feels like an upcoming relapse - any ideas?
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 41
feels like an upcoming relapse - any ideas?
Substance abuse is not the only problem but it seems like the source of everything, so... here's my story.
I think that I'm an addict since years - I just controlled that situation and I was able to keep it hidden (so far). I haven't been caught in the act, or something like that - so I denied it for years. I've had breaks in using when I tried to live without drugs, but usually it lasted no more that six months.
I thought that I'm clever and strong. I - still - was successful at the university. I thought that I managed the situation and I will quit when I will want. I didn't have friends (because I was convinced that I don't need anybody), or a serious partner. I've had relationships, but my record is four months. Then I just dumped my partners - every time. I broke some hearts. I didn't care.
Problems arised in 2009. Family + university + ending up another relationship (this time with a sense of guilt). I had a serious crisis. Depression - a doctor said. I did drugs, I drank, I hurt myself, I didn't leave home except from parties (just to have sex) and to get another drugs. I didn't attend to classes - so they threw me away from studies. That self-destructive trance ended up with a suicide attempt. But still - I kept addiction in secret. All that time nobody knew who I really was.
I was never the same after that. Something broke inside. But I repeated a year at studies and I got a chance to get another degree. I thought that I'm going to be fine again - then everything started to fall apart. I realized that I can't study anymore, that maybe I never wanted that, maybe I even hate that. I started to feel worse and worse, I couldn't write thesis so I knew that eventually they're gonna throw me away again, and this time I won't survive this. Studying was always my everything...
That's when I met HER. She's different from the others. We became friends. She was good to me and the more she knew me - the more she wanted to help me. For the first time in my life I didn't want to be a liar. I wanted to be honest, open. I just couldn't. But she stayed - even if I was a cold jerk so many times. She teached me a lot about tenderness. She became close to me, but not so abruptly. Something changed.
I wasn't able to cope with that normally. A thought that I actually care about her and maybe I love her was scary. A thought that she will find out how weak am I and leave me was hard to bear. I did more drugs and I started to mix them. I got back to drinking - everything to cope with the day at the univeristy, and to kill feelings that I didn't understand. One day at January I was so stupid that I probably overdosed. I woke up next day, at the floor. It took me a while to remember my own name and to figure out what happened. I got scared. I realized that I could die. I talked that day with her and she noticed that something was wrong with me. She started to ask questions. I wanted to leave but she didn't let me. I gave up and I told her everything. Surprisingly she didn't reject me. I don't do drugs since that day. I'm trying to treat myself better just for her. I don't want to worry her anymore.
I finished studying. I just got a job. Everything should be okay. It was - for a long time, until she faced her problems and she started to need my help and support. I'm doing my best, but it's not enough. I just can't watch her suffering. I'm helpless. It breaks me. I don't know how to deal with these emotions. It feels like an upcoming relapse. Honestly. Like I already lost it. Like I'm unable to do anything to prevent it.
I know that I can't do that to her. That would be a betrayal. I won't be worth her anymore. I should be with her, if I love her - not lie and hide like a coward again. I promised that.
I started a therapy just to make sure that I do everything that I can in a healthy way. I can't do drugs, so I started to have different urges. Better a small fish than an empty dish, you know. If somebody would tell me "drink/hurt yourself/go and f*ck somebody/just kill yourself, it's fine" and I'd know that he/she's telling the truth I'd do that until I'd pass out or die.
BUT it's not fine. So I behave myself, but every day is such a struggle... It's a living hell. What else can I do with myself to hold on?
I think that I'm an addict since years - I just controlled that situation and I was able to keep it hidden (so far). I haven't been caught in the act, or something like that - so I denied it for years. I've had breaks in using when I tried to live without drugs, but usually it lasted no more that six months.
I thought that I'm clever and strong. I - still - was successful at the university. I thought that I managed the situation and I will quit when I will want. I didn't have friends (because I was convinced that I don't need anybody), or a serious partner. I've had relationships, but my record is four months. Then I just dumped my partners - every time. I broke some hearts. I didn't care.
