embracestruggle

This is my first time reaching out about my drinking. What brought me here?

I had another one of 'those nights' last night. After getting off work around five, I went and purchased paints for mural I am currently working on to surprise my boyfriend. I then hustled over to the gym for a grinding lower body session to get in shape for travelling Southeast Asia this February. I finally topped off the night with a hot shower, worked a bit on a freelance writing project, and then let my eyes drift off to sleep to a few chapters of 'Atlas Shrugged'.

Oh wait. That's what I WISHED had happened.

Instead, I had a glass of wine at work (I work in a restaurant). Afterwards, I came home and snuck a few shots of whatever hard A was in the kitchen while my roommates weren't paying attention. Once I deemed myself too useless to accomplish anything, I decided I would just go to bed early to conquer tomorrow. But before tomorrow (today) arrived, I found myself awake at three in the morning, overwhelmed with feelings of guilt, judgement, frustration, and helplessness.

Why didn't I just listen to my rational mind and NOT DRINK. Just do not bend your arm at the elbow while palming a glass bottle of a mind altering substance, it's NOT THAT HARD. I'm only 27, I'm a smart girl with so much potential to tap into, why do I give these days away to booze?

I can wheel and deal drinks all day at work without a craving, but as soon as the sun sets (which is 4 p.m. in the winter, mind you) the craving just hits me like a brick! Am I witnessing the beginning of a slippery slope? I thought I was strong enough, strong enough to just enjoy a few glasses of Pinot Noir with girlfriends on the weekends. But that is not how things are unraveling, and I am thinking sobriety is a path I should be considering.

My boyfriend doesn't trust my drinking. I don't really trust myself anymore. I hate myself when I do it. I attempt to put myself in situations to distract myself from drinking. But it always seems to find me.

I am a very social person. I love adventure and feeling alive in the moment. I am somewhat ADD in that I always need to feel like I am accomplishing something, hence why I often find myself drinking out of boredom. Even when I have tons to do, alcohol provides immediate reward.

Something has to change in my way of thinking, and I don't know where to start. 2013 is going to be a big year for me, and I would love to think I could do it sober. Right this minute I don't want anything to do with alcohol, but I know once the sun sets I'll be ready to sing a different tune.

I appreciate any suggestions and guidance. I noticed everybody involved in these forums is so amazingly understanding and supportive. I truly appreciate individuals like yourselves out there who are willing to listen and lend a hand.

Coldfusion

Welcome!

You are not alone. It took a week in detox with heroin addicts to show me how low I could go. I strongly recommend professional help quitting, followed by lots of AA meetings.

Delilah1

Sounds like you had a great night planned before drinking, you can't change yesterday, but you can have that night tonight. I am 42 and wish I had stopped at 27. Tonight try logging on here when you feel like drinking, that is what I did in the beginning and it helps.

I still log onto this site daily and find it to be a huge tool for helping me stay sober.

Coldfusion

As I type this, there are six registered members reading your post. See? You really do have help and support here!

My wife and I both quit drinking two months ago, and we could not do it without eachother. You said your boyfriend doesn't like you when drunk--how much does he drink?

NapsteR1

Definitely the start of a slippery slope. For me it was the almost euphoric rush as the stuff hit my system, therefore I was drinking far too much far too fast (mix half a bottle of vodka with half a litre of tonic while sat in the car in the supermarket car park - that's gone on the hour drive home from work), then having the hour or so of feeling pleasantly unplugged (whilst finishing the rest of the bottle) from all the stuff I told myself I'd do at home that evening as I was feeling too shite to get my head round it during the day. Then pass out, wake up on the sofa with all the feelings you describe above at 03:00, go to work and repeat...

I think with some people (me) that alcohol just presses a metabolic switch.

First time I got to the passing out drunk stage I was 7 years old at my Uncles wedding, parents found me in a hedge. That was nothing to do with peer pressure, media pressure, wanting to look cool etc. One glass was just all it took before the drink took the next one.

Advice would be to knock it on the head, wish I had 10 / 15 years ago!

