Misery
 

Well.... I don't even don't know where to start. I don't know why I am still sober. I got sober 1 month ago and I am absolutely despondent. My whole life seems to be falling apart. There is literally not one area of my existence that isn't a complete disaster right now. I won't even bother everyone with all the details. It's just more lamenting from some dumb girl no one really knows or cares about. You know what gets me the most? All the people who say they are my friends, the people who say they "care" and the people who I've been there for most of my life just abandon me when I need them or tell me "praying for ya" - I appreciate prayers but I'm in a crisis. I'm jobless, unemployment screwed me completely (trust me I did EVERYTHING I was told to do), my family is falling apart, dad is dying, boyfriend wants me gone, have no home of my own, can't even seem to go through a single day without thinking of dissappearing. I wish I was dead. If this is sobriety than I don't want it anymore. I feel like I was better off messed up. At least it didn't hurt so bad.

I don't know how to cope. I am loosing my ability to trust God or anyone else. I feel like I might have a total nervous break down soon. :c020:

Oh BabyJane.. I first want to just say that we are all here FOR YOU!! and I am so terribly sorry things are going this way for you... people can be absolutely useless sometimes, and unfortunately sometimes its the ones who are supposed to care for us the most.. I guess key question here is, do you have a reliable family who can take you in right now..since the boyfriend is obviously not sensitive to your needs in this awful time for you.. I would go to them, explain the situation, and how important your sobriety really is to you... but that you can't really be expected to deal with all of this alone.. you have more on your plate than most people right now..and you need a caring shoulder to rely on during this time.. meanwhile, you have your ''family'' here at SR <3

While things appear very grim you need to know that alcohol will change nothing for good in the long term. It will only offer temporary respite, while in reality, worsening the existing situation.
It is hard to accept this when your body screams for release, unfortunately relief via alcohol is ultra short and illusionary..........Good luck.

That is not sobriety. Sobriety and recovery is not all roses and fireworks. And in the beginning a lot of us are in awfully terrible situations that we feel will never get better. But here's the catch...they do. There's more chance of stuff getting better if you don't pick up than there is if you do. We are all here for advice and support.

Natom.

I'm sorry for all your trouble Jane.
One thing I do know is - I deal with crises and problems a lot better sober.

I know it's a lot on your plate, especially so soon, but you can do this.
Prioritise your problems - deal with the stuff you can do something about and the rest can take care of it itself.

Focus on the things most important to you. It may be hard right now but you will get through this.

and never forget - you're not alone here :)

D

Bless you Jane, you're going through a really difficult patch at the moment by the sounds of things. Hang in there - these things will pass in time.

Thanks to everyone who took the time to read / reply to this post. I'm sorry it wasn't more positive. I am still sober and today is almost over. I think Natom has a point; just because we get sober, things aren't guaranteed to be good or even ok. Sometimes things are awful. I know picking up won't solve my problems, I just wish I knew how to cope better. I realize it will come in time if I keep working hard and stay clean.

I'm sitting in the airport waiting for my delayed flight and I'm just going to close my eyes for a minute and try to relax. Try to think if things I CAN be grateful for. I do have a few. We all have a things to be thankful for even when it's bleak. Have a good night everyone and stay warm.

I wish I had advice for you, but I'm only on day 14 myself. All I know for certain is that if you take a drink, it won't make ANYTHING better. It will only makes things even worse. Please hang in there and try to get to an AA meeting.

Hi BabyJane, I'm sorry things are so rough for you right now. Early sobriety is so hard. We don't have any new coping tools yet but also don't have our old one anymore, either.

I too struggle with depression and loneliness and more and think about using all the time. But I also know, more and more, that if I do go on an oxy binge, just check out for awhile, that all my problems will still be there when I'm through. Only it will be worse cuz I will have added extra shame and remorse.

So try to hang in there while everything is so tough. Keep building on your sobriety and be proud of yourself for making a month. And let the support and caring here on SR help carry you through.

Take care.

((BabyJane)) - I felt the same way in early recovery. I kept reading "do a gratitude list" (I was lurking here" and my first gratitude "list" was said through gritted teeth and included a soft bed and pillow to sleep on. I'd recently been in jail and NOTHING was soft there.

In time, I made myself look for more to be grateful for...pretty flowers, kids laughing, just simple stuff. Sounds too simplistic, but it really did help.

You've got a lot on your plate, right now, but you can do this. We'll be here to cheer you on or lend you a shoulder to cry on, if you need it.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Sorry you are having s tough time right now. I hope you are waiting for a plane to take you somewhere you have family or friends who can help you through this. I know we are s virtual community, but you have many people who care about you on here.

Please post when you arrive to let us know how you are doing.

Well just a quick update, I am doing a bit better today. Someone said in an AA meeting once that they had an "emotional hangover" haha - that's probably how I feel today. I'm not as crazy or hopeless but I am pretty tired and scared of what to do next. Sometimes the next indicated step is a complete mystery to me... So for now I am finally in a safe place, trying to tread very lightly with my boyfriend (VERY lightly) and giving myself permission to relax and read other posts / give support to my SR buddies. It's much better than being in tears. Thank God I made it to today. I really feel lucky to know you guys!! Thank you thank you all!!!

P.S. gratitude list will be part of my wakeup from now on. And prayer. Both before my feet hit the floor. I need that. Good ideas.

Do you have a sponsor in AA?....Someone to show you how it works?

BabyJane, I'm glad you feel a bit better today.

My early sobriety was definitely not easy, but I know that being sober helped me deal with the things that came along.

Sometimes it can help to prioritize and makes lists. It always gave a feeling of accomplishment if I could cross one or two things off the list each day. Take small steps. :)

I keep having major sponsor issues. Recently my old sponsor had a grandson born and a sick mother and she just stopped returning phone calls from me or her other sponsees. So I tried to get a new sponsor and now her phone is no longer working? Like the number was invalid? Who knows. I'll keep trying to find someone... This just brings up some "women" issues I've had. Girls can be weird and moody and flaky. It frustrates me to no end. I really do want to work some steps!!!

Just a thought BabyJane , maybe select a sponsor and meet that sponsor before or after meetings? That takes phones out of the way and most sponsors should be attending meetings regularly if they are working a true step 12.

I know one of my sponsors had a hard line with me , don't get in contact in 3 days , we have no relationship till you are really ready. It worked and I was accountable to get the help I needed.