Pissed away a year
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: England
Posts: 405
Pissed away a year
I have not been able to find a way to stop.
I did type some winging circumstances and deleted them.
It has most definately been the worst year. I don't think it's possible to be worse. It ticks all the right boxes on the miserable checklist. Lost job, girlfriend, death of parents, How does life become harder?
Well, there were the winging circumstances. I have been off for a week or two here and there. I came back from a professional mediical job abroad to sort it out, but the year has been a fail.
I have just pissed away a whole year. A whole year of nothing but drinking day and night. I'm completely ashamed and find it difficult to comprehend where the last year has gone. Everyday I promise will be different and I will for change, but it has been the same.
I have been to the depths I'm sure of it. I've coward on the floor with the withdrawals wishing I was dead, all of what I had has gone and I have had that moment where I know enough is enough a few times. Yet, it happens over and over.
I know it's a recovery website and so I have refrained for posting whilst I have been drinking. But, I need to find a way to stop, I need to find something, or next year willl be a sorry repeat of the last.
I am pretty much at my wits end, I'm sorry for posting that, but maybe someone will take something from the post.
I did type some winging circumstances and deleted them.
It has most definately been the worst year. I don't think it's possible to be worse. It ticks all the right boxes on the miserable checklist. Lost job, girlfriend, death of parents, How does life become harder?
Well, there were the winging circumstances. I have been off for a week or two here and there. I came back from a professional mediical job abroad to sort it out, but the year has been a fail.
I have just pissed away a whole year. A whole year of nothing but drinking day and night. I'm completely ashamed and find it difficult to comprehend where the last year has gone. Everyday I promise will be different and I will for change, but it has been the same.
I have been to the depths I'm sure of it. I've coward on the floor with the withdrawals wishing I was dead, all of what I had has gone and I have had that moment where I know enough is enough a few times. Yet, it happens over and over.
I know it's a recovery website and so I have refrained for posting whilst I have been drinking. But, I need to find a way to stop, I need to find something, or next year willl be a sorry repeat of the last.
I am pretty much at my wits end, I'm sorry for posting that, but maybe someone will take something from the post.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Washington
Posts: 879
Jim, by the time I got sober I had pissed away so many good years 
drinking all day, drinking on the way to work, drinking at the grocery store, wrecking cars, blacking out daily...
You can go on & on mad at yourself but in the end you need to ACT. Change. You can do it and you can do it now. One day I finally looked in the mirror & realized I was going to die a gross old drunk & thankfully, it was my wake up. I was desperate and out of control and I admitted it. It is work but I am so thankful for it all now.
You can do it too.
drinking all day, drinking on the way to work, drinking at the grocery store, wrecking cars, blacking out daily...You can go on & on mad at yourself but in the end you need to ACT. Change. You can do it and you can do it now. One day I finally looked in the mirror & realized I was going to die a gross old drunk & thankfully, it was my wake up. I was desperate and out of control and I admitted it. It is work but I am so thankful for it all now.
You can do it too.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,504
Do one thing today that is 'taking action', just one thing.
The first thing I did was to walk a lot early in the evening when I would have been drinking. Every action that you take will have a ripple effect in your life.
The first thing I did was to walk a lot early in the evening when I would have been drinking. Every action that you take will have a ripple effect in your life.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,564
Hi Jim. So glad to see you back, & wanting to make your life better.
Like MsJax, I wasted many years in an alcoholic fog. When I joined SR I knew in my heart I needed to quit, but I wasn't quite ready. I gathered my courage and finally found the strength to stop - but it took time. You weren't ready before - it sounds like you are now. The past year wasn't a waste if it leads you to finally stopping. Please don't apologize for posting what's on your mind - that's why we're here.
Try again, Jim. You can leave the misery behind. Please keep posting, and never give up.
Like MsJax, I wasted many years in an alcoholic fog. When I joined SR I knew in my heart I needed to quit, but I wasn't quite ready. I gathered my courage and finally found the strength to stop - but it took time. You weren't ready before - it sounds like you are now. The past year wasn't a waste if it leads you to finally stopping. Please don't apologize for posting what's on your mind - that's why we're here.
Try again, Jim. You can leave the misery behind. Please keep posting, and never give up.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,044
Hi Jim,
I agree with Anna, each day do something that involves taking action not to drink. It sounds like you had a miserable year, you can choose to start off 2013 with two sober days under your belt by not drinking today.
Life will still throw difficult situations at you, but you will be able to deal with them better with a clear head.
