miamifella

Now that you are being more upfront it is clear from the timeline that your drug use is escalating.

I would agree with your therapist that you need more intensive help and supervision. Better to deal with the judgements people have over you going to rehab than the judgements they will have about your behavior as the drinking and drugging get more intense.

I think you are lucky not to be able to drive. Things could be far worse for you if you were living on your own and had transportation and money. Please deal with this now before you get your license back.

Mark75

Well.. I am not purposely trying to noodle up your brain... and, well, these topics usually get a little hard to handle in newcomers, better discussed in the 12 step section...

But...

Looking at it from a theological POV, in which I am NOT an expert and I am not particularly eloquent...

If God gave us free will... what is the point then? Aligning our will with His... or not? It is not that we can just decide that we have no free will... we do, we must, have free will... we can't survive without it... It is more in the searching and in aligning our will with His...

GWillikers

I can appreciate that. In that sense, the acknowledgement of you flaws allows you to let them to not define you. Someone said to me once, "It's not your fault, but it is your responsibility." I liked that, thanks.


I can relate to the emptiness in that post. Thanks, Ken.

GWillikers

Good point. I've seen advertisements for rehabs that look nice. I'm not opposed to going. But the outpatient at the cheapest I could find was $8,000 for 2.5 months. I just don't have it.

Even with an outpatient program, I don't see how I'd work it around my job. The nearest place is an hour away by bus, and I'd have to be there by six, so leave work by five. My hours are 10:30 to 7:30. I'd have to quit. It's not unreasonable to say that if I continue down this path, I'll lose my job anyway... But I hope I can find a more balanced approach.

I get that a lot. Honestly, the first year really did have a punishment/deterrent effect. But now that it has become a lifestyle, it just keeps me from being able to do what I need to do. I think I'd have a better chance addressing my drug addiction if I could physically get myself to places that offer help. I'm able to get to AA meetings out in SF because they're on my bus route. So there's no excuse for not going to those.

I get my license back around the end of March. I hope/plan/am making the effort to at least be working a program and have some sober time by then.

Thanks for the thoughts, fella.

GWillikers

Well put, thanks.

Wifi

Hmmmm.... Where to start??? Welcome to SR... There is a lot of good recovery and advise available here...

My first question is do you REALLY REALLY deep down want to stop or did you just come here to vent? The only reason I ask is I think that no matter what recovery method you use you have to be committed 100% to sobriety. That would mean everything Presc. drugs, alcohol, meth, crack, etc... It isn't easy to quit even when your totally committed so I guess my question is are you willing to do anything it takes to get sober?

If yes, then look into the many methods available these days (SMART, AVRT, AA, NA, Etc) and get to work... I wish you the best...

miamifella

Why not call one of these places that you cannot afford or fit into your schedule. Sometimes rehabs do take motivated patients pro bono or can recommend another program that can work for you. Your therapist may also have some suggestions if you ask.

soberlicious

There are also alternatives to 12 step programs. Maybe check out the secular section here or google the alternatives.

GWillikers

I want to be free of the craving and obsessing. I don't know how bad I want it. I think I want it enough to be 100% committed. I feel like that right now. But then I get an urge and say f* it. The last two nights the obsession was there and I started planning how I was going to get more, made a pipe, etc. Then I did one of the Three Minute Refutations that I learned in SMART. Then I broke the pipe an threw out the utensils. Both nights I did this.

The question "Are you willing to do whatever it takes to get sober?" is easy to say yes to in despair. But my willingness changes, and that's what scares me.

But, yes, I also came here to vent. I don't think it has to be an either/or for that, does it? I also came to hear the voices of other people living a sober life, or working at it, to get some positive thoughts in my head. I don't talk to many people during the day, so this is also an outlet for "socializing", I guess. I don't mean that lightheartedly, but I do appreciate the interaction. I hope that's not wrong.

CaiHong

Hi and Welcome,

let me first congratulate you on your therapist. Nothing willl change for you until you want that change and you are basically pissing in the wind at the moment.

