Suni

I recently married and my husband's step son lives with us. He is 47 years old and out of prison for almost one year now. His prison sentence was related to alcohol and when he came home he was not drinking. About 3 months after he was released we found evidence he has been drinking. Now, he hides his beer cans in his closet, dresser drawers, and his truck. He does not know we both are aware.
He has exhibited hostile behavior in the past few months and I am sure he was drinking during those incidents. Since then the evidence is collecting.
When he came to our home, we told him that he could not drink in our home. Plus his father told him he had to get a job, get health insurance, go to AA , and go to a therapist for other issues. Now almost a year later, he has not followed through with any of these requests. Plus his room is a pig sty. He collects weeks of dinner plates, glasses, etc that he just lets sit in his room until someone tells him to deal with them. Major issues this young man has.
We are about to confront him and are in the process of discussing the proper things to say to him. Right now we have come up with this:
He has three months to find an apartment and move out. We will not tolerate any more of his behavior.
He has a decent job and transportation. He is spending his money on eating out, drinking, cigarettes, and he does pay his father for staying here plus child support for his two kids. He should have enough left to pay for a small apt. but does not. His money is being spent on his habits for the most part.
I think we are being fair and justified by confronting him with the new condition that now since he has chosen not to follow through with our requests he has to leave.
I guess the reason I am here is to receive validation on what we are choosing to do. Believe me we have been very giving and very tolerant of many things at this point but when I found 8 beer cans hidden in his closet today, I found that my tolerance has reached an end. His sister found him drinking outside her house in his car over the holidays so he is getting careless now.
I would appreciate any comments. Please be honest and give it to me straight as to whether we are doing this in the right way.
Thank you for your advice in advance.
Suni

dollydo

Welcome.

A year is more than enough time to get ones life on tract. If you let him stay and don't follow through with your set bounderies, you are enabling him...this does not help him at all. IMO it is the worst thing you can do. He is a middle age man, allow him the dignity to reach his bottom and hopefully become a responsible member of society.

To me, the bottom line is "Say what you mean, and mean what you say".

miko67

I have never been in your position, but the guys 48? He's got a job and he knows as well as you do that he should be tieing his own shoelaces.
Sounds like your good hearted and kind.
peace

Tuffgirl

Welcome, Suni. I think you've been incredibly generous already, and three months notice is another huge generosity. Must landlords only give 30 days notice in an eviction. And they don't care what any person's "issues" may be.

At 47 - this isn't a young man anymore. Time he learned to be a responsible and productive member of society.

Best of luck to you,
~T

bloss

You are not overreacting, set the boundaries and do not change them. Follow through with your plan, be firm. Enabling a person is not helpful to them. Take care of yourself.

miamifella

I think it is wrong to wait a year to act on this and then give three months notice. This all should have been done sooner and three months seems far too long.

Natom

Hey Suni,

Sounds like you and your husband are being taken advantage of. I'm an addict. The situation your stepson is in sounds absolutely fantastic. Get out of prison, everything is set. Roof over my head, a bit of money. He is milking the good hearted nature of you and your husband. Us addicts and alcoholics need consequences. I'm not going to tell you what to do. But I will tell you that whatever you do decide to do is probably for his own good.

Natom.

Thepatman

Same here as the others. But simple respect in your house is totally the ultimate.

Xune

You and your husband are under no obligation to care for him or provide him with a roof over his head.

Nothing more to be said.

wpainterw

I don't know all the facts but from what you say it seems to me that your "tough love" is justified and on the right track. He has to do it for himself. Maybe when he gets this message, and if he seems to be making progress, it might be possible to ease up a bit and help him out in various ways. But, from what I've seen with other families, kids often improve if they are out there living on their own rather than with their families. Have you talked about these issues with a counselor, or perhaps stopped in at an Alanon meeting? Alanon folks have lots of experience in these respects. Good luck.

W.

firestorm090

When I was 22 and just out of the military, my father gave me 90 days to find a job, buy a car, and move out.

It was one of the best gifts he ever gave me, for it made me grow up real quick.

least

Three months is more than fair. I'd get him out of there as soon as possible so you two can have a real life. Let him sink or swim on his own merits.

Zebra1275

After going through a year of this behavior, I wouldn't do another 3 months.

3 minutes maybe, but not 3 months. In my opinion you are being taken advantage of.