Sobriety issues, need advice
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Chicago, Il
Posts: 3
Sobriety issues, need advice
I don't exactly know where this post is headed, maybe just venting, but it seems like many of you have been through the wringer and might be able to make sense of all of this.
9 months ago I broke a 21 year drinking streak. It wasn't God, family, or judicial intervention that made me quit. I was just tired.
I was tired of being embarassed of my behavior. Tired of waking up having pissed myself. Tired of my friends feeling like they had to cover for me. Tired of feeling ashamed about the 'who knows what' I had done the night before. I was tired of feeling like killing myself every day.
In certain respects, I was lucky. My very high metabolism meant that I rarely suffered hangovers. In the last 8 years, I had only missed 2 days of work due to my drinking the night before. My two DUI's happened years ago and, thankfully, did not result in any injuries to anyone. My children (to my knowledge) never understood that I was drunk when I was around them and never saw their father passed out, pissed on, or arrested.
My drinking has long been rooted in my anxiety and depression issues. I have tried therapy, illegal drugs, antidepressants, religion, homeopathic and natural remedies, but nothing worked as well as beer and whiskey.
When I started drinking at 17, it was just for fun with my friends. We'd drink till the parties we were at started to seem welcoming and the girls started to look prettier. But, I didn't seem to have an off switch and frequently ended up blacked out and asleep in strange places.
At 19, I moved out of my parents house. I continued to drink heavily at social events, but started to be unable to sleep in my apartment (due to anxiety) without getting drunk. Never saw where it was an issue, as I wasn't hurting anyone.
At 20, I joined my first band. It was the perfect environment for me. Everyone around me was drinking constantly (playing out, hanging out, etc). My drunken behavior was regarded as almost normal at this time. Yeah, my drinking was a bit heavier than most but, most of the time, I was still pretty functional.
I got married later that year to a girl who drank like I did, but hid it far better than I did.
Long story short, my wife and I have been married for 17 years, have two children, fairly normal ups and downs, and have never quit drinking.
I have two major issues with my sobriety.
My wife is in no way supportive of my getting sober. Don't get me wrong here, I am not looking for a party to be thrown in my honor for doing what I should have done 20 years ago. But, for christsake, it has been a terrible struggle for me to quit and maintain sobriety. Any effort on my part to discuss how I'm feeling about this with her is met by total indifference. At one point, early on (like 3 months sober), I explained to her that it was very hard for me to maintain sobriety and that having alcohol around the house was not helping. I asked that if she wanted to continue drinking, could she just purchase whatever she would use that night (to alleviate some of the temptation to relapse on my part)?
Not only did that not happen, but now she tries to get me to buy alcohol for her when I'm grocery shopping, coming home from work, or she's had too much to drink to be out driving. Sometimes I do, just to keep the peace, because if I don't she becomes exceedingly angry and won't talk to me for days at a time.
Am I being unfair here? Because, frankly, I don't think that I am. It feels to me like she is sending a former cokehead out to score a bump for her. I can't tell if she doesn't understand my position or just doesn't care.
Alright, second issue.
The depression and anxiety are back, now that I am sober, and are making my life a living hell. A day doesn't go by without me having suicidal thoughts or having an anxiety attack. I haven't spoken about this or shared this with anyone else, mostly because I know I'm not going to act on it and I don't feel comfortable whining about my feelings to other people. Even when I was seeing a therapist, I was never honest with her about the depth and breadth of my depression. I am just tired of feeling like crying or snapping at people all of the time. I could start up the antidepressants again, but I strongly dislike the side-effects.
Any suggestions?
9 months ago I broke a 21 year drinking streak. It wasn't God, family, or judicial intervention that made me quit. I was just tired.
I was tired of being embarassed of my behavior. Tired of waking up having pissed myself. Tired of my friends feeling like they had to cover for me. Tired of feeling ashamed about the 'who knows what' I had done the night before. I was tired of feeling like killing myself every day.
In certain respects, I was lucky. My very high metabolism meant that I rarely suffered hangovers. In the last 8 years, I had only missed 2 days of work due to my drinking the night before. My two DUI's happened years ago and, thankfully, did not result in any injuries to anyone. My children (to my knowledge) never understood that I was drunk when I was around them and never saw their father passed out, pissed on, or arrested.
