Questions from a Newcomer
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Raleigh, NC
Posts: 10
Questions from a Newcomer
First off, thanks to all that create, maintain and populate these forums. Connecting with other people is a really beautiful and profound thing.
In May of 2012 I addressed my alcohol problem. I stopped drinking, telling my loved one's that I was going to take a break. I enjoyed my time away from drinking much more than I ever enjoyed drinking. I had not been a regular drinker for many years, but when I drank I would be unhappy and cause unneeded stress for those that love me and, of course, myself. After talking with loved ones and a counselor it was time to try to incorporate responsible drinking back into my life. While I had success with this, two days ago I drank to the point of drunkeness and was a typical annoying drunk person.
Because of that experience I have decided that total abstinence is what will work for me. The effort it would take me to try and become a moderate drinker, assuming that is even possible for me, is just not worth it when not drinking is so much less effort.
My questions as I begin this process and re-calibrate my own goals are:
1. How do you avoid letting being a non-drinker 'define' you?
2. How do you forgive yourself for past transgressions?
3. Is it possible to meet and socialize with non-drinkers without recovery being the only or dominate topic of conversation?
Thanks for being here for those of us that are jumping in the pool. The water feels great, I'm ready to swim, I just need some advice on strokes you guys/gals like.
In May of 2012 I addressed my alcohol problem. I stopped drinking, telling my loved one's that I was going to take a break. I enjoyed my time away from drinking much more than I ever enjoyed drinking. I had not been a regular drinker for many years, but when I drank I would be unhappy and cause unneeded stress for those that love me and, of course, myself. After talking with loved ones and a counselor it was time to try to incorporate responsible drinking back into my life. While I had success with this, two days ago I drank to the point of drunkeness and was a typical annoying drunk person.
Because of that experience I have decided that total abstinence is what will work for me. The effort it would take me to try and become a moderate drinker, assuming that is even possible for me, is just not worth it when not drinking is so much less effort.
My questions as I begin this process and re-calibrate my own goals are:
1. How do you avoid letting being a non-drinker 'define' you?
2. How do you forgive yourself for past transgressions?
3. Is it possible to meet and socialize with non-drinkers without recovery being the only or dominate topic of conversation?
Thanks for being here for those of us that are jumping in the pool. The water feels great, I'm ready to swim, I just need some advice on strokes you guys/gals like.
Its_me_jen
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Salina, Ks
Posts: 8,547
Hi blackbeard. Welcome to SR!
I have a similar story of trying to moderate. I tried it for quite a long time. For me, it was impossible.
You've got some great questions! For me, like bbthumper, I used AA to help me. It is most certainly not the only way. You'll meet people here that have used various ways to get sober, stay sober, AND be happy.
In my experience, it doesn't happen overnight but it does happen!
I have a similar story of trying to moderate. I tried it for quite a long time. For me, it was impossible.
You've got some great questions! For me, like bbthumper, I used AA to help me. It is most certainly not the only way. You'll meet people here that have used various ways to get sober, stay sober, AND be happy.
In my experience, it doesn't happen overnight but it does happen!
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 5,678
Originally Posted by blackbeard 
My questions as I begin this process and re-calibrate my own goals are:
1. How do you avoid letting being a non-drinker 'define' you?
2. How do you forgive yourself for past transgressions?
3. Is it possible to meet and socialize with non-drinkers without recovery being the only or dominate topic of conversation?
1. How do you avoid letting being a non-drinker 'define' you?
2. How do you forgive yourself for past transgressions?
3. Is it possible to meet and socialize with non-drinkers without recovery being the only or dominate topic of conversation?
If I was to attempt to answer your questions I'd say 'with time'. I am 10+ months sober and being a non drinker still defines me because it is something I am still having to put a lot of effort into. When it is less of an issue with me I would imagine I won't feel like it is a definition of me. I haven't entirely forgiven my past transgressions but I figure that will happen with time too. And by definition I guess if you are meeting with non-drinkers then the reason you know they are is that you're in a recovery group with them... if you don't want to talk about recovery you could do something else, like a cookery class or a book group, places where drinking won't take place.
