I am so sick of myself
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: California
Posts: 181
I am so sick of myself
Hi everyone,
I posted back in October under a different name. I've decided that, while having been/currently on a 2 day vodka binge since my husband is out of town for work, that something really needs to change. That being me of course. I am so sick of feeling like sh*t all of the time. I am now 30 years old, trying to get ready to start a family. I can't even barely take care of myself much less a child if I have one. The sad thing is that I know my husband knows I have a problem but I don't think he understands how BAD of a problem it has developed into. I had posted this before but my last doctor visit, over a year and a half ago, I had high liver enzymes. Scared the crap out of me so I drank more and haven't been to a doctor since. Every day I feel like I could have a heart attack (I would appear healthy from the outside but I have a heart condition SVT), I said before when I posted that I am a functioning alcoholic, I think that all it would take at this point would be a tragedy or some other big life event to make me into a "non-functioning" alcoholic. I have been reading around the site since I first posted a few months ago which as helped, and I fully intend on quitting 1/1/13 as I'm sure many people with our problem do. At this point I am literally hiding booze in my freaking closet and drinking sometimes before work. This cannot be how my life was supposed to turn out. Successful and happy from the outside, disgusting and alcoholic on the inside. Thank you to whoever started this site (I know it's been around awhile) and to all who are on this forum. This is the first time I have ever felt I can share my feelings without being judged or compromised in some way, and I truly appreciate it.
I posted back in October under a different name. I've decided that, while having been/currently on a 2 day vodka binge since my husband is out of town for work, that something really needs to change. That being me of course. I am so sick of feeling like sh*t all of the time. I am now 30 years old, trying to get ready to start a family. I can't even barely take care of myself much less a child if I have one. The sad thing is that I know my husband knows I have a problem but I don't think he understands how BAD of a problem it has developed into. I had posted this before but my last doctor visit, over a year and a half ago, I had high liver enzymes. Scared the crap out of me so I drank more and haven't been to a doctor since. Every day I feel like I could have a heart attack (I would appear healthy from the outside but I have a heart condition SVT), I said before when I posted that I am a functioning alcoholic, I think that all it would take at this point would be a tragedy or some other big life event to make me into a "non-functioning" alcoholic. I have been reading around the site since I first posted a few months ago which as helped, and I fully intend on quitting 1/1/13 as I'm sure many people with our problem do. At this point I am literally hiding booze in my freaking closet and drinking sometimes before work. This cannot be how my life was supposed to turn out. Successful and happy from the outside, disgusting and alcoholic on the inside. Thank you to whoever started this site (I know it's been around awhile) and to all who are on this forum. This is the first time I have ever felt I can share my feelings without being judged or compromised in some way, and I truly appreciate it.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 20
Lunetta, welcome and I'm glad you posted. I too, hid my bottles and drank on the sly. When. Y husband would go out of town for work, it was party time with no worries about him watching me. He knew too. I thought I was only harming myself, but boy was I wrong.
Through a lot of self work, and the program of AA, I have discovered that I was harming a lot more people. Have you thought about joining a program to help you? I have found that sheer will power never worked for me. Why wait until Jan 1 to stop?
Through a lot of self work, and the program of AA, I have discovered that I was harming a lot more people. Have you thought about joining a program to help you? I have found that sheer will power never worked for me. Why wait until Jan 1 to stop?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: pa
Posts: 297
I'm like you Lunetta. I'm here because I think being able to express what's on my mind helps. I've talked to a few friends but they're not really equipped to be of much help. I think just posting here is a good way to just unleash the crazy thoughts that swirl in the minds of people like us, and maybe get a grip on them. I wish you the best of luck and I hope we're both here a year from now able to congratulate each other for a year of sobriety.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,560
Welcome Lunetta. You're not alone. We all understand how you're feeling, most of us have been through the same sort of thing. I'm glad you're reaching out for a better life.
It doesn't sound like drinking is fun or relaxing anymore for you. I had a hard time admitting the good times weren't coming back. Somehow I had crossed the line from social to alcoholic drinking. I was hiding it, too - and I didn't just drink before work, I drank during work. I was completely dependent on it in the end. This doesn't have to be you, though. I'm glad you are here to figure things out and begin a new way of life. You can do it!