Start by doing something tonight rather than drink. Hope to see you tomorrow for day 2.
I agree with Anna, each day do something that involves taking action not to drink. It sounds like you had a miserable year, you can choose to start off 2013 with two sober days under your belt by not drinking today.
Life will still throw difficult situations at you, but you will be able to deal with them better with a clear head.
Start by doing something tonight rather than drink. Hope to see you tomorrow for day 2.
Trudger of Happy Destiny
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Naperville, IL
Posts: 1,918
Don't be sorry or posting this at all. For me, it took a lot of misery and depression before I finally decided enough was enough. It has definitely been the best choice I have made in a long time. Life is completely exhausting when you are facing it ashamed of yesterday and fearful of tomorrow. It just doesn't have to be that way.
I definitely relate to what you are saying and feel for you. People around here will generally whatever they can to help, but you have to decide to take the plunge and commit to a new way of life and thinking, or next year will only become a repeat of last year.
All the best.
I definitely relate to what you are saying and feel for you. People around here will generally whatever they can to help, but you have to decide to take the plunge and commit to a new way of life and thinking, or next year will only become a repeat of last year.
All the best.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Keep Trying
Posts: 370
Sorry to hear this Jim. I am in no position to provide too much advice because Im still learning too, but one important key could possibly be reaching out and finding support. Can you do that? I hope so? It is so hard to do, but I think it could be key.
Re-Tread
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Meditation
Posts: 1,300
I remember you Jim. Welcome back!
I threw away More than a year since joining this website too.
The answers have been here the whole time but I still wanted to do things my way.
After my last 'incomprehensible demoralization' I finally found the willingness to do anything for sobriety. It was an ugly place to find myself but life is already looking much better.
We dont have to destroy our lives anymore.
I threw away More than a year since joining this website too.
The answers have been here the whole time but I still wanted to do things my way.
After my last 'incomprehensible demoralization' I finally found the willingness to do anything for sobriety. It was an ugly place to find myself but life is already looking much better.
We dont have to destroy our lives anymore.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 1,359
I'll join you Jim if you don't mind.
Looks like 2013 will be my day 1 as it's too late tonight/this morning.
I'm not entirely sure where it all fell apart but Christmas followed by Boxing Day birthday sure didn't help.
I need tools, I need you friends, I need to get back on track.
Here's to us Jim.
Sorry just completely hijacked your post, but didn't fancy the fanfare of my own
we can do this. It will be our year.
Looks like 2013 will be my day 1 as it's too late tonight/this morning.
I'm not entirely sure where it all fell apart but Christmas followed by Boxing Day birthday sure didn't help.
I need tools, I need you friends, I need to get back on track.
Here's to us Jim.
Sorry just completely hijacked your post, but didn't fancy the fanfare of my own
we can do this. It will be our year.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 1,359
Originally Posted by Dee74 
Hope you didn't think you'd slip in unnoticed MTN 
good to see you too - and I hope you'll lay your shovel down too...
D
good to see you too - and I hope you'll lay your shovel down too...
D
yes, quietly trying to sneak back in.
It is time to stop digging. Time to start laying the foundations now for some building because if nothing else, this is pants.
I shall explore more on that when I'm in a better frame of mind, but it's good to see you too Dee
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: San Diego
Posts: 4,451
Originally Posted by JimJim
It has most definately been the worst year.
Originally Posted by JimJim
I don't think it's possible to be worse.
That said—and this is the most important thing I want to say—you should keep reading and posting even if you're drinking. In fact, especially if you're drinking. Your addiction wants you to isolate. That's the first chain you need to break, Jim.
You can do it. All of us can.
Re-Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Colorado Springs, Colorado
Posts: 7,583
Jim,
You said "I need to find a way to stop, I need to find something, or next year willl be a sorry repeat of the last." I am going to address that, and hope you have a better 2013 sober to boot!
Did you use anything other than just willpower? I had to use medical inpatient detox, Docs, AA, here on SR, counseling, friends and family, online reading in SMART, and all of those for the first three months without fail, so I didn't fail. I was great after three months and now just use SR. It has worked for quite awhile for me. But it took more than words to get sober and stay that way. See, I drank from wake up to passing out, and every morning I would have to drink first to stop the shakes.