Glad you're here x
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Raleigh, NC
Posts: 10
I really appreciate the responses. I am familiar with the recovery options and am comfortable with my personal choice. I think they are all wonderful because they all help folks that sometimes feel helpless.
I was wondering if there were some answers, either already posted on this site (since all three of my questions would be common newcomer questions) from folks who had put in some sober time and were able to speak from experience on how they personally would answer one or all of those questions.
The rush to know everything all at once, right now! My immediate satisfaction glands are always working.
Seriously, thanks. I know that there are some answers that are personal, that come with time. These are the three things I am worried or anxious about regarding my sobriety, at this time. However, the nerves and anxiety is much less pronounced than when I am drinking so I appreciate that very much.
I was wondering if there were some answers, either already posted on this site (since all three of my questions would be common newcomer questions) from folks who had put in some sober time and were able to speak from experience on how they personally would answer one or all of those questions.
The rush to know everything all at once, right now! My immediate satisfaction glands are always working.
Seriously, thanks. I know that there are some answers that are personal, that come with time. These are the three things I am worried or anxious about regarding my sobriety, at this time. However, the nerves and anxiety is much less pronounced than when I am drinking so I appreciate that very much.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Raleigh, NC
Posts: 10
Excellent call on the book group. I will look into that today. I just want to have social interactions outside of recovery that, obviously, don't involve drinking. And because I've been confusing socializing with drinking for years it is difficult for me to think creatively, like you just have.
Best,
Best,
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Originally Posted by blackbeard
1. How do you avoid letting being a non-drinker 'define' you?
Define yourself however you want to... I "am" many things... Drinking is something I don't do... I don't skydive either, nor do I smoke, anymore, I don't like vegetables much either... I like to ski, ride bike, fish and hunt for small game... I am also a music lover.
2. How do you forgive yourself for past transgressions?
I am just a man. I did some stuff I'd rather I didn't... but I figure I am not alone
... I try not to do more things I'd regret later... 3. Is it possible to meet and socialize with non-drinkers without recovery being the only or dominate topic of conversation?
Well... hmm... Talk about other stuff, LOL... I am being facetious... I have friends that are not in recovery... hence we don't talk about it. My recovery friends, well, we go do stuff together and usually talk about what we are doing..
You are doing FANTASTIC... this will all work itself out... Be patient, live in today!
to SR! :ghug3
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: "I'm not lost for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost ..."
Posts: 5,273
Originally Posted by blackbeard
not drinking is so much less effort.
1. How do you avoid letting being a non-drinker 'define' you?
Like Mark said, the same way I don't let anything define me. There are many, many parts that make up the whole that is you. Being a non-drinker is but one of them. We each decide how much focus we want to give any of our "parts" and at different times in our lives some parts need more focus than others.
2. How do you forgive yourself for past transgressions?
The main way I forgive myself is knowing I have changed and the things I did before I will never do again. Ever.
3. Is it possible to meet and socialize with non-drinkers without recovery being the only or dominate topic of conversation?
Absolutely. Ever heard of "meet-up"? I haven't done one yet, but I know in my area there are "meet-ups" for any and all kinds of activities...kayaking, rock climbing, hiking, cycling, couponing, shopping...you name it and there's probably a group out there for it. We organize alot of stuff at work too beyond just the tired old "happy hour" socializing like a book club, group 5k run, and group charity work. And "normal" drinkers like to do stuff too. Just because some of my friends drink doesn't mean we can't do things that don't involve drinking...we've done sign language classes, cooking groups, skydiving, sports events. I just saw a burlesque dancing class in my area...now that sounds fun, right?! I think every community, big or small, has endless possibilities for fun stuff to do. You just have to tap into it.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Chicago Burbs- Illinois
Posts: 202
I am early in recovery right now blackbeard and it is a source of some anxiety for me to think of being "the dude who doesn't drink". But what helps for me is to realize that the vast majority of a person's life should not involve drinking.
Think of a "normal" drinker who maybe gets drunk a few times a year and has a few beers/glasses of wine at dinners etc... that person is living well over 90 percent of their lives without alcohol, and really maybe more.