My drinking has long been rooted in my anxiety and depression issues. I have tried therapy, illegal drugs, antidepressants, religion, homeopathic and natural remedies, but nothing worked as well as beer and whiskey.
When I started drinking at 17, it was just for fun with my friends. We'd drink till the parties we were at started to seem welcoming and the girls started to look prettier. But, I didn't seem to have an off switch and frequently ended up blacked out and asleep in strange places.
At 19, I moved out of my parents house. I continued to drink heavily at social events, but started to be unable to sleep in my apartment (due to anxiety) without getting drunk. Never saw where it was an issue, as I wasn't hurting anyone.
At 20, I joined my first band. It was the perfect environment for me. Everyone around me was drinking constantly (playing out, hanging out, etc). My drunken behavior was regarded as almost normal at this time. Yeah, my drinking was a bit heavier than most but, most of the time, I was still pretty functional.
I got married later that year to a girl who drank like I did, but hid it far better than I did.
Long story short, my wife and I have been married for 17 years, have two children, fairly normal ups and downs, and have never quit drinking.
I have two major issues with my sobriety.
My wife is in no way supportive of my getting sober. Don't get me wrong here, I am not looking for a party to be thrown in my honor for doing what I should have done 20 years ago. But, for christsake, it has been a terrible struggle for me to quit and maintain sobriety. Any effort on my part to discuss how I'm feeling about this with her is met by total indifference. At one point, early on (like 3 months sober), I explained to her that it was very hard for me to maintain sobriety and that having alcohol around the house was not helping. I asked that if she wanted to continue drinking, could she just purchase whatever she would use that night (to alleviate some of the temptation to relapse on my part)?
Not only did that not happen, but now she tries to get me to buy alcohol for her when I'm grocery shopping, coming home from work, or she's had too much to drink to be out driving. Sometimes I do, just to keep the peace, because if I don't she becomes exceedingly angry and won't talk to me for days at a time.
Am I being unfair here? Because, frankly, I don't think that I am. It feels to me like she is sending a former cokehead out to score a bump for her. I can't tell if she doesn't understand my position or just doesn't care.
Alright, second issue.
The depression and anxiety are back, now that I am sober, and are making my life a living hell. A day doesn't go by without me having suicidal thoughts or having an anxiety attack. I haven't spoken about this or shared this with anyone else, mostly because I know I'm not going to act on it and I don't feel comfortable whining about my feelings to other people. Even when I was seeing a therapist, I was never honest with her about the depth and breadth of my depression. I am just tired of feeling like crying or snapping at people all of the time. I could start up the antidepressants again, but I strongly dislike the side-effects.
Any suggestions?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Central New Jersey, USA
Posts: 1,345
Wow - that is a lot. My DH doesn't drink at all so I can't really help there and I'm not a therapist or medical professional but perhaps longer standing therapy may be something you might benefit from. The depression probably won't go away quickly and may take a lot of hard work.
So I haven't been much help but I do wish you luck. Check back in I am sure you will gets responses from others here which will be helpful.
So I haven't been much help but I do wish you luck. Check back in I am sure you will gets responses from others here which will be helpful.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 28
Thank you for sharing your story and your pain. I am new here and have not had the courage to admit the depth of my pain as you did.
From a medical standpoint, depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain and the antidepressant medications that are currently available have much fewer side effects. If one of the meds gives you side effects, your Doc can taper you and prescribe another until you find the right fit for you. You do not need to suffer with this. What antidepressant were you on in the past and what was the dose and side effect?
Regarding your home situation, it sounds as if your wife is not ready to face her issues with alcohol. That is a very sad and tough situation - we all need so much support as we go on this journey.....
do you have support outside of home?
From a medical standpoint, depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain and the antidepressant medications that are currently available have much fewer side effects. If one of the meds gives you side effects, your Doc can taper you and prescribe another until you find the right fit for you. You do not need to suffer with this. What antidepressant were you on in the past and what was the dose and side effect?
Regarding your home situation, it sounds as if your wife is not ready to face her issues with alcohol. That is a very sad and tough situation - we all need so much support as we go on this journey.....
do you have support outside of home?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Chicago, Il
Posts: 3
As far as ADs go, I have been on Zoloft starting from 50-250mg a day, cymbalta, Prozac, and others. Zoloft works the best at the 200+ dosage, but the sexual disinterest and anorgasmic effects made me finally stop using it.
