austinG1960

Hi All -- So maybe I'm an alcoholic or maybe I'm not... My wife of 29 years has gone into her second 30 day alcohol rehab stint this year (never before this year). I've got very mixed feelings about this... for 30 years she's been my lover, drinking buddy, best friend, etc. Now, everything has changed and my drinking buddy is gone. Am I a selfish oaf for wondering what's next? She was a chef, knew all wines, was a connoisseur of fine wines and Champagnes... but fell in love with vodka and beer more than anything, including our autistic daughter. I want to continue to drink (which is, of course, ridiculous, and I will stop) but I miss my "girl" and our relationship. We met in an after-hours club in Hollywood and have been drinking together ever since. Is it weird to miss that "drinking relationship"? Do I need to just get over it and stop, as well? It's a very strange future, where, I guess, because she's reached her plateau and must stop (trust me, that is bottom line), I must too? What happened to my "drinking buddy"?

Sapling

What happened to your drinking buddy?....She's taking a shot at stopping the insanity....I admire her for that. I don't think you are worried about your relationship...More like how this will affect your drinking....Think about it.

GirlFromCO

That's what stood out at me too, Sap. Do you think that's true, austinG?

coraltint

My wife & I met as bartenders. I had to get sober first...probably similar reasons as to why your wife has to stop (kids involved). I'm sure she missed her drinking buddy for a while, but my life & outlook got so much better the longer I was sober, and by proximity, so did hers. So she was grudgingly supportive.

I suggest you try stifle your "drinking buddy" needs & encourage her....she's trying to better her & your daughter's life. If she pulls it off, yours will get better too, whether you're drinking or not.

dedubya

Dude
are you serious? I really dont get this. Shes in rehab (thank God good for her), made a decision, do you want to be around her is a question. If so stop. Because when she gets out she'll be healthy and doesnt need to see you drinking. Just my opinion.why dont you both choose to not drink and be together. I dont know you but..make the decsion and dont screw her up. theres a reason for 2 rehabs and the dude applauds her for that.
best to you
dub

Thepatman

Similar then others. If a relationship is based on partying or sex for example something is not healthy. Just my 50 cents . Good luck!

soberlicious

First off...29 years...wow. That's great. Secondly, I too have a child with autism so I understand what that means and what it entails. I wouldn't say you are selfish for missing your drinking buddy, and I applaud your honesty here. What I would suggest is that your relationship with alcohol is not the healthiest. When it ranks up there with your lifelong partner, well...you hear what I'm saying?

She is still your girl...show her that you are strong enough to be her man.

Dee74

Hi Austin

Well, I think it's pretty understandable to be apprehensive about change after 30 years.

I drank or drugged for nearly that long...I was terrified of change myself - but it all turned out great for me....I rediscovered a me I'd forgotten about.

I wasn't with anyone at the time - I met my wife later....but if I had to give somethign up for her well being..I wouldn't even blink...in a heartbeat, man.

As others have said, if you're having trouble with this decision, perhaps it's a sign that maybe things need to change anyway?

D

Threshold

Major change is scary stuff. Most of us have mourned the loss of our drinking buddy...even if that "buddy" was just our drunk self. We had to go through the stages of grief even though the relationship that was ending was a substance abuse one.

It's human and to allow it and acknowledge it is MUCH better than denying it.

We don't know how things are going to look and feel after the cards are reshuffled.

Getting sober now...you'll be doing it along side your best friend, which is pretty damn awesome.

Stay open to changing perspectives, and be real forgiving of yourself, and her...because it's going to be an eye opening experience and growing pains are inevitable.

ebshot

I am on the other side of this situation. My husband and I were drinking buddies too. He left for a year long military deployment and after 3 months of him being gone and my life completely falling apart, I entered recovery. His response has been one of relief and support, not one of "what happened to my drinking buddy."

I also have an autistic child and I can say with 100% certainty that I can care for him so much better now that I am sober than I did when I was still actively drinking. Instead of looking at how her sobriety is negatively affecting you, perhaps you could look at how her sobriety will positively affect you all? In my case, the positives have outweighed the negatives in abundance.

pattyj

I am not married but I have a boyfriend that I have been with for 6 years. Our first dates were always to a bar, all we needed was each other and some alcohol and we could have a great night of laughing and chatting into the wee hours. We have gone to all inclusive resorts, cruises, etc and had the best times together. We spend weekends at wineries with his parents. My drinking was getting out of hand, I couldn't stop at one bottle of wine, let alone a glass. He can. I decided to quit and it's been tough. I told him my concerns that he was losing his drinking buddy. His reply was 'I love you way more sober then drunk and I have great sober memories with you and would love to make more of those.' He still has a drink now and then and it doesn't bother me but definitely not what he used to drink with me. But if he had told me that he was mad about losing his best drinking buddy, I may not have the power to work on my sobriety. Try a counselor to talk about your feelings or attend a family function at the rehab that your wife is attending. I am positive they have heard this concern before and have some suggestions for you. But you also need to take a look at your drinking habits. Is it time for you to slow down or maybe quit as well? Also, imagine yourself in your wife's shoes. You're in rehab for the second time and your spouse is worried about losing their drinking buddy? How would you feel about that?