you certainly don't need that to want a better life for yourself. Seriously, drinking culture is largely brainwashing. Do a search of sober artists and you will be amazed at the strong individuals whose careers blossomed in sobriety.

Good luck, you can do this! You will be amazed at your strength. Don't worry about long-term, just focus on today.
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Old 01-08-2013, 11:30 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Here's a good exercise: think of all the things you do to drink alcohol. Do you spend more money than you should? Do you lie to people? Do you hide alcohol? Do you lie about hangovers? Do you not get as much done b/c you are drinking or hungover? Etc, etc.

Now imagine if you had a buddy who was doing all this crazy stuff for a girl or a job. Spending cash, worn out, lying, completely controlled. You'd think he was in real trouble, right? Well, when we realize all of the nutty stuff we do for a drink, we should realize we are already in trouble. It's just a drink, how does it have so much control over us? It's just not worth it. It's not love, or dreams, or anything meaningful, right?

You are young and don't need to waste years and life. The first time I logged onto to SR, it took 3 years before I finally quit, and those were tough years. I wish I had them back sometimes.
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Old 01-08-2013, 11:47 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Holy cow, I could have written that exact same thing a few years ago. Exactly (except for the father part). The writer's thing too - I used that as one of my tools in my rationalizing / romanticizing repertoire.

Your bottom can go as far as you want it to go. You just have to stop digging and get out. Many of us lose a lot more before we get to the realization that you have gotten to. It's up to you whether you want to move forward, or move downward.

I had the fear of quitting too - what would happen to me? How would I live without booze? Who would I be? It's a scary prospect. But so is dying an alcoholic death, and they are never pretty.

Have you looked into a program of recovery?
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Old 01-08-2013, 11:48 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Welcome Drunkardson! You sound like me at 25. I knew in my heart I was headed for trouble, but refused to face it. Instead I kept trying to use willpower to control my drinking. The results were disastrous.

You are taking action now - your life will never become chaos like mine did. You will find friendship here, shoulders to cry on, and advice. All of those were what I needed when I first joined. I stopped being sad and doubtful - I grew stronger and filled with hope and anticipation of the new life I was going to have. We're so glad you are here - everything's going to be alright.
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Old 01-08-2013, 11:50 AM   #13 (permalink)
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I lost who I thought was the girl of my dreams when I was in my early 20's because of my drinking. She had a alcoholic father, and basically told me that even though she loved me dearly, she could not wind up with an alcoholic husband... (Her dad wound up dieing a few years later while he was still in his 50's)...

I thought she was crazy, and totally did not see in myself what she saw at the time... It really hurt losing her though... In hindsight however, it was for the best as I would never have met my wonderful wife had I not lost "that girl". I'd be lying though if I told you that I never think back about her...

Fast forward 15+ years... Well of course! I became the alcoholic that "that girl" warned me about! And now, it wasn't only threatening the loss of "THE GIRL" (my wife who I love dearly), but it was also threatening the loss of my three young daughters who I can not imagine being seperated from!!!

Thank God I finally saw the light and sobered up. Things have improved tremendously since I quit drinking, both inside and outside of my home. Hopefully you will see the light too.
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Old 01-08-2013, 11:54 AM   #14 (permalink)
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I just finished a book recomended by this site. Under the Influence. According to the book , hangovers are withdrawal.
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Old 01-08-2013, 12:21 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Hi.

One part of your post touched on something I have tricked myself into in the past which is that drinking was a part of a writer's life and was necessary for my creative process. For me personally, I spent my drinking time talking about writing or thinking about writing or starting stuff and never finishing it.

During my sober time I have written with force and much better quality than before. If writing, or any type of creative outlet is your goal, my own experience tells me that you can achieve it but you have to put down the drink in order to do so.

Good luck.
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Old 01-08-2013, 12:43 PM   #16 (permalink)
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welcome drunkardson

The one thing I can tell you is...drinking like we do never gets better.

If you can quit at 25, you'll have done an amazing service to yourself and those who love you.

You'll find a lot of support here.

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Old 01-08-2013, 12:48 PM   #17 (permalink)
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welcome to you too soberclover

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Old 01-08-2013, 01:48 PM   #18 (permalink)
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Hi Drunkardson,

Alcoholism runs in families , so no surprise you Dad was one, but sorry to hear he had to die because of it. That is what eventually happens to we lucky drunks.
We kill ourselves or someone else in suicides, illness, and accidents, repectively.

We only have one choice and sometimes one chance to break the habit and live a normal life. I took the first chance I was given for fear of not getting another. It worked for me.

Don't let your father die in vain. Learn from it!

Stay Sober / Stay Strong
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Old 01-08-2013, 01:59 PM   #19 (permalink)
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Hey, carbon under pressure becomes a diamond.
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Old 01-08-2013, 02:27 PM   #20 (permalink)
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Hi again drunkardson
because we don't allow multiple identical threads, I merged your two threads here.

D
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