Is he trying to 13th step me?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: San Jose, CA
Posts: 16
Is he trying to 13th step me?
I met this guy when I was 3 months clean and he was seven (though he had been in the rooms for a year). He seemed really nice and respectful. I've always been upfront in meetings about having a boyfriend and he didn't seem like he was flirting at all in the beginning (he's quite passive most of the time) so when he asked if we could exchange numbers I said yes. I'm part of a fellowship where men sponsor women and women sponsor men quite often so it didn't seem like a big deal. Not long after, he began letting me know that he would be open to more if I was looking for that. I said no and he did apologize, but since then he's constantly sitting next to me at meetings and following me around, constantly asking me if he can come with me when I run my errands, etc. I've tried to talk to him about this and set some boundaries (I will admit I'm terrible at this, but I am trying to change) but it only causes him to burst into tears or text me later telling he he wants to relapse. To further complicate matters, he recently told me that he doesn't really have a drinking problem and that he started going to meetings because he wanted to meet people. He has recently started seeing a counselor and a shrink so I'm hoping that will do the trick. I'm not sure how to handle this. He goes to a lot of meetings so it's kinda hard to avoid him unless I drive to the next town, but I love my fellowship and don't want to run away from my problems. I'm asking you guys for advice because I'm in between sponsors right now. I have no idea if this is even 13th stepping or if it's just a case of someone very lonely and depressed looking for love in all the wrong places?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: San Jose, CA
Posts: 16
hey
Hey
13th stepping is preying on someone who has less time than you.
This isn't the same guy I talked about a few months ago. The people I know at the fellowship seem to like him. No one has tried to warn me about him or anything. He only has one real friend from the fellowship. A lot of people say hi to him at meetings, but he doesn't engage many people, is withdrawn.
13th stepping is preying on someone who has less time than you.
This isn't the same guy I talked about a few months ago. The people I know at the fellowship seem to like him. No one has tried to warn me about him or anything. He only has one real friend from the fellowship. A lot of people say hi to him at meetings, but he doesn't engage many people, is withdrawn.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Olde England
Posts: 528
AACoffee, run a country mile, if he's told you be doesn't have a drinking problem and yet he goes to these meetings in order to meet people, women I'm assuming, then he's not 13th stepping you, he's just a sad, low self esteem d**k out there preying on vulnerable people that are unsure of themselves as they try to pull their lives together cos he thinks they are easy targets. I'd have a conversation with the group leaders and explain your conversations with him to them. They shouldn't want a toxic element like him in the group messing with other people's recoverys surely?
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,313
I just wondered cos the stories sounded similar.
Anyway, if this guys not there for recovery and is just there to meet women? I agree - run away.
You need to be there for your recovery...and however nice genuine or vulnerable he seems I can guarantee you won't be the only woman he's hitting on.
D
Anyway, if this guys not there for recovery and is just there to meet women? I agree - run away.
You need to be there for your recovery...and however nice genuine or vulnerable he seems I can guarantee you won't be the only woman he's hitting on.
D
Last edited by Dee74; 12-23-2012 at 12:30 AM.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Allentown pennsylvania
Posts: 47
You wanna be comfortable and able to focus on the task at hand, rather than deal with this guy who is deceiving everyone. I would privately blow up his spot to trusted group members who may be able to approach him. That's a very sticky situation uve got there. Hopefully he gets the help he needs.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: San Jose, CA
Posts: 16
Thanks
Thank you for your support. One other thing: very shortly after I told him I wouldn't be sleeping with him he exchanged numbers with a woman in the program who has been making a play for him, even though he has told me many times he considers her annoying (this was pre flirting). I would like to warn her but I have a feeling she won't listen, as she's always been quite rude to me and talks to no women in the program. I think there is someone at the fellowship I can talk to. Thanks again for your support, really means a lot.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 3,550
Looks to me (no expert at such things) like he's lonely and depressed. He says he's not alcoholic. That's his judgment. If so, then why is he using AA and you, as a lonely hearts club? I'd very gently tell him to buzz off. You've got your own issues to work on. If he threatens to drink over it, then that's his choice. He says he's not alcoholic. Tell him not to drink and drive since if he does he might have to make do with jail "companionship"!
W.
W.
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,960
You can do your part and warn her then let it all go. Just make sure you do your part. Talk with your sponsor and your network.
Next time, refer the guys to hang out with guys. People in early recovery need to know themselves better so they can bring something worthwhile to a relationship!
I wish you well on your sober journey!
Next time, refer the guys to hang out with guys. People in early recovery need to know themselves better so they can bring something worthwhile to a relationship!
I wish you well on your sober journey!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
IMO, its predatory behavior not accceptable. this is not just a male thing. women do it too. it is not tolerated around here and those that are working the program who care about the newcomers let it be known that it will not be allowed. we let pradators know that AA is a safe environment for poeple who want to stop drinking and if they want to get laid, they can go to the bar.
"I'm part of a fellowship where men sponsor women and women sponsor men quite often.."
in this neck of the woods( and the fellowship i am in) and every other neck i have been in, no, it does not happen often. there are reasons for it. we come in vulnerable and screwed up and sometimes think the love from the opposite sex is the solution. there are many that come in lookin for a mommy/daddy figure without even realizing it.