As to support, kind of. My wife, no. My brother, kind of... He doesn't quite understand, but he tries. My friends don't understand (they are the kindest people ever, but they love to drink) and still try to get me a beer every time we are together.
As to support, kind of. My wife, no. My brother, kind of... He doesn't quite understand, but he tries. My friends don't understand (they are the kindest people ever, but they love to drink) and still try to get me a beer every time we are together.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 5,678
Welcome to SR Cairpre 
Well done on 9 months sober! With what sounds like quite a few hurdles in your way. I'm sorry your wife isn't supportive, maybe she'll be inspired by your example at some point but maybe in the mean time it would be good to get an extra layer of support for yourself. I am 9 months sober myself and can't imagine how I would have coped if it wasn't for the support I got here, AA and my addictions counsellor. You've done well to get this far on your own but maybe some outside help could be just what you need. I'd think it would definitely be worth talking to your doctor about your depression issues. I know it's hard to talk about these things but sometimes it's necessary, and sometimes it just takes practice.
Glad you're here x
Well done on 9 months sober! With what sounds like quite a few hurdles in your way. I'm sorry your wife isn't supportive, maybe she'll be inspired by your example at some point but maybe in the mean time it would be good to get an extra layer of support for yourself. I am 9 months sober myself and can't imagine how I would have coped if it wasn't for the support I got here, AA and my addictions counsellor. You've done well to get this far on your own but maybe some outside help could be just what you need. I'd think it would definitely be worth talking to your doctor about your depression issues. I know it's hard to talk about these things but sometimes it's necessary, and sometimes it just takes practice.
Glad you're here x
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 28
I understand about the "friends" who want to buy you a drink, etc. It's very difficult for me as i am a very social being. I need support more than ever and find if I come to this site and read the forums, it gives me strength.
Zoloft over 200 mg wow that's quite a dose. Did you have sexual side effects at a lower milligram dose such as 100 mg? If zoloft works on your depression and anxiety, perhaps you can try a lower dose now that you are not drinking.
There are meds to enhance sexual function for those who suffer sexual side effects (viagra, cialis)
On another note, I cannot have any alcohol in my home, I would be too tempted and do not have that kind of will power. Maybe you can ask your wife to go to a meeting with you??
Zoloft over 200 mg wow that's quite a dose. Did you have sexual side effects at a lower milligram dose such as 100 mg? If zoloft works on your depression and anxiety, perhaps you can try a lower dose now that you are not drinking.
There are meds to enhance sexual function for those who suffer sexual side effects (viagra, cialis)
On another note, I cannot have any alcohol in my home, I would be too tempted and do not have that kind of will power. Maybe you can ask your wife to go to a meeting with you??
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: fort wayne, IN.
Posts: 1,085
Nine months is great especially with what you are up against. I would still be drinking if there was alcohol in the house. You are a strong individual.
I went to a DR about 30 days after quitting. She gave me Lexapro. It made me sleepy at first. I have had other AD before and all of them have side effects. I don't know about you but drinking had some serious side effects for me. ( including the ones you mentioned in your post) Congratulations for your sobriety.
I went to a DR about 30 days after quitting. She gave me Lexapro. It made me sleepy at first. I have had other AD before and all of them have side effects. I don't know about you but drinking had some serious side effects for me. ( including the ones you mentioned in your post) Congratulations for your sobriety.
Sober Alcoholic
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,539
Regarding your wife. I don’t think that “she doesn't understand (your) position or just doesn't care”. She’s an alcoholic. It twists our thinking and makes us do things that (when sober) seem impossible to imagine ourselves doing. As difficult as it may be, try not to let her drinking separate you. The example of your sobriety may be just the thing that changes her perspective.
Regarding the anxiety and depression. There are dozens of anti-depressants out there and it does not sound like you have tried them all yet. It is also advisable to be completely honest with your therapist. They are far better allies when they are armed with the facts.
AA might also be helpful. Nuf said.
Regarding the anxiety and depression. There are dozens of anti-depressants out there and it does not sound like you have tried them all yet. It is also advisable to be completely honest with your therapist. They are far better allies when they are armed with the facts.
