Head down
I was terrified at first, too. Scared I'd fail and also scared that I'd succeed. I read thousands of threads here the first few days just to keep from thinking.
Be good to yourself (eating helps, vitamins, etc.) and take it in minutes if you have to. It won't always be this way, so hang in there (and keep posting!) Glad you're back with us!
Be good to yourself (eating helps, vitamins, etc.) and take it in minutes if you have to. It won't always be this way, so hang in there (and keep posting!) Glad you're back with us!
Thank you artsoul. Today has been minute to minute. Basically stumbling through work saying "I can make it till 315" and when 315 rolls around saying 3:30. For the entire day. It's almost 11 p as I write this. My last drink was at around 5 am this morning. So not a full day yet but going to bed sober will be (assuming I can just make it and not run to the gas station for a 12 pack) will be a big accomplishment I think. I think the biggest problem today wasn't directly medical withdrawals but rather self imposes anxiety from finally breaking down and hitting what I hope will truly be my low point. I can't do this anymore
I'm really glad you are here. Keep posting, it's helping me too. I know how hard it is, and I know that pull of anxiety that is making you want to take the edge off. I'm on day 2, I'm feeling it too, BUT, look at us, here we are with others like us, we're doing good. Going to bed sober, waking up sober, not worrying about lingering beer breath at work.... it's all good stuff.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Miami, FL
Posts: 1,701
You remind me of how I used to use Law & Order. There wee many days where I would try to get through to the 1:00 airing of Law and Order...then I would try to get to the 4:00 show. Then to the 7:00 show.
Or I would play Bikaka on my computer. If I could play for a half-hour that would be a half hour I would not be calling a dealer.
Yes, it was ridiculous. But when I finally got used to feeling ridiculous, I could open up to thinking about the bigger issues. I think you are right that you need to find meaning and purpose if you are to give up drinking. But don't sweat that....meaning and purpose will come on their own as you get used to the ridiculous process of deferring drinking. Just keep practicing not drinking for however many minutes you can get away with.
I know it may not feel like it, but you are already over a big hurdle.
Or I would play Bikaka on my computer. If I could play for a half-hour that would be a half hour I would not be calling a dealer.
Yes, it was ridiculous. But when I finally got used to feeling ridiculous, I could open up to thinking about the bigger issues. I think you are right that you need to find meaning and purpose if you are to give up drinking. But don't sweat that....meaning and purpose will come on their own as you get used to the ridiculous process of deferring drinking. Just keep practicing not drinking for however many minutes you can get away with.
I know it may not feel like it, but you are already over a big hurdle.
You remind me of how I used to use Law & Order. There wee many days where I would try to get through to the 1:00 airing of Law and Order...then I would try to get to the 4:00 show. Then to the 7:00 show.
Or I would play Bikaka on my computer. If I could play for a half-hour that would be a half hour I would not be calling a dealer.
Yes, it was ridiculous. But when I finally got used to feeling ridiculous, I could open up to thinking about the bigger issues. I think you are right that you need to find meaning and purpose if you are to give up drinking. But don't sweat that....meaning and purpose will come on their own as you get used to the ridiculous process of deferring drinking. Just keep practicing not drinking for however many minutes you can get away with.
I know it may not feel like it, but you are already over a big hurdle.
Or I would play Bikaka on my computer. If I could play for a half-hour that would be a half hour I would not be calling a dealer.
Yes, it was ridiculous. But when I finally got used to feeling ridiculous, I could open up to thinking about the bigger issues. I think you are right that you need to find meaning and purpose if you are to give up drinking. But don't sweat that....meaning and purpose will come on their own as you get used to the ridiculous process of deferring drinking. Just keep practicing not drinking for however many minutes you can get away with.
I know it may not feel like it, but you are already over a big hurdle.
I actually really enjoy law and order as well. In scared to death of tv and movies though. For so long I would get home fire up something on tv and numb myself by blowing through a 12 back of high alchy content beer or the better part of a 5th of whiskey.
Actually reminds me of an anti smoking commercial here a while back. It had someone like getting dressed but doing a poor job, or cooking a meal and messing it up: learn how to "insert mindless task here " without cigarettes. I feel like the same principle applies for me but with drinking. I'm scared of activities that were always associated with alcohol. But at this point basically every thing is associate with alcohol so I need to start relearning I guess.
Actually reminds me of an anti smoking commercial here a while back. It had someone like getting dressed but doing a poor job, or cooking a meal and messing it up: learn how to "insert mindless task here " without cigarettes. I feel like the same principle applies for me but with drinking. I'm scared of activities that were always associated with alcohol. But at this point basically every thing is associate with alcohol so I need to start relearning I guess.
I am glad you keep posting, the first few days are the hardest, and I spent a lot of time on here. I called in sick on Friday, October 12th and went to see my doctor and met with a counselor, that was definitely not a pleasant weekend.
I did a race on Day 2 and realized I was not in the physical shape I needed to be, but it was called The Rugged Maniac and it was filled with difficult obstacles, felt like it was a good metaphor of what was to come.
Day 3 was my toughest, and then it started to get a little easier every day after that. Stick close to here, and find things to do at that drinking hour: Exercise, read, post and read lots on here.
I did a race on Day 2 and realized I was not in the physical shape I needed to be, but it was called The Rugged Maniac and it was filled with difficult obstacles, felt like it was a good metaphor of what was to come.
