Light Bulb Moments!
Missy, thanks for this thread.
Muse, thanks for posting here yesterday or I would not have found this thread.
I love the light bulb moments everyone has posted about and I would like to post 2 of mine.
My last day homeless, I was sitting on the steps of a church under the El tracks (subway/elevated train) and I was trying to make a deal with God, if I got the money and a way to get the dope, he would make sure I would get a bag that would kill me because I didn't want to be there anymore. "Please God take me out of here" I remember saying. Well, he had a different plan, when I walked to the corner, before I could turn around I felt someone tap me on the shoulder. It was a police officer who had been trying to serve me with a warrant for a while and I managed to dodge him ALOT. Instead of running like I usually do, I told him my police photo number so there would be no doubt as to my warrants. In the car he kept asking me if I needed protective custody, was someone after me, why did I go so easily this time. I just said "I'm tired". Went to jail, got out of jail, stayed clean. God got me out of there, just not the way I thought.
2- in recovery, around 9/11, some shared in a meeting that the world was just now looking for a way to learn what we have been doing all along. For the first time we were the ones who were better equipped to handle life on life's terms.
Muse, thanks for posting here yesterday or I would not have found this thread.
I love the light bulb moments everyone has posted about and I would like to post 2 of mine.
My last day homeless, I was sitting on the steps of a church under the El tracks (subway/elevated train) and I was trying to make a deal with God, if I got the money and a way to get the dope, he would make sure I would get a bag that would kill me because I didn't want to be there anymore. "Please God take me out of here" I remember saying. Well, he had a different plan, when I walked to the corner, before I could turn around I felt someone tap me on the shoulder. It was a police officer who had been trying to serve me with a warrant for a while and I managed to dodge him ALOT. Instead of running like I usually do, I told him my police photo number so there would be no doubt as to my warrants. In the car he kept asking me if I needed protective custody, was someone after me, why did I go so easily this time. I just said "I'm tired". Went to jail, got out of jail, stayed clean. God got me out of there, just not the way I thought.
2- in recovery, around 9/11, some shared in a meeting that the world was just now looking for a way to learn what we have been doing all along. For the first time we were the ones who were better equipped to handle life on life's terms.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Colchester CT
Posts: 13
This is an excellent thread. I've had a bunch of light bulb moments in the past couple of weeks. Some of them may only make sense to me, but maybe some of them will help someone else too.
I used to think that I was broken and that I some how had to find that and fix it. I now realize that how I FEEL about myself is what's broken. The shame I was made to feel about myself when I had no choice but to believe it is what made me think I was broken.
I then have to find the reasons why I feel so bad about myself. If I talk about them enough, their negative energy is released. For me, I had to get to the shame I was made to feel back when I had no choice but to believe it. What horrible, shameful, embarrassing message about myself did I get when I was little? The longer I walk around believing this, the more true it becomes. At some point I had to say:"This is not true. I do not have to be what I was made to feel I was. What I was trying to be when that (message) occurred is ok". I might not have had a choice but to believe it back then, but I have a choice now.
I have to stop doing things that make that message come true. Because a lot of it has become automatic. If I think I'm bad, I will become that. I have to stop doing things that reinforce what I was made to believe I was.
The argument: "If you felt like I do, you would use drugs too" is no longer valid. It only gives me permission to use and to engage in other behavior that is unhealthy for me.
Yes, I may feel worse than other people. But drugs don't fix that. They only make it worse. There are better ways to deal with those feelings.
Well, as usual, this has turned into more therapy for me than anything else: I think I discovered the natural extension of the messages I got.
I used to think that I was broken and that I some how had to find that and fix it. I now realize that how I FEEL about myself is what's broken. The shame I was made to feel about myself when I had no choice but to believe it is what made me think I was broken.