AA might also be helpful. Nuf said.
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,967
Maybe a marriage counselor to save that marriage? You have 17 years of marriage together, with established and unwritten "rules." I can't speak on anything other than this, my marriage didn't last that long!
As for untreated alcoholism, feelings of being irritable, restless, and discontent in a life without drinking, well, maybe try AA, a spiritual and NOT religious method of recovery. AA steps saved my life.
I wish you well in your sober journey!
As for untreated alcoholism, feelings of being irritable, restless, and discontent in a life without drinking, well, maybe try AA, a spiritual and NOT religious method of recovery. AA steps saved my life.
I wish you well in your sober journey!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Southern California
Posts: 365
Wow... 9 months on your own... Congrats on that... You sound a lot like me... My wife is pretty darn self-centered and selfish, in fact we just got into it about tonight because I thought we were having dinner with my parents and sister's family and she acted like we didn't even have the conversation we clearly had on Friday. So I had to call my Dad and cancel our dinner plans and went for a drive... The first thing out of my wife mouth... Why did you leave are you drinking?... The first thing out of my father's mouth are you drinking, you sound wierd?... Ahhh the reputation I have developed due to my few relapses really stinks... Then I get back to the house and she says well if you really want to go to dinner with your parents I'll go... It's like geeze... So now I have to call back and have them try to rebook our dinner reservations... Anyhow I don't know where I'm going with this (I think I am venting as well)... I can relate with the depression and anxiety however as I get that way as well. I have been sober many years and she has always drank... She doesn't drink like I did but some still think she is borderline alcoholic... Who am I to judge... Anyhow I've tried wellbutrin, ambilify, etc.. The stuff just seemed to make me a zombie... I am still on klonopin to help with the anxiety and sleep but because it's a benzo I really am trying to come up with a plan to get off it. I stopped going to meetings, life has thrown some things my way and I just recently relapsed after 1.5 years. I believe I just took the easy way out rather than dealing with life on life's terms. Back to the depression/anxiety issues... Believe it or not, I think what helps me the most with my anxiety and depression is AA and the fellowship. I know its not for everyone but when I am working it, going to meetings, etc, I feel better and I have a lot of friends with common interests in AA, which makes me feel a part of and the program gives me tools to deal with the anxiety and depression... Anyhow I don't know if anything I've said you can relate with but just know you are not alone... Come here any time and people will be here for you...
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 173
Hello Cairpre; Thank you for sharing your story - you have a wonderful way of writing.
For me, I dove into the recovery pool head first. In addition to regular AA meetings I read about all types of recovery. I would have to say the things that helped most were-
1. AA meetings/working w/ a sponsor
2. Reading the 12 & 12
3.Reading info on REBT therapy-and applying info
4. The book entitled "How to Be an Adult In Relationships"
but, I think the title would be more accurate without the "in relationships"
part.
5. Researching Dr. Margaret Pauls work on Innerbonding - excellent!!
This is my personal recovery "stew" - you can create your own recipe for recovery!
Best blessings to you, I know you can do this!
Oh2exhale
For me, I dove into the recovery pool head first. In addition to regular AA meetings I read about all types of recovery. I would have to say the things that helped most were-
1. AA meetings/working w/ a sponsor
2. Reading the 12 & 12
3.Reading info on REBT therapy-and applying info
4. The book entitled "How to Be an Adult In Relationships"
but, I think the title would be more accurate without the "in relationships"
part.
5. Researching Dr. Margaret Pauls work on Innerbonding - excellent!!
This is my personal recovery "stew" - you can create your own recipe for recovery!
Best blessings to you, I know you can do this!
Oh2exhale
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 1,635
I am sorry you are having a rough time.
My spouse drinks but keeps it in the basement which is not where I hang out. I would set a firm boundary, tell her you will not buy her alcohol and have her keep it someplace you don't have to stare at it. That is the least she could do. At least that is how I feel about in my situation.
Why not make an appointment with a psychiatrist? I did and found out that I am bipolar. I am on medicine that does not have those side affects. Sometimes they have to tweak it to get it right. Be honest and describe your symptoms.
