My Story
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 160
My Story
I found this forum while randomly searching google. I was searching to see if anyone else had them problem of not being able to stop drinking once they started. I am feeling really alone in my situation and I thought maybe if I told my story, then there has to be someone that can relate and tell me they've made it through.
I started drinking when I was 17. It was never anything frequent, but when I would drink, I would get black out drunk. I was depressed about a lot of things back then, and it made me forget for a while. I was also very shy, and it made me open up.
I kept drinking once a week or so, but getting very drunk. I'd also get very billergerent and try to fight people. I'm lucky I have such good friends, otherwise I would have none. I never thought I was an alcoholic because I would only drink once a week.
I joined the Air Force when I was 19. It was very important for me, so I chose not to drink until I legally could at 21. It was not worth the risk. So, I went just about 2 years without drinking. I started going to bars at 21 and would keep getting black out drunk. I never drove drunk, but I had a lot of close calls because of all the stupid crap I would do. I would get so billergerent. I just had so much anger inside of me, and when I got drunk, it would come out.
I did a 6 month deployment. During the deployments, we can't drink. The night we landed back in the states, we got a hotel for the night. Not a day goes by that I don't wish I could go back. I got black out drunk again. But, this time, there was no one to look out for me. I ended up stealing the hotel shuttle bus and crashing it into a group of vehicles. I have no memory of the incident, and have no idea why I did it. I was arrested and charged with over 15 crimes.
I was subsequently discharged from the military. They discharged me before my trial, because they thought that would be best. I lost my benefits, and my 3 years I had spent in, were almost for not. I finally went to trial a few months after getting discharged. I got extremely lucky and they dropped all the charges except one. You would think that at this point, I would never drink again.
I went back to the bottle. Slowly at first, thinking I could control it this time. It was going to be different. Once again, I would only drink 2 times a week. But, I would get black out drunk. It all came to a head again on Saturday. I got black out drunk and became beligerent and made a fool of myself in front of so many people I knew.
I'm tired of letting it control my life. I'm depressed now that I've continued drinking all this time, when all its done is bad. I don't know why I keep going back to it. I wanted to share my story, and see if anyone has gone through something simliar. I want to know I can make it through this. I feel alone in all of this, because none of my friends have the same problem with alcohol that I do. It just makes me feel so good, I feel like I'm not alone anymore when I drink. I need to know theres a light on the otherside.
I'm sorry this is a long post, but I had a lot to say. I'm hoping you all will have a lot to say to me.
I started drinking when I was 17. It was never anything frequent, but when I would drink, I would get black out drunk. I was depressed about a lot of things back then, and it made me forget for a while. I was also very shy, and it made me open up.
I kept drinking once a week or so, but getting very drunk. I'd also get very billergerent and try to fight people. I'm lucky I have such good friends, otherwise I would have none. I never thought I was an alcoholic because I would only drink once a week.
I joined the Air Force when I was 19. It was very important for me, so I chose not to drink until I legally could at 21. It was not worth the risk. So, I went just about 2 years without drinking. I started going to bars at 21 and would keep getting black out drunk. I never drove drunk, but I had a lot of close calls because of all the stupid crap I would do. I would get so billergerent. I just had so much anger inside of me, and when I got drunk, it would come out.
I did a 6 month deployment. During the deployments, we can't drink. The night we landed back in the states, we got a hotel for the night. Not a day goes by that I don't wish I could go back. I got black out drunk again. But, this time, there was no one to look out for me. I ended up stealing the hotel shuttle bus and crashing it into a group of vehicles. I have no memory of the incident, and have no idea why I did it. I was arrested and charged with over 15 crimes.
I was subsequently discharged from the military. They discharged me before my trial, because they thought that would be best. I lost my benefits, and my 3 years I had spent in, were almost for not. I finally went to trial a few months after getting discharged. I got extremely lucky and they dropped all the charges except one. You would think that at this point, I would never drink again.
I went back to the bottle. Slowly at first, thinking I could control it this time. It was going to be different. Once again, I would only drink 2 times a week. But, I would get black out drunk. It all came to a head again on Saturday. I got black out drunk and became beligerent and made a fool of myself in front of so many people I knew.
I'm tired of letting it control my life. I'm depressed now that I've continued drinking all this time, when all its done is bad. I don't know why I keep going back to it. I wanted to share my story, and see if anyone has gone through something simliar. I want to know I can make it through this. I feel alone in all of this, because none of my friends have the same problem with alcohol that I do. It just makes me feel so good, I feel like I'm not alone anymore when I drink. I need to know theres a light on the otherside.
I'm sorry this is a long post, but I had a lot to say. I'm hoping you all will have a lot to say to me.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Welcome Rick 
I think most of us here have the problem of not being able to stop once we start.
If you look around you'll find hundreds of people who've made it through and managed to stop drinking and change their lives
takes a few changes tho and a fair amount of effort and commitment but it's far from impossible.
I guess the question really is what are you prepared to do?
Joining here is a great start.
I found SR was the key for me in changing my life.
Others find they need more tho..
