New to this. Advice welcome.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 21
New to this. Advice welcome.
Hello All!
I am an addict. I only wish I could have admitted so much sooner. My doc is opiates. It started out innocently enough I guess although I really should have known better that to be so naive. I injured my back in the army 9 years ago. And was given painkillers off and on. It was never really an issue then. I guess I just didn't really care for how they made me feel mentally, I was just happy for some relief. Rewind to 4 years ago. My youngest child had been born a few months previoius. My back pain was controlling my life and I was overwhelmed with other pains and symptoms. My family doc gave me the long lecture on opiates and of course I agreed that I had no intentions of getting high. I just wanted to function without the pain. He gave me vicoprofen. At first I was taking it as prescribed. But eventually I fell in love with how they made me feel. Happy go lucky and so energetic. I could do so much more in a day with those pills than I could without.
I had to move away from that place due to my husband getting a new assignment, we are a military family. When we arrived at our new home I still had some pills left and I actually laid them down pretty easy. They sat in a drawer for several months. I hadn't gotten to a point yet where I had to suffer any withdrawls. I was actually still ignorant to the fact that withdrawls were an issue for someone dabbling in opiates. If I had only left well enough alone. But after a few months I took those pills and ended up convincing myself that I needed them to be a productive person. Yeah right. So I went to my new family doc and explained my situation. Oh I failed to mention that my previous doc and a rheumy had diagnosed me with fibromyalgia.
Anyways, new doc refers me to pain management. Fast forward to now. In the last year I have lost control of myself completely. I have an ongoing 'script for 15mg roxi- 3/day. That's 90/month. Guess what...the last 3 months I have blown through that script plus another for 60 kadian/month in 3 days!!! 3 friggin' days! I should have been dead long ago. I can eat 4 or 5 of those roxis and not even nod off. It's insanity. Not to mention the hundreds and maybe thousands of dollars I've blown through buying off the street to maintain til my next script.
My husband has turned a blind eye to all of this until a few days ago when he found me laid out at the end of the bed. Apparently I was trying to change the channel on the tv and just fell back and passed out. A result of staying up with hardly any sleep for days while binging on pills. Between that and our depleted bank account he threatened/contemplated leaving me and taking our girls with him. And he would have every right to do so. Somehow, by the grace of God, he has decided to give me a chance to prove to him that I can get clean and stop causing us to be constantly broke. I had already planned to kick this crap before he confronted me. This is just the icing on the cake, so to speak.
Anyways, I still have about 40 of my 20mg kadian left. These are sustained release morphine for those who don't know. He of course has control of them and has been giving them to me twice a day, a couple at a time. I'm already slightly ill but I have to admit that it's nothing like if I had nothing at all. Just very blah. That's another thing. I have quit cold turkey more times than I can count in the last several months but never by choice. Just couldn't get my hands on anything. And as soon as I could I was right back at it. Never clean for more than 3 weeks at a time, usually less.
I guess I just need a push in the right direction and a little support from anyone who has a clue what I'm going through right now. I never planned for any of this but then again, who does? My fear is this. Can I really ever be the old me again. I don't even know if I can remember that girl. And how do I help my husband understand and stay by my side through this. While he has agreed to try and make this work. And he says, and I believe, that he still loves me. How do I know he won't change his mind somewhere along the way. My Mom says it's all in my hands. That if I want my marriage to survive this that I have to fight like hell to get back to being myself. Is that even possible. And how do I ever forgive myself for doing this to him, our beautiful children and myself. Does one really ever come out the other side of this self created hell stronger. Or truly happy again? Will I ever really be okay? Right now it seems like even if I never take another pill again, believe me I won't, that what I have done to my family is impossible to fix. Any advice or words of wisdom at this point would be greatly appreciated.
I am an addict. I only wish I could have admitted so much sooner. My doc is opiates. It started out innocently enough I guess although I really should have known better that to be so naive. I injured my back in the army 9 years ago. And was given painkillers off and on. It was never really an issue then. I guess I just didn't really care for how they made me feel mentally, I was just happy for some relief. Rewind to 4 years ago. My youngest child had been born a few months previoius. My back pain was controlling my life and I was overwhelmed with other pains and symptoms. My family doc gave me the long lecture on opiates and of course I agreed that I had no intentions of getting high. I just wanted to function without the pain. He gave me vicoprofen. At first I was taking it as prescribed. But eventually I fell in love with how they made me feel. Happy go lucky and so energetic. I could do so much more in a day with those pills than I could without.
