Imustdothis

Hi, I failed miserably at New Years' eve and because I felt guilty I downed two bottles of wine last night. However I am now determined not to drink throughout January at least (and hopefully for longer). I know my 13 year old son will appreciate getting his real mum back instead of the person he himself says he does not recognise (when I drink).
My problem is that I am invited to dinner with friends on both Friday and Saturday. These are fun people who drink perhaps a bit more than they should occasionally .. but are not in my league in term of the quantities they put back (FYI noone I know is in my league- all my friends drink relatively moderately). How do I get through the dinner parties ? (which I want to go to ). What do i say ? How in God's name will I be able to resist having a glass of wine (or 10) . Advice please !

MIRecovery

Recovery is about change. We simply can not be the person we were. People, places, and things need to be modified especially in early sobritey.

I did not go to any places where alcohol was present for the first year and the world somehow got along without me.

To this day I put nothing, absolutely nothing ahead of my sobriety because my sobriety is the foundation of the great life I now enjoy,

TorontoGuy28

Avoid places/people/situations that remind you of drinking for the first 3 - 6 months of your sobriety.

Until you accept the fact that you are powerless over alcohol, nothing will change. I stayed in this cycle for good 5 years...You must be willing to do whatever it takes to get and STAY sober...

Sobriety must come first. Always.

Today, with having almost 2 years of continuous sobriety, I attend all dinner parties, sporting events etc. where there is drinking - I do not miss it at all, have a great time without booze.... I gained a new sense of freedom !

Best of luck.

BillyPilgrim

I second that.
You realise that the world we live in is alcohol centred. Whilst smoking is frowned on, alcohol is not
That is partly why we have a greater stigma to overcome, giving up smoking is welcomed, you are questioned if you give up the booze

Honesty is the best policy.
I say initially "I have had my fair share" if asked why I dont drink
if pressed I will tell them I have an issue, and if cornered I will say I am an alcoholic

I couldnt care less, the one thing I have learned over the past year is you realise who your real friends are.
The rest you can do without.

Jeni26

My initial reaction would be to decline invitations for a while.

There was no way I could have carried on in my old routine when I first quit. I had to change everything especially those activities which presented temptation.
I'm now 7 months sober, but it wasn't until the last month that I felt solid enough to associate with my old friends and went to a couple of parties, out for meals etc and was truly happy to remain sober.

You might have stronger resolve than I did though x

Xune

It does not seem that you have your recovery under any auspice of control.

That being said, your recovery must come first and it does not seem that what you have been doing is working.

In fact, it has not worked.

Seeing as it has not worked, what are you going to do different so that you remain sober and respect your recovery?

If you have no idea how to resist having a glass of wine at a dinner party, why on earth would you even consider going?

Either you want to be sober or you don't. If you do, you will have to make some changes in your life, even if it means occasionaly missing dinner parties.

Yeah?

Missy7

I really understand your position, and I have spent a lot of time in this twilight of knowing I must stop drinking but not being sure--setting sobriety periods, etc. But if you are out-drinking everyone, well, we both know you have to stop. I'm just the same. And alcohol is omnipresent. And wine is just a social fluid, so we just keep it going. But I want to be someone else now, don't you?

So I respect the recommendations that you not go to these parties, but that is not the easiest thing to do. One of my daughters lives quite a ways away from us and she was in town yesterday. She has a new partner and they are in the early, partying stage of their relationship. Yesterday she called and offered us some time--which I had to take--despite my carefully constructed afternoon (I had bought some shelves at Ikea and thought installing them would keep me out of trouble).

She recommended a place that is primarily a bar. We would have started with a couple of beers and pool and ended having a philosophical conversation and competitively drinking shots and I would be sick today and on here desperate. My kidneys (and liver?) would hurt, my heart would be racing, and I would be waiting for night to fall before even putting on my shoes.

Instead I recommended dim sum. We had noodles and tea and played a table game. Hubby paid the bill so I can only assume we paid less. The calories were probably about the same and the partner doesn't think I'm always a freakin' lush. I walked out feeling like a lady rather than ... well ... you know.

But if you cannot avoid these parties, pick up four big bottles of pellegrino limon and offer them to your host(ess). Offer to open them come time to sit down to the meal and station a bottle near you. Keep your glass full. Be elegant.

If you, like I, always drink the most, people know it. They will respect you for not drinking and you will be the most witty person at the table.

Good luck--to both of us.

Anna

Change is crucial in early recovery. I stayed away from alcohol and people who were drinking for many months. I had to.

miamifella

Why not just be up front and say that you just stopped drinking and do not want to be around wine for awhile? When I stopped drinking my friends were pretty happy to leave alcohol out of our time together. I bet your friends will be happy to have dinners without wine.

It eventually got so annoying that I had to tell them it was okay to drink around me.

Missy7

I haven't shared my need to quit because my personal and professional lives are intertwined and I do not want people feeling bad around me--or second-guessing me. While I have not been terribly successful before, I will be. And when I do that change will become part of me. It will come from me--alone--and it will not affect the decisions of those around me.

