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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 1
new and at the bottom
Hi. I am new to this message board. I am now 4 days sober. I have begun attending AA meetings and am convinced that my life has completely spun out of control due to alcohol. For the past 10 years, I have gone from a sporadic drinker, to a social drinker, then to a heavy drinking about 3 years ago, and finally, now I am a blackout drinker.
I have done things that disgust me. Many of the people at the meetings I have attended would probably even be shocked to hear what I have done while drunk. My low point was 5 days ago, when I blacked out a party, had a sexual encounter with someone who I would NEVER think of being with sober, and got caught by another person at the party. Then, I proceeded to bad mouth all of my closest friends to their faces in order to make myself feel better about what I had done. Worst part is, I didnt even remember this until 2-3 days later when I began have flashbacks. I truly feel like the things I have done are unforgiveable and that I have lost friendships forever.
Anyways, at this point I feel like things can't get any worse. But, somehow, I know inside that they can indeed get worse if I continue on this path with alcohol.
Has anyone else had experiences with blacking out and destroying everything ?
I have done things that disgust me. Many of the people at the meetings I have attended would probably even be shocked to hear what I have done while drunk. My low point was 5 days ago, when I blacked out a party, had a sexual encounter with someone who I would NEVER think of being with sober, and got caught by another person at the party. Then, I proceeded to bad mouth all of my closest friends to their faces in order to make myself feel better about what I had done. Worst part is, I didnt even remember this until 2-3 days later when I began have flashbacks. I truly feel like the things I have done are unforgiveable and that I have lost friendships forever.
Anyways, at this point I feel like things can't get any worse. But, somehow, I know inside that they can indeed get worse if I continue on this path with alcohol.
Has anyone else had experiences with blacking out and destroying everything ?
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Hi and welcome cjjm 
believe it or not, you'll find a lot of us identify with your story.
I did things I look back on now and still can't believe 5, 10, 15 years later.
But I stopped...and I turned my life around...and I rediscovered the real me.
You can too - good to have you join us
D
believe it or not, you'll find a lot of us identify with your story.
I did things I look back on now and still can't believe 5, 10, 15 years later.
But I stopped...and I turned my life around...and I rediscovered the real me.
You can too - good to have you join us
D
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: pa
Posts: 297
I have blacked out and been arrested. I've blacked out only to 'awaken' from that black out while taking my first hit of crack in some alley, not even recalling how or where I got the crack. I've embarrassed myself, pissed people off, spent and lost money and done things I don't even want to post about here on an anonymous online forum because they're too horrible.
My point is, don't feel too bad - you're not alone. The important thing is you're taking the steps to remedy these problems. Feel good about yourself and leave the past behind.
My point is, don't feel too bad - you're not alone. The important thing is you're taking the steps to remedy these problems. Feel good about yourself and leave the past behind.
everything is already ok
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Melbourne Victoria Australia
Posts: 19,793
Welcome to cjjm, Most of us have stories like that and far worse. Your in the right place.
I learned to live without drugs, find myself like myself accept others and life exactly as it is and I have a life that is free easy and good often great. Yeah sure I still have my moments or days but I know that they will pass and that my addiction is not me and does not rule my life any longer.
Its all about learning these days and giving.
I learned to live without drugs, find myself like myself accept others and life exactly as it is and I have a life that is free easy and good often great. Yeah sure I still have my moments or days but I know that they will pass and that my addiction is not me and does not rule my life any longer.
Its all about learning these days and giving.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,002
Hey Cj,
Welcome and congratulations on 4 sober days.
My story was different, I was a solitary drinker... But yeah, I almost destroyed everything I held dear. Keep posting, this site can help in many ways. It saved my life.
Welcome and congratulations on 4 sober days.
My story was different, I was a solitary drinker... But yeah, I almost destroyed everything I held dear. Keep posting, this site can help in many ways. It saved my life.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 138
I can't even put into words all the awful things I did drunk I would never do sober. Most of us have been there. Commit to sobriety, change your life, and your real friends will forgive you. Remember you never have to drink again and wake up wondering what happened.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 2,849
Welcome to SR cjjm!
