firestorm090

My wife told me to stop drinking, but I refused.
Now she's married to a guy who doesn't drink.

Hmmmm.

Coldfusion

(1) Yes.

(2) You still have more groups to try? Go for it!

firestorm090

Eliminating alcohol from our lives allows us to cross the divide between our significant others and join with them instead of remaining aloof and separate. Alcohol drives wedges into our relationships and that's why our wives feel lost and abandoned. My ex wife felt we drifted apart long before the booze really drove us apart, but I was too drunk by then to know what had really happened. I thought she was trying to control me, while the reality was she was trying to save "us" and I let that slip through my fingers while holding a drink.

Today I regret not doing whatever I could do to change the eventual outcome of our marriage. I truly miss the love she brought into my life, which no amount of booze has ever replaced.

That said, recovery is what she really wanted, and I suspect that's all your wife really wants too. Do whatever it takes to bring back the guy she married and maybe she'll remain the woman you walked down the ailse with.

gigi0310

I had a similar issue with my husband. After about 2 weeks, I told him it isn't going to help going to meetings if I am only doing it for him. I finally found meetings that I enjoyed and stuck with those.

I also included my husband in meetings. We went to the family night at the clinic (free) and he said he learned a lot.

Just some thoughts,

gigi

wpainterw

Try different groups. What is unfortunate here is that you are attending AA because of an ultimatum from your wife, like some do because of a court order. This makes it hard for you to really identify with the program and benefit from it. In the final analysis, recovery should come from within the person, doing it for himself, not for someone else. And sometimes there are losses along the way, loss of spouse, loss of other things. But if recovery comes, it is worth all the losses since it is the end of the slavery which addiction imposes.

W.

kitkat1

Hi, Cowboy...

When I relapsed a little over two weeks ago, I felt awful...physically, mentally, emotionally. Such despair I experienced. But beneath that despair was hope...that had not left me, for I knew I would be returning to the rooms of AA, and I had seen the Program work for me before and for COUNTLESS others. I'm only on day 15, but the game plan is to attend 90 meetings in 90 days, use my sponsor, begin my step work again, and generally to do all the things suggested to me in the Program. I am doing all the things that got me sober to begin with...and more.

I have faith that AA works if I work it...as suggested to me, and it will for you and anyone else who dives in and gives it their all. I was told that I needed to go to meetings until I WANTED to go. And that has happened for me already.

The best of luck to you. Try to keep an open mind, have some willingness and let the process unfold. I know that what I have done at times in the past didn't work, so I must be willing to try something different.

Take care, Kat

flutter

There are other options besides AA.. maybe research them (counseling, outpatient rehab, SMART recovery, etc) and present your wife with an alternative that you feel would work better for you. Personally I saw an addiction psychologist 2x a week for about 6 months (and did all the 'work' he suggested). A lot of people find recovery in AA, but as has already been said, the steps are the program, not the meetings.

jennikate

I too was forced into AA by my husband who was desperate for me to stop drinking. Me? Not so much...at the time. This was September of 2011. I went off and on broken up by long stretches of drinking. Then one night at detox, 5 nights at the psych ward, 7 more nights at the psych ward, an IOP program, rehab, and one last 10 day bender. I have now been sober for 7 months. I got and stay sober with the program of AA. I go to meetings (arrive early and stay late), have a sponsor and am working the steps, have a committment, do my morning and evening meditations, and listen, listen, listen. I now love AA and believe the program has saved my life both literally and figuratively. When I was going for my husband, I clearly did not want to be there. I was angry and bitter at what I perceived to be an overly controlling husband. I went lower and lower and the progression was fast.
As for finding a group that "clicks", I'd say go to as many different meetings as possible. I've probably been to at least 30 different meetings more than once. I agree some meetings are better than others but I honestly don't feel that I have left a meeting without getting something from it. I just have to be open and willing to receive the message.
I wish you the best with all of this and certainly hope you don't need to fall as low as I did before I was ready.