I then have to find the reasons why I feel so bad about myself. If I talk about them enough, their negative energy is released. For me, I had to get to the shame I was made to feel back when I had no choice but to believe it. What horrible, shameful, embarrassing message about myself did I get when I was little? The longer I walk around believing this, the more true it becomes. At some point I had to say:"This is not true. I do not have to be what I was made to feel I was. What I was trying to be when that (message) occurred is ok". I might not have had a choice but to believe it back then, but I have a choice now.
I have to stop doing things that make that message come true. Because a lot of it has become automatic. If I think I'm bad, I will become that. I have to stop doing things that reinforce what I was made to believe I was.
The argument: "If you felt like I do, you would use drugs too" is no longer valid. It only gives me permission to use and to engage in other behavior that is unhealthy for me.
Yes, I may feel worse than other people. But drugs don't fix that. They only make it worse. There are better ways to deal with those feelings.
Well, as usual, this has turned into more therapy for me than anything else: I think I discovered the natural extension of the messages I got.
Paused
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Tucson, AZ
Posts: 15
Today is my first day of actively starting recovery. I woke up hungover, and feeling like an ass for getting so drunk again last night, so I jumped on the internet and found you guys.
I guess you could say that I'm having a Light Bulb moment right now. I just caught myself wondering if my problems with alcohol were actually bad enough to start dealing with yet. Trying to tell myself that it would be ok to wait for one more day before I actually quit for good. I posted earlier today that I declare myself a non-drinker today. This is hard. But I guess thats why I'm here.
This battle with myself is funny - its so obvious that I'm an alcoholic, but I want desperately to be in denial. So many of you have been through this and worse, and I feel like such a newb sharing how I'm feeling right now. But I just feel like I have to put it out there. I don't want to drink anymore. I know that because I've told myself so many times - but the little devil guy on my left shoulder is giving me the once-over right now.
Just gonna keep struggling for right now. Gonna find something productive to do. I think I'll be ok.
I guess you could say that I'm having a Light Bulb moment right now. I just caught myself wondering if my problems with alcohol were actually bad enough to start dealing with yet. Trying to tell myself that it would be ok to wait for one more day before I actually quit for good. I posted earlier today that I declare myself a non-drinker today. This is hard. But I guess thats why I'm here.
This battle with myself is funny - its so obvious that I'm an alcoholic, but I want desperately to be in denial. So many of you have been through this and worse, and I feel like such a newb sharing how I'm feeling right now. But I just feel like I have to put it out there. I don't want to drink anymore. I know that because I've told myself so many times - but the little devil guy on my left shoulder is giving me the once-over right now.
Just gonna keep struggling for right now. Gonna find something productive to do. I think I'll be ok.
I had a moment of clarity yesterday. I was driving down main street as a man was coming out of the liquor store. I had seen him many times before, but don't know his name. He was doing the walk of shame as he clutched his paper wrapped bottle. He looked tired and haggard as I caught a look of sadness in his eyes. I thought to myself "I know how you feel". I remembered the feeling of relief having a bottle in my hand. At the same time, the feeling of helplessness for needing it. The anticipation of the first drink. I wanted to stop the car and talk to him. Tell him it doesn't have to be that way. Tell him he's not alone. Instead I drove right by. It's sad he can't see the clarity for himself.
Talia :rose
Talia :rose
NOT EVEN 1 CLUB!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: When I find myself, I'll let you know!
Posts: 1,835
((Talia)) great story! Thanks for sharing it. Sorry I didn't see it before. Had to find my thread in the basement.
Light Bulb Moment: I have had sooo many!
INSANITY - Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result!!
TURNING IT OVER - At first I thougth that was looking at a situation in a different way, (which kind of works). Now I know that we TURN THINGS OVER to our HP to take care of.
I know you all have had some light bulb moments! I believe this thread helps slow people like me to "get it" a little a bit faster!!
Missy
Light Bulb Moment: I have had sooo many!
INSANITY - Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result!!
TURNING IT OVER - At first I thougth that was looking at a situation in a different way, (which kind of works). Now I know that we TURN THINGS OVER to our HP to take care of.
