Seeking forgiveness from myself
 

I am struggling beyond belief, I hate myself for all the pain I've caused those I love. I have a chance to have a good life but i keep ******* up I blame myself for my mothers death and I don't know how to get past that. Everyone says I need to let go- if I let go then what do I have to hold on to. I'm really trying to find a way to see positive in my life but the Demond's trapped inside of me keep me in the dark. I don't know what to do
I'm 26 I started using at 11 and was raised around drugs and drinking I thought this was normal. A part of me wants nothing more then to be a good wife and sister but I'm painfully stuck in this cold place my journey has brought me to. I am scared of actually doing my 4 th steP, i will have to face myself and accept that this was all caused by my actions I don't think I can bare to face the whole real truth in black and white I already hate myself I know it's going to tear me apart I was told I must work it to get better but I don't know if is possible

The demons inside are sometimes our addiction side talkin to us. I know it is easy to say let go, but I have had to let things go also. I can't change what happened in the past and neither can you. All we can do is apologize, move on and become the best people we can be by being sober and working on ourselves to make us better.

I am sorry you are in pain and yes it is scary to face ourselves, but you might find that you can acutally learn to love yourself. That is important for you and your family. You deserve it and so do all of us.

Welcome to SR.
I'm so sorry for the pain your in, I felt that way a year ago. There are a lot of great people here, stick around and keep posting.
The hardest thing I had to do was learn to love myself.
Remember, you are a gift.

Welcome to SR :)

i can only reflect what LadyinBC said, very wise words

i really do hope you can find happiness

Sick puppy,
I think most of us go through the same thing...I just wanted to get past the I am a loser, a f**k up, conniving, dishonest etc.

I finally let it all go...bad memories will stop your sobriety.

gigi

hi sickpuppy

I think a lot of us coming out of years of addiction have a really bad self image, and a lot of things we blame ourselves for or feel badly about.

The first thing I needed to do was put all the post mortem stuff to one side while I worked on my recovery first and foremost. I needed to be sober and in recovery to deal with my past.

Once I had that fundamental step down, I needed to accept that whatever happened happened.

I can't undo a second of it. The past is closed to me.

I can do a lot with today tho - the possibilities are nearly endless there, if I want to work hard enough.

Living good and helping others was my way of atoning for my past...I see it as a kind of living amends. You'll find your own way and own meaning I'm sure :)

The more years I live 'right' the less my past bothers me.
I can't forget my past, and I shouldn't...but it doesn't torture me or haunt me anymore....it's a part of me... and who I am and where I am now is OK.

It's amazing I can say that now cos I HATED myself. I really detested myself, all my adult life.

The other thing that recovery and living right gave me was a far clearer perspective.

I discovered I wasn't such a bad guy after all...I made mistakes for sure, and I was no saint, but many of the things I blamed myself for weren't really mine to own.

what also helped me a little was realising I didn't build up that level of self loathing over night - it took a life time really...

its ok to be gentle with yourself and work through all that baggage at your own pace, peeling things back layer by layer.

You're not alone here SP :)

D

Agreed with whatever has said... I have worked through all my steps (I do it yearly now with my sponsor)... And self love and the ability to forgive myself is hard... And takes voyage. To hate myself and no lock at the wreakagr is much easier... Only deal with what you can handle today... But don't forget you were a sick person that is now getting better. Live and love yourself.

Thank you to everyone for your feedback

Hello. I started drinking as a young teen as well and there's one thing I want to tell you about those feelings of shame and self-loathing. While you are fully responsible for yourself now that you're 26, you are NOT to blame yourself for something you did when you were 11. You mentioned you started using at that age. Of course getting addicted from such an early age can lead to some bad life choices. But kids shouldn't be exposed to drinking and drugs at age 11. You weren't able to make any fully conscious choice back then, and your subsequent behavior was (at least partly) a consequence of your addictions.

I'm not saying you should hate your family/friends for exposing you to narcotics at age 11; if anything, you might find solace in eventually forgiving them. But you should also realize that you cannot hate yourself over a descent into addiction that started when you were way too young to understand what was going on and to form a mature, responsible opinion on it.

You're still very young at 26, and now you decided to take control. That's what matters. You'll get to the point when you want to make amends, but don't underestimate the fact that you were led into drink and drugs at eleven. Don't use it as a justification, but don't take it out of the picture either. It's not fair to yourself.

I so understand. It's an awful place to be. I'm still in the self loathing, not wanting to live or feel or face anything stage too :(. The 4th step is a biggie. I did one years ago but alot was missed.

I do know there's hope and it starts with not using and pushing through the pain x