Midlifecrisis

Firstly. I'm sorry for all the threads/posts. Now ive started talking about stuff I've had suppressed for years I can't seem to stop.

Is there anyone else here that still has a lingering doubt in their mind that they are actually an addict? That they could just stop it and be 'sensible' if they tried hard enough?

Logically thinking, I probably am. I started drinking/smoking pot at 14/15, from that day did it alone in my bedroom after school etc, moved onto LSD, amphetamines, used more and more, at work, etc, started living with dealers, stole, etc, bordering on psychosis i think......went to rehab where some more 'serious addicts' liked to make me feel like I didn't have a problem because I hadnt picked up a needle and I also had a major eating disorder. Left rehab, got a needle habit, jn an it of recovery, started using heroin, fell pregnant after I discovered the 13th step in NA . Stopped everything for my baby. Relapsed a little then stopped for more babies. Stayed clean for them for 9 years, relapsed this year on pills, started heavily medicating with codeine then managed to get valium for anxiety, took a months worth in 4 days, found some silly doctors that would give me more, started drinking on top of it all.....and have since gotten clean, except for some alcphol...but still struggle to imagine not ever picking up a needle again.

I was always told by my family that I had no reason at all to be like this, I had a good life. They don't know some things that happened to me as a child. It's screwed with my head. How dare I?

Part of me thinks that regardless of all this, I didn't really have a serious prob and am making a mountain out of a molehill and just being silly. Surely I can socially drink. I knew loads of people that used drugs. Everyone drinks.

Does anyone else struggle with these thoughts!??

Thanks for letting me ramble once again.

Midlifecrisis

Sorry for all the auto corrects. Hope it makes sense.

nogard

Hi and welcome to SR In the end only you can decide if your addict. I will tell you what I was told years ago. Best way to find out is to hang around, what you got to loose? And much to gain. It could save and change your life.

Lots of support here, keep writing and auto-correcting. I read typos just fine

Midlifecrisis

Thanks for your reply and welcome


I know that I am. It's just those thoughts that come in and try and trick me I think?

Dee74

I think most of us try to rationalise ourselves as 'not that bad'.

I made sure there were people in my life I could point to and say I wasn't that bad - I had no DUIs, no police record, I paid my bills....but the fact was I drinking all day every day, and the fact is my drinking damn near killed me.

I don't think alcoholism/addiction is a comparative problem really...it's an individual one.

If your addiction is causing you problems in your life, but you can't stop, then it's a problem - no matter how many other people in your life, or on the TV, or in movies drink.

Millions of people eat peanuts too - except for those with peanut allergies....

D

ReadyAtLast

Of course ,many times I thought I'm not too bad.I don't really concern myself with labels though. I asked myself

Is alcohol causing me problems? Yes-depression, irritability,nastiness,negativity, weight gain,losing looks,bad skin, health problems, tiredness,listlessness, un-productivity, bad parenting etc etc

If I stop drinking will my life be better? Yes.

What should I do? Stop drinking

Midlifecrisis

It's so true and pretty simple really isn't it when you think about it honestly.

Did drugs completely consume my life for years and send me crazy? Yep. Did they cause family and health problems? Yep. Did I steal/lie/hock to buy drugs? Yep. Am I capable of taking any mind altering substance in moderation? Nope. Do I sit in church sometimes dreaming of using? Yep.

So why is there this lingering silly thought that maybe I don't belong? Argh.

Jeni26

It's your addiction talking. It will whisper to you that you are 'not that bad', that you 'can have 1 or 2', that you can 'have a night off and go back to drinking in the morning'. It will say anything in fact to get you to pick up.
They are all lies.
If you read the posts of people who have believed that, they are full of despair.
Don't be tricked or fooled into anything. You know the truth.

Pick a programme of recovery and stick to it.

Best wishes to you x

Startingover444

I constantly worry that I am "making too much of this" that its all just in my head.
However the only way to get it out of my head is to use
And there in lies a problem.
Oh well, looks like we will have to deal with it then

Midlifecrisis

Thanks guys. I am glad to see I am not alone is this.

It's crazy. Drugs have caused me so many problems and just recently have threatened to really affect my family. It's not normal.

Midlifecrisis

Ok. So instead of posting yet another thread, I will post how I'm feeling in here.

It's just overwhelmed me tonight. I don't want to not get high/drunk again...I mean I do, but I'm scared. 6 weeks off the drugs but after talking to some of you today I think nice under estimated te hold that alcohol has started to have on me. I've had 2 glasses of champagne and there's nothing else. The pub's closed. I feel like I'm having an anxiety attack. I don't want to be sober right now, I don't want to think/feel. Its not even drunk that i want to be but it would do. I feel like I can't do it. Just tonight it has knocked me for a six at how much this has gotten a grip on my life again so quickly. I don't know what to do. I kind of wish I hadn't started talking about all of this now.

Jeni26

Hey, it's ok. This is a slip, it happens.

I went 7 weeks starting in March and I blew it and had to start over.

I would suggest that you don't try and work anything out right now. Anxiety can be overwhelming. Try and get some sleep and log back on in the morning.

We'll be here for you x

Midlifecrisis

I know it's the middle of the night where alot of you are but is anyone around?

Midlifecrisis

Oh thanks, just saw this post as I posted again.

I'm so sick of this. I don't even know which part of the forum to post in because I'm an addict, now have alcohol issues, have a long term eating disorder, have been around recovery for years yet am new again. It's so overwhelming. I want it gone.

Have 5 kids to put to bed. Best go do that.

Thanks for your words.

ReadyAtLast

It's morning in the UK,plenty of us around

Midlifecrisis

Thanks

Why is reality not good enough? Why is it so scary?

Dee74

Well, it was scary for me because I'd never really faced life sober - not for any real length of time...a day here, a week there, a month or two there....

I was terrified of living totally 'without a net'....but, for me, the fear was much much worse than the reality....

That's not to say it was easy, but with the right support it was far less agonising that I'd bought it up to be.

Try not to overwhelm yourself MLC...all any of us have to do is stay clean and sober one day at a time...


D

Midlifecrisis

I found it easier I think when I gave up hard drugs in my early 20s. I was pregnant and gave up for him. I had had no desire to give up for me.

For 9 years my eating disorder has been my net and my worst enemy. All my pregnancies have kept me off the drugs. Now the drugs came back and they've really messed with my head. I love being high so much but I know it only leads to destruction.

I just know.... That now the eating disorder is kind of in remission after 15 years (though I feel it lapping at the surface) and if I give up this last vice....I'm going to have to do some work.

Dee74

I had some work to do too - work I'd put off my whole adult life...but the rewards were good, and still are...

all my life I'd been trying to fill this void within me...nothing worked...

so I stopped trying to fill it and started working on healing it instead....

That worked

D

Midlifecrisis

Thanks. I'm glad it worked. I'm so scared of facing it all. Obviously. I mean that's why we run from it as fast and far as we can right?