I had to move away from that place due to my husband getting a new assignment, we are a military family. When we arrived at our new home I still had some pills left and I actually laid them down pretty easy. They sat in a drawer for several months. I hadn't gotten to a point yet where I had to suffer any withdrawls. I was actually still ignorant to the fact that withdrawls were an issue for someone dabbling in opiates. If I had only left well enough alone. But after a few months I took those pills and ended up convincing myself that I needed them to be a productive person. Yeah right. So I went to my new family doc and explained my situation. Oh I failed to mention that my previous doc and a rheumy had diagnosed me with fibromyalgia.
Anyways, new doc refers me to pain management. Fast forward to now. In the last year I have lost control of myself completely. I have an ongoing 'script for 15mg roxi- 3/day. That's 90/month. Guess what...the last 3 months I have blown through that script plus another for 60 kadian/month in 3 days!!! 3 friggin' days! I should have been dead long ago. I can eat 4 or 5 of those roxis and not even nod off. It's insanity. Not to mention the hundreds and maybe thousands of dollars I've blown through buying off the street to maintain til my next script.
My husband has turned a blind eye to all of this until a few days ago when he found me laid out at the end of the bed. Apparently I was trying to change the channel on the tv and just fell back and passed out. A result of staying up with hardly any sleep for days while binging on pills. Between that and our depleted bank account he threatened/contemplated leaving me and taking our girls with him. And he would have every right to do so. Somehow, by the grace of God, he has decided to give me a chance to prove to him that I can get clean and stop causing us to be constantly broke. I had already planned to kick this crap before he confronted me. This is just the icing on the cake, so to speak.
Anyways, I still have about 40 of my 20mg kadian left. These are sustained release morphine for those who don't know. He of course has control of them and has been giving them to me twice a day, a couple at a time. I'm already slightly ill but I have to admit that it's nothing like if I had nothing at all. Just very blah. That's another thing. I have quit cold turkey more times than I can count in the last several months but never by choice. Just couldn't get my hands on anything. And as soon as I could I was right back at it. Never clean for more than 3 weeks at a time, usually less.
I guess I just need a push in the right direction and a little support from anyone who has a clue what I'm going through right now. I never planned for any of this but then again, who does? My fear is this. Can I really ever be the old me again. I don't even know if I can remember that girl. And how do I help my husband understand and stay by my side through this. While he has agreed to try and make this work. And he says, and I believe, that he still loves me. How do I know he won't change his mind somewhere along the way. My Mom says it's all in my hands. That if I want my marriage to survive this that I have to fight like hell to get back to being myself. Is that even possible. And how do I ever forgive myself for doing this to him, our beautiful children and myself. Does one really ever come out the other side of this self created hell stronger. Or truly happy again? Will I ever really be okay? Right now it seems like even if I never take another pill again, believe me I won't, that what I have done to my family is impossible to fix. Any advice or words of wisdom at this point would be greatly appreciated.
Trudger of Happy Destiny
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Naperville, IL
Posts: 1,918
Welcome to SR. You'll find a lot of people battling the same demons. It's not easy, that's for sure. My doc most recently was also pills. Life is so much better when approached with a clear head.
Check out the substance abuse area. Lots of resources and advice over there.
I wish you well.
Check out the substance abuse area. Lots of resources and advice over there.
I wish you well.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,510
Welcome!
I had the same questions that you have, though alcohol was my choice. I couldn't go back and be the old me, because it turned out that I wouldn't have started drinking if I had liked the old me. So, I had to start from scratch and find a new me, the real person I had been missing all my life.
I was desperate for my husband and children to understand why I had turned to alcohol and become addicted. They didn't want to hear any of it. Of course, they wanted me to get better, but they saw it as my problem to fix. That's how I came out the other side of addiction a stronger person. I had to be patient, very patient with my family and show them with my actions that I was changing. I had to stay the course and that made me a stronger person.
It's pretty normal to feel overwhelmed with guilt and shame. I took a long time to forgive myself and it didn't happen all at once. I worked at it over and over again. Journalling helped a lot. Getting to know and like/love myself helped a lot too.
You can do this. You can get better and you can have a good life.
