Growing apart from old friends
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 155
Growing apart from old friends
Right now I'm having trouble dealing with my lack of support from old friends. Its very upsetting to me because these have been my best friends for the past 5 years. I was in the hospital and the doctors told me to give up drinking a month ago. I have not drank since, but my closest friends say the doctors were just trying to scare me that I don't need to give up drinking. That by giving up drinking I am punishing myself. I finally stopped telling them I am going to AA meetings because they say that is "weird" that I go.
Its upsetting because they are still the same people I've been hung out with all this time, just I'm not drinking. They dragged me out NYE even had to pay an $80 ticket for a club even though I was not drinking and just watched them get wasted. A certain amount of drinks were free with the $80 ticket and they asked me to grab drinks and just hold it for them so they could drink them later. I wanted to punch them in the face honestly. I just stood there holding a glass of champagn like a cup holder for them and by the grace of God I did not drink the drink in my hand.
I just don't want to hang out with them anymore and the last thing I want to do is go to a bar and I've been to SO many bars! I can't believe I haven't drank in 30 days trust me. Just club soda with a lime and its been SO hard and they don't seem to give a **** about what I went through at the hospital and the torture over me making this change.
I don't know why I still try to please them and go out. Why bother? Why do I still worry about impressing them. I want to cut them out of my life. I thought I could still be friends with them, but I don't think they are my friends. I don't think they understand me.
Its upsetting because they are still the same people I've been hung out with all this time, just I'm not drinking. They dragged me out NYE even had to pay an $80 ticket for a club even though I was not drinking and just watched them get wasted. A certain amount of drinks were free with the $80 ticket and they asked me to grab drinks and just hold it for them so they could drink them later. I wanted to punch them in the face honestly. I just stood there holding a glass of champagn like a cup holder for them and by the grace of God I did not drink the drink in my hand.
I just don't want to hang out with them anymore and the last thing I want to do is go to a bar and I've been to SO many bars! I can't believe I haven't drank in 30 days trust me. Just club soda with a lime and its been SO hard and they don't seem to give a **** about what I went through at the hospital and the torture over me making this change.
I don't know why I still try to please them and go out. Why bother? Why do I still worry about impressing them. I want to cut them out of my life. I thought I could still be friends with them, but I don't think they are my friends. I don't think they understand me.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 20
Hi Lilly - I can totally relate to your post - I lost my best friend of 22 years when I stopped drinking. Although she lives far away, I was her drinking buddy for years. The last time we were together, she tried to get me to drink, and then played it off like she "forgot" that I'm in AA. Whhhaaat?!?!
The things that made me leave her behind included her saying it was "odd" that I didn't drink anymore, that I was being brainwashed, and that I was in a cult. She has her own stuff to deal with, (her husband is a binge drinker, 4 DUI's...etc.). I had to let her go for my own sobriety. I now have friends that I can count on in the program, and actually enjoy going out.
Do you attend meetings? I have found the greatest support from women there. Hang in there and do what is right for you.
The things that made me leave her behind included her saying it was "odd" that I didn't drink anymore, that I was being brainwashed, and that I was in a cult. She has her own stuff to deal with, (her husband is a binge drinker, 4 DUI's...etc.). I had to let her go for my own sobriety. I now have friends that I can count on in the program, and actually enjoy going out.
Do you attend meetings? I have found the greatest support from women there. Hang in there and do what is right for you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Central New Jersey, USA
Posts: 1,345
I am sorry that you are going through this. It is hard enough to stay sober but to not only have no support but to have friends who have a total disregard of your issues must be torture. It does sound to me as though you need to find some new friends that you can share this new sober you with.
Good luck.
Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Hillsborough, NJ
Posts: 267
Hi Lily....
I'm not an alcoholic, but I can relate to your story...
In my experience, I once learned who my friends really were when I was in a time of need...
Now that you're no longer drinking (btw, good for you!!)
You're unfortunately starting to see your friends as they really are because
you're judgement is no longer impaired...
From what you described, these "friends" sound more like "drinking buddies" to me...
I once told my now "ex boyfriend" that if he ever stopped going to the bars, he would find out in an instant who his friends are...
When I said this to him, it reduced him to tears...
(Believe me, I was not trying to be hurtful...)
Instead, I was trying to say that if these people were "true friends", he would hear from them regardless of whether he drinks or not...
Since you're attempting to make some very important changes in your life, do you think it's in your best interest to continue being around this particular group of people?
Personally, if you were my friend and I knew you were choosing not to drink, the LAST thing I would expect from you is to hold a drink for me...
That, in my opinion is beyond inconsiderate...
I don't have as many friends as I used to either, and yes, I get lonely sometimes...
But, when I think about it, wasn't I already alone?
Just like you were when you paid $80 to be in an environment that doesn't support your goals?
I know you must be so disappointed, but it sounds like you would be much better off getting RID of these "friends"
Remember, once you "weed" the garden, the "flowers" will bloom!
Best wishes,
Linda
I'm not an alcoholic, but I can relate to your story...
In my experience, I once learned who my friends really were when I was in a time of need...
Now that you're no longer drinking (btw, good for you!!)
You're unfortunately starting to see your friends as they really are because
you're judgement is no longer impaired...
From what you described, these "friends" sound more like "drinking buddies" to me...
I once told my now "ex boyfriend" that if he ever stopped going to the bars, he would find out in an instant who his friends are...
When I said this to him, it reduced him to tears...
(Believe me, I was not trying to be hurtful...)
Instead, I was trying to say that if these people were "true friends", he would hear from them regardless of whether he drinks or not...
Since you're attempting to make some very important changes in your life, do you think it's in your best interest to continue being around this particular group of people?
Personally, if you were my friend and I knew you were choosing not to drink, the LAST thing I would expect from you is to hold a drink for me...
That, in my opinion is beyond inconsiderate...
I don't have as many friends as I used to either, and yes, I get lonely sometimes...
But, when I think about it, wasn't I already alone?
Just like you were when you paid $80 to be in an environment that doesn't support your goals?
I know you must be so disappointed, but it sounds like you would be much better off getting RID of these "friends"
Remember, once you "weed" the garden, the "flowers" will bloom!
Best wishes,
Linda
Last edited by Diva76; 01-04-2013 at 06:17 PM. Reason: Another typo ;(
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,502
Gosh, Lilly, that sounds really sad and hard.
In all honesty, those people don't sound like 'friends' to me. It doesn't sound like they are offering support and care to you, which a friend should do. Have you suggested meeting them for coffee in the daytime, as a chance to hangout with no alcohol around? It might be that you need to step back from these friends for awhile.
In all honesty, those people don't sound like 'friends' to me. It doesn't sound like they are offering support and care to you, which a friend should do. Have you suggested meeting them for coffee in the daytime, as a chance to hangout with no alcohol around? It might be that you need to step back from these friends for awhile.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 155
Thank you all for understanding. I know deep down that you are right and they are drinking buddies. I guess its just a hard realization to make, I've never been one to deal with change very well and a whole lot has been changing! This is just another thing I have to put in my past and not to be so dramatic, but its all very hard. I truely thought I could stay friends with them, but over the past week I'm just realizing I don't like how I feel around them anymore.
I have met so many amazing people in AA, but I am very shy person so its tough for me to meet people in general. But now that I know I'm committed I think I'll make a better effort at reaching out to the women in AA and building friendships from there.
I have met so many amazing people in AA, but I am very shy person so its tough for me to meet people in general. But now that I know I'm committed I think I'll make a better effort at reaching out to the women in AA and building friendships from there.
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