Minimus

Been there, done that. Didn't work. Went to AA meeting, then to liquor store, took a nip or two before coming home. Figured what she didn't know wouldn't hurt her. That might or might not have been true. Never got the chance to test the theory, since she knew at once I had been nipping. (They get awfully good at that. Some sort of survival mechanism, I imagine.) Confronted me. I did the logical thing and lied. No traction there. I waxed indignant at the accusation I had been drinking - even though I had been drinking. Bad scene followed, with the usual result: more drinking, more trouble. There was bad stuff around the bend and bearing down on me when the above happened. But the bad stuff -all from drinking, of course- was what it took to topple me into rehab, after a wash, spin and dry cycle of which I wound up. . . back in AA meetings, this time with a different attitude and, as the saying goes, a new pair of glasses. It wasn't all that easy for me even then to make a connection with the program, but when it finally happened, it transformed my life. Not all at once, not overnight, not without time and (some) effort. Having more or less run out of options, at least options I cared to consider, I just kept going to meetings, and eventually they began to appeal to me. Only much later did it occur to me that the purpose of going to meetings in the first place was not to enjoy them, like them, "get something out of them" or even understand them. It was certainly not, or should not have been, to approve or disapprove of them, the ideas, the people, etc. How in the world would I have known enough to judge? Somehow, though, I did - or thought I did. I don't know what made me think I knew what I was doing when I thought like that. It seems comical to me now. The results of such thinking were not all that funny, however: I stopped going to meetings and started drinking again. Marriage blown to smithereens not long thereafter. Attracted the attention of law enforcement due to certain problems arising from the operation of a motor vehicle in a (grossly) inebriated state. All heck broke loose. This seems to be what it takes for some of us, a good pounding and working over to prepare the soil for recovery. When I was at the stage you describe, I wasn't ready. John Barleycorn(alcohol) helped me get ready. It was not a pleasant procedure.

Recovery from alcoholism is still a mystery to me. I don't understand why it happens to some and not to others. It seems that readiness is required, but many alcoholics, no matter what happens, never get ready. Suffering alone is not the key, for plenty of us suffer and die without reaching recovery.

Sapling

Nice post Minimus...Definitely rings a bell with me.

Threshold

So what DOES work? What is keeping you clean and sober this time?

What are you doing differently that insures you won't start drinking and using?

Instead of sitting in meetings and critiquing how they aren't for you...is there anything you can take from them that IS for you? Is there anything you can bring to the meetings that might help someone else?

If AA really isn't where you belong, and you are all about honesty and putting energy where it will do the most good, then sit down with your wife, an addiction recovery counselor, and figure out what works for you, what you WILL work at and get a program together and do it. If your wife needs to see some accountability then figure out what that means and follow through.

Results speak louder than anything.

Natom

I read the first post and then skimmed the rest of them. Sounds like your wife is getting a bit annoyed that you aren't doing what she wants you to do, which is stay sober. Although a great deal of us can understand your wifes frustration I don't particularly think the way she is handling this situation is the best. Like several other people have said 3 meetings in 3 weeks isn't enough to actually 'get' AA. It's a program of action. You don't just walk into the room and come out 'cured'. It works if you work the program. It has done for thousands of people.

There are other recovery methods out there. Sit down with your wife and put all the cards on the table. She won't understand your alcoholism. You shouldn't expect her to. The only thing you can do is let her know you are aware of your problem and that you would like to explore the other recovery options available to you.

Natom.

BadCompany

So you made a deal with your wife to save your relationship and now you are trying to get out of it. How has this worked before?

Db1105

I would suggest that your wife go to Al-Anon.

I was court ordered to attend AA. I thought they were all full of Sh$@. I knew that there was some way that I could still party and stay out of trouble. It took me a year to wake up and admit I was powerless over alcohol. Jail, overdosed, accidents, trips to the nut house, and beatings by the local cops didn't get me to stop. What got me to stop was a moment of honesty.

I can only assume that it was something I heard in the meetings that woke me up. It just took awhile for my drunken, drug clogged brain to click.

BarrysMama

Well.. I understand her frustration.. but, kicking someone out who is ILL, & lets face it, alcoholism is a disease no different from cancer, is just sad and wrong to me. How is that supposed to help a sick person?? sad.. well anyway, we are all here for you!!

BarrysMama

.. I dont believe ultimatums are meant for diseased people. Point blank. Tell her that.

totfit

I would explain that it is your recovery not hers. I would also let her know that AA is not helpful to everyone and no more effective than any other method. If she still insists, then if it were me, I would leave keeping sobriety as my first priority.

Mark75

Sometimes that is all a person can do for that alcoholic in their life... If they can't save the alcoholic, they can save themselves.

Alcoholism is different from cancer.... Alcoholism takes hostages.

miamifella

I think there is a danger in using the disease model of alcoholism as a way to avoid responsibility.

Alcoholism is different than cancer. One can decide to put one's alcoholism into remission.

Minimus

Depends on how you look at it. There are, for example, several kinds of blood and lymph cancer that can, with treatment, be put and kept into complete remission. I am not sure, but I think something akin to this now also applies to HIV.

Taking responsibility in such cases means facing reality, admitting that one is indeed ill, and obtaining and sticking with treatment that is known to work for the particular disease. Sometimes the treatment is painful or unpleasant, at least for a while. There are few medical treatments that might accurately be described as enjoyable. There are none that I know of that require the patient to understand or agree with them in order to be effective. The only thing that is needed is cooperation/compliance.

This is not as easy as it sounds. The non-compliance with treatment rate of patients with chronic diseases -all chronic diseases- is startling.