I had the same questions that you have, though alcohol was my choice. I couldn't go back and be the old me, because it turned out that I wouldn't have started drinking if I had liked the old me. So, I had to start from scratch and find a new me, the real person I had been missing all my life.
I was desperate for my husband and children to understand why I had turned to alcohol and become addicted. They didn't want to hear any of it. Of course, they wanted me to get better, but they saw it as my problem to fix. That's how I came out the other side of addiction a stronger person. I had to be patient, very patient with my family and show them with my actions that I was changing. I had to stay the course and that made me a stronger person.
It's pretty normal to feel overwhelmed with guilt and shame. I took a long time to forgive myself and it didn't happen all at once. I worked at it over and over again. Journalling helped a lot. Getting to know and like/love myself helped a lot too.
You can do this. You can get better and you can have a good life.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 21
I appreciate the replies. I guess I really should venture over to the substance abuse forums. I just wanted to get something on here quickly because I felt like I might explode if I didn't touch base with someone, anyone, who might understand. And who could remind me that things can and will get better.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 21
Originally Posted by Anna 
Welcome!
I had the same questions that you have, though alcohol was my choice. I couldn't go back and be the old me, because it turned out that I wouldn't have started drinking if I had liked the old me. So, I had to start from scratch and find a new me, the real person I had been missing all my life.
I was desperate for my husband and children to understand why I had turned to alcohol and become addicted. They didn't want to hear any of it. Of course, they wanted me to get better, but they saw it as my problem to fix. That's how I came out the other side of addiction a stronger person. I had to be patient, very patient with my family and show them with my actions that I was changing. I had to stay the course and that made me a stronger person.
It's pretty normal to feel overwhelmed with guilt and shame. I took a long time to forgive myself and it didn't happen all at once. I worked at it over and over again. Journalling helped a lot. Getting to know and like/love myself helped a lot too.
You can do this. You can get better and you can have a good life.
I had the same questions that you have, though alcohol was my choice. I couldn't go back and be the old me, because it turned out that I wouldn't have started drinking if I had liked the old me. So, I had to start from scratch and find a new me, the real person I had been missing all my life.
I was desperate for my husband and children to understand why I had turned to alcohol and become addicted. They didn't want to hear any of it. Of course, they wanted me to get better, but they saw it as my problem to fix. That's how I came out the other side of addiction a stronger person. I had to be patient, very patient with my family and show them with my actions that I was changing. I had to stay the course and that made me a stronger person.
It's pretty normal to feel overwhelmed with guilt and shame. I took a long time to forgive myself and it didn't happen all at once. I worked at it over and over again. Journalling helped a lot. Getting to know and like/love myself helped a lot too.
You can do this. You can get better and you can have a good life.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Warren
Posts: 27
You can get "yourself" back on track. I know its going to be hard to do but YOU are the only one who can do this. Everytime you feel pain or you hurt walk into the room your children are and look at them, Then ask yourself IS IT WORTH IT ?? Everytime you feel like you want a pill look at your husband and say Is it worth it. You sound like a strong person, you should get into some kinda support NA treatments or meeting. You are NOT alone. Stay strong and you will be in my prayers
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,569
Welcome Missing! We're so glad you joined us. You're never alone - there's always someone here to listen and help. I'm an alcoholic, but I can relate to unintentionally allowing a substance to rule your world. I learned to live without alcohol, and you will rise above your addiction, too.
Be proud of yourself for reaching out for help and wanting to change. Some never reach that point. You can do this.
Be proud of yourself for reaching out for help and wanting to change. Some never reach that point. You can do this.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 21
Originally Posted by OneDayAtATyme
You can get "yourself" back on track. I know its going to be hard to do but YOU are the only one who can do this. Everytime you feel pain or you hurt walk into the room your children are and look at them, Then ask yourself IS IT WORTH IT ?? Everytime you feel like you want a pill look at your husband and say Is it worth it. You sound like a strong person, you should get into some kinda support NA treatments or meeting. You are NOT alone. Stay strong and you will be in my prayers
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Welcome missingmyself -
It really does help to have people who understand what we're going through and can give us the hope we need that it really will get better. That's what I found here and I know you will, too.
Try not to dwell too much on the future or past....... that can feel overwhelming when we first start out. Stay in the day as much as possible and come here and read when you have an urge. Early sobriety can be an emotional roller coaster, but it won't always be like this (promise!).:ghug3
It really does help to have people who understand what we're going through and can give us the hope we need that it really will get better. That's what I found here and I know you will, too.