I know how you feel. Until I dropped all my conditions (I will stop drinking but I can't or won't do this or that, for this reason or that, and can't stay quit if this or that happens) I quit every morning for my last two years of drunkenness. Then when I could get a coffee down with no scotch in it, I rewarded myself by having a double shot in my second coffee to celebrate my will power to quit . . . tomorrow. Every day I did not quit, I said about what you just did. I am also sorry you had a tough year. My brother, two years younger died just a month after I quit in October 2010. Then I could not get to his funeral when my connecting flight broke in Dallas and there were no more flights in time for the next day. He didn't drink or smoke like I did, and I am older! He ran three times a week and was in good shape muscle wise and no flab on him like me. After calling and letting them know I would not be making it to his funeral, from the airport before returning home, I said a little prayer for him and told him that now he knows what I put myself through. I told him not to worry because I wasn't going to drink over losing him, and I was re-dedicating my sobriety to his memory. Then two weeks later my first cousin who I grew up with and was my age died suddenly too of a heart attack. Now it was for two. I had to live for them and their kids. Drunk uncles do no one any good.
Life does not get rosy sober, nor worse. It is what it is, good and bad. But I can deal with what has to be dealt with and accept what I can't much more clearly sober.
Drinking is the only nightmare we try to go back to, and stay with, like we do with a good dream. All the other nightmares we wake up for and don't want to go back to. I stopped this nightmare by getting all the help I needed, and then some. Once sober for a good long time, I could drop what I didn't need anymore. You can too. It does not sound like continued drunkenness is your choice here. Is it?
If not then what have you not tried, all at once, to kick alcoholism in the butt? Whatever you are using, whatever logic and reason, isn't working is it?
You asked "How does life become harder?" By keeping on. You are at your wit's end. So are you in AA, doing SMART? AVRT and got the book? Have you read your personal doctor in on your situation in full with full disclosure? Have you detoxed with medical help in patient or out? Have you gone to rehab? If not, then what, where, when, and how? I needed the jump start from in patient 7 day detox. Then everything else. What haven't you tried yet ?
You said "I need to find a way to stop, I need to find something, or next year willl be a sorry repeat of the last." I am going to address that, and hope you have a better 2013 sober to boot!
Did you use anything other than just willpower? I had to use medical inpatient detox, Docs, AA, here on SR, counseling, friends and family, online reading in SMART, and all of those for the first three months without fail, so I didn't fail. I was great after three months and now just use SR. It has worked for quite awhile for me. But it took more than words to get sober and stay that way. See, I drank from wake up to passing out, and every morning I would have to drink first to stop the shakes.
I know how you feel. Until I dropped all my conditions (I will stop drinking but I can't or won't do this or that, for this reason or that, and can't stay quit if this or that happens) I quit every morning for my last two years of drunkenness. Then when I could get a coffee down with no scotch in it, I rewarded myself by having a double shot in my second coffee to celebrate my will power to quit . . . tomorrow. Every day I did not quit, I said about what you just did. I am also sorry you had a tough year. My brother, two years younger died just a month after I quit in October 2010. Then I could not get to his funeral when my connecting flight broke in Dallas and there were no more flights in time for the next day. He didn't drink or smoke like I did, and I am older! He ran three times a week and was in good shape muscle wise and no flab on him like me. After calling and letting them know I would not be making it to his funeral, from the airport before returning home, I said a little prayer for him and told him that now he knows what I put myself through. I told him not to worry because I wasn't going to drink over losing him, and I was re-dedicating my sobriety to his memory. Then two weeks later my first cousin who I grew up with and was my age died suddenly too of a heart attack. Now it was for two. I had to live for them and their kids. Drunk uncles do no one any good.
Life does not get rosy sober, nor worse. It is what it is, good and bad. But I can deal with what has to be dealt with and accept what I can't much more clearly sober.
Drinking is the only nightmare we try to go back to, and stay with, like we do with a good dream. All the other nightmares we wake up for and don't want to go back to. I stopped this nightmare by getting all the help I needed, and then some. Once sober for a good long time, I could drop what I didn't need anymore. You can too. It does not sound like continued drunkenness is your choice here. Is it?
If not then what have you not tried, all at once, to kick alcoholism in the butt? Whatever you are using, whatever logic and reason, isn't working is it?
You asked "How does life become harder?" By keeping on. You are at your wit's end. So are you in AA, doing SMART? AVRT and got the book? Have you read your personal doctor in on your situation in full with full disclosure? Have you detoxed with medical help in patient or out? Have you gone to rehab? If not, then what, where, when, and how? I needed the jump start from in patient 7 day detox. Then everything else. What haven't you tried yet ?
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