I know you all have had some light bulb moments! I believe this thread helps slow people like me to "get it" a little a bit faster!!
Missy
I have a lot of drunken, light bulb moments, but I would like to share this one instead.
I had been in treatment a few weeks and went to a great AA meeting. I had always believed in some sort of HP, but somewhere along the way decided I was WAY too awful of a person for God to love me. I was sitting in this meeting, looking around at all these sober people thinking, "How cool that all these people have the love of God to get them through." Then it hit me.... What made me think I was so special that God would love all these other people and not me? I almost jumped up out of my chair. From that moment on, things have progressively better. I now know I am just as deserving of God's love as the next person. WE ALL DESERVE IT!!
Thanks for pulling this thread out of the basement, Missy. It is always good for me to remind myself of that meeting and the revelation that came with it!
I had been in treatment a few weeks and went to a great AA meeting. I had always believed in some sort of HP, but somewhere along the way decided I was WAY too awful of a person for God to love me. I was sitting in this meeting, looking around at all these sober people thinking, "How cool that all these people have the love of God to get them through." Then it hit me.... What made me think I was so special that God would love all these other people and not me? I almost jumped up out of my chair. From that moment on, things have progressively better. I now know I am just as deserving of God's love as the next person. WE ALL DESERVE IT!!
Thanks for pulling this thread out of the basement, Missy. It is always good for me to remind myself of that meeting and the revelation that came with it!
LIGHT BULB MOMENT!
GOING THROUGH THIS CRISIS WITH MY SISTER.
HE CLAIMS(HER B/F HE DOESN'T REMEMBER)
I'M A BLACKOUT DRINKER,COULD HAVE EASILY BEEN ME IN THOSE SHOES.
VERY SCARY THOUGHT.
MAKES ME THINK..................ted
GOING THROUGH THIS CRISIS WITH MY SISTER.
HE CLAIMS(HER B/F HE DOESN'T REMEMBER)
I'M A BLACKOUT DRINKER,COULD HAVE EASILY BEEN ME IN THOSE SHOES.
VERY SCARY THOUGHT.
MAKES ME THINK..................ted
Re: Lightbulb moments
I dont know if this is a light bulb moment, but it sure felt like one to me! This is the beginning of day 5 for me and yesterday I realised that there would be temptation to drink around me..... always, adverts, bars etc so unless I drank every drop of booze in the world ( and Ive tried that a few times !), I had to deal with it. So , ok I will. What then dawned on me was that one day I might come accross a bottle stashed around the house/ garage for that "just in case" moment, could I deal with that ? Not so sure, so I emptied the garage, cleaned out the loft emptied the cellar etc, searched every nook and cranny and found plenty of empties but no suprise temptations. I can keep my guard up, I just dont want anything to slip under it.
NOT EVEN 1 CLUB!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: When I find myself, I'll let you know!
Posts: 1,835
Alcoholics are very self centered people. When drinking, I never thought of myself as selfish. Now I can see it!!
When we are afraid, it's because we MIGHT NOT get OUR WAY!!
When we are angery, it's because we DIDN'T get OUR WAY!!
WOW!! When drinking, I thought I could do anything. The next day, I'd have an excuse for my behavior. "Oh, I was just drunk!" Now, I have to take responsiblility for my actions, present and past!! I CANNOT use any more excuses or justifications!! I now have the CHOICE not to drink!
NOTHING and NOBODY can make me drink!!
It's when I pick up that first drink, that I no longer have a choice!
When we are afraid, it's because we MIGHT NOT get OUR WAY!!
When we are angery, it's because we DIDN'T get OUR WAY!!
WOW!! When drinking, I thought I could do anything. The next day, I'd have an excuse for my behavior. "Oh, I was just drunk!" Now, I have to take responsiblility for my actions, present and past!! I CANNOT use any more excuses or justifications!! I now have the CHOICE not to drink!
NOTHING and NOBODY can make me drink!!
It's when I pick up that first drink, that I no longer have a choice!
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