andisa

So many years of trying, of fighting, of playing mind games. I've tried everything except giving up. Giving up could go either way. So tired of the fight.

Sapling

Surrender to win....Made no sense to me...Till I did it.

SoberBella1

Never stop fighting for your life.

Weasel1966

I am not saying this is easy.... But when I stopped pitting me against it and accepting being a drunk and life on its terms then I found I had more control.

What does that mean? I try to stop beating myself up. I accept I cannot do certain things or go certain places.

Like the deaf or blind adapt. Those who have lost limbs. I have to accept I am an alcoholic and adjust everything around that.

Like I said its not easy.... But SR is full of examples that have.

You can be one as well.

Flyin2BFree

I'm tired too

not alone

let's win by giving in

andisa

That's one way I'm looking at this. Fighting only agitates It.

Coldfusion

Sounds like me on Halloween. I asked my wife to get more wine or get me to the hospital. One week of detox then sixty days of meetings later, we are BOTH still sober.

We started out by calling a crisis line.

Sapling

I fought it for 30 years....There was no way I was going to win...It kicked my ass.

artsoul

I found this quote shortly after I got sober and it said a lot to me:
Sometimes I interpret feeling stressed or depressed as an urge to drink, when they're really separate issues that everyone goes through. I have to remind myself that I have the power to make my life better, reduce stress, or whatever, and I also have lots to be grateful for.

I don't know what you've been going through, but I'm glad you posted this today.:ghug3

andisa

See, I have a really good life. I've worked hard to design a life I love and truly, honestly recognize I have so much I'm so very grateful for. That I (think) I can't I be honest and live openly, for fear of conflict and upset, keeps me in this persistent mindset of wanting to escape everyone and everything, so I don't have to deal with it, where there is peace.

Even while knowing real peace is within reach. Maybe it's all about taking the easy way out.

andisa

Thanks all. What I'm going through, Artsoul, is just the same 'ol, same 'ol. It's getting so 'ol. I want out of it. Either way of giving up seems like it will take a lot of work to go through. But then again, so is living like this.

Sapling

Why don't you give AA an honest try...I was always looking for an easy way out too...Problem is...They didn't work. AA is the easy way out...The hardest part about it is getting honest with yourself....Something I needed anyway and I was long overdue. It's free...If you don't like it...Quit going.

MIRecovery

Surrender Yes!, Giving Up, No. Surrender just means joining the winning side. When I stopped fighting everything and everybody. When I got honest with myself things got better.

The juggling act has to end.

FreeFall

I spent so many years truly believing I didn't have it in me to stop. I was afraid if I tried to stop and couldn't I'd have to do AA. Afraid that I'd try AA and it wouldn't work. Afraid to admit how serious the consequences of abusing alcohol could be. Each time I even thought about quitting I'd feel stressed.

Finally, I had a wake up call when a friend was hospitalized and decided to fight for myself. To give up the notions I was carrying around about drinking normally someday. To give up using booze as a crutch and escape and try to figure out what I was running away from. To give up the idea that I was happy with the drinking lifestyle and be honest with myself that I was miserable. I think giving up is a great start-worked for me.

artsoul

I really can relate, andisa.:ghug3

Have you ever looked into mindfulness? It really, really helped me. (I won't go into a long discourse about it, because you can look it up on the internet. I just felt like, for the first time, I found a way to work with my thoughts/feelings as a friend, rather than against them, or having them run my life. A lot of therapists are using it now).

andisa

Went to four NA meetings a couple weeks ago. Stated at the last one I was going to quit smoking and get a sponsor at the next meeting. Chicken me, I'm still smoking, still mentally entertaining the drugs, and sponsorless. One of the key provisions is "a willingness to quit using." Seems I should be more willing.

andisa

There's the honesty word again. That gets to the crux of it doesn't it. What do we honestly want.

Mindfulness. I am unaware but will become informed. After the dentist appointment, which I must go to now. I avoided that, too, for 4 years but now have a cavity. Ha, how indicative of how I operate. Avoidance doesn't solve the problem, rather, it allows them to grow into a rotting mess.

I so greatly appreciate your thoughtfulness, each of you. I'm honestly struggling with what comes next, and because I live so secretly, have few directions to turn to ask for help. So thank you.