New to the forum but been in this place too many times before.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 12
New to the forum but been in this place too many times before.
Hi all, firstly I want to apologise for any errors in my posts, I am typing on my phone and I'm sure we all know how much of a pain predictive text can be.
I want to get a few things off my chest and am looking for a honest opinions from all even though I'm sure I know the answer already.
I suppose I should outline where I'm struggling. For the past 8 years now I have been battling on and off with alcohol and drugs. I have drank since my early teen, never moderately, almost always to excess. My mid-teens saw me getting involved in taking drugs. Usual story, smoked a lot of pot and went on to dabbling in pretty much every "party drug" going. Speed, coke, ecstasy, acid...the list goes on. I suffered from psychotic episodes after too many years of excessive partying, I lost the respect of many loved ones and I sought help.
It wasn't easy, as I'm sure you're all aware, essentially jumping ship and finding myself in the deep, wide sea all alone. It was at this point I started drinking more heavily. I don't want to go on and on, but eventually I was finding myself drinking on average of 2 litres of spirits a day. This resulted in me losing my job, getting pushed out of University and again, distancing myself from my family. So, again, I jumped into the ocean, all alone.
Now, the last 3 years have been spent free of hard drugs, with the occasional toke on a reefer even though I hate how it makes me feel. Drink wise, well, I was sober for 8 months or so. Counting the days never helped me. I reached a point that I was certain I could drink responsibly, and I did for a while. 3 months ago I left a relationship that wasn't doing me any good. Long, irrelevant story. One week later, I lost someone extremely important to me to cancer. I'm sure you can guess. Within another week I was onto 2 litres some day. Within 7 weeks I'd spent around £1000 on drink, and I'm a greedy drunk, I don't share. I knew I had to stop it and I did. I told myself no more until Christmas. That way, I could continue to believe I was a social drinker. That I could control myself. That I was normal.
I'm not normal. I went the period of abstinence, as tough as it was. Christmas came and went and I drank too much, telling myself "It's Christmas. You can control this". Then came New Year and I decided to go party with friends for the first NYE in 3-4 years. Cue the obligatory binge and here I am, January 3rd, still hungover. Last night I was in a place resembling my lowest points mentally.
In the past I've done the counselling, been to meetings and support groups. I know enough to know that you don't have to do something every day for it to constitute a problem.
My question is this. I have a problem don't I?
I want to get a few things off my chest and am looking for a honest opinions from all even though I'm sure I know the answer already.
I suppose I should outline where I'm struggling. For the past 8 years now I have been battling on and off with alcohol and drugs. I have drank since my early teen, never moderately, almost always to excess. My mid-teens saw me getting involved in taking drugs. Usual story, smoked a lot of pot and went on to dabbling in pretty much every "party drug" going. Speed, coke, ecstasy, acid...the list goes on. I suffered from psychotic episodes after too many years of excessive partying, I lost the respect of many loved ones and I sought help.
It wasn't easy, as I'm sure you're all aware, essentially jumping ship and finding myself in the deep, wide sea all alone. It was at this point I started drinking more heavily. I don't want to go on and on, but eventually I was finding myself drinking on average of 2 litres of spirits a day. This resulted in me losing my job, getting pushed out of University and again, distancing myself from my family. So, again, I jumped into the ocean, all alone.
Now, the last 3 years have been spent free of hard drugs, with the occasional toke on a reefer even though I hate how it makes me feel. Drink wise, well, I was sober for 8 months or so. Counting the days never helped me. I reached a point that I was certain I could drink responsibly, and I did for a while. 3 months ago I left a relationship that wasn't doing me any good. Long, irrelevant story. One week later, I lost someone extremely important to me to cancer. I'm sure you can guess. Within another week I was onto 2 litres some day. Within 7 weeks I'd spent around £1000 on drink, and I'm a greedy drunk, I don't share. I knew I had to stop it and I did. I told myself no more until Christmas. That way, I could continue to believe I was a social drinker. That I could control myself. That I was normal.
