john1967

...because my liver began aching...not excruxiating...2/10 on the pain factor...but noticeable...and for the next 5 months, it got more noticeable...to the point where it was always there. And I got scared. So I started whittling down my intake...From a 5th a day to a pint-and-a-half to a pint and then 6 packs of beer and then a couple tallboys after work. Two days before my first physical in almost a decade, I stopped drinking. 19 days ago today on this first day of a new year. When I got the lab results back, there was one word written out on the bottom of the page by the technician, below the tell-tale numbers that said it all: 'Alcoholism'. And that was it. My MD gave me Librium for a few days. I was shaking pretty bad. I've been on low levels of Xanax since...and I know to most of you, this is "using" but at this point, all I want to do is live...Cause I'm a dead man if I resume drinking. I won't be someone with a bad habit. Or a "problem". Or a couple DUIs. No, I'll be dead. In my mid-40s.

And for someone who's had a death wish his whole life, I don't wanna die anymore. Things are going great. New job. New independence from a co-dependent alcoholic g.f..

Anyway, my eyes aren't yellow anymore. A little bloodshot but not yellow. My liver stopped hurting a couple days ago. I'm surprised how quickly my body has been healing. I'm seeing a sober-strong therapist I knew from grief days after losing my fiancee to cancer. And i'm seeing a psychiatrist soon as well. (I've been a manic depressive my whole life. Self-medicated.) I am not going to meetings. Not because I don't respect the disarmingly kind people I have met -- I have gone to many meetings, some by order of the court, some because I was trying to stay sober -- but because I don't want to think about booze anymore. I don't want to talk about it. Don't want to hear about it. For me? I simply can't drink anymore. It's over. There will be times I miss my vodka. But why dwell on it? I applaud those who find success with meetings. Yet, I need to take a different way. And it's working. I walk 5 miles each morning. Bought a hundred dollars worth of vitamins. Began calling my mother every day -- if even for a few moments. Her support has been vital to me. Loving, yet no-nonsense. And the holidays -- alone and sober -- have been anything but a walk in the park. Family across the country...Throw in a mid-age crisis-laden birthday a few days ago and I've been a walking anxiety attack...and yet...

...I wake up every day now...since *the day*...amazed with myself. Actually proud of myself for a change. Since forever. It's unfortunate it came to a health scare for me to finally put a stop to it. But I'm glad it happened or I'd be drunk right now. I don't intend for benzos to be a long-term solution but I can't go to rehab. I wasn't able to detox or be hospitalized without risking harm to my fantastic new job. So I toughed it out. And damn, it's been hard but I'm doing it. Never thought I *could* do it. Upward and onward. Happy New Year...

And thank you for the birthday card, SoberRecovery.com. The day I signed up was the last day I was here. Nice timing. And nice to meet you all.

John in LA

Saliena

Congrats... And believe me AA isntfor everyone. If I could have gotten sober on my own I would have. But forme it took AA. Remember we sr.com and AA are always here to support. Congrats again!!

Dee74

Good to see you again John - and great to hear of your progress and improvement
Happy Birthday!

D

john1967

Thank you, Saliena. And Happy Holidays...

I have lurked here a bit in recent days. Maybe SR.com can become my "meeting"?
Thanks again.

john1967

Thanks, Dee!

Auvers

Thanks for the post, sounds as if you are doing great. Wonderful to begin a new year with sobriety and the gifts it brings to our lives. Best wishes to you!

Sapling

Meetings aren't the recovery program of AA...The steps are. I like meetings....I needed recovery. Good luck on your journey...Do whatever you have to do. I lost a cousin I was close to from alcoholism...He was 43....And that didn't even stop me from drinking.

Paul123456

great stuff John, huge congrats, ive only started myself but reading your story has given me hope thank you

john1967

You can do it, Paul. And don't wait. Whatever it takes. Happy new year...

Valll

"Loving, yet no-nonsense" - love that analogy John :>)

Sounds like you have it all worked out in your head and are heading the right way :>)

Wish you all the very best.

Val

4WWWW

Hello My Friend,

You have started to make good healthy decisions. I hadn't gone to the Doctor for over 7 years and was convinced I had wrecked my liver. Stooped drinking back in Sept 2012 (106 days sober) and went to the ER complaining of abdominal pains. They did Blood and liver panel as well as a cat scan and everything came back ok. Doc said I probably dodged a Bullet. Have had a slew of other tests including a Upper GI and Colonoscopy. Diagnosed with a laundry list of problems, but nothing too major thank Goodness.

Im done drinking, taking it one day at a time. Now Im trying to deal with the trail of wreckage.

Good Luck with Your Sobriety.
__________________________________________________
Being Sober > Any Temptation

Anna

I'm glad you've made this decision and that you're willing to do the work involved in recovering.

Delilah1

Great post John, I am glad your body is beginning to recover. I think SR is a perfect place for support!

Itchy

Very glad you made a second visit! Terrific posts! AA is not the answer for all as SR membership can attest. But when hiding the problem does not work, and no self help books work in privacy, AA can be a powerful tool for those who have no insurance coverage or money for rehab and psychiatric help.

I am glad for your success thus far, and hope you continue in this new year on your road to sobriety and health!