Are you interested in recovery groups like AA or a non 12 step alternative?
D
I think most of us here have the problem of not being able to stop once we start.
If you look around you'll find hundreds of people who've made it through and managed to stop drinking and change their lives
takes a few changes tho and a fair amount of effort and commitment but it's far from impossible.
I guess the question really is what are you prepared to do?
Joining here is a great start.
I found SR was the key for me in changing my life.
Others find they need more tho..
Are you interested in recovery groups like AA or a non 12 step alternative?
D
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,569
Welcome Rick. You are definitely NOT alone. I kept insisting I could control what I drank, and it almost cost me my life. I had dui's and all sorts of chaos because I refused to let go of it. Not sure why, since it was no longer fun - all it brought me was misery in the end.
I'm sorry for all you've been through, and all that you've lost. I hope you won't focus on that, though. It's very hard to get well when we are filled with guilt and remorse. You have a whole life ahead of you, and those bad things that happened can become a dim memory. You never have to go back there again.
I think you'll find it very helpful to be here. It lessened my anxiety in my early days of quitting. I had felt all alone until I found SR. You can get free from it, Rick!
I'm sorry for all you've been through, and all that you've lost. I hope you won't focus on that, though. It's very hard to get well when we are filled with guilt and remorse. You have a whole life ahead of you, and those bad things that happened can become a dim memory. You never have to go back there again.
I think you'll find it very helpful to be here. It lessened my anxiety in my early days of quitting. I had felt all alone until I found SR. You can get free from it, Rick!
Recognizes the Beast
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: In the kitchen, cooking up a storm
Posts: 704
Rick, you are definitely not alone. All of us here act differently when drunk, I was never much of any angry drunk. Instead I would embarrass myself by making unwanted advances on the most inappropriate women and of course being fall down drunk, being shot down.
However, all of us do share this problem: like you we can't stop at just one.
However, all of us do share this problem: like you we can't stop at just one.
Re-Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Colorado Springs, Colorado
Posts: 7,583
Welcome Rick,
Retired Air Force here. I made it through 27 years before punching out honorably, but it was close. I was old school Security Forces and it didn't get really bad until I was already retired ten years in 2008. If your discharge was in any way not dishonorable you may be able to detox in the VA hospital like I did with a follow on 28 day rehab which I skipped because I have a nice place and a wife and family to support me. I also used here on SR and AA as Dee was asking you about. You came to the right place, and Christmas Eve is as good a time as any.
I was drinking 30 units a day from wake up to falling out when I finally decided to quit rather than die from alcohol. I screwed up later than you is all. I made it, then augered in, and you can have a great career ahead if you sober up! I also had a lot of youngsters I tried to help that drank their way out. I am just glad you didn't kill yourself or anybody else yet. I am here for ya, if you are.
Retired Air Force here. I made it through 27 years before punching out honorably, but it was close. I was old school Security Forces and it didn't get really bad until I was already retired ten years in 2008. If your discharge was in any way not dishonorable you may be able to detox in the VA hospital like I did with a follow on 28 day rehab which I skipped because I have a nice place and a wife and family to support me. I also used here on SR and AA as Dee was asking you about. You came to the right place, and Christmas Eve is as good a time as any.
I was drinking 30 units a day from wake up to falling out when I finally decided to quit rather than die from alcohol. I screwed up later than you is all. I made it, then augered in, and you can have a great career ahead if you sober up! I also had a lot of youngsters I tried to help that drank their way out. I am just glad you didn't kill yourself or anybody else yet. I am here for ya, if you are.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,308
Hi and welcome Rick,
Sounds like you really need to give it away for good. It is never going to get better and you are never going to be able to moderate your drinking. I rarely talk in absolutes these days but of this I am sure.
Next thing to do is to find a solution. I found a solution with AA and the support of SR.
May you find your solution Rick
CaiHong
Sounds like you really need to give it away for good. It is never going to get better and you are never going to be able to moderate your drinking. I rarely talk in absolutes these days but of this I am sure.
Next thing to do is to find a solution. I found a solution with AA and the support of SR.
May you find your solution Rick
CaiHong
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 160
Thank you all for the kind of weirds. I do want to quit drinking. I am tired of ruining my life. I don't have a plan yet, but I know I need to quit. I need to stop lying to myself.
I'm tired of all my regrets. I can say sorry as much as I want, but I know its not enough. I can't change the things I did. I keep wanting to go back, and maybe thats something I need to work on. I need to focus on the futre and staying sober.
Itchy-I was also Security Forces as well. Thank you for the kind words from everyone. I feel better knowing people have been through similiar experiences.
I feel like I started drinking to cover up my depression and lonliness. I need to focus on the positives.
I'm tired of all my regrets. I can say sorry as much as I want, but I know its not enough. I can't change the things I did. I keep wanting to go back, and maybe thats something I need to work on. I need to focus on the futre and staying sober.
Itchy-I was also Security Forces as well. Thank you for the kind words from everyone. I feel better knowing people have been through similiar experiences.
I feel like I started drinking to cover up my depression and lonliness. I need to focus on the positives.