I too have done things that make me cringe when I think back on them while drunk. I have a horrible time with drunk dialing anyone I can think of and usually made a gigantic a** of myself every time. And that is just the tip of the ice burg of embarrassing. I'm still in a place where things I said/did cause some major depression and anxiety, but I'm finding everyday that I am sober helps me feel just one little bit better. So being sober is definitely worth the work. Hang in there. :ghug3:
I too have done things that make me cringe when I think back on them while drunk. I have a horrible time with drunk dialing anyone I can think of and usually made a gigantic a** of myself every time. And that is just the tip of the ice burg of embarrassing. I'm still in a place where things I said/did cause some major depression and anxiety, but I'm finding everyday that I am sober helps me feel just one little bit better. So being sober is definitely worth the work. Hang in there. :ghug3:
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 2,937
You don't have to ever do that again or feel like that again, if you just avoid your first drink.
If you don't have that first drink, you cannot get drunk and blackout.
You are probably feeling raw and pretty shocked with yourself just now.
Just be wary that these feelings will start to fade and then you might hear a little voice telling you its okay, you can drink again, just one or two will not hurt.
I have had numerous experiences with blacking out.
Awful experiences.
Ones that still cause me shame and guilt.
They became more unpredictable. Less alcohol was needed to have one.
I know look at a glass of wine with nothing but fear. One glass of wine could take me anywhere. It could hurt me and hurt others.
Just take it one day at a time, don't think too far ahead, come here and post and read and learn about alcohol.
I think you will soon find yourself in a better frame of mind.
Take care xxxx
If you don't have that first drink, you cannot get drunk and blackout.
You are probably feeling raw and pretty shocked with yourself just now.
Just be wary that these feelings will start to fade and then you might hear a little voice telling you its okay, you can drink again, just one or two will not hurt.
I have had numerous experiences with blacking out.
Awful experiences.
Ones that still cause me shame and guilt.
They became more unpredictable. Less alcohol was needed to have one.
I know look at a glass of wine with nothing but fear. One glass of wine could take me anywhere. It could hurt me and hurt others.
Just take it one day at a time, don't think too far ahead, come here and post and read and learn about alcohol.
I think you will soon find yourself in a better frame of mind.
Take care xxxx
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Near Rockford, IL
Posts: 90
Hello My Friend,
Those Blackouts can be frightening. I had one a long time ago at a company convention in AZ. Lots of drinking and poker one night. I guess I was pretty lit up and someone helped me back to my room - god bless them!
The next morning at Breakfast someone asked me if I remembered what I had done. I said no and started to panic because I didnt remember. They said I pushed a Senior Manager into a swimming pool.
Thankful they were pulling my leg, but that scarred the crap out of me.
________________________________________
Being Sober > Any Temptation
Those Blackouts can be frightening. I had one a long time ago at a company convention in AZ. Lots of drinking and poker one night. I guess I was pretty lit up and someone helped me back to my room - god bless them!
The next morning at Breakfast someone asked me if I remembered what I had done. I said no and started to panic because I didnt remember. They said I pushed a Senior Manager into a swimming pool.
Thankful they were pulling my leg, but that scarred the crap out of me.
________________________________________
Being Sober > Any Temptation
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Toronto
Posts: 3,195
I have done so many embarrassing, shameful things while drunk. I would have to keep drinking just to end the guilty thoughts. Getting sober and having to face my shame is tough, but I have to face the past and deal with it instead of drowning my sorrows in the very poison that caused them. I often get flashbacks triggered by something that jolts the memory and go into a panic so I know how you feel. Let's look to the future and creating happy memories.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: mo
Posts: 183
Oh shoot, yes. I've got black out drunk stories that match yours nearly to a tee, and some that were honest to God worse. When I catalog them in retrospect, the only thing that surprises me is how long it took to accept I had a problem.