AA is keeping me sober and SR is one of the best supports I have. because of where I live I can't make meetings easily but study and follow the AA program. AA is a program that I can not fault, don't confuse the program with personalities.
it is my recovery and only my recovery that I should be keeping an eye on, not others ,that's not my business.
People are not faking it in the rooms when they want your recovery, that is the magic of the fellowship.
I sincerely hope you find the inner conviction to stop. Step one. We are here for you the rest is up to you.
I wish you all the best
CaiHong

GWillikers

I called one. That's the one that gave me the quote. The woman who answered said that they don't do a sliding scale program, but she gave me an 800# to call for information about others that might. I haven't called it yet b/c I'm not in the right environment right now to be making calls about rehab. Need a little privacy. Sounds like an excuse to procrastinate, I know.

KissMyTiara

You make 43K a year and live at home. I would think you could afford something if you can't do it on your own.

GWillikers

Work wasn't always 32hr/wk, and I had to take three weeks off when I got hit by the car. I grossed $31k last year, $27k after taxes. $800/mo to parents, $150/mo to DUI fine. $100/mo to DUI school. $400/mo for public transportation (when I work a full week). $7k in medical bills for surgery on collarbone, but have only paid ~$2k so far.

Money is getting better. But I'm more worried about losing the job. I'd really like to give AA/NA a full hearted attempt, along with SMART meetings which I can get to twice a week, before quitting the job.

jennikate

Do they not have morning meetings in SF? Where I live, there are meetings at 7:30 am every day. Now, I know it would kinda suck but when I first got sober I went every morning and I went to a meeting at night. Have you called the AA hotline? A lot of times people will pick you up to go to meetings. Where there's a will, there's a way.
On the other hand, it wasn't until I was absolutely desperate that I really started to work the program. I knew and know now that if I drink again it will most likely lead to my death.

SeekSobriety

There are AA and NA meetings multiple times a day, in person, on line, on the phone etc.
My recommendation would be to get to a meeting ASAP, Find a Sponsor to help you walk through the 12 steps of recovery. It works IF you work it.
It is recommended to go to 90 meetings in 90 days, some people go more, some less.

You can find literature and more information at Alcoholics Anonymous :
or NA

There is probably a meeting happening in the next hour or so, Why not head down to a meeting right now? Raise your hand as a newcomer and find a Sponsor or at least a temporary sponsor to help lead you on your road to Sobriety (If that is what you want)

All the best to you,
Seek

nogard

Welcome to SR

been reading this thread. Nobody here or elswhere can fix you. But they can support you if your trying to help yourself?

As Dee said, time to jump?

Coldfusion

Well, I'm off to a meeting with my sponsor. He is not "an untrained stranger dictating my do's and don'ts--" we are more like friends who get together for a discussion. Ever hear of a "drinking buddy?" He is kind of like a "sobriety buddy."

GWillikers

Thank you everyone for your input. I'm sorry if I come off as obnoxious and naive, especially with what are likely ignorant misconceptions of what the AA/NA programs are like when you've really put your all into them.

The only thing productive I've done today is to get ahold of the severity of my situation,, and I appreciate your perspectives, even those I don't want to hear/ believe. I've got my two big books (NA & AA) with me and am starting over to really internalize step 1.
Tomorrow I will contact my previous sponsor to see if he's still willing/able to work with me again. I'm going to take the bus to a meeting after work tomorrow,.and either way I will have a sponsor by the end of the day, even if just a temporary one. My posts to what

I realize that this site is for people who really want recovery, not to wallow and whine about their woes with using. And I realize that this means taking action, so I will try to limit the use of this site to sharing how I'm working towards sobriety, intead of trying to defend all the excuses as to why I'm not doing anything.

Hope to share some progress with you soon.

Delilah1

Welcome to SR.

Sapling

Step one in the Big Book of AA is covered in The Doctor's Opinion and pages 1 through 43. Pages 1 through 23 deal with the physical craving...Pages 23 through 43 deal with the mental obsession....From where it says...

These observations would be academic and pointless if our friend never took the first drink, thereby setting the terrible cycle in motion. Therefore, the main problem of the alcoholic centers in his mind, rather than in his body.

I'd read that...Then read it again.