My spouse drinks but keeps it in the basement which is not where I hang out. I would set a firm boundary, tell her you will not buy her alcohol and have her keep it someplace you don't have to stare at it. That is the least she could do. At least that is how I feel about in my situation.
Why not make an appointment with a psychiatrist? I did and found out that I am bipolar. I am on medicine that does not have those side affects. Sometimes they have to tweak it to get it right. Be honest and describe your symptoms.
Re-Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Colorado Springs, Colorado
Posts: 7,583
Welcome to SR Cairpre!
While we are unusual many folks decide to save themselves from themselves like you and I. No one could stop me from drinking and if my wife, who is a night only alcoholic, tried to preach to me, I told her that as soon as she quit she might have a moral leg to stand on.
I quit on 21 September 2010. more than two years ago, and have been happily sober ever since. I also quit a three pack a day smoking habit. I was drinking from wake up to pass out more than 30 units of Beer, Wine, and scotch mixed, every day, all day after I retired to be able to do that. My wife bought mine and hers, but since I quit just hers. She also still smokes. So from day one there has been a half gallon of Scotch and a carton of smokes in the house.
My decision to quit had nothing to do with her. As you have found too, having it in the house is not an issue for a non-drinker. At first I refused to drink, but soon forgot about it and do not even notice when she is drinking here, and smoking under the vent hood.
The one thing all of us know is that no one could force US to be sober. No amount of DUI horror advertising, pictures of smokers with no faces on respirators, no threats to catch me driving could even make me consider quitting drinking or smoking until I was ready. After two years of going downhill fast I had to choose to live or die. I chose life.
I am so happy for you being sober so long that you are able to sort out the depression from the alcohol. Now you can take care of it.
My AW acted out and rather than let me leave her, she actually started counseling for her own issues, and has done very well indeed. She still drinks, but that is her problem not mine. My choices are whether to stay or go. I choose to stay, and so does she, actually I went to counseling too and found I had some issues I needed to work on just like you. But I have to let go of expectations of her quitting, and can't apply a new standard that I would not abide when I was drinking. Heck I smoked wherever I pleased. Drank in front of whoever whenever and she would be scandalized to see me chatting with someone in the morning at 9 AM with a beer in hand. I have no problem with those memories because I chose that then, as I choose to be a non-drinker now, and for the rest of my life.
Take care from yourself, of yourself. Sure you can choose to leave her, or go to counseling or whatever. Yes you need to see a doc and deal with the medical/emotional issues. But as long as you do it all sober, you are more likely to achieve what you need.
I draw the line on buying alcohol, but that because she made a big deal when we were drinking about being embarrassed to go to the same stores over and over and getting so much beer for me, conveniently forgetting she was getting so much Scotch. Funny how I don't hear that any more, and while she was supportive, she wasn't really happy when she realized I was making it six months later. We had to deal with those or break up. We passed 40 years married on my second year of sobriety and for the last months before it didn't look good.
Her issues are hers. I will help her with what she asks help with unconditionally. But her drinking is her problem not mine. Only if she acts out at me with anger does it become my issue and I can leave or she can deal with her anger issues in counseling. I am embarrassed to say I learned a thing or two as well. OMG! I was to blame a bit too?
Get the medicals taken care of sober. Keep working your own issues sober. Things have a habit of falling into place for us when we work at them sober long enough.
Once again welcome!
While we are unusual many folks decide to save themselves from themselves like you and I. No one could stop me from drinking and if my wife, who is a night only alcoholic, tried to preach to me, I told her that as soon as she quit she might have a moral leg to stand on.
I quit on 21 September 2010. more than two years ago, and have been happily sober ever since. I also quit a three pack a day smoking habit. I was drinking from wake up to pass out more than 30 units of Beer, Wine, and scotch mixed, every day, all day after I retired to be able to do that. My wife bought mine and hers, but since I quit just hers. She also still smokes. So from day one there has been a half gallon of Scotch and a carton of smokes in the house.
My decision to quit had nothing to do with her. As you have found too, having it in the house is not an issue for a non-drinker. At first I refused to drink, but soon forgot about it and do not even notice when she is drinking here, and smoking under the vent hood.
The one thing all of us know is that no one could force US to be sober. No amount of DUI horror advertising, pictures of smokers with no faces on respirators, no threats to catch me driving could even make me consider quitting drinking or smoking until I was ready. After two years of going downhill fast I had to choose to live or die. I chose life.
