figments

As the subject of my post says, I honestly don't know what to think. The situation basically goes like this: my boyfriend thinks I have a drinking problem, but I'm not sure that I do. So I'm going to be completely honest to you guys here to see what the unbiased stranger makes of it. Feel free to be as direct as you like, I'd really like to get to the bottom of this.

So it's difficult to say how much I drink when I do drink, but it's probably somewhere around 8 shots of vodka in one evening, maybe a bit more at times. But this only happens once (occasionally twice) a week, and the rest of the time I don't drink any alcohol at all. A long time ago it used to be almost every night, but I stopped that – actually I stopped drinking at all for a while.

To be honest, I'd probably drink more often if I thought I could get away with it, but I know I can't, so I don't. I often find myself looking forward to the next time I can drink. My drinking causes a lot of arguments between me and my boyfriend as it is, but that doesn't necessarily mean I have a problem, right?

I don't think the quantity is a lot when it's only once or twice a week, so I don't agree with my boyfriend when he says it's excessive. But I do have some other concerns...

I've never been able to stop at one or two drinks. I'm aware that this could be indicative of a problem, but I don't really see it as that big of a deal on its own.

I've also done some stupid things while drunk, but who hasn't? I've never been in trouble with the law or anything like that. I don't black out, but sometimes I'll forget conversations I've had with people. Sometimes I have vague memories about being rude to people, or saying too much about something that was private. Of course, I feel bad about it the next day (sometimes more than bad), but never quite bad enough for it to stop me drinking again.

But there's one thing that's been playing on my mind a lot recently, and I guess it's what's brought me to this forum. I know it's wrong and there's absolutely no excuse, but over the last couple of months I've started buying alcohol secretly, and hiding it from my boyfriend. He still knows when I've been drinking, but this way he doesn't know how much (in theory anyway).

I didn't think it would ever come to this, and I feel so ashamed about it – I think I'd die of shame if he ever found out and confronted me with it. There have been a few close calls, and each time I've told myself that it'll have to be the last time. But then I do it again. It's really insane and I know it's a bad idea, but I always manage to fool myself into thinking it's justified: if he wasn't so OTT about it, then I wouldn't need to hide it. It's true, he is OTT, but something in me tells me that this is quite alcoholic like behaviour and it scares the hell out of me that it's come to this. :-(

I'm sorry this turned out to be quite long, but I needed to get it all out.

IWillWin

Only you can decide if you are an alcoholic...

But, the behavior you describe is certainly alcoholic behavior. I knew I was a victim of the beast when I started hiding it in my house and drinking in secret. That's not normal. I'm not normal when I drink. I'm an alcoholic - and it took me a while to admit it but once I did, wow, what a burden lifted off my shoulders. It was EXHAUSTING to drink...the hiding, the secret shopping, the effort it took to make sure I was drunk when I wanted to be (which wasn't everyday but if my life allowed it I have NO doubt it would have been).

Keep reading and posting and researching. You will instinctively know...I'm going to guess you already do. It's all ok for a while...and then it's not.

What you do about it is the real challenge...good luck and best wishes!!

least

If your drinking causes arguments between you and your bf, yes, I'd say that indicates a problem. Also, 8 shots of vodka is a lot for one session, even if you only do it once or twice a week. What's more important: your relationship with your bf or your drinking?

Sapling

Nobody can tell you that you are an alcoholic but you...I can tell you that what you are describing isn't normal drinking. One good test you could try would be stopping for 90 days...If you can do that no problem...And not end up being irritable, restless and discontent...Then alcohol is probably not an issue for you....If you do feel that way when you remove the alcohol...You might want to address it....One thing I'm sure of about alcoholism...It is progressive...We get worse...Never better. I got to the point I was hiding it too...That's not a good sign.

miamifella

Lets look at the list.

Not remembering conversations, doing "stupid" things when drinking, revealing things that are supposed to be secret, not being able to stop at one or two drinks, wanting to drink more and thinking about the next opportunity to drink, and now drinking in secret.

You do realize that none of these things is normal?

Anna

If you can't stop drinking once you start, then you're an alcoholic. Being an alcoholic isn't measured by how much you drink or even how often, it depends what happens to you when you do drink. It sounds like your drinking behaviour causes problems in your life, especially with your boyfriend. Hiding alcohol is a huge red flag. I know because I did exactly the same thing, thinking my husband was being unreasonable.

legna

When you walk into a recovery based venue, you're certainly going to get alot of people who will naturally assume that you have a problem and try to guide you to that answer. I'm not going to do that. First, you said that you were going to be completely honest with us and my gut tells me that you did a pretty good job of that. Frankly, most alcoholics that I know lost the ability to be honest about their drinking and so, if you really did come clean, that's a good sign.

That is a pretty fair amount but it really makes a difference in my opinion, whether that eight drinks is over a twelve hour evening or over a four hour evening. Too, it matters why you drink. If you drink eight shots because you can't enjoy yourself without eight drinks, then there may be a problem whether or not your drinking has reached the stage of alcoholism or not.