I'm not normal. I went the period of abstinence, as tough as it was. Christmas came and went and I drank too much, telling myself "It's Christmas. You can control this". Then came New Year and I decided to go party with friends for the first NYE in 3-4 years. Cue the obligatory binge and here I am, January 3rd, still hungover. Last night I was in a place resembling my lowest points mentally.
In the past I've done the counselling, been to meetings and support groups. I know enough to know that you don't have to do something every day for it to constitute a problem.
My question is this. I have a problem don't I?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Des Moines IA
Posts: 377
Tough 8 years there. I counted 29 reasons in your post that indicate you have a problem, which is not bad for 8 paragraphs.
It does you zero good if 152 people see a problem and it's not made itself clear to you over the years. Only your opinion counts.
If the indicators to this point aren't yet coming through clearly, what do you think it's likely to take?
It does you zero good if 152 people see a problem and it's not made itself clear to you over the years. Only your opinion counts.
If the indicators to this point aren't yet coming through clearly, what do you think it's likely to take?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 12
One thing I'm struggling with is labelling myself. Maybe it's just that I don't want to admit to it and instead am hoping someone will say "Alcoholic? No way, you just have a problem with alcohol abuse. Man up kid."
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Des Moines IA
Posts: 377
Sometimes labeling something also explains a lot about it.
You make sense one way.
In other ways it's all very confusing and mixed up and how could this happen when that happened and it's all a swirling blending of unconnected facts and head spinning circumstances that leave you with only more questions.
I'm with Sherlock on this one. Toss out what doesn't fit and you are left with the truth.
You make sense one way.
In other ways it's all very confusing and mixed up and how could this happen when that happened and it's all a swirling blending of unconnected facts and head spinning circumstances that leave you with only more questions.
I'm with Sherlock on this one. Toss out what doesn't fit and you are left with the truth.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Welcome to SR.
Yes. And you're right, you knew the answer already. The bigger question, what are you going to do about it?
Originally Posted by DelBoy 
My question is this. I have a problem don't I?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 12
If I can take solace from anything it's that I have been able to recognise this before it got further out of hand. The past few days have been horrendous, physically and especially mentally. Spent last night going out of my mind, torturing myself with everything that went wrong with my ex and even looking at her profile on a social network site for people into BDSM. Waking up every couple of hours in puddles of sweat, images from the most vivid dreams burnt into my mind, mainly all of them of her. Tuesday I was too ill to do anything, Wednesday all I wanted was to crawl into bed with a litre of rum and today has been just as bad.
Suppose no matter how bad the next few weeks/months are going to be, perseverance will ultimately result in a better feeling than going through all of this again. I just look forward to being able to leave my bed/couch. I honestly don't feel as though I have it in me to face the world at this moment in time. Physically I feel as though I'm constantly on the verge of crapping my pants. Mentally I can't face anyone, even though I hate my own company when I'm like this.
Suppose no matter how bad the next few weeks/months are going to be, perseverance will ultimately result in a better feeling than going through all of this again. I just look forward to being able to leave my bed/couch. I honestly don't feel as though I have it in me to face the world at this moment in time. Physically I feel as though I'm constantly on the verge of crapping my pants. Mentally I can't face anyone, even though I hate my own company when I'm like this.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Des Moines IA
Posts: 377
You're working your way through a lot of memories, putting facts together and for those who pursue the truth and don't stop short with more paletable half-truths it can be a long process.
If you decide you are going to try your best to no longer delude and blind yourself, after a while you won't be asking people to tell you what you already know.
Might happen soon, maybe later. One thing is sure, if you don't make it all the way you'll be supplied with many further clues as you puzzle this one out.
If you decide you are going to try your best to no longer delude and blind yourself, after a while you won't be asking people to tell you what you already know.
Might happen soon, maybe later. One thing is sure, if you don't make it all the way you'll be supplied with many further clues as you puzzle this one out.
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
AA worked for me.
From the AA promises.
"No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and selfpity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows."
From the AA promises.
"No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and selfpity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows."