I am so happy for you being sober so long that you are able to sort out the depression from the alcohol. Now you can take care of it.
My AW acted out and rather than let me leave her, she actually started counseling for her own issues, and has done very well indeed. She still drinks, but that is her problem not mine. My choices are whether to stay or go. I choose to stay, and so does she, actually I went to counseling too and found I had some issues I needed to work on just like you. But I have to let go of expectations of her quitting, and can't apply a new standard that I would not abide when I was drinking. Heck I smoked wherever I pleased. Drank in front of whoever whenever and she would be scandalized to see me chatting with someone in the morning at 9 AM with a beer in hand. I have no problem with those memories because I chose that then, as I choose to be a non-drinker now, and for the rest of my life.
Take care from yourself, of yourself. Sure you can choose to leave her, or go to counseling or whatever. Yes you need to see a doc and deal with the medical/emotional issues. But as long as you do it all sober, you are more likely to achieve what you need.
I draw the line on buying alcohol, but that because she made a big deal when we were drinking about being embarrassed to go to the same stores over and over and getting so much beer for me, conveniently forgetting she was getting so much Scotch. Funny how I don't hear that any more, and while she was supportive, she wasn't really happy when she realized I was making it six months later. We had to deal with those or break up. We passed 40 years married on my second year of sobriety and for the last months before it didn't look good.
Her issues are hers. I will help her with what she asks help with unconditionally. But her drinking is her problem not mine. Only if she acts out at me with anger does it become my issue and I can leave or she can deal with her anger issues in counseling. I am embarrassed to say I learned a thing or two as well. OMG! I was to blame a bit too?
Get the medicals taken care of sober. Keep working your own issues sober. Things have a habit of falling into place for us when we work at them sober long enough.
Once again welcome!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Chicago, Il
Posts: 3
I am glad to know that this is not so very uncommon.
As far as AA goes, my understanding is that they have a very religious bent to their methodology, which is something that I am not interested in involving myself in.
I have gone the psychiatrist route before and found myself unable to be frank and open with them. Several reasons, first and foremost, establishing a well documented history of mental issues/illness is not something I would like following me around. Secondly, the ones I have visited are rather condescending and simplistic in their problem solving (making me feel like I am an idiot who cannot 'see the forest for the trees'). Perhaps I have just not found the right ones.
I don't know. Anyway, enough for tonight. Merry Christmas all.
As far as AA goes, my understanding is that they have a very religious bent to their methodology, which is something that I am not interested in involving myself in.
I have gone the psychiatrist route before and found myself unable to be frank and open with them. Several reasons, first and foremost, establishing a well documented history of mental issues/illness is not something I would like following me around. Secondly, the ones I have visited are rather condescending and simplistic in their problem solving (making me feel like I am an idiot who cannot 'see the forest for the trees'). Perhaps I have just not found the right ones.
I don't know. Anyway, enough for tonight. Merry Christmas all.
Re-Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Colorado Springs, Colorado
Posts: 7,583
AA is more secular at some groups than others. Everybody has preconceptions about AA that moet of us laugh about later. And you experience with your psychiatrists you say haven't worked out? All I can tell you is that if you always do things, the way you always have, you will always get the same results. Expecting different results is insanity. I found in quitting drinking I had to do a few things outside my comfort zone. No one forced me into AA or here, or to sign up for medical in hospital detox. I took those steps while all around me told me I didn't have a problem, I just needed to cut down a little. All the same lies I told myself to justify not doing anything that might work. My comfort zone was running away from anything that I could look down on as beneath me. Eventually I was drinking so much that nothing was beneath me.
That was when I got busy, and got sober with no conditions, no excuse, but willing to do whatever it took.
It is more than a couple of years now. I stopped doing what didn't work. And started trying everything that might, and worked for others. Dang if some of it didn't work for me too.
That was when I got busy, and got sober with no conditions, no excuse, but willing to do whatever it took.
It is more than a couple of years now. I stopped doing what didn't work. And started trying everything that might, and worked for others. Dang if some of it didn't work for me too.
Keeping it simple!
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Surrey, BC
Posts: 3,282
Congrats on 9 months!