It doesn't sound like drinking is fun or relaxing anymore for you. I had a hard time admitting the good times weren't coming back. Somehow I had crossed the line from social to alcoholic drinking. I was hiding it, too - and I didn't just drink before work, I drank during work. I was completely dependent on it in the end. This doesn't have to be you, though. I'm glad you are here to figure things out and begin a new way of life. You can do it!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: California
Posts: 181
I have thought about AA but I am not religious, and also my biggest fear is seeing someone I know. I got a DUI when I was 24 and I had this teacher/counselor that I have thought of getting back in contact with. He told me he was worried about me on my last day, which was kind of weird because I am always a people pleaser and except for maybe 1 time crying during a story in group, I pretty much went with the flow. Now I know he saw something I didn't at the time. I can't even remember his name but I think that would be a good first step. I know waiting for January is a cop out but to be honest I am hosting Christmas Eve tomorrow (i have nothing done), then going to my husband's family's home for Christmas Day, if I am not sipping on something they are going to think I am pregnant, which I am not. From January til summer there is never much family stuff planned so I am hoping it can build up my resolve to not drink during that time.
Thank you for your responses so far they are helping me!
Thank you for your responses so far they are helping me!
Learning to LIve
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: NSW Australia
Posts: 908
Hi Lunetta
I'm 4 months sober and 42 YO mum of 2.
I can relate to a lot of your post.
Think about the resources you have to help you sober up AA, hubby, family,support groups etc
The more support you have around you the better. In saying that the choice is yours. I had to have a plan it took 12 months to get here today. My plan was to exercise and to stick close to SR forums and chat. You have the oppprtunity to re-write your future. You have come to the right place.
Good Luck
I'm 4 months sober and 42 YO mum of 2.
I can relate to a lot of your post.
Think about the resources you have to help you sober up AA, hubby, family,support groups etc
The more support you have around you the better. In saying that the choice is yours. I had to have a plan it took 12 months to get here today. My plan was to exercise and to stick close to SR forums and chat. You have the oppprtunity to re-write your future. You have come to the right place.
Good Luck
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
I used to drink before work....Just to calm the shaking. That job didn't last. I can tell you one thing I learned from my alcoholism...It is progressive...It will get worse before it gets better. Do some research...Find some kind of recovery plan...And work it. I see no point in postponing your quit date either...For what? First thing on my to do list was getting honest with a doctor...Which landed me in a medical detox and inpatient rehab...Which landed me in AA...The reason I haven't had a drink in a year and a half. I'd get busy doing something....I didn't act fast enough....And my ex wife got tired of it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: California
Posts: 181
Xune I don't want to but I have to. Also painkillers have been in and out of my life, those need to stop too. When I quit, I want to quit for good. I am no longer in denial, I know I can't control this stuff anymore or "have just a few".
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Originally Posted by Lunetta 
Xune I don't want to but I have to. Also painkillers have been in and out of my life, those need to stop too. When I quit, I want to quit for good. I am no longer in denial, I know I can't control this stuff anymore or "have just a few".
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: California
Posts: 181
there is someone in particular who I work with, he makes it public that he's a recovering alcoholic/drug user, which is great, but I work with my family and don't want to risk him finding out and telling them, also him and his wife are the biggest gossips in the office.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 577
welcome, Lunetta....I hope you're done, it doesn't sound fun anymore. It wasn't for me the last few years of drinking/use, but I couldn't stop. I had a 3 yr old son & one on the way & that wouldn't even stop me. I was completely powerless against the drinks & drugs.
and that is the only way that I ended up happily sober today, years later. I had to be completely kicked to the curb & out of ideas. When desperation got me down low enough to admit I was beaten, I humbled myself & asked for help and it was given to me.
I wish the same for you.....keep comin' around - it's a good start!
and that is the only way that I ended up happily sober today, years later. I had to be completely kicked to the curb & out of ideas. When desperation got me down low enough to admit I was beaten, I humbled myself & asked for help and it was given to me.
I wish the same for you.....keep comin' around - it's a good start!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 453
Lunetta,
You are very courageous to have posted your story, I commend you for sharing your thoughts and feelings. Many of us have been where you are and we know how hard and scary it is and can be. I know you know how dangerous your drinking and using of pills has become, I would strongly recommend you make a appointment with your Doctor ASAP and explain that your drinking is out of control and you need help. Your Doctor can help find a specialist or program that can help you. There are lots of resources out there to help people going through what you are going through. He can help you figure out how to speak with your Husband about this as well. If you do not feel comfortable talking with your Doctor, see if you can get a referral to a different doctor. With your Heart condition this is obviously something that you know you need to deal with.
I hope that you find the comfort and help that you are looking for.