"I'm part of a fellowship where men sponsor women and women sponsor men quite often.."
in this neck of the woods( and the fellowship i am in) and every other neck i have been in, no, it does not happen often. there are reasons for it. we come in vulnerable and screwed up and sometimes think the love from the opposite sex is the solution. there are many that come in lookin for a mommy/daddy figure without even realizing it.
Not Alone
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: South East UK
Posts: 1,513
13th stepping unfortunately, although discouraged, regularly happens in the rooms of all the 12 step fellowships. My advice would be to stay vigilant and tread lightly around any situation where you think this is happening to yourself or another member of the group. I was 13th stepped once. Admittedly I didn't mind all that much. But it is a very serious matter that should be dealt with as swiftly and effectively as possible.
Natom.
Natom.
Sobriety is Traditional
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Orcas Island, Washington
Posts: 9,055
You wouldn't have spent all that time on a post if you were sure you wanted to get away from this guy. So here's one scenario: tell him he's messed up and you want to help him. One-up him by Twelfth Stepping him.
All guys are potential predators or alcoholics. I amaze myself at the things I have done for sex or booze, but I have been in faithful, stable relationships for 29 of my 50 years. Helping another person with his or her challenges can be part of a healthy relationship (if that is what you want).
All guys are potential predators or alcoholics. I amaze myself at the things I have done for sex or booze, but I have been in faithful, stable relationships for 29 of my 50 years. Helping another person with his or her challenges can be part of a healthy relationship (if that is what you want).
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Kansas
Posts: 3,937
Originally Posted by AACoffee 
I've tried to talk to him about this and set some boundaries (I will admit I'm terrible at this, but I am trying to change) but it only causes him to burst into tears ................ he recently told me that he doesn't really have a drinking problem and that he started going to meetings because he wanted to meet people.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: fort wayne, IN.
Posts: 1,085
Your story is why I found out about Women's meetings. There are some in my town. Getting the courage to go to a meeting was hard enough for me. I simply can't handle being put on the spot by a "friendly" guy. It is so thoughtless of them.
Powerless over Alcohol
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Trudging the Road to Happy Destiny!
Posts: 4,018
Originally Posted by tomsteve
IMO, its predatory behavior not accceptable. this is not just a male thing. women do it too. it is not tolerated around here and those that are working the program who care about the newcomers let it be known that it will not be allowed. we let pradators know that AA is a safe environment for poeple who want to stop drinking and if they want to get laid, they can go to the bar.
"I'm part of a fellowship where men sponsor women and women sponsor men quite often.."
in this neck of the woods( and the fellowship i am in) and every other neck i have been in, no, it does not happen often. there are reasons for it. we come in vulnerable and screwed up and sometimes think the love from the opposite sex is the solution. there are many that come in lookin for a mommy/daddy figure without even realizing it.
"I'm part of a fellowship where men sponsor women and women sponsor men quite often.."
in this neck of the woods( and the fellowship i am in) and every other neck i have been in, no, it does not happen often. there are reasons for it. we come in vulnerable and screwed up and sometimes think the love from the opposite sex is the solution. there are many that come in lookin for a mommy/daddy figure without even realizing it.
Also just like to add so people that dont know.
That the orgianl meaning of the 13th step has nothing to do with what it has turned into..
For it is the ultimate step... Going into enterity in sobriety. To go to the next life and be in the big meeting in the heavens..
Keeping it simple!
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Surrey, BC
Posts: 3,282
Originally Posted by AACoffee
Thank you for your support. One other thing: very shortly after I told him I wouldn't be sleeping with him he exchanged numbers with a woman in the program who has been making a play for him, even though he has told me many times he considers her annoying (this was pre flirting). I would like to warn her but I have a feeling she won't listen, as she's always been quite rude to me and talks to no women in the program. I think there is someone at the fellowship I can talk to. Thanks again for your support, really means a lot.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: San Jose, CA
Posts: 16
thank you once again
Thanks everyone- lots of good stuff here. I just want to say one more thing: I actually did give him some numbers of places that offer low-cost therapy and psychiatric services (he doesn't have a computer). He has been to four places in the last month and has tried two different antidepressants, both of which he stopped taking after two or three days because he didn't like being tired all the time. I have been keeping my distance but he still comes up to me just before meetings sometimes. I am going to check out more women's meetings this week. I was avoiding them because they're far away, but am thinking it's worth the extra driving time!
Powerless over Alcohol
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Trudging the Road to Happy Destiny!
Posts: 4,018
Originally Posted by AACoffee
Thanks everyone- lots of good stuff here. I just want to say one more thing: I actually did give him some numbers of places that offer low-cost therapy and psychiatric services (he doesn't have a computer). He has been to four places in the last month and has tried two different antidepressants, both of which he stopped taking after two or three days because he didn't like being tired all the time. I have been keeping my distance but he still comes up to me just before meetings sometimes. I am going to check out more women's meetings this week. I was avoiding them because they're far away, but am thinking it's worth the extra driving time!
And the extra drive, just take in the time to reflect on the meeting your going to or coming from..
And remember its the ride that is the joy in sobriety.. Not the destination anyways..
Clear Eyes Full Heart
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,272
I'm not in AA so don't really understand the steps, but the guy is clearly manipulating you and using tears to keep you engaged with him when you don't want to be. Is there some kind of leader at these meetings? Are they aware this guy is doing that? It seems to me you shouldn't have to put up with that, especially from someone who isn't even there to try to stop drinking.
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