Have you tried a drug and alcohol counsellor? It's hard to be honest and frank if you don't trust them or don't like them. Sometimes you have to see a few more before you find someone that clicks. Be careful that it isn't because they aren't telling what you want to hear.
I lucked and found a great one, I have no problems being honest with him and he tells me things that I don't like sometimes, but I try to keep an open mind as he usually has a point.
Have you tried a drug and alcohol counsellor? It's hard to be honest and frank if you don't trust them or don't like them. Sometimes you have to see a few more before you find someone that clicks. Be careful that it isn't because they aren't telling what you want to hear.
I lucked and found a great one, I have no problems being honest with him and he tells me things that I don't like sometimes, but I try to keep an open mind as he usually has a point.
Sober Alcoholic
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,539
Cairpre, Your medical records are not available to anyone without your written consent. You can also make the provider aware of your concerns so that only minimal information is documented. If your “life is a living hell” then you’re going to need to make some changes. Being honest with a mental health treatment provider seems like a good place to start. Honest disclosure is much more likely to get you less simplistic responses.
With regard to AA. You may find it quite helpful. Yes, the G word is going to be thrown around a bit but nobody is going to expect you to have any particular belief one way or another. The ONLY requirement is a desire to stop drinking. There are plenty of atheists and agnostics in AA and they are quite welcome.
Merry Christmas
With regard to AA. You may find it quite helpful. Yes, the G word is going to be thrown around a bit but nobody is going to expect you to have any particular belief one way or another. The ONLY requirement is a desire to stop drinking. There are plenty of atheists and agnostics in AA and they are quite welcome.
Merry Christmas
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 603
Originally Posted by Cairpre 
I don't exactly know where this post is headed, maybe just venting, but it seems like many of you have been through the wringer and might be able to make sense of all of this.
9 months ago I broke a 21 year drinking streak. It wasn't God, family, or judicial intervention that made me quit. I was just tired.
I was tired of being embarassed of my behavior. Tired of waking up having pissed myself. Tired of my friends feeling like they had to cover for me. Tired of feeling ashamed about the 'who knows what' I had done the night before. I was tired of feeling like killing myself every day.
In certain respects, I was lucky. My very high metabolism meant that I rarely suffered hangovers. In the last 8 years, I had only missed 2 days of work due to my drinking the night before. My two DUI's happened years ago and, thankfully, did not result in any injuries to anyone. My children (to my knowledge) never understood that I was drunk when I was around them and never saw their father passed out, pissed on, or arrested.
My drinking has long been rooted in my anxiety and depression issues. I have tried therapy, illegal drugs, antidepressants, religion, homeopathic and natural remedies, but nothing worked as well as beer and whiskey.
When I started drinking at 17, it was just for fun with my friends. We'd drink till the parties we were at started to seem welcoming and the girls started to look prettier. But, I didn't seem to have an off switch and frequently ended up blacked out and asleep in strange places.
At 19, I moved out of my parents house. I continued to drink heavily at social events, but started to be unable to sleep in my apartment (due to anxiety) without getting drunk. Never saw where it was an issue, as I wasn't hurting anyone.
At 20, I joined my first band. It was the perfect environment for me. Everyone around me was drinking constantly (playing out, hanging out, etc). My drunken behavior was regarded as almost normal at this time. Yeah, my drinking was a bit heavier than most but, most of the time, I was still pretty functional.
I got married later that year to a girl who drank like I did, but hid it far better than I did.
Long story short, my wife and I have been married for 17 years, have two children, fairly normal ups and downs, and have never quit drinking.
I have two major issues with my sobriety.
My wife is in no way supportive of my getting sober. Don't get me wrong here, I am not looking for a party to be thrown in my honor for doing what I should have done 20 years ago. But, for christsake, it has been a terrible struggle for me to quit and maintain sobriety. Any effort on my part to discuss how I'm feeling about this with her is met by total indifference. At one point, early on (like 3 months sober), I explained to her that it was very hard for me to maintain sobriety and that having alcohol around the house was not helping. I asked that if she wanted to continue drinking, could she just purchase whatever she would use that night (to alleviate some of the temptation to relapse on my part)?