Try not to dwell too much on the future or past....... that can feel overwhelming when we first start out. Stay in the day as much as possible and come here and read when you have an urge. Early sobriety can be an emotional roller coaster, but it won't always be like this (promise!).:ghug3
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
If I could give you any simple advice...It would be to get honest with your doctor about detoxing safely...Maybe a 30 day inpatient rehab if you can afford it or you have insurance that will cover it....Followed by a program of recovery with support...Like Narcotics Anonymous. Alcohol was my poison and I changed and saved my life in AA....But I have many friends that are clean through NA....It takes action....Seems like you have enough reasons to get into it.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,044
Welcome to SR!! My issues were with alcohol, but I had many if the same feelings as you do. This site has helped me remain account well and I have connected with amazing people who understand because they have been through or are going through the same thing.
Looking forward to seeing you on here.
Looking forward to seeing you on here.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: CA desert
Posts: 1,599
Welcome to SR.
I can assure you that none of us, to my knowledge, knowingly crossed over into addiction or alcoholism. It's not a banana peel that you can see on the sidewalk, and choose to step over it. It's more like a fine mist that creeps up on us, then eventually covers us and all that is near us. Alcohol and drugs alter our normal thinking, initially producing pleasant sensations, then slowly turning those sensations into destructive obsessions that create total chaos in our lives and the lives of those near and dear to us. I liken it to a water slide, you excitedly climb to the top, and propell yourself down the slide into the cool, clean water, except that with alcohol or drugs, there's mud and muck at the bottom where the water should be. We get stuck. That's when the helping hands of others who have been pulled free reach back to pull us free as well. All we have to do is grab the hands extended to us. That doesn't mean we won't slip from the helpful grasp, often we do, but it's up to us to muster the strength to reach up again and grab the hand for one more try. Even when we're holding on to someone, or a program, or a Higher Power, we may still slip and fall back into the mud again. It's not easy getting free. But if we persist and keep reaching out, we find that there always seems to be a helping hand just when we need it to help us pull free of the mire again.
You have found a place where many will extend a hand to help you. This is a great place to start pulling free from your fall if you don't get all hung up on the slide that got you there. Also, there are hands here reaching out that maybe you can help pull free, which helps solidify your commitment to not get on that slide again. And ultimately, your family will see a new, clean you, someone who shines from the inside out, and then the treasure you are will then be theirs too.
I can assure you that none of us, to my knowledge, knowingly crossed over into addiction or alcoholism. It's not a banana peel that you can see on the sidewalk, and choose to step over it. It's more like a fine mist that creeps up on us, then eventually covers us and all that is near us. Alcohol and drugs alter our normal thinking, initially producing pleasant sensations, then slowly turning those sensations into destructive obsessions that create total chaos in our lives and the lives of those near and dear to us. I liken it to a water slide, you excitedly climb to the top, and propell yourself down the slide into the cool, clean water, except that with alcohol or drugs, there's mud and muck at the bottom where the water should be. We get stuck. That's when the helping hands of others who have been pulled free reach back to pull us free as well. All we have to do is grab the hands extended to us. That doesn't mean we won't slip from the helpful grasp, often we do, but it's up to us to muster the strength to reach up again and grab the hand for one more try. Even when we're holding on to someone, or a program, or a Higher Power, we may still slip and fall back into the mud again. It's not easy getting free. But if we persist and keep reaching out, we find that there always seems to be a helping hand just when we need it to help us pull free of the mire again.
You have found a place where many will extend a hand to help you. This is a great place to start pulling free from your fall if you don't get all hung up on the slide that got you there. Also, there are hands here reaching out that maybe you can help pull free, which helps solidify your commitment to not get on that slide again. And ultimately, your family will see a new, clean you, someone who shines from the inside out, and then the treasure you are will then be theirs too.
Night owl
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Orion spur of the Milky Way galaxy
Posts: 2,050
Originally Posted by missingmyself
Thank You! Truer words were never spoken! They are worth it and I know that I am worth it. I come from a family of addicts, mostly alcoholics, on both sides. I don't want my kids to ever see me the way I saw my father or my grandparents. I am strong! I've been through plenty without turning to drugs. I just wish I could understand why I ever crossed that line where I thought it was ok for me to ever get caught up in it. Now I'm learning what it's like to be in those shoes and I don't like it at all. Here is my question. Do I hold on to the slow release morphine pills I have on hand now or do I destroy them and dive in head first. I'm not sure which is the right answer. Does it matter either way?