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 12
AA doesn't do it for me. The whole accepting that a greater being in some way controls me, although I'm not opposed to spirituality, doesn't was with me. Also, the hand holding and reciting the payer at the end really isn't my bag. I find it hard to be around people I know well, holding the hand of a stranger is a no no.
instant
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Australia
Posts: 5,711
All this has interfered with your life and your relationship with yourself.
How was it going when you were sober for 8 months?
Life got easier for me once I took the option of drinking off the table.
Give yourself a chance while you can
How was it going when you were sober for 8 months?
Life got easier for me once I took the option of drinking off the table.
Give yourself a chance while you can
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 12
I accept I need to change. Not only that, I want to change and I want to be in it for the long stretch, no more kidding myself that I can control myself. I lay awake at night wishing I had some terminal illness, just because I'm to chicken to take it into my own hands. I dread the initial steps of sobriety with the thought of it being never again. I need support but am very much a reclusive person and shut myself sway, crawling into my bed and into my head, into the darkest recesses.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,432
Hi Del Boy - welcome
i think labels can be obstacles sometimes - it's much more beneficial for me to say 'do I have a problem - if yes - what am I going to do about it'
From your username you must be in the UK
SMART might be a better fit for you
SMART Recovery - SMART Recovery UK
you might also find Rational Recovery useful.
I recommend you visit the Secular Connections forum if you think you may benefit from a non 12 step approach.
It doesn't have to be that way - I've done abstinence by changing nothing in my life but not drinking.
It was a miserable experience.
For me a strong recovery is not only to stop drinking but to be happy in the sober life I build after that.
2 stage process
D
i think labels can be obstacles sometimes - it's much more beneficial for me to say 'do I have a problem - if yes - what am I going to do about it'
From your username you must be in the UK
SMART might be a better fit for you
SMART Recovery - SMART Recovery UK
you might also find Rational Recovery useful.
I recommend you visit the Secular Connections forum if you think you may benefit from a non 12 step approach.
My 8 months dry were possibly the most uneventful 8 months of my life.
It was a miserable experience.
For me a strong recovery is not only to stop drinking but to be happy in the sober life I build after that.
2 stage process
D
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 28
The thing that makes me want to give up drinking is exactly what you describe...the self-loathing, depression, physical and mental exhaustion.
I want a life, I want to have a good job, earn money, have a nice house, a nice car, go on nice holidays. None of this is achievable when I am either pissed or hungover. My life turned to drugs, random sex, driving my car off my face. All of which could kill me at any moment.
You don't want to be labelled. I never drunk every day, I could go for days or week without booze then binge like a MFer leaving me hating myself, wanting to kill myself. I never thought that was an alcoholic, I thought an alcoholic (an most of society does) was someone who drank every day.
Some people need to label themselves, you don't need to have alcoholic branded on your forehead to get help mate. Do it for your own reasons and if people ask why you don't drink the instant response doesn't have to be "because I am an alcoholic"...
I've had mates who've said to me "man up"...I think it takes a true man to realise there's a problem and do something about it.
Final word of advice, STOP being so hard on yourself and beating yourself up as this is going to do nothing but make yourself feel like crap! You want to change and that shows you're heading in the right direction.
Best of luck
I want a life, I want to have a good job, earn money, have a nice house, a nice car, go on nice holidays. None of this is achievable when I am either pissed or hungover. My life turned to drugs, random sex, driving my car off my face. All of which could kill me at any moment.
You don't want to be labelled. I never drunk every day, I could go for days or week without booze then binge like a MFer leaving me hating myself, wanting to kill myself. I never thought that was an alcoholic, I thought an alcoholic (an most of society does) was someone who drank every day.
Some people need to label themselves, you don't need to have alcoholic branded on your forehead to get help mate. Do it for your own reasons and if people ask why you don't drink the instant response doesn't have to be "because I am an alcoholic"...
I've had mates who've said to me "man up"...I think it takes a true man to realise there's a problem and do something about it.
Final word of advice, STOP being so hard on yourself and beating yourself up as this is going to do nothing but make yourself feel like crap! You want to change and that shows you're heading in the right direction.
Best of luck
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