Not only did that not happen, but now she tries to get me to buy alcohol for her when I'm grocery shopping, coming home from work, or she's had too much to drink to be out driving. Sometimes I do, just to keep the peace, because if I don't she becomes exceedingly angry and won't talk to me for days at a time.
Am I being unfair here? Because, frankly, I don't think that I am. It feels to me like she is sending a former cokehead out to score a bump for her. I can't tell if she doesn't understand my position or just doesn't care.
Alright, second issue.
The depression and anxiety are back, now that I am sober, and are making my life a living hell. A day doesn't go by without me having suicidal thoughts or having an anxiety attack. I haven't spoken about this or shared this with anyone else, mostly because I know I'm not going to act on it and I don't feel comfortable whining about my feelings to other people. Even when I was seeing a therapist, I was never honest with her about the depth and breadth of my depression. I am just tired of feeling like crying or snapping at people all of the time. I could start up the antidepressants again, but I strongly dislike the side-effects.
Any suggestions?
9 months ago I broke a 21 year drinking streak. It wasn't God, family, or judicial intervention that made me quit. I was just tired.
I was tired of being embarassed of my behavior. Tired of waking up having pissed myself. Tired of my friends feeling like they had to cover for me. Tired of feeling ashamed about the 'who knows what' I had done the night before. I was tired of feeling like killing myself every day.
In certain respects, I was lucky. My very high metabolism meant that I rarely suffered hangovers. In the last 8 years, I had only missed 2 days of work due to my drinking the night before. My two DUI's happened years ago and, thankfully, did not result in any injuries to anyone. My children (to my knowledge) never understood that I was drunk when I was around them and never saw their father passed out, pissed on, or arrested.
My drinking has long been rooted in my anxiety and depression issues. I have tried therapy, illegal drugs, antidepressants, religion, homeopathic and natural remedies, but nothing worked as well as beer and whiskey.
When I started drinking at 17, it was just for fun with my friends. We'd drink till the parties we were at started to seem welcoming and the girls started to look prettier. But, I didn't seem to have an off switch and frequently ended up blacked out and asleep in strange places.
At 19, I moved out of my parents house. I continued to drink heavily at social events, but started to be unable to sleep in my apartment (due to anxiety) without getting drunk. Never saw where it was an issue, as I wasn't hurting anyone.
At 20, I joined my first band. It was the perfect environment for me. Everyone around me was drinking constantly (playing out, hanging out, etc). My drunken behavior was regarded as almost normal at this time. Yeah, my drinking was a bit heavier than most but, most of the time, I was still pretty functional.
I got married later that year to a girl who drank like I did, but hid it far better than I did.
Long story short, my wife and I have been married for 17 years, have two children, fairly normal ups and downs, and have never quit drinking.
I have two major issues with my sobriety.
My wife is in no way supportive of my getting sober. Don't get me wrong here, I am not looking for a party to be thrown in my honor for doing what I should have done 20 years ago. But, for christsake, it has been a terrible struggle for me to quit and maintain sobriety. Any effort on my part to discuss how I'm feeling about this with her is met by total indifference. At one point, early on (like 3 months sober), I explained to her that it was very hard for me to maintain sobriety and that having alcohol around the house was not helping. I asked that if she wanted to continue drinking, could she just purchase whatever she would use that night (to alleviate some of the temptation to relapse on my part)?
Not only did that not happen, but now she tries to get me to buy alcohol for her when I'm grocery shopping, coming home from work, or she's had too much to drink to be out driving. Sometimes I do, just to keep the peace, because if I don't she becomes exceedingly angry and won't talk to me for days at a time.
Am I being unfair here? Because, frankly, I don't think that I am. It feels to me like she is sending a former cokehead out to score a bump for her. I can't tell if she doesn't understand my position or just doesn't care.
Alright, second issue.
The depression and anxiety are back, now that I am sober, and are making my life a living hell. A day doesn't go by without me having suicidal thoughts or having an anxiety attack. I haven't spoken about this or shared this with anyone else, mostly because I know I'm not going to act on it and I don't feel comfortable whining about my feelings to other people. Even when I was seeing a therapist, I was never honest with her about the depth and breadth of my depression. I am just tired of feeling like crying or snapping at people all of the time. I could start up the antidepressants again, but I strongly dislike the side-effects.
Any suggestions?
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