Problems arised in 2009. Family + university + ending up another relationship (this time with a sense of guilt). I had a serious crisis. Depression - a doctor said. I did drugs, I drank, I hurt myself, I didn't leave home except from parties (just to have sex) and to get another drugs. I didn't attend to classes - so they threw me away from studies. That self-destructive trance ended up with a suicide attempt. But still - I kept addiction in secret. All that time nobody knew who I really was.
I was never the same after that. Something broke inside. But I repeated a year at studies and I got a chance to get another degree. I thought that I'm going to be fine again - then everything started to fall apart. I realized that I can't study anymore, that maybe I never wanted that, maybe I even hate that. I started to feel worse and worse, I couldn't write thesis so I knew that eventually they're gonna throw me away again, and this time I won't survive this. Studying was always my everything...
That's when I met HER. She's different from the others. We became friends. She was good to me and the more she knew me - the more she wanted to help me. For the first time in my life I didn't want to be a liar. I wanted to be honest, open. I just couldn't. But she stayed - even if I was a cold jerk so many times. She teached me a lot about tenderness. She became close to me, but not so abruptly. Something changed.
I wasn't able to cope with that normally. A thought that I actually care about her and maybe I love her was scary. A thought that she will find out how weak am I and leave me was hard to bear. I did more drugs and I started to mix them. I got back to drinking - everything to cope with the day at the univeristy, and to kill feelings that I didn't understand. One day at January I was so stupid that I probably overdosed. I woke up next day, at the floor. It took me a while to remember my own name and to figure out what happened. I got scared. I realized that I could die. I talked that day with her and she noticed that something was wrong with me. She started to ask questions. I wanted to leave but she didn't let me. I gave up and I told her everything. Surprisingly she didn't reject me. I don't do drugs since that day. I'm trying to treat myself better just for her. I don't want to worry her anymore.
I finished studying. I just got a job. Everything should be okay. It was - for a long time, until she faced her problems and she started to need my help and support. I'm doing my best, but it's not enough. I just can't watch her suffering. I'm helpless. It breaks me. I don't know how to deal with these emotions. It feels like an upcoming relapse. Honestly. Like I already lost it. Like I'm unable to do anything to prevent it.
I know that I can't do that to her. That would be a betrayal. I won't be worth her anymore. I should be with her, if I love her - not lie and hide like a coward again. I promised that.
I started a therapy just to make sure that I do everything that I can in a healthy way. I can't do drugs, so I started to have different urges. Better a small fish than an empty dish, you know. If somebody would tell me "drink/hurt yourself/go and f*ck somebody/just kill yourself, it's fine" and I'd know that he/she's telling the truth I'd do that until I'd pass out or die.
BUT it's not fine. So I behave myself, but every day is such a struggle... It's a living hell. What else can I do with myself to hold on?
Sobriety is Traditional
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Orcas Island, Washington
Posts: 9,067
...yes, I am in a hurry... we heat with wood, it was cold last night, and I'm having trouble with the fire...
You need a community. The internet doesn't count. Here, people can ignore you if your post seems like too much trouble.
You need a community. The internet doesn't count. Here, people can ignore you if your post seems like too much trouble.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 41
Originally Posted by Coldfusion 
If you were in AA or NA, you could share at a meeting, or call your sponsor or someone on the phone list
Originally Posted by Coldfusion
You need a community.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Glasgow
Posts: 141
Originally Posted by Coldfusion
...yes, I am in a hurry... we heat with wood, it was cold last night, and I'm having trouble with the fire...
You need a community. The internet doesn't count. Here, people can ignore you if your post seems like too much trouble.
You need a community. The internet doesn't count. Here, people can ignore you if your post seems like too much trouble.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Miami, FL
Posts: 1,701
I understand, because I am also having issues now. With the holidays most of my friends are busy, so I am alone with it. It is helping to read here, but I am just trying to hang on till the new year.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 41
Originally Posted by Boxguy
Agreed, call AA.
