Citrus

Almost my entire family including my in laws side don't drink at all. Which is nice for me during holidays... except that they stress me out so much I wish often we were all drinking to loosen everyone up! Of course I don't really mean that and I'm glad they can all abstain and are healthy and sober. But there are a few of us black sheep that drink, and couple of family members everyone knows are true alcoholics. As far as I know most don't know about my drinking, although I think they know but don't say any thing.

My problem is when we all get together (that happened today) everyone in the family talk about these known alcoholics and speculate on howuch they drink, how they act, when they know they are sober or not, etc. And I feel bad for them and wonder if they talk about me like that when I'm not around. Or why if they know do they not just include me in the conversation while I'm there. I don't know if they are trying to be subtle and warn me off of drinking or maybe they truly don't know I have the same problem. But I always leave feeling a range of emotions.... Sad, frustrated, guilty, mad... lots of not good feeling emotions and then I either want to avoid them all for a good long while or go find something to drink as soon as I leave! Which I normally do. Today you all are getting my rant instead of me going to buy beer!

Thanks for listening if you made it this far.

Natom

To often we thought we were masters of disguising our addiction. In all honesty we were pretty terrible at it. I don't know if they know or not but I'm sensing that deep down you know that they do. There isn't much you can do about it. It's just one of those things that you just have to let go and see what happens with it. Maybe they talk about you, maybe they don't. There is no point getting upset over gossip.

Natom.

kiwi1971

Perhaps it makes them feel better about themselves if they have other people to talk about? Personally I think it's pretty low talking behind people's back in a negative way....especially friends or family.

Either they have their own problems but they are trying to avoid, they don't like each other, or the only way they can be happy is by putting someone else down.

Citrus

Natom- If they don't know they really are the most dense people on the planet! I know that even if I did act normal around them when I have been drinking before seeing them I'm sure they could smell it or something. I know I was cruddy at hiding it. Maybe some of it was a scream for them to notice and say something. They really are all people who like to think they are "helping". Anywho thanks for responding its great to have people to listen because I definitely can't talk to them about it! And I do need to just let it go, it's not helping me to dwell.... but I do it so well.

Kiwi- they are super awesome at gossip, I think that some how in their minds they think they are helping by talking out these people's situations. It just really bugs me. Thanks for responding!

Xune

Gossipers gossip and I don't care to expend any energy worrying about what they say about me.

I could care less.

I'm me, love me or hate me...I can only control me.

Citrus

Xune I need to have your attitude about what others think. I'm awesome about letting myself stew over things others say. That is something I really need to work on.

wpainterw

If you are currently drinking and are not in recovery, and if they know about your problem, perhaps this is their way of trying to signal you to do something about it. If you are in recovery, then it sounds like they are acting in a mean or snide way to reinforce their own egos, like the time my father in law asked everyone what they would have to drink and then, coming to me, asked in an especially loud voice, "And what will you have, orange juice"? I agree with other posts which say that it's unlikely that they do not know you have a problem.
What to do about it? If you are not in recovery, then try to ignore them. You can't change them. This is hard to do but it seems to be the only alternative. If you are in recovery, then, when it happens, you can honestly and carefully give them the facts, that you've been dealing with an illness and that you'd appreciate their support in getting well and staying well.That support includes not talking about alcoholics, either you or anyone else. But perhaps, because there are always those who simply do not wish to understand or who cannot understand, and even those who take pleasure in the misfortunes of others, because of all that, maybe the best thing is to turn your back and join some other discussion. If there is no other discussion, then pay a visit to the kitchen or to the bathroom.

W.

Citrus

I am 4 days sober. They don't know that I have quit not will I tell them. I am overly emotional today so I'm probably blowing the whole thing out of proportion, it just really bugged me today.
The other thing is these people are highly religious, I choose not to be. Though I have nothing against anyone having religion as long ad they are not trying to push it on me. But many of them have probably literally never had a drink in their lives so they have no idea if these people have really been trying. They think its just a choice and the next day it's all sunshine and rainbows. Once again I've really got to just stop listening to them and thinking about it! Lol.

I cannot believe your father in law had the nerve to ask you like that! Thanks so much for your reply.

SnoozyQ

Hiya citrus :-) i just read this thread and know its a while ago and am wondering how you are doing . I had in laws exactly the same so i get what you are saying.

Hope you keep posting , it's like being home here.

We all just get it xx

Have a lovely day

DoubleDragons

Jeesh, I am not sure what is worse, tiresome teetotaler relatives such as yours or a whole clan of drunks, such as I have?!? Citrus, I am sorry they got to you. I do think early sobriety is a highly sensitive time for all of us. I'll never forget one time in college lamenting forever to one of my roommates about the idea I had that some of our other friends were gossiping about me and talking about me behind my back. After hearing me drone on and on, she said to me, "Oh, GAWD! Everybody talks about everybody. Move on, already." I'll never forget that and when I start worrying about what other people say and think, I remember her saying that and it puts it into perspective. What other people think of me, is none of my business.

cardoon

Idea: Tell them. That would work for me. Getting it all out in the open has helped me to heal and reduce the resentment. They'll have nothing to talk about then.

EndGameNYC

Why wouldn't people who generally don't drink talk about alcoholics or problem drinkers among their friends and families? It's not like we don't engage in bizarre behaviors, we don't make chronically poor decisions or otherwise don't attract negative attention to ourselves. Plus, it's a lot more fun -- in part because it's more worrying -- than talking about my niece who's a straight-A student.

Being paranoid about other people knowing comes with the territory. That's why we tend to lie so much and so often about our drinking.

When I was drinking, the only people who knew were people with whom I had any contact whatsoever. To everyone else, I just appeared to be someone who was slowly dying.

DaneK

I've never told my relatives that I'm an alcoholic or that I'm in recovery... Whether they know, suspect, or otherwise. I'm too scared and private to share my secret with the family.

Imabuleva

I agree DaneK.

Actions speak louder than words, anyway. The next time I see my family (probably Thanksgiving this year), I plan to simply say "No thanks" when offered alcohol. And if I get pushed further with questioning, I'll just say that I've found I enjoy life more without it and leave it at that.