Probably a tough plan of attack, but there it is.

north

I don't know if it'll help any in your decision-making, but there is a high probability that within your network of friends, there are at least 2 or 3 people who will be quietly trying to do the same - abstaining from alcohol. Their reasons might be slightly different - for example, taking a break from the over-eating and drinking that occurred over the Christmas holidays. I have a friend who always goes on the wagon for Lent. They might not be visible but may be also bowing out of parties and other social engagements focused around drinking. Just knowing this might help you in your own campaign to kick the habit.

miamifella

I also had an intertwined personal and professional life, which is why I had to be upfront.

Nobody felt bad around me...in part because I took the lead. I let my addiction be the subject of humor and made it clear that I was full of hope. That let those around me know how to treat the issue.

Now to be fair, I was never a heavy drinker, so this may have been easier for me.

TTBABP

December 1, 2012 was my quit date so I have just gotten through the holidays without drinking. Most of the gatherings were easy because there were so many people no one really noticed that I was not drinking. Only one night during the holidays was hard because there were only six people and all of them know I like my wine ALOT. I do not want to tell these people yet that I have given up drinking. So I told them I was on painkillers and couldn't drink. That seemed to work fine.

I am more concerned with the fact you don't know how you will resist the wine. Although I was a bit concerned going out over the holidays - deep down I was certain that I would be able to resist and I did. If you really don't think you can handle it, I must echo the other advice that you don't go. Make up an excuse until you have more time under your belt and can handle it better.

Whatever you do decide - good luck - don't drink.

ReadyAtLast

I agree with others.I think you seriously need to question yourself-if you know you won't be able to resist then going is a very bad idea. Effectively you are saying you are going to the dinner party and will drink alcohol. Surely it's best not to go?

Dee74

I stayed away from dinner parties for a year Imustdothis - probably didn't need to be that long but when I went I had no problems....I was secure in my recovery and in wanting to stay sober, and I knew nothing or noone could change that.

Like others have said - if we want change we need to make changes.
If you're not at that secure in your recovery point, I'd suggest not going - there'll be other dinner parties

D

AlwaysGrowing

Uh! Don't Go....

When I fist sobered up I just passed and didn't go. 21 years later and still sober I just don't go. That simple. WE have a choice.

AG

Johno1967

I started drinking at 18 in the Army because it was the done thing and to be accepted meant to work hard and play hard. You were seen as an odd ball if you didn't drink and did not fit in. This need to be accepted fueled my alcoholic obsession for the next 25 years. Alcohol was also an important part of my work and lifestyle. By the time I got married and had kids, booze had taken over. I just adapted to changing circumstances to continue that love affair.
I was stumped how I would function in social settings and could not see myself in a pub, restaurant or party without a drink. The reality is, those people who said "you don't need alcohol to have a good time", were right. Call it inner strength, resolve or as I have come to believe, my HP, but you can say no in any setting. You say "no thanks, not tonight". People will respect your decision to not have one. Its your choice, not anyone else what goes into your body. Say no because you want to and not because you have to and you will feel in charge, in control and very pleased with yourself. Then get up and have a good time.

escapist

I can't chance it. I will not go anywhere that there is drinking. I am an alcoholic and quitting was almost impossible for me. I still can't believe I have made it this far. Sobriety is good even if it's hard to find.

Vantrina

Imustdothis, I didn't shy away so much from social gatherings, but I would plan ahead in terms of thinking what I would drink at a party (what I would order). I had to absolutely "play the tape through" and decide before I got anywhere what I would be ordering and what my escape plan would be if I needed one.

I would go for the diet coke or the ginger ale or my lifeline, the Pellegrino. I have a thing for glassware, so even if I was drinking a soda, I would load it with ice and drink it in a wine glass or goblet. I would request that if we were at a house party.

Some of my response lines on the few times I was questioned about why I wasn't drinking were, "It just doesn't agree with me anymore." or "I'll just take a seltzer/Pellegrino/Diet Coke, thanks." No need to give tmi. People will respect your for not drinking.

I had someone tell me once they thought it was cool that I had the discipline to not drink. (I've also lost what I thought were good friendships because I am sober, but I've learned to be ok with that.)

That being said, if you feel that socializing where there is alcohol is just too much to deal with, then stay home. Tend to yourself..make yourself a priority.

Two of the most helpful bits of info I've picked up from others on this site: 1. Take things one day at a time. (Really.) 2. Play the tape through to the end. Hope this helps.

Zebra1275

If you are serious about your sobriety, you should skip the parties. I know that's hard and you really want to go. But it sounds like right now, if you go to the parties you are going to cave in and drink.

Oh, you might make it through the 2 nights of dinner parties without drinking via sheer will power. But you won't be out of the woods. After you make it through the 2 dinner parties sober you will go home and get drunk by yourself on night #3.

Don't ask me how I know this.