I will, because I really DON"T want a relapse - but no matter what I want it seems that I'm still slipping away.
but I can empathise with you, stay strong.
Sobriety is Traditional
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Orcas Island, Washington
Posts: 9,067
...it's still 34° outside...fire going okay...
2, spend some time browsing the forum here. Read through people's experiences--you will see how low you will go unless you stay sober.
2, spend some time browsing the forum here. Read through people's experiences--you will see how low you will go unless you stay sober.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 41
Originally Posted by Itchy
Good decision!
Post back and let us know how your meeting went! Lots of folks are afraid of their first meeting and then come back and tell everybody how nice it was.
Post back and let us know how your meeting went! Lots of folks are afraid of their first meeting and then come back and tell everybody how nice it was.
2, spend some time browsing the forum here. Read through people's experiences--you will see how low you will go unless you stay sober.
Thank you all for your words. I really appreciate it.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,044
Sounds like you have a lot going on right now, and although drinking may seem like a way to numb or escape your problems they will still be there when you sober up, and then you will be dealing with them hungover.
I do not use AA, but have attended a few meetings, and sometimes it helps just to listen to others in the same situation. I have gone to some meetings through my insurance and some WFS meetings as well, but this site, reading lots and exercise have helped me to refocus my brain.
Go to a meeting, call a friend, or hang out on here today. Sending you some virtual hugs. :ghug3
I do not use AA, but have attended a few meetings, and sometimes it helps just to listen to others in the same situation. I have gone to some meetings through my insurance and some WFS meetings as well, but this site, reading lots and exercise have helped me to refocus my brain.
Go to a meeting, call a friend, or hang out on here today. Sending you some virtual hugs. :ghug3
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 41
More drugs than drinking - so I chcecked NA meeting. Still - you're right, Delilah1. It won't solve the situation. It will only make it worse.
I wonder how am I gonna deal with the fact that I usually don't speak a lot. Recently I'm literally mute.
I wonder how am I gonna deal with the fact that I usually don't speak a lot. Recently I'm literally mute.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
welcome to SR 2inconsolable 
you will find support here - I recommend the Class of December thread (also in this forum) as well
You need a community. The internet doesn't count. Here, people can ignore you if your post seems like too much trouble.
I consider SR saved my life. It's been very important to me.
Far be it from me to steer people away form any kind of support, but frankly this community works for me in a way a face to face community would not.
It's probably best you don't state your opinions as facts CF?
D
you will find support here - I recommend the Class of December thread (also in this forum) as well
Originally Posted by Coldfusion
You need a community. The internet doesn't count. Here, people can ignore you if your post seems like too much trouble.
I consider SR saved my life. It's been very important to me.
Far be it from me to steer people away form any kind of support, but frankly this community works for me in a way a face to face community would not.
It's probably best you don't state your opinions as facts CF?
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 41
Don't know where to put this...
I'm sober so that's fine. But I've done another stupid thing to compensate that. Now I feel guilty. And I want more.
Just wanted to admit that... I know now that I seriously need help. I really surprised myself today. I thought that I'm stronger. I'm not. I'm terribly weak.
I'm sober so that's fine. But I've done another stupid thing to compensate that. Now I feel guilty. And I want more.
Just wanted to admit that... I know now that I seriously need help. I really surprised myself today. I thought that I'm stronger. I'm not. I'm terribly weak.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
I thought I was weak too 2inconsolable....turns out the further I got away from my old life, and the more I faced stuff instead of running away, the stronger I found I was.
I'm sure you'll find the same too - have a little patience and be gentle with yourself
D
I'm sure you'll find the same too - have a little patience and be gentle with yourself
D
Sobriety is Traditional
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Orcas Island, Washington
Posts: 9,067
Oh, 2, I wish I could just come and drag you out of bed and take you on the AA hike today. Hope you're doing okay.
Don't worry about talking at meetings. Say "I'll pass," and you're off the hook.
Please try to do something good for yourself today. There are meetings happening now or soon in an area near you.
Don't worry about talking at meetings. Say "I'll pass," and you're off the hook.
