On a bus,about to pass where I used to pick up.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: SF, CA
Posts: 65
On a bus,about to pass where I used to pick up.
Maybe I'm hoping this will distract me enough to not hit the button? When I get off the bus and into the train, though, there will be another unwanted opportunity.
With the thought of getting high sounding so good, howe can I expect passing this up to come even remotely close?? And I'm just coming back from a meeting dammit! Argh! Tedth are clenched.
Getting off the bus.
Waiting for the train. Stop one avoided. Stop two coming up..
...
With the thought of getting high sounding so good, howe can I expect passing this up to come even remotely close?? And I'm just coming back from a meeting dammit! Argh! Tedth are clenched.
Getting off the bus.
Waiting for the train. Stop one avoided. Stop two coming up..
...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: SF, CA
Posts: 65
Twelve more minutesn the fence. Least Last time wasn't so bad. Felt great. No repercussions. I won't be in this area for five more days. Start over tomorrow. Only got one day anyway. What will I do about the emptiness? What good is it to not pick up?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: SF, CA
Posts: 65
Posting on here is so narcissistic of me, begging for attention.
Options. Skip the stop. Mild sense of accomplishment.
Get off, roam streets for dealers. Risk getting arrested. Have to hide when I get home. Get high. Booming heartbeat. Run out of ****. Eek pipe until futile. Wide awake for four hours while melatonin kicks in. Drink to calm nerves. Wake up upset, but determined not to do it again. Same every time.
Train is
Options. Skip the stop. Mild sense of accomplishment.
Get off, roam streets for dealers. Risk getting arrested. Have to hide when I get home. Get high. Booming heartbeat. Run out of ****. Eek pipe until futile. Wide awake for four hours while melatonin kicks in. Drink to calm nerves. Wake up upset, but determined not to do it again. Same every time.
Train is
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: SF, CA
Posts: 65
Calmer after writing. No responses. Narcissistic. Stop approaching. Going to stay on train. Tonights going to suck. Missing out on getting high. Doors closing. No drugs. Alcohol on wall home? More hurdles. ****! Feel good for accomplishment goddammitl. Feel good! Missing out. Forty minutes til stop and then twenty minute walk. NA book in backpack.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: SF, CA
Posts: 65
Thank you. About to start reading NA book. Texted guy Will I met at meeting. Does anything ever feel better than getting high? I just want to forget it exists. It's drown out the subtleties and I'm completely obsessed!
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 3,065
Originally Posted by GWillikers 
Thank you. About to start reading NA book. Texted guy Will I met at meeting. Does anything ever feel better than getting high? I just want to forget it exists. It's drown out the subtleties and I'm completely obsessed!
You've done great today.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: SF, CA
Posts: 65
One thing I notice it's that it feels good to see your little avatars. Drugs are so isolating and lonely. Highs are fake. Just chemicals flooding the brain. People are real. Thank God for people. Thank you for being here. Almost teary eyed. Thank you. Feeling grateful and sad feels good, real.
Self recovered Self discovered
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Toronto Canada
Posts: 5,148
GW, I think the journalling that you are doing here is found to be very helpful by a lot of people. Putting your thoughts down as you have them is one very good way of becoming mindful, of becoming aware of your self, of putting a layer of separation between you and these thoughts of using again. That is a valuable skill - it gets better and easier with practice.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: SF, CA
Posts: 65
Hope so! There's a girl during across from me with her head in her hand, wrong the corner of her write with the other. Been here the whole time. I've been so self centered I didn't notice. There's a whole palette of emotions on this car. A deeper connection with life involves more than the one false moment of bliss. When will it feel worth it though?
One more stop until I begin my walk. Two liquor stores along the way. Gotta make it home without picking up a tall can. Angst is real, angst is good, angst is temporary. Funnel it into the guitar at the house. Drown myself in the guitar.
Getting off the train.
One more stop until I begin my walk. Two liquor stores along the way. Gotta make it home without picking up a tall can. Angst is real, angst is good, angst is temporary. Funnel it into the guitar at the house. Drown myself in the guitar.
Getting off the train.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Originally Posted by GWillikers
Does anything ever feel better than getting high?
Get faith that there will come a time when that question has new meaning and different answers. But you gotta get through this hard part first. Hang on. Stay clean and sober.
That's not a question I ask myself much anymore. And with the clarity I have now I can honestly say yes.
Sobriety is Traditional
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Orcas Island, Washington
Posts: 9,067
You're doing great. I was just reading an NA book. The personal stories are good reading. I bought the NA Twelve Step book, and have been reading the second half of Step Three for the last few days.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