I would definately drink more if I thought I could get away with it during my drinking career - and eventually I removed those things from my life that stood in the way of me doing so. Friends, family, job - eventually I let them all go.

Frankly, no. It is possible that you and he would argue anyway and he uses alcohol as a focal point for arguing with you. It is also possible that you are with someone who was raised to believe that any alcohol consumption is evil and therefore his tolerance for your drinking is nil. Those are unlikely but nevertheless possible. Without knowing what the arguments are about, it's tough to say. Here's a story though:

A woman went to a psychiatrist to deal with her problems with her husband. Her biggest complaint was that he called her an alcoholic. The psychiatrist asked her if she would be as upset if he called her a typewriter and she laughed at the ridiculousness of it. The point being, that if it was ridiculous to refer to her as an alcoholic, she wouldn't be upset - she'd laugh it off.

Yes, not being able to stop once you've begun is a very strong indication of a problem.

The first time my wife got in trouble with the law while under the influence, she recieved a sentence of life without the possibility of parole. She had a problem before she was in trouble with the law.

It was suggested to me that if, when I drink, I end up in places I don't want to be, with people I don't want to be with, and I do things I don't want to do (re: regret), then I may have a problem with alcohol.

Yeah, buying alcohol secretly or sneaking drinks is a huge red flag - of this there is no doubt. This is definately a problem - however, only you can say whether or not the problem is due to alcoholic behavior. Some people have very dysfunctional upbringings and have no idea how to set a boundary. It is probably happened that there are people out there who have snuck off to church or an AA meeting and hid it from their significant other. They also have a problem but it is a different problem than alcoholism (though they may have that one too).

Either way there seems to be a problem. Is it alcohol? I don't know. Certainly sounds like it could be. When you take your car in to be looked at because it's simply not running the way it should, the mechanic won't know what the specific problem is until he or she examines the car, runs some tests and rules some things out. Ultimately, he or she has to just get in there and figure it out. You have a problem right now. Might be alcohol - might not be, but it sounds like it's a pretty good place to start examining.

DFU

I hid it my wine and threw the bottles away so my husband wouldn't see them. I loved nights when he worked so I could drink without criticism or someone watching me. I thought it probably wasn't not normal, but I wasn't hurting anyone right? That was my denial talking and it caught up with me (that story is for another time). Anyway, I was forced to look at myself and my life and decide what was more important - my husband and kids who love me, or my wine which wants to see me be miserable, empty and alone. It's so hard, but so worth it.

Tamerua

I cannot drink just one or two, that's why I'm here. I also tend to make an ass of myself with regards to the things that I say and feel like an a hole the next day. No more of that for me.

Cyndy40

This sounds so much like my story. When I do drink I drink 7-10 glasses of wine, not everyday or every week I would do it every couple weeks. I would get into arguments with my partner, I would stop on my way home and buy like a couple of 4 packs of wine and stop down the street before getting home from work sit in my car and drink them. Until I realized it finally did turn into a couple times a week, so yeah I would say the road your going down right now is not a good one. Because of what I have done is the reason why I am here not because my partner finally said its your drinking that goes or me. I am doing it for me that's it. You just need to figure out what is best for you not for someone else, that's not going to happen until you figure out and be honest with yourself that your on the wrong road. Only you can help you the rest is the support that will be here when you need it.

Camperboy

[QUOTE=Anna;3737791]If you can't stop drinking once you start, then you're an alcoholic.

Totally disagree with that statement.
My brother in law drinks that way..........once a week at the very most he drinks, usually on a Saturday night.
He doesn`t touch a drop any other night but when he drinks on the Saturday he is simply a gutton and nothing more.
No alcoholic, no boozer, just a greedy glutton on the night he drinks.
He is the farthest thing from an alcoholic

Dee74

I agree with Anna.

You don't need to drink every day to be an alcoholic.

Dunno about your brother in law, but I was both a binge drinker and an all day everyday drinker at different points in my long drinking career.

Look back at both points I consider myself to have been alcoholic all the way through...they were just different points in the progression for me.

D

CharlieNoogan

As others have said, only you can decide if you have a problem with alcohol.

In hindsight, at about the same time I started asking myself whether I had a problem, I did. I just denied it for several more years. The issue with being at the stage you are is that it is too easy to reason with yourself that since you aren't facing serious consequences from drinking you don't have a problem. But, given time, the consequences will come. That is simply the way this disease progresses.