For me I was able to find help in AA, even though I am not religious, it does not require one to be religious or even believe in "God" trust me, it is worth giving it another try There are free 24 hour hotline numbers you can call to talk to someone right now. It may help, it is worth a try. Alcoholics Anonymous : Local Resources that provide A.A. Meeting Information
You are very courageous to have posted your story, I commend you for sharing your thoughts and feelings. Many of us have been where you are and we know how hard and scary it is and can be. I know you know how dangerous your drinking and using of pills has become, I would strongly recommend you make a appointment with your Doctor ASAP and explain that your drinking is out of control and you need help. Your Doctor can help find a specialist or program that can help you. There are lots of resources out there to help people going through what you are going through. He can help you figure out how to speak with your Husband about this as well. If you do not feel comfortable talking with your Doctor, see if you can get a referral to a different doctor. With your Heart condition this is obviously something that you know you need to deal with.
I hope that you find the comfort and help that you are looking for.
For me I was able to find help in AA, even though I am not religious, it does not require one to be religious or even believe in "God" trust me, it is worth giving it another try There are free 24 hour hotline numbers you can call to talk to someone right now. It may help, it is worth a try. Alcoholics Anonymous : Local Resources that provide A.A. Meeting Information
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: California
Posts: 181
I called my area's AA # and she directed me to a website, what does Promises mean? It's the earliest meeting and probably the only one I could go to being I have people coming over/husband is coming home, etc.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 453
Well, I am not a expert in AA, but the AA Promises are written in the "Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous"
You can read the Big Book for free on line at
Big Book Online Fourth Edition
P.S "God" means different things to many different people. You do not need to believe in "God" for AA to work or to welcome you.
Substitute the word God for whatever makes you comfortable, "Higher Power" the "Universe", "Nature", Whatever. Point is, a power greater then ourselves can help restore us to Sanity from our insane out of control Alcoholic and addictive obsessions.
You can read the Big Book for free on line at
Big Book Online Fourth Edition
The AA Promises
Alcoholics Anonymous p83-84
- If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through.
- We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.
- We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
- We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.
- No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.
- That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.
- We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.
- Self-seeking will slip away.
- Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.
- Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.
- We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.
- We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
- Are these extravagant promises? We think not.
- They are being fulfilled among us - sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.
- They will always materialize if we work for them.
Alcoholics Anonymous p83-84
Substitute the word God for whatever makes you comfortable, "Higher Power" the "Universe", "Nature", Whatever. Point is, a power greater then ourselves can help restore us to Sanity from our insane out of control Alcoholic and addictive obsessions.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 577
they probably focus on the above, which are the "9th Step" promises.
from my experience, half of them starting showing up in my life way before I was anywhere close to the 9th Step.
you should go....you will hear how some people's lives have changed dramatically just by following the suggestions of some other drunks
from my experience, half of them starting showing up in my life way before I was anywhere close to the 9th Step.
you should go....you will hear how some people's lives have changed dramatically just by following the suggestions of some other drunks
Clear Eyes Full Heart
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,272
Lunetta, I'm so glad you found SR-it's a first step that will be really helpful if you're ready to stop. If you were able to stop a week earlier, you might find that the whole Christmas holiday goes more smoothly and you won't be hating yourself and feeling guilty. The thing is no matter what quit date you pick there will always be occasions to get through and this week is no different. We're here, no matter when you stop...
Hevyn, I had a hard time admitting the good times weren't coming back also. I just knew that bad times were certainly going to come if I kept on drinking. Life as a sober person is more on an even keel, less dramatic, more clear, and more genuine. A good trade for some laughs with other drinkers.
Hevyn, I had a hard time admitting the good times weren't coming back also. I just knew that bad times were certainly going to come if I kept on drinking. Life as a sober person is more on an even keel, less dramatic, more clear, and more genuine. A good trade for some laughs with other drinkers.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Southern California
Posts: 365
The not wanting to stop might be a problem... It was for me... You have to want to be sober. Needing to be sober was never enough for me... Congrats on going to a meeting and take that first step and mean it, then you will be on your way to a better life and the promises will come true...
Keeping it simple!
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Surrey, BC
Posts: 3,282
Originally Posted by Lunetta
Xune I don't want to but I have to. Also painkillers have been in and out of my life, those need to stop too. When I quit, I want to quit for good. I am no longer in denial, I know I can't control this stuff anymore or "have just a few".
You are reaching out and telling others and looking for help and this is a really good fisrt step as well as admitting that you have a problem. Keep posting here and please don't give up hope. You are so worth saving.
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