Coldfusion

Here are some instructions given out when leaving rehab:

Key Methods of Living Sober

Attend a meeting daily. If needed, attend more in a day.

Participate in the meetings. The more you give, the more you get!

Introduce yourself to another person before or after the meeting. Do this until you know three people to say "Hi" to when you come to a meeting again.

Call two people from the phone list you received. Explain you are new and just want to practice using the phone. Ask about good meetings to attend. Or just wish the person "Happy New Year!"--it might make their day!

Listen to the announcements. Some AA or NA events are just for fun.

Select a sponsor as soon as possible. The person should have at least one year consecutive sobriety and know and practice the program. He/she should be able to guide you through step work and be reasonably available.

Start you day by acknowledging your higher power and ask for guidance. Close your day with gratitude for your sobriety and any other gifts which came your way.

Set aside 5 to 10 minutes a day to read a portion of the big book or NA text. Increase the time as your brain waves begin to level.

Allow yourself time to rest each day. Eat nutritiously on a regular basis.

Take time out when your emotions are on a major high or low. Balance is the goal.

Ask for serenity from your higher power. The "Serenity Prayer" has saved many.

Call your sponsor or a friend on the phone list when you are out of sync.

Write about your feelings in a journal.




There are a few more, but my wife FINALLY got up--there's lots of sleep in recovery! Have a good day!

Xune

I drank because I could and I had unwittingly become a slave to the bottle.

Now I make the choice never to have that first drink.

You can too and there are lots of different ways to go about it.

beherenow

Welcome to SR!

Your story sounds a ton like mine --
night/boredom hits and so does the cravings to DRINK.

Maybe try to plan something tonight so that you don't drink? That's what I'm doing.

stepping

"""Why do we drink when we have everything going for us!?"""

Yeah the answer to that for me is two things:
1. I am an alcoholic
2. I am not working my recovery. (S.L.I.P. sobriety lost it's priority; thanks Inda )

The question I didn't understand when I was still drinking was, "how could I want to be sober so bad but still be picking up" The same answers applied to that question.

I didn't understand. Well I came to see it sure the heck wasn't gonna happen on it's own. I had to work for it; work for my life I wanted for me. I had to work a recovery program and always play that first drink through til the end. I had to not be afraid to reach out for help when I need(ed) it. I had to surround myself with AA, SR and all the sober people I could find. I had to reach out to suffering alcoholics and the community in general and do God's work. I had to pray, pray, pray and pray some more. All that stuff plus a lot more to make sobriety my number 1 priority!!!

If you want to get sober FOR GOOD you will be willing to work the living day lights out of a recovery program, utilize your personal tools and just simply DONT DRINK! Soon the thought of liquor will pull further and further away. Life matters...the good life...the sober life. But ya gotta work your a%% off for it. It's worht it though

I wish you well and thank you for sharing your story.
Welcome to SR I am rooting for you :ghug3

Time2Focus

Welcome to SR. I'm pretty new here myself, so I don't know how much I can offer at this point, but I want to try and give back - people on here have been so helpful and supportive to me already, I want to make sure I'm not just "Taking".

I know exactly how you feel. I would always have a list a mile long of things I really needed or wanted to get done, especially around the house when I got off work but instead I would drink - maybe not to the point of being slobbering drunk, but enough to have a good buzz and be completely useless for the rest of the night. Then, I started working later in the evenings... at first that helped, b/c there wasn't as much time for me to sit around and drink.... or at least that's what I thought. Then I discovered, I could sneak a drink or two at work, or on the way home... nobody would know. I was right, nobody did know, I am lucky. Could have lost my job, lost my license, gotten into an accident, etc.