Second, I do relate and understand very much. Like you I began pain pills for valid physical reasons including fibromyalgia. Over time I began to really enjoy how they made me feel. High, happy, energy--which for a depressive with lifelong fatigue issues was a true miracle. Little did I know what I was getting myself into. At the end I was shooting and snorting up to 500mg oxy and/or 50mg dilaudid every day.
Like you I grew up with alcoholism. Seeing and smelling my dad passed out on the couch disgusted me. And I had to realize that I was ending up the same way. I liked the "nodding out" and would often doze and awaken in front of the tv, in a drugged out stupor. How had I become like the person who repulsed me?
I agree with others that talking with your doctor is vital right now. Together you can decide what to do with those kadians and how to detox safely. If you want to go c/t (cold turkey) then your doctor can give you meds to make it a safer and less torturous process. Or maybe rehab would be best.
I decided to take suboxone to help me slowly get off the opiates. I decided that was the best choice for me given the length and severity of my addiction. It is giving me time to work on the other aspects of my addiction so I will have more tools and strength in place when I get off of the suboxone. So that may be another option for you.
Get into some counseling, NA, or some other form of group support and guidance too. It can be the difference between success and failure. And, of course, stay here on SR. It is a true lifeline.
Take care.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: San Diego
Posts: 611
Hello, welcome to SR. Have you considered getting your doctor involved? I don't mean getting more pain pills, I mean coming clean to him or her (as you did with your husband) and making a plan to get clean by doing a medically supervised detox. The truth shall set you free, as they say, and a professional might be a great asset. Also, I am an ex opiate / heroin addict who also abused alcohol. Watch out for that - sometimes when we quit one, the other becomes an issue. I was an alcoholic then got sober and found pills in a weak moment and, crazy as it seems, I was addicted to heroin a year later. The detox was very bad. I never forget it. That's why I feel for you. I have been there.
For me, I go to meetings. I go for the fellowship and the support. Prepare yourself for the fact that your husband and children may never fully understand this addiction thing. You will need some help from people who know what it's really like. There's more than just AA too, there's alternatives. Check to see what's going on in your area.
As for you finding yourself again... My answer to your question is this : I wanted to get back to myself too, at one point, but the girl I was became an addict and alcoholic. There was something missing in her life the whole time, something not quite right. She was usually hiding from the world or angry at it. In order to get sober I had to CHANGE almost everything. I couldn't go back to the "old" me - now I'm a different person. I consider this my authentic self. At times finding my authentic self is painful. I've had to face some realities I had been ignoring most of my life. I had to get really honest. I had to face my fears and I am coming out the other side a better person. I can feel it and I SEE the results working in my life today.
I will keep you close to my heart and I know you can do this. Don't be afraid to reach out. You did good by coming to SR. Keep coming back and let us know how you're doing ok?
Best,
- L.
For me, I go to meetings. I go for the fellowship and the support. Prepare yourself for the fact that your husband and children may never fully understand this addiction thing. You will need some help from people who know what it's really like. There's more than just AA too, there's alternatives. Check to see what's going on in your area.
As for you finding yourself again... My answer to your question is this : I wanted to get back to myself too, at one point, but the girl I was became an addict and alcoholic. There was something missing in her life the whole time, something not quite right. She was usually hiding from the world or angry at it. In order to get sober I had to CHANGE almost everything. I couldn't go back to the "old" me - now I'm a different person. I consider this my authentic self. At times finding my authentic self is painful. I've had to face some realities I had been ignoring most of my life. I had to get really honest. I had to face my fears and I am coming out the other side a better person. I can feel it and I SEE the results working in my life today.
I will keep you close to my heart and I know you can do this. Don't be afraid to reach out. You did good by coming to SR. Keep coming back and let us know how you're doing ok?
Best,
- L.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 21
Hello all!
Just wanted to check in and say thanks for the support. Also to let you all know where I am right now. I actually spent most of the last two days resting. I'm sure my body needs it but I hate not being up and active. We are actually in the middle of a move from NC to FL. We have to get our house clean and inspected before we can go and that has been slow going with everything else that's going on. And we have decided to stay with my mother for a couple of weeks to save up some money also. We have to be down there by the 20th and that is an added stress right now.