The great thing is, I really haven't lost good friends that I haven't been able to mend our friendship in sobriety (some ex-boyfriends saw the nastiest of the nasty, but we don't really keep in contact, so I'll just let those ghosts lie). Friendship can be very resilient, especially if you are willing to do the work to regain trust and relationship. But first, be humble and be kind to yourself. Understand that while you are responsible for your actions, you are also in control of your future and the small choices we make each day to be better humans. The first few weeks of sobriety I literally shook with terror and guilt over the years of drinking and all of the destruction I caused. But honestly, the only one who is still affected by it deeply is me. Everyone else in those terrible memories (or non-memories) have moved on with their lives. Heal what you need to heal, but usually the worst casuality of drunk nights will be yourself.
Hugs to you! You are doing great, just keep at it and look forward to tomorrow!
The great thing is, I really haven't lost good friends that I haven't been able to mend our friendship in sobriety (some ex-boyfriends saw the nastiest of the nasty, but we don't really keep in contact, so I'll just let those ghosts lie). Friendship can be very resilient, especially if you are willing to do the work to regain trust and relationship. But first, be humble and be kind to yourself. Understand that while you are responsible for your actions, you are also in control of your future and the small choices we make each day to be better humans. The first few weeks of sobriety I literally shook with terror and guilt over the years of drinking and all of the destruction I caused. But honestly, the only one who is still affected by it deeply is me. Everyone else in those terrible memories (or non-memories) have moved on with their lives. Heal what you need to heal, but usually the worst casuality of drunk nights will be yourself.
Hugs to you! You are doing great, just keep at it and look forward to tomorrow!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Glasgow, Scotland
Posts: 59
Hiya, I'm still trying to get back myself at the moment, but I know from previous soberiety that there's always people who can identify in aa. God some of the things I've done these past few years, stealing cash, leaving threatening notes on neighbours doors, not liking certain people so going out of my way to make them hate me, abusive messages to AA members....the list is endless
End of the day people only really care about what you do today I think. I hope your mind calms down and wish you all the best.
End of the day people only really care about what you do today I think. I hope your mind calms down and wish you all the best.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 134
I've done horrible and embarrassing things while drunk. Most of us have. I nearly got committed once.
The world keeps turning, the sun rises another day, and life goes on.
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.."
The world keeps turning, the sun rises another day, and life goes on.
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.."
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,711
Oh yes...I have blacked out and done similar things and some worse. Congrats on your 4 days and hang around here as much as you can reading and posting. I attend AA too and it has been my saving grace. Have you asked someone to sponser you yet? I know it seems early but they are really great on helping you understand the program and being supportive...for me it has been anyway. You don't ever have to feel this way again about a black out. Just reach out to us or the people in AA if you have the urge to drink. welcome to sr, so glad you're here
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 61
I basically ruined my life over something I did while I was drunk while I was 23, I'm still paying for it almost 6 years later and my father died in misery over how miserable I was suffering the consequences of it, I won't even be posting what I did on here as it would likely turn me into a pariah on the website... but I will say - I've done worse than anyone one this forum and the ironic part is I didn't even break the law.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 37
In addition to all wanting to give up drinking, I think one of the common things we all share is the deep regret and humiliation of things we have done during our intoxicated years. I am sure we have all upset family, friends and colleagues, and remembered only some or very little of it, only to find out by other people what we actually said or did.
We need to stop looking backwards and start to look forwards. What's happened has happened, we can't change the past but we can change the future.
We need to stop looking backwards and start to look forwards. What's happened has happened, we can't change the past but we can change the future.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,044
I agree with Onlythelonely, we have all done or said things we regret, but we can't change what has happened.
However, we have control over what we do now and in the future.
Keep up the great work with sober days.
However, we have control over what we do now and in the future.
Keep up the great work with sober days.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,780
Welcome to the family! :ghug3 We are here to support and encourage you, not to judge you. Please forgive yourself and start your journey to a better sober life. If I can do it, so can you.
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