So far sure I've missed a few parties but those parties represented a few hours in a day and what I'm working toward personally is a long term goal of becoming a much better and more productive person.
It can be easy to dwell on those couple of hours at some random party where sure you would be fitting in if you drank or what not but the big picture is really what counts.
Think of a "normal" drinker who maybe gets drunk a few times a year and has a few beers/glasses of wine at dinners etc... that person is living well over 90 percent of their lives without alcohol, and really maybe more.
So far sure I've missed a few parties but those parties represented a few hours in a day and what I'm working toward personally is a long term goal of becoming a much better and more productive person.
It can be easy to dwell on those couple of hours at some random party where sure you would be fitting in if you drank or what not but the big picture is really what counts.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Water's Edge
Posts: 239
Regarding your question about defining yourself in ways other than being a "non-drinker"' this is an interesting question. When I first quit, I was reluctant to say anything about this decision because I did not want to become seen as a "reformed alcoholic". I knew a couple of people who wore that badge, really kind of a mantle, and it seemed to be what their world revolved around. I wanted to be just a regular person who happened to prefer water or tea. I did not want conversations revolving around the topic of alcohol, I wanted interesting conversations about all sorts of ideas. So, I just kept the business of my quitting to myself.
Surprisingly, I found that nobody I socialized with took much note of the change after the first couple of times being around me. I just don't drink alcohol. We talk as we always did of all sorts of things, the only difference being that I remember more of the discussions. The concern I had about being labelled was in my head, because of my preoccupation with alcohol. It is a non-issue.
If you are open and accepting of people, live and let live, refrain from judgmental commentary about people's lifestyles and make yourself an interesting and fun person to be around, no one issue label will attach itself.
Best wishes to you.
Surprisingly, I found that nobody I socialized with took much note of the change after the first couple of times being around me. I just don't drink alcohol. We talk as we always did of all sorts of things, the only difference being that I remember more of the discussions. The concern I had about being labelled was in my head, because of my preoccupation with alcohol. It is a non-issue.
If you are open and accepting of people, live and let live, refrain from judgmental commentary about people's lifestyles and make yourself an interesting and fun person to be around, no one issue label will attach itself.
Best wishes to you.
Clear Eyes Full Heart
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,272
1. How do you avoid letting being a non-drinker 'define' you?
I try not to make drinking or not drinking a big focus in my life. Try to keep it as simple as possible. If people ask when I'm going to drink again my new answer is "maybe never" (I still need to feel like I'm making a choice, rather than it's a life sentence lol) . I spend time with the same people I always did. I haven't focused much on new social life due to time and money constraints, but if it happens I will join groups that don't involve drinking. Anything like a gym, adult ed class, church, social groups would probably do the trick.
2. How do you forgive yourself for past transgressions?
I don't dwell on them but am mindful that they happened. I try to do the best I can not to repeat them, and try to be helpful to others to make up for anything that I need to be forgiven for.
3. Is it possible to meet and socialize with non-drinkers without recovery being the only or dominate topic of conversation?
I have limited time to socialize so I still mostly spend time out with drinking friends. I think it's possible to meet new people that don't make drinking a focus of their life.
I try not to make drinking or not drinking a big focus in my life. Try to keep it as simple as possible. If people ask when I'm going to drink again my new answer is "maybe never" (I still need to feel like I'm making a choice, rather than it's a life sentence lol) . I spend time with the same people I always did. I haven't focused much on new social life due to time and money constraints, but if it happens I will join groups that don't involve drinking. Anything like a gym, adult ed class, church, social groups would probably do the trick.
2. How do you forgive yourself for past transgressions?
I don't dwell on them but am mindful that they happened. I try to do the best I can not to repeat them, and try to be helpful to others to make up for anything that I need to be forgiven for.
3. Is it possible to meet and socialize with non-drinkers without recovery being the only or dominate topic of conversation?
I have limited time to socialize so I still mostly spend time out with drinking friends. I think it's possible to meet new people that don't make drinking a focus of their life.
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