serious

i feel ashamed. i gave in to my addiction last night. after about 6.5 months of wonderful sobriety i drank a bottle of wine.

the last 10 days or so were horror, i've been having nightmarish panic attacks pretty much non-stop. not sure what triggered them.

i fought and fought in my mind and really was winding down around 10pm... just when as i was dosing off, a mind-blowing panic attack hit me... i had to jump off the couch and start pacing around the room. cold sweat was forming on hands, legs and back...
oh wow.. the addictive voice was so strong at that point. i almost cried as i started getting dressed. i knew that i was going to drink and there was no stopping me.

the worst part is that the "beast" was so happy. i could feel some part of my body being genuinely thrilled, like i was about to go on a fun ride.

as i was getting to store i heard the voice saying...
"you will drink get drunk so that you don't feel the pain anymore."

i headed to get a bottle of vodka. something seriously stubborn inside me said... "no". not much better, but i've opted for a bottle of wine instead.
got home had a first glass... felt no change and immediately had another.

and then the dreadful feeling of fake comfort and numbness settled. i got dizzy and laid down. i fell into a slumber. woke up at 2 am, chugged the rest of the bottle. and have been staring at the dark room, wondering if my panic is better or worse.
i realized it's all the same. but my AV is fully awake... all i've been contemplating is having a drink as soon as i can.

now i'm so pre-occupied with this drink, that i'm forgetting about how anxious and panicky i really am.

how sad

Dee74

Serious

I hope you'll forget about your AV and your desire to drink...yes it's rough especially if you've had a taste....but you can get through the rest of the weekend,.

It won't be the best weekend of your life but you can do it

Try and see someone as soon as possible about your panic attacks.

I understand about panic attacks but drinking on them is like throwing an firecracker on a fire....sooner or later, and probably when we least expect it, it's going to go off.

I really urge you to act now, and act responsibly.
You're worth it.

You won't be sorry, looking back

D

Weasel1966

Serious.... One moment of weakness does not have enough power to take all your strength away. I have read your posts and you do certainly have strength.

K

hamabi

6 months without drinking is exceptional for an alcoholic, and you've done that twice now, so you know you certainly can do it again.

Reinvolve yourself with what was working well for you.

sober1ck

Serious, I have put together bits of time in the past, so I relate to the disappointment that feels like its own shortcoming or failure. This is day 2 for me. I am likewise amazed from my own experience that things can unravel pretty quickly. I would echo what Weasel said about one moment of weakness... whatever the reason is I fell, it didn't delete my good contacts, all the great conversations, and it didn't make me forget where the meetings are. That sober time still counts for me, even if I have a new sobriety date. Peace. Thinking of you, and hang in there.

serious

thanks for your support! :ghug3

i realize that despite this hardship i've done some wonderful things in my life. and i'm not giving up.
honestly it doesn't matter to me if it's day 1, day -5 or year 17. of course it's awesome to have nice streak under your belt, but can i really discount the great gifts sobriety had brought to me?

i often ask myself the question: "what's the point?".
when i drank... the answer was almost always: "there is nothing" (followed by a few sips of heavy liquor).
when i was sober, it has been an intriguing: "you have a chance to find out!".

strangely enough i might have needed to look the beast in the eye again. (my AV trying to trick me into thinking that this was somehow destined to be part of the process?) to see how far down i can still go, but how quick and easy it is to reach the rock bottom.

i don't have much support other than SR, so i'm thankful as always to be here.
i hope this feeling of brighter days lasts for a little while longer.

least

Forgive yourself, learn from it, and move forward again. YOu can do it.:ghug3

Xune

You made a poor choice in having that first drink.

Learn from it.

Elisabeth888

I am sorry!

Try to hang in there until your Dr. appt. tomorrow. You can do it.

Be honest about your anxiety.

lilac0721

Serious,

I understand the panic attacks. After bingeing the better part of the past two weeks (and not going to work), I am having them too. Hugs to you. Panic attacks are not a pleasant experience. You can get through this.

2granddaughters

I treated my alcohol addiction and fears (panic attacks) with an AA meeting this morning. It might just be the ticket for you as well.

All the best.

Bob R

FreeFall

Sorry you let your AV get the upper hand and slipped. It happens. Just move forward. Nothing can take away your six months of sobriety. If you stop right away again in six months you'll have 364 days which is pretty damn impressive.
It's not so much about the counting though, more about what drove you to decide a drink was a good idea.

SeekSobriety

Anxiety disorder is real, alchohol was one of my "self medications" before I was able to get professional help.

See if your doctor can refer you to someone with experience treating anxiety disorder and addiction. I found some great tools in CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) that can be a great proven option for you as well. Just make sure that your doctor is aware of your addicitions and drinking.

Pamel

Drinking again after some sober time is like an out-of-body experience: you see yourself as the person who wants to stay sober but the obsession controls you. The battle never ends-it just seems to sometimes. I have know people with over 30 years take that first drink and all h*ll breaks lose.

I am hanging in there with you-day one for me (again).

hypochondriac

I hope your doctor is able to offer you some good advice or refer you to someone useful Serious. Maybe it is time to add another layer to your support too. Maybe some face to face support would help. Don't let the slip drag out, alcohol is never a good remedy for anxiety x

serious

Fair, but AA is simply not for me. I have honestly tried to go to meetings.

First, I was scared. I felt pretty bad.
Second, I was open minded... but seeing all the people suffering around me, made things worse. (I left wanting a drink).
Third, I just left in the middle because I felt like I'm trying to remove alcohol from my life, not too add more worries about it.

Perhaps, it was AA in my area. I'm simply saying that I have tried a number of times and could not relate.

Fandy

Serious, you don't have to justify your recovery methods to anyone.

I know that panic feeling and impending sense of doom and gloom, i've done the same thing with wine....and i think i can stroke the hair off the cat too.

the good thing is that you have identified the problem and you are going to get some help and better methods to treat it. Please don't let one bottle of wine, turn into anything more. find something to take you out of this mood today, anything.
feel better. :ghug3

serious

You've got that right, my friend. What a way to express exactly how I feel.

To be honest this is the second time I've consciously slipped up. (I discount all those moderation attempts in the past, that was a joke).

I have to say that first time was much more scary (out of control happened so fast so abruptly), today I feel like I have a better handle on things at least to recognize my opponent more wisely.

That being said, additional tools will be required to curb this one. After so many years of drinking (and somewhat relying on other substances) I find myself nearly defenseless in the time of real crisis.

Learn and grow. This war is far from over.

Pamel

BEWARE AND EVER VIGILANT Serious. I am here with you daily (as an understanding friend and fellow "relapser"). Will check in constantly! (For me and you...)