Clear Eyes Full Heart
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,272
Welcome Rick! Try not to deal with everything at once or it feels like it can't be done. Worry about the guilt when you have a little sober time under your belt.
You will probably find it's way easier to stop entirely than to moderate your drinking. We've all been there, you're not alone!!
You will probably find it's way easier to stop entirely than to moderate your drinking. We've all been there, you're not alone!!
Recognizes the Beast
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: In the kitchen, cooking up a storm
Posts: 704
Rick,
I've found that if you've turned your life around and gotten sober, most people, or those that are your real friends and loved ones will quickly forgive you for any past transgressions. Getting sober is the best possible way to make amends to any people you have hurt in the past. But as others have said, don't worry about that so much until you get through the early stages of recovery first.
All the best sir, you're among friends here.
I've found that if you've turned your life around and gotten sober, most people, or those that are your real friends and loved ones will quickly forgive you for any past transgressions. Getting sober is the best possible way to make amends to any people you have hurt in the past. But as others have said, don't worry about that so much until you get through the early stages of recovery first.
All the best sir, you're among friends here.
Re-Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Colorado Springs, Colorado
Posts: 7,583
Rick,
The guilt cannot be dealt with by drinking over it and then creating more to feel guilty about. Get yourself into AA as soon as you can. You have no idea how wonderful it can be to just listen and realize stronger men than us have been broken by their alcoholism. The marvel is that all we have to do is sober up and work on our own issues to get to where we can forgive ourselves, regain our honor and self respect, and begin to live a life as good as we are capable. It is like having your gun card pulled, you get stuck on admin or dorms but as long as you work your way back it is just getting it all back together in one bag. Then you have a chance at lifting it.
All of us have plenty we don't like to think about. But the guilt gets easier and easier to deal with with every month of sobriety. You have to get sober, and stabilized before you can start to change what you can.
It is smart to get with your doc or have a plan to be with someone when you detox. Seizures are the danger there. Trust me, if I could do it at over 50 and make it a younger guy like you will have little problem past the detox.
Rick, we can't convince you to quit. You have to decide that and you do sound like you are sick and tired of being sick and tired. But we can be here for you. And for me, being around others who made it through at AA and spoke of exactly what I put myself through, and be able to talk with them without being judged. They are the same regular people as we are, and have dane as much or as little as we have.
Looking back is fine if you have stopped drinking, but keeping on because you refuse to look ahead won't work. See, if you don't know where you're going, you will always end up someplace else bud?
What is your plan for tomorrow, and the rest of your life! Beat yourself up one last time if you must, then sign up for a one week hitch in the sobriety group, and work it as hard as you did basic. Just enough to get through will do it. Talk to me about your tomorrows, I have a handle on the past. We have all been there as bad or worse. You won't find unique alcoholics. In fact quite the opposite. We are boringly predictable until we decide to quit that too.
Ready?
The guilt cannot be dealt with by drinking over it and then creating more to feel guilty about. Get yourself into AA as soon as you can. You have no idea how wonderful it can be to just listen and realize stronger men than us have been broken by their alcoholism. The marvel is that all we have to do is sober up and work on our own issues to get to where we can forgive ourselves, regain our honor and self respect, and begin to live a life as good as we are capable. It is like having your gun card pulled, you get stuck on admin or dorms but as long as you work your way back it is just getting it all back together in one bag. Then you have a chance at lifting it.
All of us have plenty we don't like to think about. But the guilt gets easier and easier to deal with with every month of sobriety. You have to get sober, and stabilized before you can start to change what you can.
It is smart to get with your doc or have a plan to be with someone when you detox. Seizures are the danger there. Trust me, if I could do it at over 50 and make it a younger guy like you will have little problem past the detox.
Rick, we can't convince you to quit. You have to decide that and you do sound like you are sick and tired of being sick and tired. But we can be here for you. And for me, being around others who made it through at AA and spoke of exactly what I put myself through, and be able to talk with them without being judged. They are the same regular people as we are, and have dane as much or as little as we have.
Looking back is fine if you have stopped drinking, but keeping on because you refuse to look ahead won't work. See, if you don't know where you're going, you will always end up someplace else bud?
What is your plan for tomorrow, and the rest of your life! Beat yourself up one last time if you must, then sign up for a one week hitch in the sobriety group, and work it as hard as you did basic. Just enough to get through will do it. Talk to me about your tomorrows, I have a handle on the past. We have all been there as bad or worse. You won't find unique alcoholics. In fact quite the opposite. We are boringly predictable until we decide to quit that too.
Ready?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Near Rockford, IL
Posts: 90
Rick,
Your not alone Buddy - Develop a plan that works for you. Were all different, but the common denominator is - I believe is dealing with and conquering that temptation to have a drink, every day, whenever that thought enters our mind.
Good Luck - were all here to help and you can succeed!
Your not alone Buddy - Develop a plan that works for you. Were all different, but the common denominator is - I believe is dealing with and conquering that temptation to have a drink, every day, whenever that thought enters our mind.
Good Luck - were all here to help and you can succeed!
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