1gab

I am new to the forum, my wife and I have dealt with (2) adult sons with addiction to heroin. The youngest (27) has just come out of a court mandated 6 month program, we had hopes that he would stay clean and gave him a place to stay and a car. He lasted about 2 months before "admitting" he had used. I was suspicious that he had been using before. Anyway, I was very clear with my wife and stepson that any relapse would result in a complete repossession of the car and place to stay. I was hoping that would help him overcome the urge somewhat in that there were clear consequences. Now, he has used, my wife is not willing to take the actions we agreed on when we purchased the car and residence. I have asked my wife to leave and am considering a divorce. I have spent 10 years of my life dealing with (2) grown men's addictions and I don't want to continue living like this,, my wife has come a long way but in my opinion, she is still not ready to make the tough decisions... I need some opinions,, am I overreacting? My stepson has already gotten combative and refused to go back to treatment,, this tells me he is not ready to handle being on his own, anybody please tell me what you think... Thanks

artsoul

Welcome 1gab -

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. It has to be very frustrating and sad at the same time. Have you or your wife considered AlAnon or some other kind of support or counseling? It might help her especially, to set (and follow through) on setting boundaries.

Check out our forum for families, too..... you'll find that you're definitely not alone.:ghug3
Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

avocado

Your wife is obviously enabling her sons' behavior. I personally think you should remain firm in your resolve and if she doesn't agree, leave her. They're not your kids and shouldn't be your problem. It sounds like you've been overly generous thus far. It's time to focus on what's best for you.

vegibean

I agree with Avocado. Don't back down, don't give in, and serious, if you have to tell your wife "divorce is imminent", then so be it. Those boys are making choices and they shouldn't be rewarded. Take the car back, kick him out of the house, call the cops if you need to. I know that could start WWII in your home, but they're behavior affecting everyone else is wrong.

Have they stole from you ever? Yet?

I wouldn't let it go, stay strong no matter what you have to do. Also, don't be afraid to pick up the phone and talk to some people at treatment centers in getting their professional opinion. If you called my treatment center, I can tell you that they will more than likely tell you what I just did.

If they don't care about their recovery and doing the right thing... it should not affect you. You deserve better than that. Good luck!!

stairs

Nope you are not being over reactive. You are taking a stand. Good for you.

1gab

Yes, they have both stolen, thousands of dollars. Not to mention the 100s of thousands over the past 10 years paying for cars they wrecked, attorneys, bail, rehab after rehab. Neither has had access to our money or home directly for years, they live not far away with their biological father, he just gives them his ATM card and they take whatever he has. I have gotten my wife to stop paying for just about everything, I caved on the car and home as a gesture of hope and confidence... I see where that got me... I keep telling myself it is not about the money,, I have way more than anyone could ever need and I want for nothing,,, except a wife that is happy so we can live happily together.. Of course,, she will never be happy until they are happy and that seems unlikely,,, ever,,,,

Sasha4

These 'boys' are 27 years old?

They are not boys they are men.
They need to earn their own cash, finance their own houses and cars.
Even pay for their own rehab if needs be.

They don't need a car, there is public transport. I am assuming neither has a job? What do they need a car for? Getting into further trouble?

Why do they need a whole house?
Why not one room rented they can share?

Its not about you having way more money than anyone needs.
I presume you worked/work hard for that money. You have taken the right routes in life to be in that position. Even if that money fell from the sky and landed in your lap its not for them to abuse. Its your money.

And all that money has not been able to save them now from themselves, so it probably won't for anytime longer.

What would you rather happen with the money they get from you?
Would you not rather spend it on worthwhile causes, such as sponsoring a third world child or helping a village have clean water? Thats true poverty and true hardship to me.

I think if life was a lot tougher, and they have got it good, then they might 'get it' a bit quicker.

I hope I have not overstepped the mark and have offended you with my thoughts.
I think you already know what I have written is true.

I wish you the best.

Sasha4

The shorter version from me would be 'no - you are under reacting'.

I'm still wishing you the best!
xx

vegibean

I'm sorry to hear that, but I figured as much. Just remember you need to be happy too. Go get some support for yourself, be strong, and I do wish for you and your wife to be happy, but I think she needs to learn to let go, this is their addiction, not hers, and it will suck you dry.

1gab

Thanks to all for the kind words of wisdom, I love my wife more than I ever thought possible. I am trying to stay strong to help "her".. It is very hard knowing that I am risking my marriage... I hope I am doing the right thing.

Maylie

You are doing the right thing. In fact, when you love an addict, the best thing to do for them is to pull back and let them fall on their faces and deal with the consequences of their actions. It sounds like they have a dream life for a drug addict. I am a recovered addict, and if someone paid for my house, car, and I got money whenever I needed it without working I would never have gone into recovery. In fact, with unlimited money, I would be dead.

You are acting like a reasonable, healthy person with strong boundaries. Your wife might love her children, but you can not love addiction out of people. It seems like you have a good grip on what needs to be done, I pray that your wife reaches out to counselors and support groups and is able to see that what she is doing is making them sicker, not better.

You and your wife deserve to be happy. Unfortunately, she sees her sons has helpless little boys, even though they are grown men. I hope it doesn't have to end in divorce, but you need to do what is right for you.

Threshold

Hmmm...I was right behind you until I read this, and I may be misreading it but when you say "risking" your marriage...I start to wondering if this plan is a sort of manipulation/ultimatum tool. Are you totally and fully prepared to end the marriage if she chooses to continue to support her son's addictions?

Think carefully. If you are not totally and fully prepared...but are hoping SHE will get scared and choose you...then you can sort of understand where she is with saying yes she agrees to your plan, but then when the boys "need" her...Follow through isn't always easy. Sometimes when we make the agreement, we are SURE we will never be put in the position of actually choosing, etc etc.

Whenever we make our move contingent on the choice of another it bears closer inspection.

It sounds like your wife, and perhaps you as well could benefit from Al-anon, Nar-anon or some other group or counseling on the issue of codependency.

It is fine to CHOOSE to stay involved with our addicts, and support their habit if we care to, but sometimes we need some perspective to understand the dynamic before we can make and educated choice.

I can totally understand why you have no interest in supporting someone else's drug habit.