On to the weekends - used to just be drinking once 5pm rolled around and drinking until I passed out for the night. How productive was I the next morning? Not very. My wife would get up and work out, go for long runs, etc. I would be in bed with a headache and wanting to sleep all day. Sometimes I would be ok and I would go for a run or workout, but it became more and more rare and when I did do those things, I never had much energy. Then... for whatever reason, especially on Sundays when football was on... it was perfectly acceptable to start drinking around noon and if I was at a friend's house and he was having a bunch of people over to watch the game - forget about it... it was an all day drink fest. Drinking on Saturdays also became a common thing with me. I would find things to do out in the garage or outside, just so I could be close to the beer fridge in the garage - that way I could pound numerous beers, ditch the bottles somewhere other than the recycling bin and my wife never had a clue that I was a 6-pack deep by 2pm. If that doesn't sound bad enough, I would find excuses to run to Wal-Mart or Home Depot or wherever by myself to go get some random item we needed - I would hit a gas station or grocery store while I was out and throw back a couple more and then hide the replace the beers in the fridge I had drank earlier in the day.

I guess what I'm trying to convey here is it is a slippery slope. I kept lurking on this site for a while before I joined and noticed a lot of people saying - it just gets worse the longer you let this go on - they are right. I'm on day 2 right now, went to a meeting last night, came clean with my wife about having a problem and trying my hardest to make this work! We are all here to support you, please stick around, talk to us and get on a better/healthier path.

suki44883

Alcohol is addictive. It isn't rational. If you are addicted, you cannot rationally think yourself out of it. We have all tried that, many of us for years and years. It just doesn't work. If you truly want to stop drinking, more than likely, you are going to need help. I hope you decide that you are worth it and reach out for some face-to-face support.

least

Welcome to SR! :ghug3

Dee74

Hi and welcome embracestruggle

Like others have said there's no logic to addiction.

Logic is rational - addiction (to me anyway) is emotive and impulsive..it's reactive...even if sometimes we're reacting to nothing....

I think realising that helped give my my power of choice back - thinking about drinking became a lot more about thinking about consequences and reaching out for support and less about Neanderthal knee jerk 'DRINK, NOW' reactions.

This place had a lot to do with that
Good to have you join us

D

Natom

For me, judging by my previous relapses it's a mixture of complacency, cockiness, and selective thinking.

Natom.

4WWWW

Hello There My Friend,

Man I wish I could go back to when I was 27 and do what Im doing now at 50.

When you start to question your drinking habits that is a warning sign, especially if others have too, like your boyfriend.

Good Luck With Your Decision
_______________________________________

Wanting To Be Sober > Than Any Temptation

Paddler

This was me... to a T.

renaldo

Dee, you never cease to crack me up. Everything everyone has said on this thread hits home like a sledgehammer.

Alcohol does indeed provide instant reward. It's a fickle friend though. It won't go away, so if you've got abandonment issues (which I do) it seems like a good buddy. But it's a substance, not a person, and it doesn't care if you live or die or consult it or not.

TTBABP

The day you wish you had sounds great. I am pretty new to this myself and am not as full of great advice as others but if I were you I would print your post and carry it everywhere. As soon as you want a drink read it again and see which day you would prefer to have and proceed accordingly. Welcome

Virg

Thanks for sharing! You seem very capable and have a lot of high potential. In my case, which isn't dissimilar, alcohol causes all of my talents and abilities to come to a screeching halt. I think you will find the same if you don't stop.

Maybe look at sobriety as an alternate road to go down. You have one road that leads to your fantastic dreams, and another road that leads to misery, destruction and loneliness. That is how I have rationalized it, and really it is what motivated me to stop...because I believe in my heart that if I drink any more I will literally forsake any fighting chance at my dreams coming true.

One thing that my therapist has encouraged me to do, which has been very helpful to me (I am still new to sobriety, almost a month now) is to get involved with more group oriented (sober) outlets for your creativity. Such as writing groups, fitness classes, theater, etc. I have been going to yoga classes after work on friday, when normally I would be getting hammered. It is very relaxing, and lets out a lot of the tension that the absence of alcohol brings. Maybe something like this will help you?

Just know that you aren't alone.

Gringo

I had everything going for me. I lived in a nice house, I was newly wed to a beautiful woman that I was madly in love with. I was on top of the world. Then I drank again, and again and again. I lost everything because of it. My wife, got thrown out of my house, 3 days in jail and almost my job. Right now I am sleeping on a friends couch wondering whet the future holds for me.