My doctor won't help me. Funny since they are the ones who initially put me on this stuff. So I'm just taking what I have twice a day. Plus I've started taking cymbalta at night. I'm prescribed that but stopped taking it for a while. I wanted to just destroy my kadian and go cold turkey but my husband told me no. He doesn't want me to be miserably sick and I guess I can understand that. I just want to be done with it. I'm guessing it's the huge drop in my dose that has me so lethargic and emotional. Last night I slept ok but kept waking up with hot flashes. Not normal ones either. These were like being dipped in fire. But they would pass after about 30 to 60 seconds. I'm not sure if this is from the taper or starting the cymbalta. Who knows. Besides the flashes and some abdominal issues, lethargy and total lack of appetite I haven't experienced true withdrawl. I guess that's a blessing. I'm definitely not sick as a dog and even if I have no desire to do anything I can absolutely function if I force myself. I'm just having a hard time being happy and I'm so afraid that's going to cause an issue with my husband but so far he's been very supportive. I think I may handle things much better when we go to stay with my mother in a couple days. She always knows what to say to pick me up and to keep me from throwing myself a big ole pity party. She's an amazingly strong woman. I hope one day I can live and see life the way she does.
Anyways, I guess I had better get off of here and shower. I'm sure that can't make me feel any worse. My hubs wants to clean our house some and then take the kids somewhere fun later. He says it will be good for all of us to get out. I'm sure he's right. I just hope I actually find some joy in that. I almost feel guilty for not being happier. I mean I have been given a second chance at life, keeping my marriage and my family in tact and I'm down. I should be shouting from the hill tops. Not so much. I'm hoping that feeling comes soon. I was once a very vibrant and outgoing person. Right now I feel like a hermit crab. I guess it goes with the territory. Anyways, I hope you all have a wonderfully blessed day. And I will check back in later to let you know how mine went and to read any replies.
Just wanted to check in and say thanks for the support. Also to let you all know where I am right now. I actually spent most of the last two days resting. I'm sure my body needs it but I hate not being up and active. We are actually in the middle of a move from NC to FL. We have to get our house clean and inspected before we can go and that has been slow going with everything else that's going on. And we have decided to stay with my mother for a couple of weeks to save up some money also. We have to be down there by the 20th and that is an added stress right now.
My doctor won't help me. Funny since they are the ones who initially put me on this stuff. So I'm just taking what I have twice a day. Plus I've started taking cymbalta at night. I'm prescribed that but stopped taking it for a while. I wanted to just destroy my kadian and go cold turkey but my husband told me no. He doesn't want me to be miserably sick and I guess I can understand that. I just want to be done with it. I'm guessing it's the huge drop in my dose that has me so lethargic and emotional. Last night I slept ok but kept waking up with hot flashes. Not normal ones either. These were like being dipped in fire. But they would pass after about 30 to 60 seconds. I'm not sure if this is from the taper or starting the cymbalta. Who knows. Besides the flashes and some abdominal issues, lethargy and total lack of appetite I haven't experienced true withdrawl. I guess that's a blessing. I'm definitely not sick as a dog and even if I have no desire to do anything I can absolutely function if I force myself. I'm just having a hard time being happy and I'm so afraid that's going to cause an issue with my husband but so far he's been very supportive. I think I may handle things much better when we go to stay with my mother in a couple days. She always knows what to say to pick me up and to keep me from throwing myself a big ole pity party. She's an amazingly strong woman. I hope one day I can live and see life the way she does.
Anyways, I guess I had better get off of here and shower. I'm sure that can't make me feel any worse. My hubs wants to clean our house some and then take the kids somewhere fun later. He says it will be good for all of us to get out. I'm sure he's right. I just hope I actually find some joy in that. I almost feel guilty for not being happier. I mean I have been given a second chance at life, keeping my marriage and my family in tact and I'm down. I should be shouting from the hill tops. Not so much. I'm hoping that feeling comes soon. I was once a very vibrant and outgoing person. Right now I feel like a hermit crab. I guess it goes with the territory. Anyways, I hope you all have a wonderfully blessed day. And I will check back in later to let you know how mine went and to read any replies.
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