Please try to do something good for yourself today. There are meetings happening now or soon in an area near you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 41
Thank you both for support.
That's the point - facing stuff instead of running away. I hope that next time I'll choose wisely.
I try. Time will show. I think that I should be more kind to myself instead of getting nervous because "I'm weak" and turning against myself.
I'm better. I hope that I won't repeat that. I need to think like this - otherwise it wouldn't make any sense to hold on.
I talked with someone that I trust. It wasn't easy but it helped.
Friday = meeting. I'm certain.
Originally Posted by Dee74
I thought I was weak too 2inconsolable....turns out the further I got away from my old life, and the more I faced stuff instead of running away, the stronger I found I was.
Originally Posted by Dee74
I'm sure you'll find the same too - have a little patience and be gentle with yourself
Originally Posted by Coldfusion
Oh, 2, I wish I could just come and drag you out of bed and take you on the AA hike today. Hope you're doing okay.
Originally Posted by Coldfusion
Please try to do something good for yourself today. There are meetings happening now or soon in an area near you.
Friday = meeting. I'm certain.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: highland beach, florida
Posts: 649
Hi inconsolable,
Feels like the weight of the world is on your shoulders, huh?
You are just feeling that way because you are just beginning to help yourself, and someone you love, and you don't want to let down NOW needs you.
HMMMMM--Lets see. You have done an amazing thing in giving up alcohol, so you are NOT weak
You have taken a really smart road in seeking a therapist. He can help you so much if you are honest with him about your drug use.
I am not familiar with drug addiction--I am just a drunk, but we have a thing called AL-Anon that might be something you can direct your girlfriend to go to while you attend an AA meeting. Maybe she just needs to let go of her problem with others dealing with recovery in a partner.
You loved her enough to take a stance and come clean with her---loving someone more than your drug of choice is a great start, and it takes a lot of courage. Remember YOU come first or you will be of no help to her.
Seek advice from your therapist, he can give you the right direction to head.
We will always be here for you and your girlfriend, so use us.
Here's to only the UPSIDE of 2013 for the both of you,
Trix
Feels like the weight of the world is on your shoulders, huh?
You are just feeling that way because you are just beginning to help yourself, and someone you love, and you don't want to let down NOW needs you.
HMMMMM--Lets see. You have done an amazing thing in giving up alcohol, so you are NOT weak
You have taken a really smart road in seeking a therapist. He can help you so much if you are honest with him about your drug use.
I am not familiar with drug addiction--I am just a drunk, but we have a thing called AL-Anon that might be something you can direct your girlfriend to go to while you attend an AA meeting. Maybe she just needs to let go of her problem with others dealing with recovery in a partner.
You loved her enough to take a stance and come clean with her---loving someone more than your drug of choice is a great start, and it takes a lot of courage. Remember YOU come first or you will be of no help to her.
Seek advice from your therapist, he can give you the right direction to head.
We will always be here for you and your girlfriend, so use us.
Here's to only the UPSIDE of 2013 for the both of you,
Trix
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 41
Originally Posted by miamifella
How are you doing?
Originally Posted by miamifella
I had a rough holiday and it was hard because I did not have anyone to talk to. Thank goodness it is over.
BTW the more I stay sober the more I value talking to the others. A year ago I didn't know that it can be helpful.
Originally Posted by TrixMixer
Feels like the weight of the world is on your shoulders, huh? You are just feeling that way because you are just beginning to help yourself, and someone you love, and you don't want to let down NOW needs you.
Originally Posted by TrixMixer
You have taken a really smart road in seeking a therapist. He can help you so much if you are honest with him about your drug use.
Originally Posted by TrixMixer
I am not familiar with drug addiction--I am just a drunk, but we have a thing called AL-Anon that might be something you can direct your girlfriend to go to while you attend an AA meeting. Maybe she just needs to let go of her problem with others dealing with recovery in a partner.
Originally Posted by TrixMixer
Here's to only the UPSIDE of 2013 for the both of you,
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