You have a choice in front of you now. You can leave booze behind and move on, or you can dig yourself deeper into the pit of alcoholic despair. Your choice. I hope you make the best decision for you.

lillyknitting

Your behaviour sounds a lot like mine did. Drinking caused absolutely no end of problems between me &my hubby, then me & my daughter, to the extent I felt they were ganging up on me. I thought about it a lot and came to the conclusion whether I'm called an alcoholic or not, do I want this life? Do I want to keep waking up in the mornings feeling like this? Do I want the terrible rows, fights, anxiety, panic attacks, hangovers to the point where I'm so unwell I can't function. Take the family out of the equation and ask yourself what do YOU want. Then, try abstaining for a good period of time, say 90/100 days and see how it feels. I'm not saying every argument is your fault, or that everything is perfect, ha, far from it, but today I have peace, clear headedness, feel healthier, happier within myself. Good luck

firestorm090

Determining if we are alcoholics is a personal conclusion, although there are similar traits that all of us seem to share. Hiding alcohol can be done in various ways, such as denying how many drinks we had, or that we drank at all, along with stashing bottles in the toilet tank, or under the bed for a quick snort before lights out.

I sincerely wish I had listened to the many warnings I had during the years of my alcoholic stupor. My ex wife wanted me to stop, told me it made me into a different person, then asked me to go to treatment, and ultimately asked me for a divorce. I can't blame her in the least, for I refused to heed the warnings.

Some of us do not stop in time to avert many of the mishaps we experience while continuing to drink. It's hard to explain the true emptiness, the shear terror experienced, the awful shame, regret, embarrassment, and self-loathing that become part of our lives due to our refusal to face the obvious.

It sounds as if you have not gone to the depths of hell that some of us have, so you still have time to turn things around before you slip over the edge. It's a great step to come here and bare your thoughts and be open to the insights of many here who have gone through the exact line of thinking you have, have had the self-doubts and reluctance to give up something we think is not harming us. In the end only you can decide, and hopefully the insights you receive will help you make the best choice for you.

Dee74

sorry Figments - looks like my earlier post to you didn't take...

like I said in the later post...if you find yourself not being able to stop once you start, that's a problem...

if your drinking puts you in dangerous or embarrassing situations, or you can't remember what you did the night before, that's a problem too....(and keep in mind blacking out is not passing out....

if your drinking causes problems in your relationship, and is making you indulge in behaviour you feel ashamed about, that's a problem as well...

it doesn't really matter what you call it , you have several problems there that I think you need to address for your own well being...

I know you'll find a lot of support here....
D

figments

Wow, I didn't expect so many replies so fast... thank you.

After reading all your replies, then my original post again, and then all your replies again... I think I'm coming to the following conclusion:

I think my boyfriend does have quite a low tolerance to people drinking, BUT... that doesn't mean I don't have a problem. And I think I probably do. I don't know if I'd call myself alcoholic, but drinking is a problem for me nonetheless. A few of you said I'm not drinking normally - and you're right. I already knew it, yet I didn't know it... if that makes any sense.

A couple of you suggested that I try to stop drinking for 90 days (sorry, I don't remember who said that now). I don't need to try it to know that I'd find it near impossible. In the heat of an argument I've told my boyfriend on a few occasions that I'll stop drinking completely - I can't do it. It usually lasts two or three weeks, and then I think I can't have a drinking problem if I could stop for that long, and I start again.

Anyway I didn't want to make another long post, I just wanted to thank you all for taking the time to respond. I appreciate it.

Sapling

Listen...I have no problem saying I am an alcoholic...I am one. I think one of the reasons I felt so at peace going to my first AA meeting was I was not only admitting that to myself....I found out I wasn't alone...That these people weren't bums carrying brown bags...They were just like me. I've seen how progressive this is...You will get worse...It will blindside you. I didn't like the word Alcoholic...It terrified me...But I came to realize the one thing that kept me drinking as my life fell apart around me was fear....I was consumed with it. If you can't stop...Think about the reasons why you can't.

Threshold

figments, in the end it's about what we want out of our own life.

If we like what we get by drinking, and it's worth what we give up to have it, then fine. If we find that we are giving up things we value for a drinking experience that is unfulfilling, then....we stop. but if we find we can't "just stop"....then we have a problem.

That lack of real choice is VERY scary. And many of us hide from it, because it's terrifying to think that maybe we can't stop...or maybe we don't want to stop, and maybe we really are willing to throw it all away for another night drunk...

but this is our life, the only one we get so the choice is ours...do we want to drink or do we have other things on our agenda.

If I start drinking, it trumps everything else and I want other things in my life than one long wasted blur. So I stopped drinking. It leaves me available for other things.

For me, it's not that complicated. I could spend the rest of my life trying to work out complicated bargains with my brain and booze, or I can let stop playing a game I can't win and do 100,000 other things with my life.

That's my reality. It doesn't matter what other people can do in regard to alcohol. I can't drink and have a life as well. I choose life.

ReadyAtLast

If you want to stop drinking this site is brilliant. As others have said,it is progressive and will only get worse. I know you say you can't stop but you can stop,with support.Many on here have stopped. There is a lot of support here. I'm new to recovery and in the December class on here of people all at a similar stage,wanting to stop drinking this month. come join us,maybe give it a try.what have you got to lose?