Day 3 was my toughest, and then it started to get a little easier every day after that. Stick close to here, and find things to do at that drinking hour: Exercise, read, post and read lots on here.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: mo
Posts: 183
Just be kind to yourself. This part is a struggle, but time will help wash away the guilt and give you new hope. I took it very easy for first 90 days, cherry picked social outings, read and ate well. After a while forever didn't seem so long after all.
It was a little bit of a rough night. I woke up at about 4 looking around my room thinking the last 24 hours had been a dream. It was weird internal "oh look you were just dreaming, you don't have a problem and you haven't felt like hell for the last year." Odd sensation. I got up for good now around 7am. I have trouble falling asleep without alcohol but I think if I start getting up earlier I will have an easier time falling asleep. Anyway officially at 24 hours sober. Scared for day 2 but the anxiety is quite a bit better today.
Other odd experience this morning. I don't feel appreciably better (that I can really tell) waking up not hung over. It's almost as if my body is so used to waking up feeling awful that it turns on an automatic response to waking up of feeling awful. Don't feel great, have a bit of a headache but nothing unmanageable. Thanks again for the support.
Also on a side note this is not my first time trying to stop. I am still feeling fairly awful so I don't think getting through today will be a problem. What I most fear is in a week or two when I start feeling great that I will let my guard down. This has always been the problem in the past.
Other odd experience this morning. I don't feel appreciably better (that I can really tell) waking up not hung over. It's almost as if my body is so used to waking up feeling awful that it turns on an automatic response to waking up of feeling awful. Don't feel great, have a bit of a headache but nothing unmanageable. Thanks again for the support.
Also on a side note this is not my first time trying to stop. I am still feeling fairly awful so I don't think getting through today will be a problem. What I most fear is in a week or two when I start feeling great that I will let my guard down. This has always been the problem in the past.
Way to Get back on Track!
Thank you all for the kind words. This community is always amazingly supportive and it really is so nice.
I am trying at this point to go one hour at a time. Still completely overwhelming. I'm at work stepping out every couple min to cry.
Probably the worst was this morning admitting to my gf that I had completely fallen off the wagon. Anyway I got in touch with my sponsor after a year and will be going to a meeting tonight. Again thank you all for the support. I desperately want to get sober
I am trying at this point to go one hour at a time. Still completely overwhelming. I'm at work stepping out every couple min to cry.
Probably the worst was this morning admitting to my gf that I had completely fallen off the wagon. Anyway I got in touch with my sponsor after a year and will be going to a meeting tonight. Again thank you all for the support. I desperately want to get sober
ddrayer,
Wow, I found this to be so me when I read your posts.
But for me it was only Dec. 3rd that I made the commitment and then fell off twice - once last Friday night - my last day of vacation and then New Years.
I had a few beers on other occasions because it was an old friend on vacation too and thought, wow I can control it and then realized I set myself up for failure by opening the door. Now I know that it is a 'no go' at all if I want this healthy lifestyle to work. I just turned 41 and have been a social party binger. 20 years of no good and many hangovers and feeling sick. I think I am actually developing an allergy or maybe it is the disease progressing because the hangovers are unbearable. I can't sleep them off anymore and get so emotional it is crazy. I felt so bad on New Years day and was on here chatting and looking at posts. I feel so much better today. I know tomorrow I will feel even better. I appreciate your courage to come back and even contact your sponsor and go to a meeting. That is facing it head-on.
I wish you the best and I remember someone once said to me (referring to life stress) - sometimes you have to take it one minute at a time. I got some good advice on here too realizing that I can't be around it at all right now and have to make 'preventative' choices. Live and Learn, right?
Keep posting so we can support each other.
Here's to a sober 2013!
Hi ddrayer, just checking in to say hello and have a good day! Hang in tough, you can do it! What you said about going swimming is an EXCELLENT idea. Get yourself to the pool and JUST DO IT, even if you don't feel like it. It will give you a rush of positive energy and strength for your meeting that is better than any medicine or alcohol.
Thanks Inparticular! Woke up with a bit of a fuzzy head so I took the dogs for a walk. It was drizzling and I am so out of shape its pathetic. Can't say I really enjoyed it but I didn't hate it either so that's something! I am actually looking forward to the meeting tonight. Student group so a young crowd. I am still a graduate student working full time. Not that my life is in a good place, but I am blessed that god has somehow allowed me to try to get things figured out while still in a place where I have a job and haven't been kicked out of school. The school thing I am teetering on the edge and work is starting show strains of my addiction.
I started my job part time in my last period of sobriety. Man when I am sober I can work 12 hours a day with no problem and am constantly productive. That earned me a full time position. Unfortunately I haven't had a sober day that I can recall since I started and the lack of productivity is now starting to ring some bells at work. Or at least I feel that way.
I don't know if I should let this thread die now and find other places to post or what? I am thankful for all the kind words, but I feel as if I am monopolizing everyones time with this thread and keeping it current.
I started my job part time in my last period of sobriety. Man when I am sober I can work 12 hours a day with no problem and am constantly productive. That earned me a full time position. Unfortunately I haven't had a sober day that I can recall since I started and the lack of productivity is now starting to ring some bells at work. Or at least I feel that way.
I don't know if I should let this thread die now and find other places to post or what? I am thankful for all the kind words, but I feel as if I am monopolizing everyones time with this thread and keeping it current.
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