Trusing him when he's in the rooms
 

Me and my alcoholic have been together for 13 years. I walked out two years ago because his drinking a drug use had gotten so bad. I'm happy to say that he will be picking up his 1 year chip the end of January 2013! After 8 months in rehab we decided to give "us" another go. It hasn't been easy. In fact, it's been the most frustrating 4 months of my life. And I'm sure his too. He goes to 5 to 7 meetings a week and is very active in his home group and service work. He has many friends in the program. Both male and female. He works the programs and people are drawn to him for help. Usually, I don't have a problem with that. He says he has to surround himself with people working the program and that when he helps someone it actually is keeping him sober. I get all that. They have been his life line. He has girls call and texting quite a bit. For the most part it all about step work and principles. However, there have been times when girls have wanted to see him outside of the meetings. They tell him that they are attracted to him and so on. To my knowledge, he has not gone but it does make it awkward for a while at the meetings. I on occasion join him for a speaker meeting and it's weird for me as well. I already have trust issues because of things in our past. Now, I feel like I'm always checking up behind him to make sure he's not misrepresenting himself to these girls. Any advise out there?

Hi and welcome thistwoshallpas :)

I'm not in AA but I think trust can take a while to be re-earned.
Have you expressed your misgivings to your partner?

Maybe he can stick to mentoring guys for while?

D

I ahve been in AA for more than two years and I do believe that in terms of sponsorship, it's best to keep relationships to the same sex. (My sponsor is a woman, I am a man, and it works but I can see why same-sex is suggested).

I see nothing wrong with supporting another member regardless of sex, but if there are issues in the past that make you wary, do share that with him. And if you are reading his texts and some mixed sex exchanges seem to be unrelated to the program, I would think that is a red flag.

It can be a sticky situation. People are needy in recovery, and just needy in general. I don't know what to advise you. Wish I did.

It can work both ways. There was a guy who was calling a woman multiple times per day and she said, "I can't deal with this. I'm still sick." He finally stopped the pursuit, but not after he had badgered her to an excessive degree.

She wasn't into it whole heartedly, but being payed attention to is always flattering and hard to resist sometimes.

Of course, I don't know what was going through her mind. Just guessing. Perhaps she feared stalking and was scared.

Stalking is hell on wheels and can only end in heartbreak in a committed relationship. I certainly hope that's not what is happening with your partner in any aspect.

In my area hardly anyone is sponsored by someone of the opposite sex. It seems this is much more common in the states. I have friends, both male and female within the fellowship. I meet up with both regularly. A lot of female members seem to gravitate to me. I asked some of them about this and was told it was because I was non-threatening. Some female members just want male perspectives and there is nothing in it at all. It sounds like your partner is approaching everything from a caring place.

Natom.

I'd think those girls would be flocking to the sponsor of your boyfriend; the person who has the spirituality and who has guided your boyfriend.....not to someone with almost one year of sobriety.

He needs to stick with the males.

Um, boys stick with boys and girls with girls. I have been in AA for over 3 years and have NO men's numbers in my phone. I stick with the women. When I am approached by a male for advice, etc, I guide them toward a male sober member who can help them.

Sounds like he needs to get serious about his own work. He needs to remove the contacts from his phone and let them know that he is not available for talking/texting/meeting. They have their own sponsors and other females to call.

I would also recommend Alanon for any other family members (you) if not already attending. You seem very focused on him when the focus should be on you.



My 0.02 and experience. :)

My comment has nothing to do with AA, since I do not attend, but more about what is he getting out of all this attention?

While he may not be dating or acting on any of it, it somehow is feeding a need for him, IMO. This sort of thing can happen in any situation in life, not only the rooms of AA. This does not mean he has bad intentions or even realizes it is feeding some need. But he may be responding simply to the feeling of others needing him, seeking his advice, etc... That is very flattering and rewarding, but maybe misguided.

I know that what I am about to say may upset some people. The truth is that members of AA do have affairs. I know AA people who have done this. The sad thing aside from hurting other people is that the sneaking , the lying to themselves and others, the actual affair leads them to a relapse. It starts out with " We are doing this for our recovery" and turns into a sexual liaison. Most of us have a sex drive and addicts are no different from anyone else. No sense in denying it.

Please check out our Friends and Familys of Alcoholics forum:

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Where you will find many that have been or are where you are now.

Hope to see you there!

Love and hugs,

I would share my feelings with my partner if I felt that anything was going on. I always try to be open and honest with my those in my life, otherwise, feelings start to build up and tensions start to rise.

Have you thought about going to couples therapy so that both of you could speak about your feelings? Trust is very hard to regain, and perhaps a professional can help sort of feelings that are warrented and feelings that are just arising from the past? Sometimes it is hard to assess a situation when you are in the middle of it and there is past history.

There is no way to read your partners mind, so unless he is willing to open up and be honest, you will never fully know if there is anything going on. I would try to look at the situation and decide if it is healthy to spend so much time and energy on worrying about what he is doing, who he is talking to, and what is going on in meetings. Try to focus on yourself, and get yourself in a healthy spot, emotionally and physically.

If you express your feelings and he decides that this is the way he wants to act and behave, well then you will have to decide if this is the relationship for you. The reality is that people cheat, whether they are sober, actively using, in AA, at work, or anywhere. Whenever someone is in a relationship, there will always be a chance that an affair could occur, and you have to decide if you don't that you are being respected and treated properly, if you should leave.

That's a tough one. :headbange
It's a pretty personal decision of how you approach this.

gigi

Some people go far too over the top in regards to males sticking with males and females sticking with females. I don't agree with it. I don't think its that healthy to completely dismiss the opposite sex in the rooms. You just create an environment of fear and anxiety that is gonna make your relationship troubles (Which a lot of us have) worse.

Natom